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Buck sighed to himself, tilting his head back as he felt the breeze of the ocean water hit his face. His legs dangled over the edge of the bridge and he thought it felt nice as he swung them back and forth through the chilly night air. The water underneath him appeared dark and inviting, the gentle lapping of waves several feet below him whispering for him to come join them, let himself be washed out with the seas—it was just like falling asleep, he’s heard. He really wanted to sleep. He was tired.
“Sir? Can you come back up over the edge for me?” Buck recognized Athena’s voice coming from above him, and he twisted his head back and looked up to see her leaning against the railing and peering down at him. “I’d like to talk to you, if that’s alright.”
Obviously she hadn’t realized it was him at this point.
Buck kept swinging his legs, enjoying the way the chill from the air cut through his jeans and numbed his legs. He looked back out towards the sea and decided to ignore Athena for right now—a pleasant numbness was still wrapped around him like a bubble and he didn’t want it to go away. He liked it. It was better than the alternative.
He felt a sliver of irritation when Athena shined her flashlight down at him. It was gone as quickly as it came, the calming numbness returning as he realized his pants matched the color of the water and he smiled a little. He didn’t know why.
“Buck?”
Of course, the birthmark. From her angle, it probably wasn’t hard to see it against the side of his face. He wished she would go away. Couldn’t she see that he just wanted to be alone?
“Buckaroo, come up here for me, please.” Athena’s voice was softer now, there was something in her tone that made Buck pause, a frown forming as something tickled in his brain but he decided to ignore it.
He could hear the sirens getting closer at this point and his hands gripped the iron beneath him so tightly his knuckles started to turn white. No, no, no— he didn’t want them here. He was trying to do what they wanted, he just—he just needed another second. The water below him continued to lap quietly, unbothered by the sirens and voices above his head and he longed for that. He longed to be unbothered by the team, but the people who have made it clear that—
Bitterness, anger, and grief started to seep into his bubble and Buck squeezed his eyes shut, desperately trying to hold onto the refreshing numbness he’d had. He was tired of all these emotions. They gave him nightmares, fed his insecurities—he just wanted them to go away.
“Hey, kid.”
Buck opened his eyes and glanced to his left, feeling a burst of anger when he saw Bobby balanced a couple feet away from him on the metal beam, a harness attached to his chest and the rope extending up to the edge of the bridge. He looked away when Bobby’s eyes met his, his fingers thrumming like drums against the metal. “Go away.” he rasped, his voice rough due to disuse. How long had it been since he talked to someone now? Three weeks? Four weeks? The city was putting up a fight, drawing out the lawsuit.
“Can’t do that Buck.” Bobby replied, taking a step forward towards him.
Buck squeezed his eyes shut. He could practically see the disappointment again, ‘you’re not ready’, the shock and anger on his face when he told him about the lawsuit. No! No, no, no! His legs swung beneath him, faster now as his heart rate increased. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. He knows—He knows they all hate him and they think he’s an idiot but he just—
Buck is tired.
“What’s going on in that head of yours, Buck?”
Buck couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his throat, shaking his head in a way that bordered on hysterical. He was pretty sure Bobby didn’t want to know what was going on in his head. Why would he? He hated him. Buck hated himself. “I’m tired.” he ended up saying quietly instead, opening his eyes back up and staring down at the dark ocean below them. Every second the numbness left him, the louder the emotions got, the more inviting the darkness appeared. He could see it now, the water gently wrapping Buck up like a never-ending hug, lulling him to the peaceful sleep he’s been craving.
“It’s pretty late, I’m tired too.” Bobby said. Buck could see him inching closer from the corner of his eye. “Why don’t you come back up with me and we can both get some sleep?”
“No!” Buck felt his breathing pick up, terrified of the idea of going back to his empty apartment, to sleep in an empty and cold bed all alone, alone alone— “I’m not going back to sleep.”
That made Bobby pause. “What do you mean, Buck?”
Buck shook his head and forced himself to take a deep breath, despite feeling like his lungs were crushing in his chest. “I’m not going back to sleep.” he repeated, his jaw clenching at the flood of memories flashing behind his eyelids. “I can’t do it anymore. The truck—the water—” Alone, alone, alone—he’s always alone.
Bobby was silent, and Buck couldn’t hear him moving. “You’re still having nightmares? Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“Tell who?” Buck lashed out bitterly. “The captain I’m suing? The family I thought I had? I’m alone. I’m always alone I never—” he cut himself off, exhaling shakily and shaking his head. “I’m tired of being alone.” he finished quietly, staring wistfully out into the ocean.
“Buck, you’re not alone.” Bobby said softly, a wounded note in his voice. “You’re never alone. You’ve got me. You’ve got the team. Your sister.”
The laugh Buck barked out was sharp and angry. “No I don’t.” The need to elaborate was on the tip of his tongue, but the words died there as another wave of exhaustion hit him, down deep to his bones. There was a time when he would have lashed out at Bobby, the words finally boiling over the surface and scalding him with his honesty and anger. He would’ve ranted and raged about Bobby’s blindness, the team’s lack of care and understanding.
He didn't want to fight anymore. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.
Buck slowly rose to his feet, relishing in the way the cold wind whipped at his face and blew at his hair. There was a calmness that settled in him as he stood there, staring down to the dark waters below. He was aware of Bobby to his left, but still, he ignored it. He was done fighting.
Buck just wanted to sleep.
There were no second thoughts. No regrets or memories of good times that flashed through his mind like there were in the movies. There was only peace and certainty as he lifted his foot off of the metal beam and let himself fall forward, the cold air rushing past his face, enveloping him in its grasp.
Peace.