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“Dean, I can’t do this anymore. You said you were ready to be ‘out and proud’ and you were making progress, yet every time we go out now you get all tense and act like were just friends. Even when we just go out with our friends who all know we’re together and fully support us both. I’ve tried to be patient, because I know how hard it can be and I know how hard it is for you, but sometimes it doesn’t seem like things are ever going to change with you. I can’t enjoy going out with you because all I want to do is reach out to comfort you but get shot down because you’re scared someone is going to see you. I want to be happy and I just can’t when I know you’re not happy with our relationship. I just feel like this is hurting us both and I don’t know how to fix it. So, I’m sorry but I don’t think this is working for us anymore. Goodbye Dean.”
The words play on repeat in his head as he stares at the door. It’s been well over two hours since Cas walked out that door. The look on his face, so full of sadness and regret. It was a punch to the gut for Dean and he has never felt this way before. Cas was, still is, his whole world and now it’s been ripped from his hands. The worst part is, it’s all his fault and they both know it. They’ve been together for almost three years now, the entire first year they kept it a complete secret due to Dean’s internal homophobia and his fears of others judging him, especially his father. Then his dad passed away from a heart attack and Cas was there to help him through it, so Dean felt like he owed it to the man to at least take a peak out of the closet he was so far in. He came out to his little brother about a month later and thankfully Sam was fully supportive of him and said he was proud of him. Dean took small steps after that, slowly coming out to more and more people one at a time. It was a so process, but everyone was supportive, especially Cas. Which made everything so worth it for Dean.
It was about five months ago when it all came to a screeching halt. The two men were out for drinks with a few of their close friends and one of their regular bars. Cas had one or two too many drinks and was flirting and being touchy feely with Dean, he really didn’t mind too much. Cas was freaking adorable like that with his gummy smiles and flushed cheeks. It was when Dean went to the bathroom that everything came crumbling down. Two guys had followed him in and locked the door without him noticing. Dean was washing his hands when he was suddenly shoved forwards, his face hitting the mirror. Then he was pulled back and the first punch landed on his jaw. One held him up while the other laid into him, mostly aiming below the chest too avoid leaving visible marks. The whole time they threw slurs his way calling him a fag and saying he doesn’t belong in a place like this. Dean couldn’t do much to stop them, they took him by surprise and neither of them were small men, so Dean did all he could and just took the attack. The words hitting their mark along with the physical blows. It sent him straight back to his high school days when his father had caught him with another boy and beat him halfway to death that same night.
Dean wasn’t sure how long he laid on the ground after the two men left him alone in the bathroom. He pulled himself up and looked in the mirror, thankful there was only a light bruise visible on his jaw, could be a lot worse. Walking was a different thing entirely though, his whole body ached, and he could barely hold up his body weight. He had to get out of there though. Dean pushed through the pain and headed straight for the main doors of the bar, not bothering with his friends at all. He made it out and the cool air was a relief. Sucking in a huge breath Dean took a moment to just be. A hand on his shoulder caused him to tense instantly, he turned ready to attack whoever dared to touch him again, but he came face to face with worried filled blue eyes. It was just Cas. Dean reacted without thinking and jerked out of Cas’ hold and walked away not seeing the look of hurt and sadness on his boyfriend’s face. It’s probably the same look that Cas had when he walked out of the door a few hours ago.
Ever since that night in the bar Dean has been on edge, he never told Cas what happened either. He only told Sammy and he had encouraged Dean to talk to Cas to explain what had happened, but Dean refused. As a result, their relationship started to fall apart, the only time Dean was ever ok with Cas touching him was in the comfort on their own apartment. Even that took a couple months for Dean to be ok with. Going out was a whole other situation. Dean just couldn’t get himself to open up anymore. He knows its stupid and that he really shouldn’t care what random strangers think of him, but he can’t help it. Too many years of his life forced into hiding who he was, and the single reminder sent him right back in. All of their friends knew something was up, Dean could see the pity filled looks they give Cas when Dean treats Cas awful. It’s probably for the best that Cas left. Dean doesn’t deserve a man like him anyways. He’s such a mess and he will never be able to be who Cas deserves.
At some point Dean shakes himself out of the flashbacks and finds himself on the couch with an empty bottle of whiskey on the floor next to him. The tears are there, but Dean refuses to let them fall. He curls up on the couch and eventually sleep takes over and he is pulled into a restless sleep. He wakes up confused as to where he’s at and wondering why he has a massive hangover before it all comes rushing back to him. A choked sob escapes him before he can get control of himself. He stumbles into the kitchen and finds his stash of whiskey, he pulls out another bottle prepared to drink until he forgets everything. Dean walks towards the bedroom but stops in the doorway. He can’t go in there. That was his and Cas’. Instead he turns back for the couch and curls up in the corner with his whiskey. That’s exactly how Sam finds him later on.
