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he’s dying.
eddie had always imagined that moment – that last moment we all know we’re gonna begin to cross and not make it to the other end. he imagined himself crashing his car: it was a high possibility, after all, he was a driver, but then, if he crashed his car with some client inside, his death would not be his, everyone would be worried about al pacino or lady gaga. he imagined being mugged and reacting, and then a trigger would be pulled and eddie would be no more. when he was a kid, he imagine someone – anyone – discovering his secret, a secret buried so deep that even himself forgot it sometimes, and then this someone would beat him to death, because that’s what happens with boys like him.
he forgot, of course, the potential outline of an outer space spider impaling his chest.
he’s dying and all of his secrets are coming to surface.
everything he wanted to do, everything he never did because he was too afraid. no, not because of that, because other people (mom mom mom mother mommy ma) made him feel like he should be afraid.
he needs richie to know.
“you know I… I…,” he begins, gasping for air. he feels clean, he wants richie to know that they were never wrong, that he was never wrong. it’s so unfair. he has so much to tell richie; he spent his whole life hiding, and now he can’t say the words because his tongue feels heavy and his mind is shutting down. if they had more time… if they had more time, he would let richie know everything. no more secrets. no more hiding. if they had more time, he would tell richie how he felt every day of their lives.
you still can tell him, someone whispers behind his eyelids and eddie thinks that god’s voice is softer than he expected. help him to be brave. you can save each other. save him, so he can save you.
eddie feels like he’s falling asleep. he can feel richie’s tears on his face. don’t forget, you’re the bravest one.
this is not the way it went.
eddie doesn’t know how he knows it, but he feels it, deep in his gut. it’s like a replay.
(it has been like that his whole life, like he was and wasn’t there, like he knew something the others didn’t – he was the only one capable of guiding them out of the sewers, he was the one who knew where to go. eddie kaspbrak had a compass in the place of his heart.)
richie looks at him, expectantly. eddie wishes he did not know this look, but it’s the same gaze he sees in himself any time he looks in the mirror. eddie wishes he did not know this look because it made him so, so, so happy, and he could not be happy about something like this. something wrong. something sick.
but he did not feel sick. not at all.
(you’re the bravest one, and he shakes his head, because no, he’s not.)
“okay, okay, I know this was a stupid idea,” richie begins, putting a leg out of the hammock. his cheeks are pink and eddie feels so fond of him it hurts. “I just thought... because your sleeping trouble, but, you know, I don’t want to share my personal space with someone who smells like lice medicine… is this your mom’s shampoo or something?”
(eddie would scream something in answer and they would bicker all the way back to their houses, and eddie would linger just a little longer in their goodbye hug and when he got home, he would take a shower, trying to clean all the impurities he knew that couldn’t be washed away, because they were all inside of him.)
he doesn’t scream. he just shakes his head. richie does not move.
eddie notices that richie is holding his breath and this sends a shiver down his spine. a secret so big, buried so deep and yet, yet, so agonizingly obvious. did anyone else know?
he wants to be brave, just for once. and so, he goes into the hammock, by richie’s side. if it was a bed, they would have control over how their bodies touched. but it’s not and they don’t, there is not a lot of space to move, and they’re pressed together, arm by arm, tight by tight, richie is taller so eddie can let his head rest against richie’s shoulder and-
his heart beats so loud that he is sure riche can listen. but richie looks so overwhelmed, positively overwhelmed, that maybe eddie’s heart has a chance.
“uh, this is... are you comfortable, eds? I can move, we can get out if…,” the sentence is never finished because they both know they don’t want to get out.
(this is not the way it went, eddie thinks, but he likes this new scenario better.)
“don’t call me eds and we should be fine,” eddie replies and richie smiles. eddie closes his eyes, thinking he won’t be able to sleep, but he can at least pretend he is trying to. richie starts to hum a song.
eddie is painfully aware of the direction the compass inside his chest is pointing to.
(it was a regular thing now, sleeping together when the others weren’t in the clubhouse. “I would do anything,” richie whispered once and eddie let those words guide him into a good dream.)
eddie can’t get out of his car.
he’s inside his garage, the engine is turned off – he doesn’t want to die because of the carbon monoxide, thank you very much – and he is frozen in place.
he is married. what the fuck.
myra is a good person, he knows she is. she’s a lot like his mother too (he tries not to think that being like his mom and being a good person are antagonic things), and deep down he knew he chose her because of that. he needed someone to remind him of how he was supposed to be. he needed someone to remind him that he should not go running in the rain, that he could throw up if he drank too much, that he was sick, sick, rotting from the inside, and his only chance of forgiveness was doing the safe thing.
you’re the bravest one, and he is angry at himself for hearing this voice again. he wants to forget these words, but he feels like he had already forgotten to much.
