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Suga's heart was producing a quick paced beating that was felt in his wrists. His knees shook with it. His eyes followed the ball across the court. Silent questions floated in his head; if I was on the court, would it have landed? If I was playing right now, would I choose Tanaka or Asahi to deliver the blow? If I was on the court- His eyes landed on the captain's back, sturdy and confident, then to the libero as he shot himself from the middle of the court to the front, barely managing a receive.
His heart was racing.
Tsukishima and Kageyama jumped, more in sync and friendlier than their first few months. Hinata fidgeted beside Yamaguchi, a thirst so deeply rooted inside for his spike to forever land a point, forever craving to be better. Yamaguchi's fingers were interlocked and shifting, nervous and eager. Ennoshita, Hisashi, and Narita cheer loudly, though Suga knew they also had if I was on the court running through their minds as well, yearning to play.
Suga lurched forward as the ball came flying back to their side of the court. He felt words choke him, though he did not know what he wanted to yell to his teammates. The ball flew back over the net, a spike from the back; a final blow from the ace. The sound of a whistle called for the end of the practice match, Karasuno's victory.
"Thank you for the match!"
On the bus ride back, pleasant talk mostly filled the bus, snoring resonating from the back corner (Hinata was out cold, Nishinoya had at least waited till they were out of the parking lot. Coach Ukai in the front of the bus, head tilted back had yet to start his yeti-like call that everyone suspected was meant to be snoring). Suga sat across the isle from Daichi and talked successful strategy and how their formation looked from outside the court. There was a click and a quick flash of light, both boys turned towards the source to find Takeda with a camera.
He smiled widely. "For the club portfolio," he explained.
The boys nodded, uncertain but they still nod none-the-less before going back to their post match meeting in hushed whispers.
Suga had known Daichi and Asahi for a near three years. It was a comfortable friendship between the three boys with some troubles that had to be overcome. A strong relationship with strong bonds. Nothing more, nothing less. It was trust and faith and hope. It was picking each other up from doubt, it was waiting for heads to cool during a fight. It was a gentle and easy thing.
Suga was overjoyed to be able to have such a comfortable relationship with close friends.
It was a change from junior high.
He was still on the volleyball team, honing his abilities, learning, and growing stronger. He had a few friends on the team, but usually kept to himself, too shy and too much of a coward.
It was in his first year of junior high that he started to suspect something wasn't quite right. The other boys around him were interested in girls and things like kissing, while girls were interested in boys and things like holding hands. When he had done research on roman gods for a class assignment and had found images of young Mars, Suga had greatly appreciated the line of his jaw, how the muscles on his abdomen looked, how broad his shoulders were. Dark curly hair and dark eyes to match.
Something had stirred inside him.
He ignored how his eyes followed certain lines of the male body, passing it off as a sudden appreciation of old art. He looked at old art of naked women, and found he admired their form as well. He had thought himself cured of whatever strangeness that had overcome him. However, the next time his eyes found the naked figure of an appealing man, his eyes roamed.
Perhaps he just really admired art and the finds the human body aesthetically pleasing.
It was in his last year of junior high that he developed his first crush. There was a boy on the track and field team, dark hair and eyes, leg muscles defined to look like they were sculpted, long arms, broad shoulders. Suga didn't actually know him, but he liked how he looked enough to, at one point, imagine what kissing him or holding hands would be like.
His second crush was on a dark haired beauty with hazel eyes that sparkled when she laughed. When she laughed, everyone around her joined in. Once he caught the joke that was said and wasn't sure if he found it too funny, but when she started to laugh the joke suddenly made sense and became funny. She was on the tennis team. He imagined holding hands with her and if they walked home together, would she bump his shoulder flirtatiously.
He didn't tell anyone about his first crush. Suga felt that he was only allowed to like girls. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was off with him.
Boys around him wanted girlfriends that they could kiss and tell their funny jokes to, and girls talked about their dream boy that would hold her hand softly and drape their coat around her shoulders on cold days.
It was unconventional for him to want both.
Now, in high school, Suga could happily say he completely devoted himself to volleyball and studying. He didn't have time to become emotional over what gender he was attracted to.
