Archive of Our Own

The clock had just struck midnight when the call came in. 

“Miss Potts.”

Pepper flinched where she was sitting on the large couch in the Malibu mansion, almost allowing her laptop to drop from her lap; only barely being able to steady it before it went spiralling on the ground. 

“Apologies.” Jarvis did sound a little sheepish, as much as it was possible for a computer, at least. “I know I usually don’t disturb you while you're working during this hour but there is an incoming FaceTime from Mr Stark.”

Pepper frowned. Of course, there was. What else should her boss be up to than drunk dialling her in the middle of the night? 

Her first impulse was to just ignore the call; ignore him. If luck was on her side, Tony wouldn’t even remember doing this in the morning when he woke up with yet another hangover. Sadly, luck was so rarely on her side; often choosing to stay away from her instead.

And if her boss woke up the next day, remembering that she ignored him - she’d have never heard the end of it and after working this long tonight, Pepper doubted that she could handle his constant whining the following day. 

With a long sigh, she closed her laptop, setting it down on the couch beside her. “Put him through, Jarvis.” This would certainly end up being entertaining if she could manage to live through the call without getting a stroke.

She shuffled around a little until she found a somewhat comfortable position and looked down at the giant class table where the less than perfect picture of her boss showed up.

“Pepper”, he said in a sing-song voice the second the call connected. “Pep, light of my life; where are youuu?” Yes, completely and utterly drunk. She leaned forward a bit more until Tony was able to properly see her. “Pep! There you are.”

It was dark; Pepper was barely able to make out his features. The damn good camera on his new StarkPhone was the only reason she could see him at all. If she hadn’t grown so fond of her BlackBerry, she would have taken up his offer of getting a custom made phone of his months ago.

“Yes, Mr Stark. I’m here.” Doing the work you’re supposed to do right now instead of wandering the streets. “Is there anything I can help you with?” She flinched back, regretting the words as soon as they left her mouth.

The weak streetlights he was stumbling under managed to light up Tony’s face just enough for her to see the big smirk that was taking a hold of his lips. “If you ask like that … there are a couple of things you could-”

Thankfully, he was too engrossed in staring at his screen to notice whatever it was that stood in his way and promptly walk against it, causing him to break off in the middle of what could have easily been a sexual harassment lawsuit as a loud crash echoed through the streets and his house. “Woah! Who the hell put that trash can there?! Pepper, I was attacked!”

She shook her head at her boss’ whining before looking back down at the table and his face. “It sounded like you were the only attacking it, Mr Stark.”, she answered after a moment, watching as he frowned at the screen. 

“Well, you aren’t here so how could you know?” He started moving again, ignoring whatever mess he had just caused. “Why aren’t ya here, Pepper? You should be here! You’re missing all the fun!”

Pepper seriously doubted it, judging by what she was currently witnessing. Doing paperwork sounded a lot better than wandering through the cold night with a hammered Tony Stark. “I’m currently going through the files that Obadiah told you should be ready 2 days ago, Mr Stark. So, if there isn’t something very serious you-”

“Booooring.” Deep breaths - that was the secret here; taking deep and long breaths. “That’s so boring , Pepper. You should be here; with me. You wanna know what you’re missing out on right now? Do you?” She opened her mouth, ready to say no but Tony wasn’t having it. “Of course you do! Here, lemme…”

He bit his lip in concentration while attempting to turn the screen, thumb brushing over the camera and blacking her view every other second. “Damn it! Why is this so hard? Stupid phone with its stupid buttons…”; her boss cursed like his inability to turn the screen around was to be blamed on the phone and not his shaking fingers and probably blurry vision.

Fighting back the urge to end the call right then, Pepper waited patiently until he finally managed to switch the call’s view, focusing on what he was holding in his hand. She squinted her eyes, trying to deduce with the little light she had what the shaking picture showed her. “Is that…”

“Pizza! Yes, exactly!” Indeed, once Tony managed to get his hand a little under control, it left her with the ability to take a closer look at the slice of pizza in his hand. Then, it left her field of view as her boss pulled his hand back. The almost pornographic moan he let out a few seconds later told her that he had taken another bite of it.

At least, she hoped, that that was the cause of his moan.