"not anymore," he yells at nothing and enters home.
eddie is locked inside his room.
he doesn’t want to face his mother. he doesn’t want to hear her voice. he just wants to cry, cry and cry until his head is aching, until he can’t breathe. he is so tired. tired of her. tired of himself. tired of trying to control what he knows he can't.
the leper offered him a blowjob.
he mere thought of it is enough to make him want to throw up. how did It know? eddie was good at hiding, or so he thought. kneeling in the church, closing his eyes, pretending he believed he could be saved. pretending he wasn’t scared of burning right there, by his mother’s side.
but It knew. It knew his deepest fear. bigger than the fear of any sickness – because this was a sickness he would never be cured from.
he remembers when he was ten, looking at bill’s shoulders, thinking one day bill would conquer the world. he remembers growing up and noticing boys and boys and boys, their jaws, their backs, their arms. he remembers looking at greta and deciding he had a crush on her, she had nice shoulders. he remembers looking at bev, hoping that she would spark his heart, and nothing, nothing. bill and ben are always so amazed by her. even richie, he thinks. eddie knows she amazes him too, but it’s not the same, she is just so brave, he wishes he could be more like her.
(and sometimes she has a weird, scared way to move and a bruise fading from her cheek or her arm and he thinks – he almost thinks, because his mom never did anything like that to him, no, words hurt less than actions, right? right?, but the thought is there – we are the same.)
"dear god… if you are there, please, just make this stop. I don't wanna be like that. I don't wanna go to hell. just make it stop," he whispers, his eyes closed.
you're the bravest one.
eddie opens his eyes. was it god? was it only him, projecting what he wanted to hear? he did not feel brave at all.
but there is a warm feeling spreading over his chest and for a second or two he feels like he is just how he was supposed to be.
eddie always knew they were special.
sometimes, they would sense something before it happens. like at the quarry, moments before the rock fight. when mike met them the first time and the seven of them felt they were finally complete. it was like a voice whispering so quietly it was almost not there.
but – but the day they defeated It, that moment when eddie sprayed his medicine (battery acid!) into Its mouth… it was all his. he knew it. he felt so crazy in that single moment, he felt like he could do anything for his friends. live for them, die for them.
and because of that, he knows he is different now. live for them, die for them – and stand up for himself.
he looks at the scar on his hand and feels somewhat proud. it meant he fought a war and he won. it meant he had the best friends in the world. it meant he could be brave.
it meant he could fight other wars and maybe win them too.
so when his mother tells him to get dressed to church, he gathers all his courage and says “no”.
sonia looks at him alarmed. “what did you say, eddie bear?”
“I said no. I’m not going to church today, ma,” he answers. he’s not trying to sound rebel or mean or anything like that. he’s just tired of being in a place where everywhere he looked reminded him how different he was. he’s just tired of being someone he’s not just so his mother can be at peace with herself.
her eyes are filling with tears. he looks away. he will not fall for it. he fought stronger monsters.
(you’re the bravest one, words that float on his mind and he sticks his feet on the ground. he can be brave, he knows it.)
“why, dear? are your friends against going to church? with all that demoniac rock and roll…”
“no, it’s not about them. richie will probably go to church today. it’s about me,” his voice begins to tremble. this is not the way it went, he realizes. his mind traces a parallel turn of events, where his mother cries and cries and eddie is unhappy, but agrees to go to church anyway, so she can be happy again.
this is not how it should be. she can’t rely her happiness on his suffering. he loves her, she is his mom, after all. but sometimes loving her hurt so much. loving her made him feel afraid.
“I’m tired, that’s all,” he adds, and before she can say something, he’s at the door. “I’m going out, love you,” eddie leaves to the sound of her crying, but he doesn’t look back, he just walks fast, fast, faster, and now he’s running and laughing.
he feels free – he feels brave.
eddie dreams.
dark blues eyes behind thick glasses, whispers in the dark. someone else’s hand holding his. spinning, spinning and laughing, singing, something happens and I'm head over heels, hugging, kissing, him, him, him, the boy with no name that lived only inside his mind, he’s not afraid because he’s with him, they won’t get caught, the moon shines on them, a night to remember, the radio on, him, him, crooked teeth and ugly feet but the nicest smile in the whole world, his voice deep in eddie’s ears, hands everywhere, him-
when he wakes up he feels like orpheus looking over his shoulder, his dream going away, away, and eddie feels tears in his eyes and he doesn’t know why. he gets up before myra can see he’s crying.
don’t forget, a whisper, and eddie shakes his head. he had forgotten already.
time changes some things.
eddie is taller now, not as tall as richie, but he definitely feels better about himself. they defeated It three years before and that changed everything. eddie doesn’t go to church anymore and even though sonia cried about it for a year, she eventually gave up.
eddie knows he’s not sick.
he thinks he’s not normal, he knows he’s different but it’s not a sickness. he’s not rotting from the inside. actually, when he looks at richie – and oh, how he looks at richie these days – he feels like something inside him is building up, not decaying.
it’s the scariest feeling in the world. but also the greatest.
he and richie are sitting alone, feet on the water. the other four are swimming, and they can hear mike and bev laughing like crazy about something stan said.
eddie had begun to notice that sometimes richie looked at him like he was afraid. not afraid of eddie, but afraid of himself, and eddie knew that look very well. you’re the bravest one, and he smiles because he knows he isn’t, but he can try to be. for himself, for richie.
so he holds richie’s hand and richie looks at him, his eyes getting bigger behind his glasses, and eddie is so weirdly calm, like he had already seen this scene. he knows richie will say something stupid and then he will throw water on his face, and they will pretend to forget this moment.
but this is not what happens.
richie interlocks their fingers, not looking at eddie’s direction, and eddie doesn’t know why, but he thinks that they can always save each other.