A firm hand landed on his shoulder, one day after practice had ended and everyone was migrating to the club room to exchange sweaty sportswear for a uniform.
"Can I talk with you for a moment?" Daichi's voice was right over his shoulder and his fingers tightened briefly on Suga's shoulder. The combination of his friend's voice and hand on his shoulder did something to Suga that he wasn't sure felt good.
"Yeah," he replied, "Of course."
The group of boys turned, second years just checking to see if they could go on, first years more to see if there was an unannounced confrontation between captain and vice captain. Suga noticed Kageyama hesitated longer than others, a strange darkness settling between his brows before the he turned and left as well.
"What do you need me for?" Suga asked as the two boys situated themselves so they both were leaning against the side rail just outside the gymnasium.
"I'm a little worried about upcoming tests as well as next year." Daichi had a crease between his brows and his arms were folded in front of him, accenting his muscles. It wasn't the first time Suga had admitted to Daichi looking handsome, but this was the first time an uneasy feeling settled in his stomach after noticing.
"Ah," Suga settled on, understanding his friend's words. "Nishinoya, Tanaka, Kageyama, and Hinata, right?" All four were necessary to the team, however they were not very smart (it would be nice if he could blame it on their study method, but from what he had seen they had none).
"Yes," Daichi said in agreement. "As well as next years captain and vice captain position." He looked truly troubled over this.
"I thought that wasn't something we decide. That's coach Ukai's domain."
"He wants our input to guide his decision."
It was difficult. It would probably best to assign the positions to one of the second years. However, Tanaka and Nishinoya would use their sudden power for evil while Ennoshita, Hisashi and Narita wouldn't know how to assert their sudden power over the team. Nor did the three seem confident enough to lead. For the first years, Tsukishima would definitely rule as a diabolic overlord with Yamaguchi as his encouragement and aid. Hinata would make a mess of things. Kageyama would make a fine captain, but with so many children running around his feet he would trip and probably rage fire until there was no gym to train in.
"For now," Daichi said, and Suga could see that they were both thinking similar things, "Ennoshita has a cool head on his shoulders and would be able to make good decisions for the team, but someone more assertive would be better for captain."
"If we leave Ennoshita as vice captain, I'm sure he'd be able to manage Tanaka or Nishinoya in a captain position. They would rile the team and give them confidence to play while the vice captain would work in the background and give rational support." Suga's thumb lingered around his lower lip, lightly rubbing along a corner.
"Kageyama would make a good vice captain as well," Daichi muttered, rubbing his jaw in frustration. Suga's eyes followed the motion.
"Then we can tell coach Ukai that our candidates for captain is Tanaka and Nishinoya and for vice captain, Ennoshita and Kageyama." Suga leaned towards his friend as he said this, looking up at him from under his lashes.
When their eyes met, Daichi merely nodded while disaster crashes down on Suga as he realized he was attempting to flirt. A strained smile tilted his lips as he nodded back. "I'm going-" Suga cleared his throat, feeling parched, "I'm going to go, uh, change now.
"I'll go talk to Ukai about our decision."
Thank goodness Daichi is as thick as a mountain.
With the realization that Suga had been unintentionally trying to flirt with Daichi, and the fact that he was suddenly worried about how soft his lips were when in close proximity of Daichi, Suga knew there was a problem. A big problem. Without notice, without reason, Suga was undeniably attracted to Daichi. After being on the same team for a near three years, now with only months left before graduation, Suga felt his heart beat quickly for his friend.
He had gone home, showered, and thought endlessly on whatever it was his insides were deciding on doing; Suga determined it was the sudden growth of butterflies in his stomach. Daichi was attractive. He was desirable. Dark hair and dark eyes had been the main physical characteristics Suga had sought after in junior high. But to add Daichi's stamina, charisma, confidence, and his boyishly proud smile, there was no reason his heart wouldn't beat quickly.
He thought and thought and thought, considered their friendship for the past years, analyzed all the little touches and how he had responded.
Damn. He was in love. And these were not butterflies awakening in his stomach but hatching birds bent on destroying him.
