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He shouldn’t be here.
He’s not sure about much, but he is sure that this is one dumbass move in a long line of dumbass moves.
Eddie finds himself standing in a hallway.
Facing a door as familiar to him as his own front door. With his head hanging down, he clutches his arm against his side, hoping the pressure will alleviate the blinding pain in his shoulder, and hesitates.
He didn’t intend to end up here. Eddie just remembers getting into his car after another fight, trying so hard not to pass out from the pain, and then he was here.
At Bucks door, injured, in pain, and hesitating.
Three months ago he wouldn't have hesitated. Hell, he has a key to the damn place.
Three months ago, he would’ve strolled right in, and Buck would’ve been happy to see him. He knew that.
To be fair, three months ago he wouldn't have found himself embroiled in an illegal fighting ring, and when he stops to think about it, he wants to laugh because how in the hell is Eddie Diaz, veteran, firefighter and single father to the greatest kid in the world, in a fight club?
But none of that matters, does it? Because three months ago he wouldn’t have imagined his best friend walking out of his and his son’s life in order to sue the city to get his job back!
Eddie knows he’s not being fair. Buck explained and apologized, but it hasn’t been the same. Buck’s tried, but Eddie hasn’t given an inch. Buck hurt him. Plain and simple. He thought he had someone in his corner, but Buck left him. Left them.
And now Eddie is here, hesitating.
Eddie raises his right arm up, trying not to jostle the rest of his body with the sudden movement, and knocks three times, definitely harder than necessary.
The action alone exhausts him, and he finds himself leaning his whole right side against the door, waiting for Buck to come and answer it.
He can hear rustling on the other side and a soft reply from Buck. “Be right there.”
Eddie lets out a sigh and hangs his head while he waits. It couldn’t have been more than fifteen seconds before the door is yanked open and Eddie tumbles to the side, unable to catch himself.
Buck catches him, though.
There they stand, door fully ajar, Buck holding Eddie in his arms, when he hears Buck gasp.
“What the hell happened to you?”
“Good evening to you, too!” Eddie bitterly replies.
He begins to push himself off of Buck, aware that as nice as that position is, he can’t allow himself to get comfortable. Buck didn’t lean on him when he should’ve, why should he?
So why was he here? He misses him. Eddie misses his best friend. He can acknowledge how much Buck means to him and accept why his subconscious would take him directly to the one person he’s been pushing away. Buck is his person. The first person he is used to turning to no matter the problem, and not having him around has made Eddie feel like he is drifting without anchor.
Once he is fully upright, he takes in his best friend. He sees Buck’s sleep tousled hair and his pajamas, and for the first time wonders what time it is. Every single fight he’s had, he made sure Christopher was looked after for the night. He wouldn’t typically make it back home until well after midnight. If one can rely on patterns, Eddie guesses it is just as late now.
“Again, I ask you, what the hell happened to you, Eddie? Were you in an accident? Is Christopher okay? You need to go to the hospital!” Buck raises his voice with each question he asks, and he takes a step closer to Eddie to inspect him.
“No hospital!” Eddie demands.
Buck goes around,closes the door, and turns on the light to the entryway to have a better look. He raises his hand and places it under Eddie’s chin to turn his head left and right.
“No hospital?” Buck questions with both eyebrows raised in surprise.
“I don’t need it. I just need you.” Eddie catches himself after that slip up. With Buck so close and touching him as he is, even in pain, his stomach swoops.
“I mean, I need your help,” he corrects quickly while avoiding eye contact, not giving Buck the chance to interrupt. “I need you to help me, please.”
“And Christopher? Is he okay?”
“He’s fine,” Eddie brings his eyes back to Buck. “My abuela has him tonight while I went out.”
Buck steps back and heads to the bathroom, “Went out where?” he questions. “To a fighting ring, where you were someone’s personal punching bag?”