(they were seventeen the first time they kissed. can I try again, can I try again, can I try again, richie whispered, and every word that eddie used to answer really meant yes, yes, yes, and they tried again so many times, still not enough.)
“richie! I think I killed It!”
eddie feels euphoric, because he was so scared, so afraid that he had changed so much he could never be brave again. but he saw richie caught in the deadlights, and he had to do something, he would do anything to save richie, he would do anything to save any of them.
richie opens his eyes and looks distressed and shoves eddie aside and-
eddie watches with horror one of Its claws cross richie’s chest. he screams, watching richie die.
(this is not the way it went.)
eddie realizes, with much, much surprise, that he is happy.
he is happy and he is with his friends at mike's and they spread blankets on the grass and the night sky shines over them. he is happy and they're listening to a mixtape made by richie that tried to reunite all their favorites, so it went from new kids on the block to david bowie passing by anthrax and the cure and dolly parton.
everything seems perfect. they were at the prom, but then decided that, as always, the seven of them had more fun when alone. it's not that they didn't like other people. it's just that no one is quite like them.
"I love you guys, you know," mike says, a beer on his hand. "I love you so much."
"ohhh, mikey, my man!," richie is also drunk and he throws himself on mike and they laugh, hugging. "we love you too, can I kiss you now?"
"only if I can kiss eddie later," mike answers and richie makes a fake outrageous face.
eddie can't stop laughing. mike was the first to know about he and richie, and was by their side when they told the others and everyone just said things like finally and can I be the best man? and bev cried and hugged eddie and told him how proud she was of him.
eddie closes his eyes and tries to imagine that parallel life where he never kisses richie, where his friends don't know his secret, where he is – not unhappy, because no one could be unhappy with friends like these, but not as happy as he could be. as long as the seven of them are together he feels like he's capable of anything.
"what are you thinking?," richie's voice is a whisper in his ear and eddie takes his hand and gets them up.
"be back in a minute!," he says and the losers shout things and even when they're a bit away they can still hear their laughes.
"my god, I know what's coming. the big moment. you're gonna propose, aren't you?," richie says in a high-pitched voice and eddie pinches his arm, just a little.
"I just wanna talk to you, asshole," he says.
actually, he doesn't know what he wants to say. eddie wants to thank richie for everything. for never giving up on him when eddie felt like what they were doing was a bad thing. for always being so supportive. for always having so much love inside of him.
"I love you," the words come out of his mouth unthinkingly. he looks as surprised as richie.
he never thought he could say something like that to other boy, not out loud, at least. he never thought he could say those three words in a moment of pure happiness – he always imagined that he would only say them in his deathbed or something as dramatic as that. but here he is, putting his heart on richie's hand.
(you're the bravest one, that voice that so often he heard reminded him, and he felt like everything had fallen into place, like he was finally doing the right plays in a game. and for the first time, he thinks that the voice is right.)
richie is on his knees, because he's just like that. "I love you! I love you very much, eds, eddie spaghetti!"
eddie pulls him up to a kiss. he knows he hadn't lived this moment before, but somehow he feels all his life was building up to this.
you’re the bravest one, he hears and then repeats to himself that he can do this, he can save him, if he believes he can, if he believes he can, if he believes he can.
he thinks about his life, all the times he simply knew he could do something, his heart pointing him the way. and he can save him. he can save richie. he hurt It once, he can do it again.
and so he goes, and richie is free from the deadlights.
“richie! I think I killed It!”
and when richie opens his eyes eddie thinks that that’s the right way. richie opens his eyes and looks at him and then he appears to remember something and when eddie realizes they’re both rolling on the floor and It is attacking the place they were.
“I would have… thank you, richie.”
and because he spent all his life loving richie, because they’re together, because eddie feels so happy, so brave, because eddie feels like he can do anything, eddie kisses him.
after, after they’ve cleaned themselves at the barrens (“you know this is not the ideal place for us to clean, right?,” eddie said and everyone laughed, including him), after they’ve called stan to tell him It was gone forever and that they were all going to visit him in the hospital, after ben and bev finally kissed, after, after, eddie and richie were alone in the kissing bridge.
“I want to show you something,” richie says, taking eddie’s hand.
he points to three characters engraved in the wood. r + e.
eddie laughs, feeling tears in his eyes. “I want to show you something, too,” he says, and goes to the other side of the bridge, diametrically opposed from where they were.
a heart carved on the wood. inside of it, an r.
“oh,” richie whispers and his eyes are wet. he laughs. “oh, eds…”
“I know,” eddie says, simply. richie hugs him.
“you saved me. time and time again. you’re the bravest person I know.”
eddie closes his eyes, lets his body relax against richie’s. he knows he’s in the right place, his compass heart leaves no doubt.
“we are braver together.”