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“Mr. Stark…does Pepper watch porn?”
Tony spits out his drink and puts his glass down in utter perplexity, turning away from his kid at the last second so that he doesn’t soak him with soda. This was the absolute last thing he expected to hear while out to lunch.
From the other side of the booth, Peter flinches away from the “splash zone” and winces with guilt, “Sorry.”
The older man clears his throat and wipes up the light spillage on the table with napkins, “Um...come again?”
The teen’s cheeks flush in embarrassment and he quickly backtracks, “Um, it’s nothing, it’s nothing, uh, forget I said anything.”
Tony’s voice stays firm, “Oh, hell no, I did not just make a fool of myself for no reason, why in God’s name do you wanna know that, kid?”
The spiderling bites his lip in nervousness but he manages to push through, “Well...does she?”
The genius sighs deeply, having no clue why this subject is even being brought up, “I, I don’t think so? Not that I know of, anyway.”
Peter nods, seemingly satisfied with the answer, “Okay...okay, cool.”
After a few seconds of the teenager not explaining himself, Tony gives him the most confused look that he’s probably ever shown, “Kid?”
“Yeah?” Said kid folds his upper lip over his bottom one.
The man’s look then turns into one of exasperation, “Why the fuck did you wanna know that?”
Peter’s cheeks flush again and he stares down at his basket that once contained fries and a couple of burgers, “It’s stupid, I’m sorry.”
“I don’t care how stupid it is, people don’t ask other people if their wives watch porn or not. C’mon, kiddo, what gives?”
The sixteen-year-old sighs again and his gaze goes to his own half-full soda glass. He then mindlessly starts rubbing the sweat off of it as he answers, “Um,” he takes a deep breath, “I saw a kid in the computer lab yesterday looking at porn.”
Tony snorts, “At school? Okay, first of all: that kid’s a dumbass.”
Peter smirks, himself, “Yeah, yeah he is.”
“But what’s that got to do with Pepper?”
“Well, um,” the tyke pushes the empty basket out of the way and crosses his arms on top of the table, “He saw me, he knows I knew what he was looking at. And he said…”
Tony is now looking slightly worried, “Peter, what did he say?”
Peter stutters before he responds, “He said-he said that he wasn’t...‘getting any’ from his girlfriend, ‘cuz she’s not ready for sex yet. So, he’s ‘resorting’ to this, he said.”
Oh, no.
Now it’s starting to click with Tony, but he doesn’t say anything as his kid continues, “So I was just wondering if-does Pepper, like...look at that stuff because she’s-she’s not having sex with you?”
That makes Tony pause. How does he respond to that?
Honestly, the hero never thought much about it. When he told Pepper he’s asexual, it was still pretty early in their relationship, early enough to where if she did need sex, she could just leave him and that would be that. Tony would still be heartbroken, sure, but it wouldn’t be as bad as her leaving him when the relationship got more serious.
But when Pepper told him she didn’t care, when she told him that she loved him no matter what, Tony felt like he could fly all over New York without his suit. He finally understood what it meant to be on cloud nine.
So he didn’t think about that aspect, didn’t think about her...needs because he figured that if she cared about that, she would've left him long before they got married.
So he starts to tell his newly discovered asexual intern as such, "If Pepper is looking at stuff like that, then I don't know about it -"
Peter cuts him off, "Would you be offended is she was?"
"Would you be offended if your boyfriend or girlfriend was looking at porn?"
"Well, I don't know, honestly. Like, I mean I get it, they'd have...needs that I can't exactly help them out with. But I don't know, it sounds gross too like, I don't know."
Tony gives the teen an empathetic smile, "Look at it this way: someone is dating you because they want to date you, they want to be with you, sex drive be damned. If they need to look at stuff like that every once in a while to keep...things at bay, I don't think that's the worst in the world."
Peter shrugs, "I guess. I mean, if Pepper does look at that stuff, she's not making you feel bad about it or anything."
"Exactly, but this guy, on the other hand, sounds like a little asshole. I hope his girlfriend realizes it and dumps his ass."
The teen half-smiles, "Yeah, me too, the guy's kind of a dick, anyway."
Tony gently smiles back at the kid, "So, you good now, young grasshopper?"
Peter blushes in embarrassment and the man is quick to reassure him, "I'm glad you asked, kiddo, honest. But you gotta admit, I would never expect that question in a million years."