Buck squats down in front of the sink rummaging for his first aid kit. When he finds it he grabs a couple of gloves and puts them on.
“Actually, yeah.” Eddie challenges as he steps around him to sit on the toilet.
He doesn’t even care who knows. It was supposed to be a secret. Some way for him to let off steam and get himself centered. He just wanted to be able to be there for his team and his son without carrying all this resentment and anger— most of which was directed at the person now looking at him like he’d lost his damn mind.
And maybe he had, but it’s not like he can talk about it with him. Buck had left him.
Buck chose to deal with things on his own. He didn’t need Eddie, didn’t need Chris. So Eddie had to make do without his best friend.
“Are you out of your mind? Why would you do that?” Buck is just standing there, gobsmacked, while holding a gauze pad in one hand and a bottle of hydrogen peroxide in the other.
“Because I had to deal with it!” He snapped. His reaction not helped with the fact that Buck chose that moment to apply the wet gauze to one of his cuts above his eyebrow.
Buck looks at him confused, eyebrows drawn in as he locks eyes with Eddie.
“Deal with what?”
“Deal with you not being there!” All of the pent up frustration is finding its way out of Eddie’s mouth without much control. But hey, it’s not like I have anything to lose, he thinks. He’s already walking around without leaning on the one person he counted on to be by his side. Might as well be honest.
“Deal with you needing to do things on your own” Eddie continues, “and not thinking once to reach out to me! Deal with Christopher’s questions as to why he can’t see His Buck! Deal with the fact that I couldn’t talk to my best friend because he saw it fit to distance himself from his team, his family.” Eddie couldn’t hold back the bitter words cause they were true. That’s how he felt. And for the first time in months he needed Buck to know what this did to him. What it did to them.
Buck flinches as if slapped and draws his hand away to discard the gauze that’s now bloody.
“I apologized. Or at least I tried,” Buck begins, reaching for ointment to put it on the cuts on Eddie’s face, as he goes on. “It was selfish to push you all away, I know that. But you need to understand that I felt like you all moved on without me. To me, it looked like you found a replacement and I was no longer needed. Then I saw desk duty looming in front of me for the rest of my life, and Eddie, I felt like I was suffocating, like I didn’t know who I was anymore without being a part of the 118.” Buck pleaded for Eddie to understand. Pain clear in his eyes.
“But why didn’t you tell me?” Eddie still couldn’t understand why Buck would decide to go at it alone.
“So that you could tell me how I needed to get over it? And how, ‘we all go through shit, Buck’ so I just had to brush it off and move on?!” Losing the tight lid he had on his temper, Buck lashed out while standing back up to look at Eddie.
“And, on top of all of that,” he pressed on, “you have Christopher to deal with Eddie! You have plenty of shit on your plate already, and you don’t need anyone else storming in with all their issues.” Buck was still glaring but began deflating as he finished his confession. Arms crossed, he stood against the sink counter, staring at the wall to his left. His jaw clenched in frustration.
Buck was angry and hurt. Eddie was angry and hurt.
“Fuck.” Eddie dropped his head in defeat. “I’m sorry.”
Eddie rose from his seat and stood in front of Buck in the tight space of the bathroom.
“I am sorry.” He repeated when he raised his head and met Buck’s eyes. “I am sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t be hurt. Like you couldn’t feel what you felt. I am sorry I didn’t understand and my dumb words and attitude pushed you away. I am so— I am sorry.” Eddie’s voice cracked on his last apology.
Buck nodded while he listened. Tears apparent in his eyes.
“But know this, Evan. You’re not just anyone,” Eddie continued, not wanting there to be anymore words unsaid between them. This barrier they’ve both put up is stupid. It’s kept them away from each other, and they kept it up for no other reason other than assuming the other wanted to.
“You’re my best friend. You’re my teammate, my partner. You’re my family, Evan.”
With that, Buck’s tears fall and his bottom lip wobbles. All the while, he keeps nodding as he looks at Eddie.
