Chapter Text
“Bella, we’re leaving.”
I took a deep breath. This, at least, was better than a breakup, and it would explain his stress. “Why now?” I asked. “I thought another year-”
He sighed, the perfect features of his face contorted into a strange, forced pity. “Bella, it’s time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, really? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he’s pushing thirty-three. We’d have to start over soon regardless.”
Confusion clouded my thoughts. The point of leaving was so that we could live in peace- why did the cover story matter now? What had changed, that Carlisle’s alibi was an influence? I searched his gaze, wondering and looking for an answer.
Edward stared back in frigid silence. He offered no more information.
I wouldn’t need information, if…
If…
“When you say we-” I started, carefully annunciating each word. Edward cut me off.
“I mean my family and myself,” he said coldly, each word separate and distinct.
“Okay,” I said, nodding. “Give me an hour to pack. I’m coming with you.”
“No, you aren’t.” His face was snakelike- eyes narrowed, nostrils flared. “Where we’re going- it’s not the right place for you.”
“You’re the right place for me,” I said matter-of-factly- at least, I hoped it sounded matter of fact. He should know that there would be no argument around this by now. Nausea, confusion, abandonment were rolling through me in destructive, terrible waves, but I did my best to stand my ground. I loved him, he loved me. It was that simple, and therefore, I was coming too. “You’re the best part of my life,” I whispered.
“I’m not. I’m no good for you. What happened earlier- my world is not for you.”
“What happened earlier doesn’t matter, Edward! Jasper feels bad, I feel bad, I’m not afraid!”
“You should be! Do I need to remind you of the spring’s disastrous events?”
“Do I need to remind you that you promised?” I challenged. “You promised to stay-”
“As long as it was the best for you,” Edward countered. I kept searching his eyes for something, for any remorse, but there was nothing but fierce certainty. How could this be best for me?
My subconscious retrieved a memory from days ago- my conversation with Carlisle. My eyes narrowed in victory. “This is about my soul, isn’t it?” I said. “Carlisle told me about your little worldview. Well, bad news, Edward, you have my soul already, and you know it.”
I was inches away from him now, and the forest had melted away. The hum of the wildlife had faded to nothingness- all I could hear was the agonizingly loud beat of my heart, and the silence where his would be. Edward didn’t meet my gaze for a long time, murderous expression focused on my shoelaces. Finally, he raised his eyes to mine, and the liquid gold was throwing daggers at me. He straightened to his full height, lifting his chin, and I was forced to take a step back to maintain eye contact. Damn it.
“Bella, I don’t want you to come with me.” His jaw was set, eyes vicious. The words hit me like a truck, and I flinched as I absorbed their full impact.
He doesn’t want you, the voice that dwells in my gut whispered in satisfaction. You knew it all along- how could he want you? He’s perfect, you’re you- you knew this was coming, stupid, naive girl.
Louder than the bitch in my gut, the small voice in the back of my mind, the one who sounded like me, was rattling off every time that Edward had told me he loved me. Every time he had done something thoughtful as a reflex, the first time he said my name, our journey to the meadow, Phoenix, everything.
“If you think that lying to my face will make me let go of you, it won’t work,” I said, cursing myself inwardly at the wobble in my voice. The lump in my throat was hard at work, it seemed. “You- you don’t mean that. You’re only saying that so that I let you go, but I won’t.”
Edward didn’t move, and although it had seemed impossible, his eyes hardened even more. “Really, Bella, how long did you think this was going to last?” He said, arrogance and pity at my naivety laced through his words. “You were a distraction, a fling- this was never going to go anywhere. Look at you! You, in all your… humanity.” He spat the word like it left a foul taste in his mouth. “You were never a match for me, not really.”
I was too shocked to cry. The bitch in my stomach was nodding along, and the voice in my head had fallen silent. When she spoke again, she weakly admitted, He’s right. You know that. Instead of forcing tears that had been blocked by some unseen force, I stared at him. His gold eyes were unrecognizable, and nowhere in their topaz depths did I see contradiction to the words he’d spoken.
“Well, that changes things,” I said, astounded at how calm my voice sounded.
“Of course, I’ll always love you… in a way,” Edward added in a tone that suggested that the ‘way’ was the same affection you held for a beloved family dog. “But your birthday party gave me the clarity that a year of advice from my real family could not. I’m tired of pretending to be human, Bella. I’m sick of pretending to be yours. I’ve let this go on too long, and that’s my fault.”
“Shut up.” I heard my voice but I didn’t remember saying it.
“You’re not good for me,” he said.
“Shut up,” I repeated. “If I’m just- just some, some human plaything, I don’t want to hear it. You’re leaving, I’m a flaming shitheap of humanity, and I can’t change it, so just go. Get out of my town.”
“I ask one thing of you before I go,” he said indifferently.
“Oh, yeah?” I asked, fire suddenly alive in my gut, but the cold look in his eyes extinguished it as quickly as it had ignited. When I spoke, it was in defeat. “What do you want, Edward?”
