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It’s late at night. The lights in the living room are dimmed, the TV is playing quietly in the background. Dan and Phil are sat on their sofa with Dan’s laptop in front of them. There are empty bags of sweets around them, half-eaten pizzas, game controllers and a bottle of Kopparberg cider they split.
There’s an excited grin on Dan’s face, Phil notices. All evening they’ve been staring at the tiny screen, watching the number crawl higher. There’s only 20 to go.
“Oh, here we go!” Phil says, rubbing Dan’s thigh. “This is so exciting.”
He wonders what Dan’s thinking about exactly. It’s not that Dan’s been closed off, but he developed a bad habit of not always sharing. He used to. He used to tell Phil what’s hurting him, but now… He still talks to Phil, telling him whatever’s on his mind, but it’s not as honest, not as genuine as once it was.
“Does it feel weird?” Dan glances at Phil. “That you’ve been around for far longer yet I’m the one with more subscribers.”
“No, of course not.” Phil smiles at him. So that’s what’s on Dan’s mind. Another one of his insecurities. His previous smile now gone, replaced by uncertainty and a bit of sadness. “Dan, you have no idea how incredible it is to see this.”
“Yeah?”
Phil wonders how he could explain it. He knows how, but he wants to make it simple and pure so that Dan can’t doubt the sincerity behind Phil’s words.
The last year, the last couple of months, were horrible. Their personal life has been under threat, people have been prying, have been nosy. The video he did for Dan, the video they managed to keep theirs and treasure it for almost two years was now out there. It did some damage and while it didn’t touch the stability of their relationship and while they were stronger than ever, it damaged Dan’s relationship with the fans. And in the process, it damaged Dan’s confidence and brought up past issues, issues there were affecting him again. Dan was reliving school and the bullying he had to endure and there is nothing Phil can do.
“Baby, I’m so proud of you.” He squeezes Dan’s hand. “You’re doing something that you love. You’re really passionate about YouTube and the work we’re doing with the BBC and everyone else. You’ve come such a long way. So yeah, I really am proud of you.”
They look at the screen again, as it slowly but surely ticks over a million. Phil pulls him into a tight embrace. It’s not a hug, not really; he’s holding him to exorcise his demons, his insecurities.
Phil kisses Dan’s hair, wishing he could do more. There are times when life is good. The best. They go out, do couple-y stuff. They go on holidays together, weekend getaways. But sometimes, life is bad. Sometimes Dan just exists, without really speaking to Phil or without even eating. Phil wants to reach out to him and pull him back from whatever dark void he disappears into, but he can’t. Sometimes, Dan just wants to stay there.
Dan pushes him away, gently. It’s not one of his ‘don’t touch me, please’ moments, he just wants to look at Phil. And when he does, Phil sees the tears in eyes.
“Are you really proud of me?” Dan asks, quiet sobs hidden in his voice.
“Of course, I am. The stuff you do, it touches so many people.” Dan snorts, but Phil suspects it’s because of the innuendo. “You can do great things, Dan. I don’t think you realise how good you are as a person.”
Dan shakes his head, tears rolling down his cheeks. “I’m not. I love you the most in this world and I hurt you so much.”
Phil chuckles softly. “Lucky for you, I love you enough to put up with your shit.”
“God, I really am lucky, aren’t I?” He reaches the close the lid of his laptop, then cuddles further into Phil. “Thanks.”
“So does that mean that you believe me now? That I do mean it when I say I’m proud of you?”
Dan nods but doesn’t say anything for the time being. He just clings onto Phil like his life depends on it. Phil holds him because, deep down, he knows that Dan’s life depends on it. There are a lot of unspoken words there, sentences Dan’s not ready to say. Phil doesn’t want to push him. He’ll say it when he feels ready.
For now, they’ll just keep sitting there, hugging and quietly celebrating Dan’s first major milestone of his YouTube career.