The next day, and the days following, Suga acted as normal and found it easy to do so. During after school practice, he was able to separate his feelings and the team, and was able to easily go through the motions. After two weeks past, Suga questioned if it was even love, or even attraction. Was it temporary?
Surely it would be harder than this to be around someone you liked.
By time he had decided (as a final decision, no more questioning and no more messing around) that his captain was indeed appealing and nice to look at, he was fine with admiring him from afar. How wrong he was. The appearance of Michimiya Yui in the doorway of the gym calling out for the team's captain and how Daichi stood comfortably close to her twists something dark inside Suga.
He accidentally pushes a toss too high for Asahi and instantly feels distressed about it. The ace and setter curl towards one another as they apologize.
"I'm sorry, Asahi! My toss was bad."
"No, it was my fault for not being able to hit it."
"No, it was mine for tossing an unreachable toss."
"No it's mine."
"No mine."
"It's my fault."
"It's mine, really. My head was elsewhere."
This brings attention from Tanaka, Nishinoya and Hinata (the loudest and therefor most troublesome in a time where Suga just wants to be completely off the captain's radar).
"Where was your head then?" Tanaka asks, trying to look scolding.
"If it were not on your neck?" Nishinoya easily follows up, feeling quite cunning and showing it. Hinata's mouth is agape and praises his fellow teammates.
"I was just thinking about something is all." Suga scratches the back of his neck nervously. "It's nothing."
"Well if it's something then it can't be nothing," Hinata easily replies, and though he's said something cleaver he doesn't look like he notices.
"It's nothing," Suga assures before telling the boys to go back to practice. His eyes wonder to the door where Daichi's hand is gently holding onto Michimiya's.
Suga tries to convince himself that it's nothing for him to be bothered about.
It bothers him.
It bothers him through practice matches and real matches. Through breaks between classes where he sees Daichi and Michimiya walking close together like they're conspiring. He thinks about it during morning practice, after school practice, when the team goes out for nikuman.
He sits out on one of the after school club activities, instead helping Kiyoko clean equipment. It's a quiet affair, Kiyoko never being the conversational type and Suga having nothing to say. She sometimes takes a second to send a concerned glance his way, but for the most part, cleaning takes little words.
It's not till they're almost done with what isn't in use that she speaks what her glances were trying to convey, "Sugawara. You have a horrible crease between your eyebrows and dark circles under your eyes."
"Shimizu, can I-" he stops himself. He glances to the court where receives are being practiced and just shakes his head. "No, it's nothing."
A short silence follows before she answers softly, "Okay."
Yachi appears in the doorway of the storage room from whatever errand she had run. When she sees the two of them, Suga can see calculations in her head; her eyes look between how they're leaning towards each other, the space between their arms, to whatever she sees on Kiyoko's face. The younger girl's face quickly turns a charming red, but her eyes become sad as she tries to sputter her success to the older girl.
In this moment, he sees something of himself in this young girl. It charms him.
Kiyoko nods to Yachi and leaves to finish something that requires her attention, leaving the young girl and Suga alone to finish cleaning. Suga watches her leave and guarantees she's too far away to hear when he turns to Yachi. "It's not like that between us."
"N-not like w-what?" She stutters out, averting her eyes like this will hide how her lip twitches (not sure if it wants to be a frown or a smile) or how this makes her a little happy to hear.
"Shimizu and I, we're more like siblings. We're friendly but not friendly," he reassures, smiling deviously. Yachi's face darkens in color and he things he might be able to see the blush on her arms, peaking out from under the sleeves of her shirt. "I won't let her know. Unless you want me to, then I can drop some hints."
"It's fine," she mumbles out and looks down at the replacement post, but doesn't clean it.
"I have someone I like too," he says after he's finished whipping off the post. He watches how her face shifts to confusion for an instant before looking completely shocked.
"It can't be me! I'm sorry but I like someone else!" She spits out in a hurry, mumbling here and there about something that he doesn't catch.
"No," he said, laughing. "No. Not that you're not charming. It's someone else." He doesn't mean to, and he hates how horribly sad he sounds when he says it.