The kid blushes even more, "I know and I’m sorry if I freaked you out. I just, I don't have anyone else to talk to about this and...anyway um, thanks."
"No sweat. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling an ice cream cone. What d’ya say?"
Peter smiles fully, "Duh."
-
The next morning, Tony awakes to feel Pepper restlessly shaking his shoulder and damn near chanting, “Honey, honey, wake up, you gotta wake up.”
The man groggily opens his eyes and finds himself staring into his wife’s fearful ones. He rubs his eyes to adjust to the light coming in from the window and asks as he sits up, “What?”
Pepper’s mouth forms into a thin line, which makes her husband feel even more perturbed, “Just, just come to the kitchen as soon as you can, okay?” She then grabs his phone from the nightstand and rushes out the door.
Well, that’s ominous.
The mechanic bypasses his morning routine in favor of finding out what the fuck is going on and walks into the kitchen. He finds his wife and protege clad in pajamas and sitting across from each other at a table, both with anything but happy expressions on their faces. The kid, in particular, looks terrified and Pepper is attempting to comfort him by gently rubbing one of his hands.
Tony’s concern grows at that and he sits next to the kid, “What the fuck, Peter, what happened?” He then starts comfortingly rubbing his intern’s back.
Peter’s only response is, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Mr. Stark.”
“Kid, what the hell going on -”
Pepper cuts him off and slides a cup of coffee towards him, “Um, babe, there’s no easy way to say this so I’m just gonna come out and say it,” she folds her hands in front of her, not really knowing what to do with them, “They know.”
Tony’s eyes widen in shock and grips tightly onto his intern’s shoulder. He then looks into Peter’s scared eyes, “How the hell did they find out about Spider-Man?!”
The kid shakes his head, “It-It’s not-it’s not Spider-Man.”
The older man’s eyebrows scrunch in confusion, “What -”
Pepper finally blurts out, “Tony, they know you’re asexual, and by ‘they’, I mean...everyone, everyone knows...I’m so sorry, baby.” She then gently grips her husband’s free hand and uses her thumb to rub soothing circles into his knuckles.
Tony barely notices his wife’s touch. He can hardly feel anything at the moment due to the amount of shock that he’s under.
The world knows he’s asexual. The world - the same world that always thought of the great Iron Man to be a renowned playboy - knows that’s he’s been living a lie for decades. His biggest secret is finally out.
He doesn’t realize how much his grip has tightened on his kid or that said kid now has his arms wrapped around him.
The room grows silent. Tony knows his wife and kid are waiting for him to say something but he doesn’t have a damn clue what.
What does one say to that? How does one respond after finding out they’ve been outed?
So Tony does the first coherent thing his mind thinks of.
He releases his grip on both of his loved ones and downs his coffee.
Pepper raises an eyebrow, “Tony, what the hell?”
The genius ignores the burn in his chest as he puts down the mug and puts his head in his hands, “How?”
The businesswoman is hesitant for a moment before she answers, “Um...there’s a video.”
Tony jerks his head up, “What?! What video could possibly exist that could out me?”
Peter speaks up ashamedly, “Mr. Stark?”
The mechanic looks at his kid and everything clicks.
No, he is not talking about the conversation from yesterday, no fucking way.
The kid quickly starts apologizing again, “I’m so sorry, I was so stupid, I shouldn’t’ve asked -”
Tony gently shushes him and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder, “Hey, hey, none of this is your fault, don’t think like that.” He then turns to Pepper, “What all was filmed?”
The woman takes a few seconds to look for it on her phone and when she does, she tentatively props it up by the pop socket and shows them the video.
“I don’t care how stupid it is, people don’t ask other people if their wives watch porn or not. C’mon, kiddo, what gives?”
Whoever filmed this was clearly sitting in the booth behind Peter because Tony can see himself through the crack between the upright booth boards. The kid is only shown from the back and fortunately, only an occasional elbow can be seen. The quality isn’t high-definition by any means but it isn’t bad quality either.
So the man can see and hear himself damn near perfectly.
The older hero puts his hand on his forehead in astonishment as he watches the remainder of the video. The rest of that private conversation was filmed, they can see the exchange right in front of their eyes. Neither one ever said the word “asexual” outright, but it is heavily implied, meaning that there is no possible way that he or anyone can talk around this.
How in the world did they not notice?
Another thought hits Tony: if someone fucking filmed that, then that means -
“They outed Peter, as well.”
Peter hastily says, “It’s okay, Mr. Stark -”
“No, it’s not, I said your name.”