“Fucking ‘ell.”, he whispered between bits and pieces of pizza, hand coming back into the view of the camera. “‘s so freaking good , Pepper. Perfect, that’s what it is. Just perfect.” He took another bite; another moan leaving him while doing so.

Pepper’s nose scrunched up - the video feed in front of her did nothing to show how delicious the pizza apparently was. It looked wet and soggy, practically dripping with grease - then again, a perfect meal for a drunk Tony. 

“This is so perfect, Pep. I dunno what else to say.” Good, she thought grimly. That meant that the call would end soon and she could go back to working… or calling Happy and asking him to pick Tony up. Speaking of…

“Where is Happy, Mr Stark? He was in charge of getting you to that club and back home tonight.” Something told her that she didn’t really want to know the answer.

“Hmmm… perfect Pizza.” He was zooming in on the dripping piece of food. “You think it’s weird if I marry it? I don’t know how the board would react. Or Obi but honestly, I can’t let a great gal like this get away and…”

The saddest part about all of this was that a piece of pizza wasn’t even the worst thing her boss had considered marrying at this point. At least this one wouldn’t end up trying to rob his whole house with her other 7 husbands in the dead of the night.

That hadn’t been a funny day for her. 

“Mr Stark, where is Happy?”, she repeated her earlier question, hoping to get him out of his pizza filled trance. It seemed to do work when he let out a long whine and answered:

“Sent him home a while ago. Was a total buzzkill. Said it was enough after 3 clubs. Three!   Had to practically kick him away.” She made a mental note to call Happy after this and apologize on Tony’s behalf - like always. “Back to the wedding.” Oh, great. “Rhodey will be my best man and you’re gonna ‘e the flower girl. Imagine it, Pepper.”

If she didn’t put a stop to it soon, he’d actually start calling wedding agencies after that. “You realise that in order to marry your bride to be, you'll have to stop eating her?” That seemed to do the trick; the groan Tony let out that time more painful than anything else. 

“Oh god! You’re right. The moral dilemma - this is the worst thing I have ever experienced.” Pepper rolled her eyes but was thankful that their conversation could move on from the more than just weird topic. Hopefully, to an end.

“If that was all you needed to tell me, Mr Stark-”

“No!” At this point, Pepper was pretty much used to being constantly interrupted; the sigh she breathed out more of a habit than irritation. Well, irritation as well. “I haven’t even gotten to the reason I called you. Wait…”

Once again, she heard shuffling and knew that her boss was attempting to switch the screen yet again - god knew what his plan was. Sober Tony’s mind was all too easy to read; not that it was wise to read it but it was easy. Drunk Tony, however… if he didn’t want a nice pair of legs wrapped around his waist, it was rather hard to get a read on him. 

“Mr Stark-”

“No, Pepper. This is important. And stop calling me that.” He sounded a bit more sober, the need to focus his attention on a task a little helpful.

“I should stop calling you by your name?”, she asked pointedly, of course, knowing where this discussion was headed. She wouldn’t go down with a bit of a fight though.

“ Peppeeeer. ” That habit of his - becoming a little child when he was drunk - was starting to get to her. “You know what I mean. I’m trying to get something very important out and you aren’t even trying. Com’ on”

She wasn’t sure what he meant but his slurring had gotten a bit more heavy so Pepper’s guess was that her boss was trying to get his liver to jump out of him. It wouldn't be long until it ended up doing just that, having had enough of his constant attempts of poisoning it. 

That probably wasn’t it though and there was only one way to get it out of him…

“Fine.”, she said with a scowl. “What is so damn important, Tony?” The screen was still focused on the pizza but Pepper could hear the little hum of approval he let out. This wouldn’t get any better any time soon; especially when he continued to fail at what he was trying to do.

“I love it when you start swearing, Pep.” Sometimes, Pepper wondered how long ago normal people would have quit or at least hung up when their boss was in a mood like that. It was a truly curious question to which she probably didn’t want to know the answer to. “It’s really hot, you know. So, so hot... ah!”

Finally , the screen flipped over; revealing Tony’s bright eyes and big smile. “I did it, Pep! I fucking did it!” She’d never say it out loud, never...  but watching and listening to him when he got really excited about the little stuff was kind of cute. Kind of - a little.

Her voice betrayed nothing of her thoughts. “Very well done, Mr Stark.”

Another whine, this one even louder, caused her to roll her eyes.

“Tony.”