“Don’t do anything reckless. Or stupid,” he said. His tone was still nonchalant, but some of the passion came back to his eyes. For a second, I recognized him again. Then he blinked, and the impassivity returned. “I’m thinking of Charlie, of course. Your death would kill him. Take care of yourself for his sake.”
It was my turn to stare at my shoelaces. I didn’t say anything, thinking of all things that right now, it didn’t matter that Edward couldn’t see my thoughts. Because my mind was perfectly empty. I felt myself nod. He was still talking.
“It will be better for you. It will be as if I was never even here. Your human mind is like a sieve- give it two, three years, and I will be nothing but a bad dream.”
“What about your memories?” I asked in monotone, as if I was reading off of a teleprompter.
“Like I’ve said. My kind is very easily distracted.” I knew he was smiling that crooked grin, but I wasn’t looking at him. I wasn’t sure I could focus on anything. I watched his feet shuffle backwards with the grace only he could possess.
“Well, that’s it, then. We’ll leave you to your business.”
“I want to say goodbye to Alice,” I said suddenly, my eyes flashing to his. “Unless she feels the same way, and I’ve been the family pet all this time without even knowing it.”
Edward shrugged. “I wouldn’t know how she feels,” he lied- obviously he would know- “But it doesn’t matter. They all left this morning, and I stayed to say the collective farewell.”
“Some diplomat you are.”
“Goodbye, Bella Swan,” he said in his cool tone. He sounded almost pleased with himself. All of the fire I had felt, the anger, the betrayal, was replaced with a wild moment of despair.
“Wait,” I begged, reaching out. Panic clawed at my throat- yes, I was mad at him for leaving, but if I could make him stay, we could work things out, couldn’t we? I grabbed his wrist and dug my heels into the ground, adamant.
Edward shook me off, as delicate as if he were handling a bird. “Take care of yourself,” he said lightly. He stared for just a moment, and then in the blink of an eye, he ran off.
I was alone in the woods.
Numbly, I did the only thing I could think to.
I followed him.
About three steps into the venture, I realized it was a lost cause- he hadn’t left footsteps, crushed foliage, anything trackable- but I pressed on. If I stopped searching, I was giving up.
Just like he’d given up on me.
I wandered for some time, calling his name as the sunlight faded. It began to drizzle with the sunset, but I couldn’t stop, so I shrugged my jacket further up my shoulders and clenched my jaw.
In the pitch black, I tripped over something, a root, maybe, and fell. My cheek felt hot against the cold mud, the rain splashing on my face just right to make me close my eyes and curl into the fetal position. I would lay here until… until… I didn’t know what I was waiting for. The morning, perhaps. The rain stopped, and I looked up through a gap in the trees, hoping for the stars, the moon, anything, but the sky was unforgivingly empty.
I closed my eyes again and dreamt someone was calling my name.
A hand landed roughly on my shoulders and I screamed, flailing my arms and shoving the person away.
“Bella? Bella Swan?”
I pushed myself into a sitting position against a tree trunk, my heart racing, and a hand lifted against the flashlight shining mercilessly into my face. “How do you know my name?”
The man set his flashlight on the ground and held his large hands up placatingly. “Bella, my name is Sam Uley. Have you been hurt?”
I stared at him. The angle of the flashlight made him look like something out of a thriller- all shadow and angular cheekbones. I shook my head to his question. “How do you know my name?” I repeated, still suspicious.
“Charlie sent me to find you,” he said. “There’s a whole search party out here. You’ve got the town pretty worried.”
I took a moment to process his words. Fuck the town, but if Charlie was worried…
“Charlie sent you,” I said, and it wasn’t a question. Sam Uley nodded, and I pushed myself to my feet. He copied the motion, hands at the ready to catch me should I fall. I took a step towards him and staggered- he caught me on reflex. “Can you walk?”
I nodded, and he let me go, but his hands still hovered. I took another step and nearly tripped, and he gave a small sigh. “If it’s alright, I’m going to carry you,” Sam Uley said, waiting for my nod before scooping me up like I weighed nothing. I noticed that he wasn’t wearing a jacket, just a long sleeved tee shirt, but he radiated warmth, which I was immeasurably grateful for. If I had been any degree less exhausted, I would have been embarrassed at being carried- and by a stranger no less- but it was all I could do to keep my shivering to a minimum and lean my head onto his shoulder, shutting my eyes and letting this furnace of a guy heat me up.
I was dimly aware of conversation growing louder around us, and it abruptly cut off as Sam said, “I found her.” His voice boomed in his chest- I flinched at the sudden vibration. It was nothing, though, compared to the cries of relief and sudden crowd around us. “Is she hurt?” Someone asked.
“No,” Sam said. “But she keeps saying, ‘I need to find him’, and ‘He’s gone’.”
I frowned. Had I been saying that out loud?
“Bella!”
My head turned instinctively towards his voice. “Charlie?” I knew that I had spoken, but my voice sounded small. Weak. I didn’t like it.
“I’m here, kiddo- give her here, Sam,” Charlie said, and Sam hesitated.
“Maybe I should hold onto her, Charlie,” he said, but I was already being passed, and my face pressed against Charlie’s leather jacket, the fluff around the collar tickling my nose.