Without thinking, Eddie raises his left arm out to wipe Bucks tears and lets out a cry in pain.
“Ahhh shit fuck,” Eddie exclaims as he quickly puts down his arm and clutches it to his side.
Buck touches his arm gently and asks, “What happened to your arm?”
“I think the shoulder is dislocated,” Eddie winces.
“Let’s go in the kitchen and lie on the island.” Buck switches to the other arm and grabs Eddie’s right hand, leading him out of the bathroom.
Eddie follows as his whole body warms from the contact his hand has with Buck. He realizes that he bared himself to Buck back in that bathroom. He told Buck how much he means to him, and he’s trying not to panic over the fact that Buck hasn’t responded. He should feel foolish for feeling like this, but all he wants is to be close to Buck. To hold him.
Well... maybe not at this exact moment, because in this moment his shoulder feels like it’s on fire, and Eddie is in agony.
Buck removes the only appliance on the island, and Eddie proceeds to lie down face up with his arms on his side.
“Okay, have you had your shoulder popped back in before?” Buck questions.He takes a hold of Eddie’s hand with his left thumb in between Eddie’s thumb and forefinger and the rest of Buck’s fingers gripping the outside of Eddie’s hand.
“Yeah, I know it’s going to hurt like a bitch, so just go for it.” Eddie answers through clenched teeth. He tries to relax by looking at Buck, whose forehead is scrunched in concentration. Blue eyes zeroing in on his shoulder.
“Just so you know,” Buck begins, while slowly bringing his arm out at a 90 degree angle, “I still think you’re an idiot for putting yourself through this.”
POP.
Buck bring his eyes back to Eddie, who has not stopped looking at him through this, as he continues to move his arm through the side towards Eddie’s head. “And I am sorry I made you feel like I didn’t want you or your help.”
POP.
Eddie’s breath rushes out in one strong gust of pain, and he feels the pressure release in his arm. Buck bends Eddie’s left arm at the elbow and places it on top of his chest, but he doesn’t let go of his hand.
“I’ll always want you, Eddie. You’re my partner. You’re my family, too.”
Eddie sighs and brings his right arm around to place his hand at Buck’s nape. He locks eyes with Buck, trying to confirm in his gaze what Eddie thinks he is hearing. What he sees makes all the butterflies in the world swarm in his stomach. Every vein in his body thrums with the love he sees shining in Bucks eyes.
“I love you, Buck.” Eddie breathed. His heart beating out of his chest with all the emotions overtaking his body.
“I love you too, Eddie.”
With that last declaration, Buck brings himself down and joins their lips together.
It’s like coming home.
They breathe each other in as they kiss. Familiarizing themselves with their taste, their touch, their feel.
Their lips fit like they do. They bring comfort from the hurt they’ve caused each other. Their blood sings as it rushes through their system in a sensual dance of attraction and arousal when Eddie cradles Buck’s head, his fingers in his hair, and Buck lets out a moan in satisfaction. This kiss holds a promise of security and love.
They break apart, and Buck and Eddie’s smiles light up their faces.
“I should, uhhh… get you, um—” Buck stutters out and Eddie sees he’s trying to gather his thoughts with little success. He smiles again at Eddie as he tries to untangle himself from their embrace.
“A sling. I need to get you a sling. For your arm.” Buck begins to back away and then comes back and unites their lips once more for a quick kiss. “I’ll be right back.”
Eddie can’t believe how his night turned out. He almost wants to beat himself up about the fact that they let this distance play out as long as it had. He could’ve lost out on so much if he had continued to hesitate.
As Buck made his way back, still smiling as he fashioned a sling out of a bed sheet because, “I am not a hospital, Eddie,” he vowed to not let it get that way again.
There was so much they still had to talk about, but they got one thing straight: They were partners, each other’s family, and they wouldn’t hesitate to speak their minds to each other, again.