“That’s it! Now, you listen here and you listen closely.” Just like that, his voice turned serious, leaving Pepper a little on edge. Drunk Tony taking anything seriously usually resulted in a couple of broken bones - either for him or some unfortunate soul who just so happened to cross his path. 

Pepper sat in silence and observed as his glassy eyes did their best to focus on the camera lens. The slice of pizza came back into view as he held it next to his face. “Do you see this pizza, Pep? Do you?”

She had no idea where this was going but that wasn’t even surprising anymore; not when it came to Tony. “I do. I see it. Your lovely bride to be.”

Tony violently shook his head, cheek almost colliding with the greasy topping of his meal. “Ah, ah! Wedding’s off. I have something more important for this pizza to do.” Slowly, he pushed it closer towards the camera until it covered almost the whole screen. “Look at this pizza.”

Pepper did; there really wasn’t anything else to focus on - except, perhaps, the corner of Tony’s face that managed to still be in the picture. “I am looking at it.” She’d have to guide him through this, then - how lovely.

“Good. This pizza ‘s perfect. Perfect , I tell you.” She wondered if Tony was aware that he was repeating himself. Usually, he didn’t like doing that; no matter in what situation. Even when he was pitching an idea to the board and talking about the most complicated mechanics, he tended to get very snappy when not everyone could follow him in an instant. 

“Perfect, yes. You’ve told me so already, Tony.” It wasn’t good how much Pepper enjoyed actually saying his first name out loud and hopefully, Tony wouldn’t notice. As hammered as he was, he probably didn’t. Thank god. 

“Good, ‘s good. Now, tell me the one thing that is even better than this pizza.” Frowning slightly, Pepper tried to understand his more than flawed logic. She gave it a couple of seconds - it wasn’t exactly easy to concentrate with Tony pulling the slice of pizza back again to stare at her - before giving up.

“I believe that the term ‘perfection’ describes something that can’t be topped, Tony.”, she carefully replied, eyes darting back to her laptop as she stared at it longingly. If she could just get him to hang up and go back to whatever he was doing-

“Well, you’re right about that.” Maybe she should call an ambulance. “ Actually, you aren’t because there is something that’s even more perfect than this pizza.” His grin spread across his entire face, practically lighting it up. Pepper did her best to hide her own smile as she replied. 

“And what is that?”

Tony’s smile disappeared as he stared at her in confusion. “You don’t know?”, came the question, his voice filled with disbelief. Pepper opened her mouth to confirm her answer but was, once again, beat to it. “Well, thank god that I’m here to tell you then.”

As fun as it was - watching her boss drunk dialling her while eating pizza - she had actually planned on going home that night and that wouldn’t be an option if she kept on wasting time right now. “Tony, could you please get to the point because I still have a lot of emails to reply to and-”

“It’s you!”, Tony cried out; his cheek actually colliding with the piece of pizza that time which left part of his goatee dripping with grease. Pepper would have scrunched up her nose in disgust if she hadn’t been so confused by his words.

“What?”

“It’s you, silly! The only thing more perfect than this pizza is you.” The smile had returned to his face as Tony continued to stare at her, ignoring the food that was stuck in his beard. “That’s why I called you. I was walking around, eating and thinking about how nothing was more perfect than the pizza when I realised that there actually was something even better !”

There were only a few, very special circumstances when Pepper had no idea how to reply to Tony’s babbling - this, right now, was one of them. She just sat still and continued to stare at her boss while he kept on explaining. 

“You know, there should be a new word in the dictionary. Pepper - the only term that’s more perfect than the word ‘perfection’.” Tony stopped walking; a loud gasp leaving him. “I’ll have to make that happen!”

And just like that, Pepper knew what to say. “Tony, no.” That was always a safe answer to any of his ramblings and ideas outside of the workshop (and if she had better knowledge of what he was actually doing down there, Pepper was sure that she’d also use it a lot more when he was busy tinkering away).

“But Pepper-”

“No.”, she stopped his attempt at arguing about this. “I appreciate this… gesture, Tony. I do but I won’t let you call and bother poor souls just because you have a silly idea stuck in your head.”

The man huffed and shook his head before mumbling “You don’t believe me.” He let out an angry snarl and Pepper was sure he was going to hang up on her. He didn’t. “Why don’t you believe me, Pep? This pizza? It means nothing next to you. Here, I’ll prove it.”