“Oh god Dean, you reek. When was the last time you showered?” Sam asks after letting himself into the apartment. Dean just shrugs while he stares at nothing. There are more than a few bottles littering the floor and, on the table, but Dean can’t bring himself to care. He feels nothing anymore, he’s just empty.
“Dude, how long have you been like this?” his brother asks again.
“Since he left.” Dean mumbles.
“Dean! That was three days ago, have you eaten anything or drank anything besides alcohol? I got here as fast as I could after Cas told me what happened, I didn’t think you’d be this bad though.”
It finally hits Dean that his brother in there. Sammy shouldn’t be here, he should be over in California working. “Sammy?”
“Yeah Dean, I’m here.”
That’s when the tears finally flow free. Sam moves to sit on the couch and comfort his brother as he breaks down. Dean mumbles through the story and everything going on in his head. He tells Sam about how Cas deserves better anyways, and Sam instantly shuts him down. He tells Dean that Cas still loves him and will listen if Dean were to explain what had happened. They’re good together, they always have been, whether it was friends, best friends, or partners. They balance each other, push each other to be better, and love each other through it all. Cas knows this, Sam knows this, and Dean should too. Sam explains how he got there, starting with the call from a crying Cas saying he broke things off with Dean and was wondering if Sam could check on him while Cas stayed with Charlie. Sam explained that Cas is heartbroken and that he didn’t want to leave Dean and felt like he was hurting Dean instead of helping him.
Eventually Sam gets Dean to calm down and somehow manages to get him to go take a shower. In the mean time he scours the place for any left-over alcohol, sadly and not surprisingly he doesn’t fine any. With a sad sigh he then sets about looking for food, and of course the options aren’t great. Then a thought pops into his head, with a small smile he pulls out his phone and sends a quick text. Moments later Dean emerges from the bedroom fully dressed and already looking ten times better. He still has a heart broken look on his face, but Sam knows that won’t be going away anytime soon, or maybe it will if his plan works out.
“Hey so um, you don’t have much food here and I really think it would do you good if you got out of this place for a little while. I found a newish bar that opened up about a year ago, the food is supposed to be pretty good and its karaoke night. I know how much you love karaoke, so maybe this could be a nice distraction for a little while?” Sam hopes he’s not pushing his luck with getting Dean out of the apartment.
“Yeah sure, that sounds great,” Dean replies.
“Wait seriously?” Sam asks shocked, he expected a little fight at least.
“Yeah, I can’t be in this place anymore, its driving me crazy so a change of scenery might do me some good.”
“Well awesome, lets go then!” Sam says with a smile on his face. He follows his brother out the door and sends another quick text before heading down the stairs. Dean drives as Sam gives him directions, the bar is on the other side of town, so it makes sense Dean hasn’t been there yet. The brothers walk in and Dean is pleasantly surprised. It’s not too crowded and someone is already up on stage singing away to a country song. A small smile makes its way to his face and he hates to admit it, he already feels a tiny bit better. He knows he will never get over Cas, but maybe a night out with his brother can be a good start. They find a table near the back, away from the stage, still close enough to see and hear but enough back so they can still talk. Sam suggests Dean goes up to the song book to see if anything catches his eye while Sam orders them a beer, they can do food later.
Dean does just that and makes his way to the list and book. He flips through the songs until one catches his eye. His heart breaks a little at just the thought of singing it, and it is for that exact reason that Dean picks that song and adds his name to the list. He has to start somewhere. Slowly he makes his way back to the table to see his brother already there with the promised beers. When he reaches the table Sam quickly puts his phone away, Dean just assumes he’s talking to Jess and lets it go without question. Settling into his seat he takes a look around the bar. He notices four guys by one of the pool tables, one of the men us showing another how to properly hold the que while basically plastered to the guys back. Just the sight makes Dean nervous and he glances around to see if anyone else notices and is glaring at the two men. To his surprise no one even gives the men a second glance, as if it’s completely normal and acceptable for a gay couple to be playing pool. He turns his attention back to the table and sees the other two men share a soft kiss before one takes his turn. The sight baffles Dean. He would give anything to be able to teach Cas how to play pool like that, but he was always too worried someone would see them.
The country song ends, snapping Deans attention away from the pool table and he watches the woman that was signing step off stage straight into the arms of another woman. They stay pressed together even when the next song starts up, then they start swaying to the music in a slow dance. Soon other couples join them, and Dean notices majority are same sex couples. Panicking Dean looks around just waiting for some big guy to freak out. His gaze lands on Sam who is watching him with a worried and curious look on his face.
