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Since learning about the truth of the Source, Louis had brushed off any and all attempts to check in on him. The only indication that it had bothered him at all was his initial reaction, and even then, he refused to show his feelings all that openly. Maybe he would have, if Yakumo hadn’t rushed you and Mia out of the room. Or, maybe (probably) not.
Since then, his attempts to carry on as if nothing happened only served to make you more concerned for him— he was awkward, and almost performative. Hardly noticeable, of course, he wasn’t that bad of a liar. But just off enough that, paying enough attention you began to realize that something was wrong.
Louis had always been known to spend his free time reading, but lately you noticed that it was all he was doing. No talking to anyone, no getting up to stretch. He’d sit there for hours, seemingly entranced, but as time went on you realized just how often it was that he was simply staring at a book, not even turning the pages. He even had been falling asleep there, only going back to his room when Yakumo or Davis shook him awake and chided him for overworking.
You knew that he could be introspective, but this was a different level than what you were used to.
It wasn’t until days later that you found yourself in the perfect storm. Yakumo and Mia had left to go collect blood beads. Coco and Davis had left in the morning, each busy with their own jobs. Rin had holed herself up in her workshop with Io, claiming that she wanted to find a new weapon for her. The only other person around home base was Louis himself.
Despite that, the two of you had hardly spoken all morning.
Not that you had done much to help in that regard. You had hardly even said good morning, and he seemed perfectly content to sit at his desk and spend his time as he had been.
And that was how you ended up seated at the bar, stealing glances at him every now and then. You kept up the appearance of being busy, trying to find something, anything to write about in your field notebook, but in the end your mind kept drifting back to Louis.
You chanced another look over towards him, only to notice that he was no longer at his desk.
“Something up?”
You weren’t sure when he had gotten up, but suddenly he was leaning against the bar on her other side, and you nearly jumped out of your skin in surprise.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He said that, but laughed all the same at your reaction as he took a seat next to you. “You’ve seemed distracted all day. I could lend an ear, if you need it.”
It was so infuriatingly like him to offer that, when he had spent the past days refusing to allow anyone to help him in the same way. He always, always put his friends need’s above his own, and sometimes you wonder how long he can keep it up before burning himself out. If he hadn’t already, that is.
Still, you had found a way in to this conversation, and you weren’t about to let it pass you by. With a sigh, you turned to face him a bit more, “To be frank, Louis, I’ve been worried about you lately.”
“We’ve been over this—there’s nothing going on that you need to worry about.” He brushes you off, smiling, of course, because he always was when you had this conversation.
He moves as if to leave, and you grab onto his hand for just a moment. It’s enough to make him pause, looking between your face and your hand. “I know, you keep saying that. And I can’t make you talk about it if you really don’t want to, but… We’re friends, right?”
“Of course we are.” Louis settles back into his seat, though you note that he pulls his hand away when he does.
“Then why won’t you tell me anything? Or anyone else, for that matter? Yakumo’s been worried sick, too, you know.”
He looked, for once, a little sheepish. Maybe even embarrassed. For all his distance, you knew that the last thing he wanted was to drag his friends down.
“I… Really, we all put enough pressure on you, the last thing I want is to bother you with my personal problems.”
“You wouldn’t be bothering me. I want to help however I can.”
He doesn’t say anything to that, shifting uncomfortably in his seat instead. But, at the same time, he doesn’t make a move to leave, and you’ll consider that a win for now.
For all his talk about putting things on you, it’s obvious to you that he’s been working just as hard. After all, he was the one who had been guiding you the whole time, supporting you when you so desperately needed it. He had been doing it for long before you showed up, too.
If he wouldn’t talk about it now, when his goal had come to such a grim conclusion, you doubted he had ever talked about his “personal problems”.
So you wait. And you let Louis take the time he needs to gather his thoughts.
He sighs suddenly, avoiding your gaze. “I just still can’t believe what happened to her. My sister, I mean.”
You’re surprised that he’s actually opened up without too much of a fuss, but you wonder if maybe it’s just because no one ever seems to encourage him much about this sort of thing. Maybe he just needed someone to (gently) push him, just a bit.
“You already know, I think— that I’m a third generation revenant. I didn’t wake up until after the Queen had already died… The entire time I’ve been a revenant, she’s been down there. I never got to see her again after we died.” He’s talking more to the bar than he is to you, fidgeting with his hands as if he doesn’t know what to do with them.
“You died together…?”
He shrugs, finally looking back up at you. “Well, I suppose she died first. But we both died in the Queen’s initial rampage, yes.”
You nod, not quite sure how else to respond.
He doesn’t seem to notice, instead turning back into himself and jumping to another train of thought. “According to what I could find, all she did after reviving as a revenant was work to help take down the Queen, and then… Vanished without a trace. Now I know that she agreed to a life of torment, sacrificing herself for… what? A future she’ll never see? She’s keeping everyone else alive and knew what that meant for herself… Knew that it couldn’t even last. But that’s like her, I suppose.”
“I guess I was just hoping all this time that I’d find her safe, somewhere out there…” The corner of Louis’ mouth twitched up for a moment. “At least she had Aurora protecting her.”
Without thinking you nod, and hum in agreement. “Karen… always was a self-sacrificing one, wasn’t she?” and you are too.
“You knew her? Have you remembered something, then?”
Oops. For a moment, you had forgotten it hadn’t come up yet— what you found in the Cathedral.
It was a bit too late to backpedal, though. At least, not now, while he looked so earnest. “I did. That vestige we found, in the middle of the Cathedral was one of mine.”
“I suspected as much. You’re not usually so vague about what you see.” He nods slowly, mulling over it a bit. “You don’t have to tell me, if you’d rather keep it to yourself.”