“What are you-”

“Look at this pizza, Pepper. For you, I’ll drop this pizza!” And then, Pepper watched as he raised his food above his head and flung it out of sight with what must have been an impressive throw. “It’s gone!”

Tony was watching her, clearly waiting for her reaction; his face glowing. 

“Tony, I don’t know what you want me to say to this.”, she carefully said, her lips turning upwards into a smile nonetheless. He had really seemed to like the pizza and it wasn’t common of her boss to give up his beloved fast food without a proper fight. Of course, this would have been even more meaningful if it had been a burger from Burger King…

“Ah! You finally get it though!”, he exclaimed in triumph, face getting close to the camera. “I can see you smile!” His head turned away as he started to scream into the night. “I made Pepper Potts smile, suckers!”

She really hoped that there wasn’t anyone within hearing distance. 

Tony turned back to look at her once again as he started running for some reason. “Hold up! I’ll stomp on it just to further prove that you are more perfect than-” He cut himself off with a loud cry and Pepper watched in horror as his eyes grew big and he disappeared from her screen.

There was a dull thump as something connected with ground and she feared that it was both the phone and her boss. He seemed to have tripped over something (probably his own feet) and dropped the phone in the process.

She could see the sky and the stars that were decorating it.

Tony’s voice was muffled; much quieter when he spoke up again. “Pepper.”

“Yes, Tony?”

“Pepper, I fell.”

“I figured as much.”

“Pepper, can you like… come and get me?”

It didn’t sound like he was making any attempt to get up. “Tony, just stand up.”

“‘m pretty sure that I’ll throw up if I do now.”, came the dry reply, followed by a loud cough. “Yeah, not happening. Pepper, please .”

“Tony-”

“I threw a pizza away for you. Doesn’t this mean anything?!” He sounded deadly serious, his voice somewhere between enraged and utterly broken. It would have been hilarious if it hadn’t been so heartbreaking.

“Fine, fine. ”, she ground out while getting to her feet. “Where are you? I’ll come and get you.” Normal people with normal jobs were asleep right now - oh, how she envied them.

“Dunno.” He was starting to sound tired and Pepper knew that the chance of him falling asleep before telling her where he was, was a serious possibility. “I see stars but that doesn’t really help, does it?”

“No.” She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to remain calm. “Tell me where you got the pizza from. You can’t be too far away from there.” Or so she hoped. She had no idea how far he had wandered before deciding to call her.

“Dunno.”

This man was one of the smartest people currently alive; she had to remember that. “What do you mean - you don’t know? What was the pizza place called, Tony? You have to remember that much, at least.” 

"Nothing. I found it in a trash can. Was hungry and anyway, it seemed like such a waste to throw away.” It was something so… Tony, Pepper didn’t even find herself surprised. Still, that didn’t stop her from almost ending the call and leaving him to his fate.

Well, if he wasn’t going to cooperate, she’d have to do it herself. “Jarvis?”

“Yes, Miss Potts?”

“Can you track Mr Stark’s-”

“ Tony’s! ”

“phone for me?” She knew that Tony had disabled that ability for his phone; had told her that he wasn’t a little child that needed to be kept track of. Pepper still remembered smiling at that and telling him that it would come back one day to bite him in the ass.

The day had arrived. 

“As you can see, he’s in no state to get up himself.”, she tried to reason with the A.I. 

“Mr Stark has forbidden me from tracking his location-”

“Do it, Jarvis! Before I die alone here!” At least Tony’s whining was useful for some things. “God, I’m going to fucking die here!” Pepper just had to ignore the rest of the times when it was almost insufferable.

“Very well, Sir.”

One week later, Tony walked into the living room while she was busy typing away on her laptop and seated on his couch once again. He didn’t say anything as he approached her; just gave her one of his flirty smiles and let the book in his hand fall on the table in front of her.

Pepper, in return, also remained quiet as she picked it up and examined it; the book immediately falling open at a page that had been marked. She read the paragraph that had been underlined red, staring at the words in disbelief for a few moments.

When she finally found her composure again to look up, Tony was already halfway across the room, hips swinging as he subtly danced. “Tell me that this is the only copy that features this!”

There was no answer except for his quiet whistling of some random melody.

“Tony!”