“There’s tons of kids named ‘Peter’, and they don’t know what I look like, it’s fine.”
“But there are people who know you’re my ‘intern.’ And kids at your school are gonna know, Pete.”
Tony can tell that Peter has already thought about that. The kid bites his lip and says tentatively, “Yeah, but I can handle a few kids, I’m more worried about you.” He turns to Pepper, “What’s gonna happen to Mr. Stark?”
The older man also turns to his wife, “Yeah, Pep, what’s gonna happen to Mr. Stark?”
Pepper half-smiles at the light humor, “Honestly, I think we should stare this down, just hold a press conference and confirm it.”
The mechanic drops his hand from his face, “But Pep -”
“Babe, I know it’s scary but you can’t beat around the bush on this one, they kinda caught you red-handed. You don’t need to come up with a long speech or anything, but I think being upfront with it will be better for you than going silent and dragging on the inevitable.”
Tony sighs, “But it’s none of their business -”
“You know that and I know that but we also know that no one’s gonna shut up about this until you say something.”
Peter then softly says, “I can come with you if you want.”
The man looks down at his kid, “I don’t want people seeing you, though.”
“They won’t, I’ll be backstage, I can say my name is like ‘Bob’ or something.”
Both adults chuckle at that before Pepper confirms, “Sounds good to me. By the way, the answer is ‘no.’”
The two heroes look at her in confusion so she elaborates, “I don’t watch porn, never understood the appeal.” She concludes her statement with a wink, making the teenager’s cheeks turn beet red.
Peter responds as he’s staring at the table, “Sorry.”
“Already forgotten, sweetie.” Pepper turns to her pleasantly surprised husband, “So, what d’ya say, Iron Man?”
Tony rolls his eyes as he grabs ahold of his protege’s shoulder again, “I say...let’s get this shit over with.”
-
That afternoon, the hero finds himself standing behind a podium, facing dozens of faces, camera flashes, and microphones. Despite the anxiety, he tunes out all the noise just like he’s done for decades. He takes a sideways glance and beams at seeing his loved ones supporting him from backstage. He can do this, he says to himself, he can absolutely do this.
When security calms the audience down, Tony starts, “So, there’s been a lot of talk about me, huh? Well, there’s always talk about me, but this time, it actually caught my attention.” He smirks as he hears question upon question, the most popular one being:
“Is it true? Are you really asexual?”
The man continues, “I know what you’re thinking, I know exactly what you’re all thinking ‘cuz if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be up here. So I thought that it might be best to just go ahead and remove all doubt.”
For the first time ever, the crowd grows quiet.
Tony takes a deep breath and continues once more, “You’ve all seen the video, there’s no point in explaining it, so I’ll just say this: that burger was fantastic.”
The man smirks as he sees journalists’ faces turn from excited to confused. Before any outcry starts up, he says, “They cooked it a perfect medium, nice and juicy, bacon was crispy, homemade fries, guys. Seriously, check out ‘Chubbie’s Burger Barn’, they will not disappoint.”
The crowd is still staring at him in disbelief. The genius takes another glance at backstage and sees his wife with a similar expression on her face, but his intern is covering his mouth to refrain from laughing.
Taking advantage of the confusion among the crowd, Tony then says matter-of-factly, “Oh and by the way, I’m asexual, and anyone who’s got a problem with that can suck my dick, pun absolutely intended.” He puts on his sunglasses before saying one last thing, “Y’know us aces, we love our puns.” And with a peace sign, he exits the platform, ignoring the intensifying roar of the audience.
He meets his wife and kid backstage and gives Pepper a peck on the cheek. He takes off his sunglasses before she envelopes him in a hug and says, “I should’ve known it wouldn’t be PG.”
Tony reciprocates the hug, “Didya like it?”
The woman sighs, “It was very...you, so I guess I can’t ask for anything better.”
The hero smiles fully and lets go of the embrace. He then turns to the kid and ruffles his hair, “You hungry?”
“Always.”
Tony wraps an arm around the teen, “Good. Probably shouldn’t go back to Chubbie’s though, huh?”
“Probably not but you didn’t tell them about that one place that has good hot dogs.”
The mechanic hums in agreeance, “Good point.”
So the older man walks his loved ones to his car and they go get hot dogs.
The clock doesn’t stop ticking.
Their hearts don’t stop beating.
It’s not the end of the world, Tony realizes.
It’s all gonna be okay.