“Dean, are you ok? Was this too much?” Sam asks gently.
“Sam someone’s going to get hurt with them being so open here,” Dean replies still looking around frantically.
“No Dean its ok It’s a gay bar,” his brother explains which causes Dean to pause.
“A gay what?”
“A gay bar. They don’t tolerate any homophobia here so everyone is safe, you wouldn’t have to worry about someone seeing you and beating you up for being who you are,” a small smile makes its way to Sam’s face. Dean takes a moment to take in the new information. A gay bar. A safe space. He would be safe. No one would beat him up. He can be himself without being scared. He can be with Cas. Dean looks up at his brother with genuine happiness on his face at the realization.
“Excuse me sir?” A voice behind Dean interrupts him. Dean turns to come face to face with a very large man and instantly his fears creep back in. “Do we have a problem here?”
Dean’s mouth goes dry and he tries to scoot away from the guy as he starts to panic. He’s not safe here. Before anything can happen Sam steps in. “Um no, I don’t think so. What’s going on?”
“The owner saw this guy looking around and well we like to handle situations before they can happen so I’m going to ask again. Is there a problem here?” The big guy asks again a little more angerly and directed towards Dean.
“Oh, I think there’s been a mistake here. Dean doesn’t mean anyone harm, he’s just shocked there’s a place where he can feel safe,” Sam explains. If Dean wasn’t on the edge of a panic attack he might’ve glared at his brother. Really, he was just grateful Sam was there for him.
Instantly the guys facial expressions change into something softer and more understanding. “I see, well I will let you know that this absolutely is a safe place for anyone and everyone. We don’t tolerate any kind of hate here so people can relax in a public place like everyone deserves.”
Dean looks at the guy again and sees that he really means it, the people here will do anything to keep the customers safe, “Thank you.”
The guy gives them a smile and a nod before turning around and heading back to the bar. The brothers see him talking to a shorter man before they both glance over at them. The shorter man nods his head then talks to another employee. A few minutes later two more beers were delivered to their table with the message of “on the house”. Dean doesn’t question it and quickly finishes his first to start on the second. He really shouldn’t have any more after that, but he will never turn down a free beer.
“How’d you find this place Sammy?” Dean asks moments later.
“After you told me what happened I did some research in the area, I found a few other gay bars in the area, but this was the one that caught my eye. There were no bad reviews of the place, not a single one. I didn’t think it could be real, so I texted Charlie and asked if she heard of the place. Turns out she didn’t know about it but went and checked it out the other week. She said it was amazing and everyone was so open and accepting. I was going to tell you about it the next time I was in town to see if you’d want to go. Then the whole thing with Cas happened. I know you can get him back Dean. He loves you and you love him. I really think you should tell him what had happened, he would understand and would work with you instead of you both getting frustrated.”
Dean looks at his brother knowing everything he says is true, “Ok you’re right, but not tonight. I want to just be here with you enjoying a night out with some karaoke before I fight to get my man back.”
Sam smiles at his brother and they both go back to drinking their beers. They continue talking and catching up the whole time Dean becoming more animated and like his usual self. Sam could still see the sadness simmering underneath but for now his brother seemed to be doing alright, and if Sam’s planned worked then this night will be a huge success. The brothers talk about the best way to apologize to Cas and explain everything that happened when Dean’s name was called for karaoke. He downs the rest of his beer, sends Sam a wink, then walks to the stage. Its when he gets there, he feels a familiar stare. Dean frantically looks around, searching for that presence he knows is close by. Finally, he finds those familiar blue eyes and they lock together. Dean can see the sadness, confusion, heartbreak, and a little anger in those deep orbs. Someone hands Dean a mic and pushes him to center stage while the music starts up. A plan forms in Dean’s mind and a shy smile makes its way to his face. He looks out to the crowd before finding Cas again.
“Heya Angel, this one’s for you and I hope after, we might have the chance to talk?” Cas smiles a little and gives a small nod which is all the answer Dean needs. “Awesome.”
With refreshed confidence and hope blooming in his chest he gives his all when the words pop up on the screen. He knows the song by heart, so he doesn’t really need them, instead he gives the bar a show and dances around the stage as he sings.
