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Alex looked knowingly at Kara from across the table, watching her sister stare out the large window while her fingers absently played with the protective sleeve on the coffee cup in front of her.
“You haven’t told her yet, have you?”
Kara pursed her lips for a moment but didn’t turn her head. Her fidgeting became more pronounced.
“Kara, you have to tell her.”
“I will, Alex! I will,” Kara said quickly, finally shifting her gaze forward.
“You’ve been saying that for weeks now. You can’t keep putting this off.” Alex tilted her head and stared at her sister, her expression expectant and concerned.
Kara looked down at the misshapen remains of her coffee cup before finally pushing it away. “It’s not that I don’t want to, you know that. Things have just been crazy lately.”
Alex’s eyes narrowed.
“What?” Kara sighed, exasperated.
“Three days ago your excuse for canceling lunch with Lena was that you had to make an unexpected trip to the vet.”
“That was true! I didn’t think I’d be spending my afternoon in a waiting room with Krypto!”
“You don’t have any pets!”
“I was dog-sitting for my neighbor!”
“Kara - ” Alex pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a breath. “Kara. Look, I know you’re scared. It’s okay to admit that.”
Kara’s eyes darted to the window again. It was gray and gloomy in National City that day. People cloaked under umbrellas hurried past. A teenager sped by on a bicycle, shooting a cascade of muddied water up onto the sidewalk. In that moment, Kara wished she could turn up the collar of her raincoat and disappear into the fog like everyone else.
“I’m terrified, Alex,” she murmured finally.
“That fear won’t go away unless you do something about it,” Alex replied, her brown eyes softening.
“I’ve put her through so much already. We’ve only just started over.” Kara bit her lower lip nervously. “I thought I was going to lose her once, but what if this is what pushes her away for good?”
Alex didn’t have a definite answer for that question, and she knew nothing less than absolute certainty would quell her sister’s fears. She didn’t speak, but reached across the table to quiet Kara’s jittery fingers. They almost felt clammy, despite how warm Kara always was.
“What’s worse though, Kara? I can see how hard this is on you. You’re running scenarios in your head and making yourself sick with not knowing. I can’t promise that it would end the way you want it to, as much I want that for you, but at least you would know for sure.”
“You’re spending too much time with Kelly. She’s making you all wise and logical with her therapy talk,” Kara replied with a smirk.
Alex blushed slightly, but her eyes sparkled.
“Therapy talk or not, you know I’m right.”
Kara sighed again and nodded. “I know. I know.” She brought her arms up and rested her forehead on her hands. “I didn’t think it was possible, but this almost feels worse than before.”
Alex’s phone vibrated, and she looked down at it with a frown. “We need to go,” she said, moving to gather her coat.
Kara stood quickly, but Alex reached to hold her in place for a moment.
“Kara, listen to me. You can’t hide behind your life. It’s always going to throw unexpected distractions in your way, but you can’t keep using them to cover up what you feel. That’s not how this works,” she said solemnly.
Kara rested her hand over the one Alex had placed on her arm. She knew the depth of pain and struggle and growth behind the words Alex spoke. “I’ll tell her, Alex, I promise. I just need a little more time.”
“Okay. I’m here whenever that time comes,” Alex replied, still concerned but understanding.
“I know,” Kara said with a grateful smile. “But for now, we have somewhere else we need to be.”
__ __ __ __
The next day Kara stood nervously outside of Lena’s office at L-Corp. She knew Lena was expecting her for a work-related appointment, but interview questions were the last thing on her mind at the moment. Kara took a deep breath, knocking on the door frame as she entered the room.
“Kara!” Lena said brightly, looking up from her computer. She immediately rose to pull Kara into a hug, rocking slightly as she stood on her toes in order to wrap her arms around the taller woman.
“Hi, Lena.” Kara said, returning the hug. “I’m sorry I’ve been so hard to get a hold of lately.”
Lena tilted her head and smiled gently. “I understand, Kara. Of anyone in this city, you don’t have to apologize for your schedule. But I have missed you. It feels like ages since we’ve been able to talk.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have canceled on you as often as I have in the last few weeks,” Kara responded, looking down to fidget with the notebook she held in her hands.