“No, I’ve got her,” Charlie said, gruff and out of breath. “Let’s get you home.”
We moved slowly, and I felt every step. “Charlie, I can walk,” I wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come out. I watched over Charlie’s shoulder as the woods receded and eventually, we came up on our house. Sam Uley held open the door, and Charlie huffed his way to the sofa and lowered me onto it.
“I’m all wet and muddy,” I protested, trying to get up, but he pushed me back down. “Doesn’t matter,” he said gruffly. “Sam- blankets are at the top of the stairs in the cabinet to the left.”
Sam walked off, and Charlie sat at my feet. A new face came into view, and although it took me a minute, I said, “Dr. Gerandy?”
“That’s right,” he said, mock-cheerful. “Let’s get a good look at you, shall we? Are you hurt?”
I shook my head again, dwelling on his phrasing. In the woods, Sam had asked Have you been hurt, which didn’t sound different, but a part of me knew that the inconsistency was laced with meaning- meaning I couldn’t quite grasp.
I spent the next hour being prodded, swaddled, and interrogated by Dr. Gerandy, Charlie, and then Dr. Gerandy some more. I answered his questions in single word replies.
Are you hurt? No.
Did you get lost? Yes.
Was anyone with you? No.
Are you tired? Yes.
After “Did you get lost”, I’d shut my eyes. It was too much with everyone there. The Newtons, Jessica and her parents, the Webers, the neighbors, Sam Uley and two others from La Push- half of the town must have been looking for me. Dr. Gerandy deemed me safe to be left alone, and he and Charlie crossed the room to discuss in hushed tones. I strained to hear.
“-true that they left?” Charlie was saying. I squinted at him- he was fiddling with his watch’s strap, latching and unlatching the leather band in a nervous tick.
“Dr. Cullen asked for our discretion,” Dr. Gerandy said. “The offer was lucrative and sudden- there was no time for goodbyes. They didn’t want a whole production.”
That was the cover story, then. Carlisle had taken an offer elsewhere.
“A little warning would have been nice,” Charlie grumbled. “And Bella lied- I found a note on the counter from her, telling me that she and Edwin had gone on a walk in the woods-” he cut off, fists clenching. “Son of a bitch, he left her out there alone.”
“Let’s not jump to conclusions,” I heard Dr. Gerandy say, but a strange emotion was in me. It was anger on a low setting. It had the capacity to ignite, but I had no spark. Edward had left a note, so that the party would know to come looking for me if I didn’t make it home. Why would he do that if he didn’t care about me?
Why didn’t he care about me?
I closed my eyes with that thought, drifting in and out of consciousness. The hushed voices of all of the volunteers shifted from silenced by sleep to the all-too-loud tones of drowsiness. I heard Charlie usher the last one out of the house with a thank you, then collapse in the armchair next to my feet. I wasn’t sure how long he sat in silence before the phone rang, and he mumbled and got up to get it.
“Hey, Billy,” he said, and I craned my neck, watching as he rubbed the exhaustion from his eyes. “Yeah, we found her. She got lost. She’s okay. Thanks for sending Sam and the boys- without them, we might still be looking.”
He listened, and I watched as he blinked. “Fires?” He scratched at the back of his neck. “And why are they doing that?”
He glowered at whatever Billy’s response was. “Uh huh. Well, don’t apologize to me, just make sure they don’t spread. Thanks again, Billy. See you.” Charlie hung up the receiver and sighed, leaning his head against the wall. This seemed personal, and I felt like I was intruding where I shouldn’t by watching him like this, so I broke the silence.
“What’s burning?” I asked. He glanced up, then said, “I’m sorry I woke you up.”
“It’s fine,” I said, tucking my feet under me and sitting up more. “What’s burning?”
“Some kids in La Push set off some bonfires down the coast,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose as he crossed to lean against the kitchen counter. “They’re celebrating,” he added meaningfully at my confused look.
Of course the Quileutes would be celebrating the fact that the Cullens had departed. Jake’s story from last spring rung in my ears. We fell quiet, Charlie and I, watching the sun rise through the dirty window over the kitchen sink.
“Bella?” Charlie said quietly.
“Hmm?”
“He left you alone in the woods?”
I clenched my jaw and didn’t look at him. “How’d you find me?”
“Your note. When you didn’t come back, I got a search team together. I need you to tell me if he left you in the woods alone.”
“It’s not like that, Dad, we were on the trail- I could see the house- but I followed him, and I got lost. It doesn’t matter, anyway.”
“Where was Edward going?” Charlie asked, and hearing his name sent a bolt of pain and anger and loss so violently through me that I lurched to my feet. “I’m gonna go lie down in my bed,” I said, and before Charlie could protest, I was staggering up the stairs.
If he had been in the house to plant a note, what else had he done?
I rummaged through my room, checking everything, dread pooling in my stomach as I sat down and assessed. My CD, gone. The photos in the album from Renee, gone. The jacket he’d left me, the one I’d worn to school a day or two prior, missing.
It will be as if I was never even here.