I'm alone, yeah, I don't know if I can face the night
I'm in tears and the cryin' that I do is for you
I want your love
Let's break the walls between us
Don't make it tough
I'll put away my pride
Enough's enough
I've suffered and I've seen the light
Baby, you're my angel
Come and save me tonight
You're my angel
Come and make it alright
Don't know what I'm gonna do about this feeling inside
Yes it's true, loneliness took me for a ride
Without your love I'm nothing but a beggar
Without your love a dog without a bone
What can I do? I'm sleepin' in this bed alone
Baby, you're my angel
Come and save me tonight
You're my angel
Come and make it alright
Come and save me tonight
You're the reason I live
You're the reason I die
You're the reason I give
When I break down and cry
Don't need no reason why
Baby, baby, baby
You're my angel
Come and save me tonight
You're my angel
Yeah, come and make it alright
You're my angel
Come and save me tonight
You're my angel
Come and take me alright
Come and save me tonight
Come and save me tonight
Come and save me tonight
Come and save me tonight
Come and save me tonight
As the music fades out Dean rushes off the stage and straight into Cas’ arms. He clings to the man and mumbles against his neck, “I’m so sorry Cas, I love you so much.”
“I love you too Dean, lets head home so we can talk,” Cas whispers into his ear. Home. Dean smiles and pulls away to look for Sam. He finds him standing with Charlie watching the two men with soft smiles.
“Go ahead Dean, I’ll stay with Charlie tonight so you two can talk.”
“Thank you,” Dean says as he gives his baby brother a hug. He knows Sam was behind this and couldn’t be more grateful. Cas reaches for his hand and their fingers intertwine as they head to the door. The car ride is a comfortable silence and Dean enjoys it while he can. Just being in the presence of Cas makes him feel whole again. He knows when they sit down to talk its going to be rough, but he owes Cas the whole truth and he just hopes that they can work through it.
When they reach the apartment, Cas goes immediately to the couch and sits down looking at Dean expectantly. With a deep breath Dean moves to join him and sits on the opposite end facing Cas. They sit there in silence while Dean formulates his thoughts and where he wants to start.
“Cas, I love you and I am not ashamed of us in anyway. You are the best thing to happen to me and I am so sorry I haven’t been able to treat you like you deserve. You have always been so so patient with me and have never pushed me. I really thought I was ready to be completely out and proud and to show you off to everyone so they could see I was the luckiest person on this Earth,” Dean takes another deep breath starting to struggle with getting his words out. He’s not even to the hard part yet. A gentle hand reaches out and closes around his, the touch calming him a little.
“Dean, its ok. Take your time,” Cas says gently. Dean nods and takes a moment before continuing.
“A few months ago, we were out with friends and everything was good. I was comfortable and wasn’t thinking of anyone else around us. I went to the bathroom and these two guys…” Dean shudders at the memory. “They followed me in and locked the door. They said I didn’t belong there, and they called me names and then they ganged up on me. It took me back to high school with my dad and next thing I knew, I was on the ground and everything hurt. I was ashamed that I let them get the better of me and those thoughts we worked so hard on moving past were back in full force. I couldn’t face you, so I walked straight out the bar, you followed me that night and I was so upset I took it out on you.”
“Oh Dean,” Cas pulls Dean to him and holds him against his chest. Dean tries so hard to hold back the tears, but they fall anyways. They sit together for what feels like hours before Dean feels like he has control of himself again. He sits up and Cas cups his face between his hands. Gentle thumbs dry the tears on his cheeks and Dean can see Cas trying to hold it together for him.
“After that, the thoughts and words wouldn’t leave my head and I couldn’t tell you because I was so ashamed. So, I pushed you away instead. Sammy tried several times to get me to talk to you, but I just couldn’t. God Cas I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”
“Dean you have nothing to be sorry for. Do I wish you would’ve told me earlier? Yes, I might’ve been able to help. Am I glad you told me now? Absolutely. I love you so much Dean, never forget that,” Cas says while stroking a hand through Dean’s hair.
“I don’t deserve you,” Dean mumbles.
“Yes, you do Dean. You are wonderful and amazing. Bad things happened to you that you didn’t deserve. You do deserve good things, and I hope I can be one of those for you,” Cas says desperately for Dean to understands he really means his words.
“You are the best thing Cas, always have been.”
“You are too Dean. I love you so much. We can take things as slow and you need to. I promise I’m not going anywhere, not anymore. The last few days have been torture without you and I will never put us through that again,” Cas mumbles into Dean’s hair as he brings him back to his chest. “We don’t have to go out as a couple until you’re ready, I know you love me and that’s enough.”
“No Cas. We will go out so I can show off how gorgeous you are and show everyone you’re mine. We might just have to start off small and somewhere I know I’m safe. Like that bar we were at tonight. They almost threw me out because they thought I was a homophobe,” Dean says with a chuckle. “I know I’m safe there. After a little while we can move on to our normal places I promise. I just need a little time.”
“We have our entire lives Dean, there’s no rush. I would like to go back to that bar with you though. You always have loved karaoke, and you look dam good up there doing it,” Cas smirks and Dean huffs a laugh. He looks up to see Cas smiling down at him, so he leans up and slots their lips together for a soft kiss.
“I love you so much Angel.”
“I love you too.”