“Well, you’re here now,” Lena replied after a moment, slightly perplexed as to why Kara seemed so shy that afternoon. “To business first? Then potstickers and gossip to follow?”
Kara managed a small smile, knowing Lena had no intention of eating the mound of potstickers she had taken to ordering lately whenever Kara came to her office over lunch. “Yes. As much as it pains me to say it, business first, lunch second.”
Lena chuckled, turning to take a seat on the couch. Kara joined her, sitting on the opposite end. She fished a pen out of her bag and flipped open to her notes, glancing quickly between Lena and the page in front of her.
“Kara,” Lena said before Kara could ask her first question, “is everything all right?”
“Yes, of course! Everything is fine,” Kara answered lightly. Her eyes were skittish and just a little too wide though, betraying her nerves.
“Are you sure? You seem a little tense.”
Kara didn’t respond. Words raced through her head, but she couldn’t bring herself to say them. She fiddled with her glasses, pulling them down her nose only to push them back up again.
Lena’s bright green eyes flicked up to follow Kara’s movements and she thought she understood. Smoothing the fabric of her blouse, she leaned forward and reached for Kara’s hand, tucking her fingers into the warmth of Kara’s palm.
“It’s really okay, Kara. We talked about this. Things are a little different now, but you will always be my best friend. Nothing will come in the way of that.”
Kara visibly flinched at Lena’s words. A few weeks ago, they were all she hoped to hear, as much as she didn’t think she deserved them. After all the lies, all the secrets, Lena had forgiven her for hiding the fact that she was Supergirl. But now, here she was, keeping another part of herself from the woman she cared about most. She could lift a truck with one arm, but she couldn’t take the weight of her guilt any longer.
Kara abruptly withdrew her hand from Lena’s and stood up. “Screw ‘okay,’ Lena! I don’t want it to be just okay!”
Lena’s face darkened, taken aback by the ferocity in Kara’s voice.
“Okay isn’t good enough, Lena,” Kara said, her voice cracking. “I told myself it was. I told myself that not losing you, after everything I put you through, was all I wanted. But...I lied.”
“What are you talking about?” Lena’s voice was guarded, her eyes suspicious.
Kara started to pace around the office. Her hands were in constant motion, drumming against the fitted silhouette of her dress, gripped together tightly behind her back, removing her glasses from her face so quickly Lena worried that she would cause her suit to materialize.
“We said no more secrets, Kara. You promised to tell me everything.”
“I can’t live with ‘just okay!’ I can’t live with ‘best friend!’ Every time I hear that my heart breaks just a little bit more, because I love you, Lena, and I know I should be grateful you’ll even see me at all, but it’s not enough!” The words tumbled from Kara’s mouth, her face twisting in an effort to keep her tears from drowning out her voice.
She finally turned to face Lena, who had risen from the couch and was standing with her arms crossed in disbelief. She pursed her lips and knitted her eyebrows together.
Kara was breathing heavily as she searched Lena’s face. She thought Lena looked angry, and tears started to stream freely down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I had to tell you,” she whispered through her sobs as she grabbed her things and rushed out of the room.
Shaking herself from her stupor, Lena ran into the hall to bring Kara back. But, as she looked around frantically, she caught a blur of red and blue flash by the window.
She returned to her office and sat down heavily in her desk chair. She pressed the intercom button on the phone. “Hold my calls the rest of the afternoon, please,” she told her secretary shortly, running a hand across the back of her neck. “I don’t want to be disturbed.”
__ __ __ __
“She just looked at me, Alex! She just stood there looking so angry ,” Kara cried into the sleeve of her sister’s sweatshirt later that night. “I couldn’t take it, so I ran away.”
Alex brushed Kara’s blonde hair back over her shoulder and pressed a steadying kiss against her temple. “I am so proud of you,” she said firmly. “I am so proud of you for doing this.”
“But at what cost? I close my eyes, and all I see is her standing there not saying anything . What if that’s the last time we ever speak?”
For the second time that week, Alex was at a loss for words. She held Kara more tightly, almost crushing them against the cushions of Kara’s couch. Kara squeezed her eyes together and buried her face against her sister’s shoulder.
“Give her a little time,” Alex murmured quietly after a while. “Maybe she just needs some time.”
“But if she didn’t feel the same, why didn’t she just -” Kara cut off her sentence when she felt her phone vibrate from under the blankets.