"Someone on the team?" It's an innocent question, one not designed to ruin him and he thinks if it's Yachi, she won't judge.
"Yeah."
"Who?" He hates the twist in his stomach, the nervous nausea that sets in.
"Secret," he decides to say, bringing a finger to his lips like he's shushing someone, and tries to look coy. Yachi smiles wide, eyes sparkling like this is the best thing that has happened today.
Suga doesn't realize it until later, but telling the younger girl eased the nervous, carnivorous baby birds in his stomach (though at the time if felt like they were trying to feed themselves off his insides). It appeased them enough that he finally thought tomorrow would be different.
And it is. When he spots Daichi walking close with Michimiya, he doesn't feel bitter or sad. During practice after school he floats through like it was just another day with a bunch of children running around his ankles, Daichi chastise them for not being serious and Suga lightly scolding when someone looses focus after that.
It's Yachi that finally says it, "It's like you're the parents of the team." Daichi and Suga exchange glances and Suga tries his hardest not to look incredibly pleased by this.
Everyone is suddenly off task, talking about this sudden confession of parenthood. Tanaka and Nishinoya and teasing Asahi about being the cowardly oldest because he dropped one of his younger siblings on their head. Asahi points out that Kiyoko would be either Suga's sister, or Daichi's sister, but an aunt to everyone else none-the-less. Hinata attempts to tease Tsukishima but ends up getting teased back by Yamaguchi. Kageyama looks... frustrated?
"Alright, alright!" Daichi yells, deep and demanding. All attention is instantly on him. "Back to practice."
As the days past, Suga concluded that he was crazy.
He wanted Daichi. He yearned for him. He wanted to brush shoulders and laugh at his jokes, wanted to have the other male drape his jersey over Suga's shoulders on cold days (even though Suga has a jersey of his own). He wanted to hold hands. He realized what he wanted was to be friends; close friends that understood each other and knew each other, but with added benefits like kissing and other things he had dreamt up once (he had woken sweaty and blushing. His heart pounding away at his ribs. It hadn't been his first wet dream, but it had left him shaking and uncertain about many aspects of life).
This all appeared to be normal (Yachi and Suga sometimes whisper about these things, debating against what normal implied when it came to liking someone).
What classified him as crazy was how uninterested Daichi was in any of his subtle flirting. How he learned Michimiya and Daichi were not dating, nor was he interested but she might be. How Daichi never mentioned any girl he liked (or boy he liked, or anyone he liked really). What made him crazy was that he was in love with his best friend, and his best friend had no interest in dating, love, or any other category that wasn't friends and volleyball.
Suga was... Okay with it.
He had thought of confessing. In fact there were a lot of opportunities to do so. It was appealing to daydream that if he wrote poetry of his feelings, Daichi might understand and figure it is a good idea to do the things like holding hands and flirtatiously bump shoulders. It could be a good idea. Or it could be a terrible one that ends in avoidance and tears.
Thus, Suga kept his feelings to himself. It was lonely, and it hurt, and he would lay in bed at night thinking how things might be different.
Kageyama notices things. It's not often as his mind is filled with volleyball and little else, but he can still notice things. He notices things like how each day (more like once in a blue moon) Hinata grows suddenly stronger. He notices how there would sometimes be a girl who visits the club (he only really notices when the captain is missing for long lengths of time and someone is goofing off without being yelled at). And he notices how Sugawara's eyes follow Sawamura (because Kageyama's eyes tend to follow Sugawara).
It was a curious feeling, one he wasn't accustomed to. His chest squeezed tight when he saw Sugawara leave with Sawamura, his hand on Sugawara's shoulder and lips near his ear. Kageyama's gut twisted as he watched Sugawara watching Sawamura and how Sugawara's eyes would drop anytime the girl came to visit their captain. How they were the parents. Now, as he watched them, it felt painful and he felt pitiful. It was a curious feeling that he couldn't name, but he didn't want to get to know it.
It hurt, and he often thought of how Sugawara might not look at Sawamura like he has been for the past few months, and tomorrow he'll look at Kageyama instead.