“No, no. You should know, I think.” You wave him off before shifting in your seat a bit. Despite your words, you had no idea where to even start. You had been ruminating on how to tell him since it happened, but maybe this was the best way. Spontaneously, without thinking too much on it.
“Karen and I were friends, back then. Not that close, mind you, but she had asked me once if I would help her on some work after things settled down...She talked about you sometimes, come to think of it. Always so worried that you hadn’t woken up yet.” You nudge Louis slightly, getting a small smile out of him. “The last time I saw her was… Well, right before operation Queenslayer ended.”
When you killed the Queen.
Cruz.
His friend.
When you had first come back to after the dive into your own memories, Louis had been there waiting, patient but worried, and you were suddenly glad that this vestige had only played for you. You didn’t have it in yourself to tell him what happened back then— it wasn’t the time nor the place to have that conversation. That’s what you told yourself.
If you were being honest, though, you were just scared that he would hate you for the role you had in all this. It wasn’t like you had discussed Cruz all that much— only in passing, when you had first viewed his memories surrounding her. You had no idea, really, how he felt about her. Then, or now.
“You were involved, then?” He didn’t sound upset; quite the opposite, really. He seemed excited, curious in a way that only he ever was.
You stay quiet for a moment, weighing your options. But in the end, what else could you tell him? No, it was better to just be blunt. “I’m the one who… killed the Queen. I’m sorry.”
Louis stays quiet at first, and you can feel his eyes on you, but you can’t bring yourself to meet his gaze.
“If anyone should apologize, it’s me. I should have been the one to stop her back then. Thank you for finishing things for me.” That makes you look at him, though. He never showed much emotion in his face, so you’re more than a little taken aback by how sad he looks in this moment.
“You don’t have to hold back for my sake, you know. If you’re upset with me, that’s fine.” Your voice breaks a little, and you reach out tentatively before yanking your hand back at the last moment. Now wasn’t the time for that.
“No, no, I’m not upset. I mean it when I say that I should apologize.” He sounds so genuine that your heart breaks a bit. “You saw my memories— Cruz never wanted what happened. She asked me to stop her before she frenzied and I… I froze up. If I hadn’t been so weak back then, none of this would have happened.”
“You weren’t weak, Louis. You couldn’t have known what would happen. And even if you did… It shouldn’t have been on you to stop it. You weren’t the one that did that to her.”
“Maybe not, but I never helped her either.”
“You were there for her though— what more could you have done?”
“Killed her, like she wanted.”
“Don’t you realize you shouldn’t have been asked to do that in the first place?”
Louis just looks at you for a moment, brow furrowed, and you take the chance to go on. “I can’t pretend to know what she was going through. And I don’t think that she was wrong to have asked you for help, but… don’t you think it’s kind of messed up that you had to make that choice at all? If anything, shouldn’t you be mad at the people who did that to her?”
His expression changes on a dime, and this is probably the most upset you’ve seen him. Or, at least, the most upset he’s been with you. He doesn’t look at you coldly, though, like you’ve seen him look at others. Instead he looks downright distressed, as if he might cry at any moment. “Of course I’m mad— I’m furious! But their failure doesn’t negate my own.”
“You can’t fail at something that shouldn’t have been your responsibility in the first place.” You say.
He still looks upset, but takes a breath before he speaks again.“Why are you so convinced that this isn’t my fault?”
In the back of your mind, you wonder the same. For all you know, he could have other things he was hiding, or had forgotten about. Things that you had no idea about— potentially horrible things. Maybe this wasn’t just survivors guilt, but some sort of genuine feelings of remorse for something he had done.
But something in you says to believe in the man that’s in front of you, and you’ve decided to listen to it.
“Because I’ve seen what happened. You know that Cruz didn’t want this, and I know that you didn’t either. If you can accept that this isn’t her fault, how can you not see that it isn’t yours either?” Slowly, you reach out and grab his hand again, clenched and trembling, just slightly. “Things could have turned out different if you did it— or they could have just ended up the same. You can’t live your life pondering what if’s… You have to forgive yourself.”
“Why are you so… kind to me?” He smiles just a bit, but still looks more sad than anything. “I don’t deserve it.”
You smile back, hoping to coax him out of his shell just a bit more. Maybe get him to let the tears fall, for once. “Of course you do. All you ever do is look out for other people… Let me look out for you, okay?”
Louis looks from your intertwined hands, to your face, before suddenly turning quickly away. Not quick enough that you couldn’t notice the blush creeping onto his face, though.
“Right… Only if you’ll let me keep supporting you, though.” He turns back to you, wiping at his eyes. You haven’t quite gotten there with him yet, it seems, but you’re okay with that.
You squeeze his hand ever so slightly. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
The two of you sit there for a moment, comfortable in the silence. It isn’t until Louis glances back down at your hands do you even realize that you’re still holding onto him— quickly, you let him go with a shaky laugh.
“Ah, sorry, I got a bit carried away.” You laugh.
For just a moment, he looks disappointed, his gaze lingering on your hand, before he brings himself to look you in the eye again. It’s the most vulnerable you’ve seen him look, still upset from your conversation, but not as angry as you were worried he might be.
“I… Appreciate this. Really” His hand ghosts back over yours, but he doesn’t move to hold it. “There’s a lot I wish I could say but… Do you mind if we put a pin in this, for now?”
As he says this, you hear the front door creaking open, and Yakumo calling out that him and Mia were back safe and sound. You couldn’t tell if it was perfect or horrible timing.
You give him a small smile. “Anytime you need me, I’m here.”
Louis smiles back, and you think to yourself that he looks so warm in this moment.