Can we talk? I have something I need to show you at home.
“Is it from Lena?” Alex asked, craning her neck to look down at the small screen.
Kara nodded. “She wants me to come over.”
Alex could feel Kara’s legs tense as she readied herself to take off across the city. “Do you want me to stay here?”
“Please? If Kelly won’t mind?”
“Kelly knows how important you are to me, Kara. She would never mind this,” Alex assured her.
“Okay.” Kara stood, hands shaking as she quickly removed her glasses. “I’ll be back later.”
Alex smiled sadly as her sister disappeared out the window and into the darkness. She adjusted the pillows and settled onto the couch, knowing she wouldn’t be getting much sleep that night.
__ __ __ __
Kara landed softly on the balcony of Lena’s apartment, hesitating for a moment before sliding back the glass door and stepping inside. She could see Lena watching her every move from where she stood near the kitchen counter.
She remained standing just inside the door, unsure of what to do. On top of everything else, it was still strange to be in Lena’s home as Supergirl, as Kara, as both. Tonight it made her feel strangely naked.
“Kara, you can come in. It’s okay,” Lena said softly. Her cheeks were ruddy and her eyes were damp.
Kara flinched again, and Lena immediately regretted her words. But Kara slowly made her way across the room, stopping a few feet from Lena.
Her eyes darted to the hourglass prism moving fluidly on the countertop. She looked at Lena, confused.
“Lena, what is this?”
Lena reached for Kara’s hand, pulling her toward the seat beside her own. Despite her fears, Kara still relished the feeling of Lena’s smooth skin against her own.
“This is Hope,” Lena said, taking a deep breath. “She’s an artificial intelligence assistant I built to help me run simulations with these.” She motioned to a small case sitting beside the prism.
Kara frowned, recognizing the virtual reality contacts Kelly was using for work. Despite what Kelly had told her, she still didn’t like them. “What are you doing with these?”
Now Lena looked nervous. “I knew you were Supergirl before you told me yourself.”
Kara’s jaw dropped.
“It was Lex,” Lena continued quickly, praying Kara wouldn’t rush away again. “He showed me, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I found out you had been lying to me this whole time, and it didn’t seem like you had any intention of ever telling me the truth. I was angry. You broke my heart. I was scared and lost, and I didn’t know how to deal with those emotions…”
“I used the virtual reality to create scenarios where I confronted you, where I made you tell me the truth. I needed to see you hurt the same way I was hurting, so I ran simulations where I...hurt you.”
Lena’s voice trailed off at the end, now ashamed by her own admission. She had forgiven Kara, she truly had, but the pain of her heartbreak was still sharp.
“Lena, I - I’m so sorry. I know I should have told you about Supergirl before. I knew I was hurting you,” Kara breathed, her voice still raspy from crying.
Lena shook her head. “This isn’t just about Supergirl. Kara, when I found out who you were, my reality shattered. I thought I was going to lose you, just like I’ve lost everyone else. But you’re the one person I couldn’t bear to lose. My time in the virtual reality, constructing the AI, I thought that was my last hope of somehow keeping you.”
Kara’s blue eyes widened. She didn’t dare believe Lena meant what she thought she was trying to say.
“And then this afternoon you told me the truth, not about who you were but how you felt, and I thought that maybe I had a new reason to hope.”
Kara searched Lena’s face, her heart swelling inside her chest. “You mean? What I said today - you’re not angry?”
“God, no,” Lena blurted out, her voice tight and watery. “Kara, don’t you understand? You’re my whole world. I’ve loved you for so, so long.”
Soft lips crashed against hers as Kara suddenly pulled Lena to her. The kiss was messy, mixed with tears and desperation, but neither woman cared. They drank in each other’s scent, slowly finding a rhythm as they discovered each other in a way they never thought possible.
Lena pulled back to breathe. She uncurled her fist that had gotten wrapped up in Kara’s cape to brush a lock of black hair from her face. Kara chased her, pressing one last kiss to her mouth.
“I’m sorry,” Kara said, blushing. “I should’ve asked first. Was that okay?”
Lena’s green eyes were shining, full of affection and desire as she reached up to cup Kara’s cheek. “Oh, my darling, ‘okay’ will never be good enough to describe it.”