Chapter Text
Arisa Ichigaya sat out on the terrace of Ryuseido, admiring the stars in the sky.
Or, she had at least tried to.
She knew from the summer nights that dozens of them sparkled brightly in the distance, and that she was disappointed from autumn’s offering of storm clouds was the understatement of the century. Arisa’s fascination with the night sky had been a recent phenomenon - for just recently had she started to feel comforted by the world above her. And just like those stars, she felt as if her sense of reality, too, was clouded by something. A fog that swept across her mind and made her unable to think properly, systematically, logically.
She sighed to herself as the fog continued to drift slowly across her vision in waves, the way that the weight of her negativity carefully buried a hole inside of her. Every inch of her consciousness was yelling at her to be doing something more productive such as her homework, or cleaning her room, or even tending to her bonsai. Anything to keep distracted from the impending sense of gloom.
Arisa had gotten used to the feeling - it came and went as it pleased, sometimes occupying more space within herself than she was comfortable with. But most often it was subdued, a meek voice that merely sat within the corner of her brain that only piped up when absolutely necessary. It didn’t stop her from helping her grandmother around the house, nor did it impact her test scores too much. What it did hold her back from, however, was connecting with her peers. The young blonde had grown up recognized as “The Gifted Child” after all - an act that she’d soon would realize would distance her from social interactions and making any sort of friendships with her elementary school friends. Loneliness from close interactions with girls her age soon turned to numbness, which ultimately evolved into this very shapeless, nameless fog that never left.
The troubled girl still didn’t understand, though. Logically, things were looking up at her end. This past year was the best year she ever had, and the fog had not been so prominent since she had joined Poppin’ Party. Within just that short amount of time, she had witnessed so many occasions of being able to break free from her shyness, and felt more and more comfortable opening up in the presence of her best friends. Poppin’ Party had transformed from a “not bad” pastime to something she now openly accepted as a true blessing. One day she swore she would be able to express this passion to her members directly: to tell Saaya that she was thankful for her friendly nature and well-meaning advice, to tell Rimi that she appreciated her positivity and kindness, to tell Tae that her jokes were actually the funniest she’s ever heard, to tell Kasumi-
A lump formed in her throat.
To...tell...Kasumi…
She shut her eyes, feeling her heartbeat increase. She wanted to tell Kasumi everything - in fact, there was almost too much to tell her. But at the same time she didn’t want to talk to her at all, and wondered if life would’ve been simpler if she had never even met her.
Arisa couldn’t comprehend how the overly energetic singer went from being a nuisance to the person she cared about the absolute most. She didn’t understand how her own outlook and demeanor instantly became brighter in the brunette’s presence. She simply could not fathom with the jealousy that grew within her when she saw her interacting closely with someone who wasn’t in the band, or how much harder it had become to focus on her day-to-day tasks when she wasn’t around to give her that motivation boost. It had all happened so slowly, yet so suddenly at the same time. She had spent days wishing away on the stars in the night sky that this turmoil inside her would dissipate. But with each wish the sky became darker, her thoughts louder, and feelings stronger, much to her discontent. Feeling like a child again, Arisa wondered if perhaps the loneliness had never left to begin with. But she knew that this time, the way it returned was one of unfamiliarity, thus she had no idea how to solve it. No intensive studying nor careful bonsai trimming would be able to take her mind off of this case.
“Overthinking’s a bitch” she thought to herself as she took a few deep breaths to herself. It’d be fine, she would always say. Eventually the night would grow longer and she’d be too sleepy to even think about the issue at hand. It normally took about only 5, concentrated, calm and collected deep breaths to keep her at bay away from the spiral she fell down. She took a sip of water from the bottle she kept with her, and tried to tune into the peaceful surroundings that accompanied her. She had learned from her grandmother the practice of observing one’s subconscious thoughts as they slipped past, without spending too long on trying to analyze them. She wasn’t that great at it, but had recently started to recognize the necessity.
She started counting.
5.
I’m feeling lonely again. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s normal. But there’s something else to it.
4.
It...involves Kasumi. It's not just a matter of me and my lonesome self, and I should probably talk to her about it.
3.
But... I really don’t want to talk to Kasumi about it... everything is so unfamiliar, not to mention embarrassing...
2.
No, no - get yourself together, Arisa. You have to tell her! There's no other way around it, so no negotiating. Be honest with yourself!
1.
You have to tell Kasumi because........ the truth is….......... you’re in love with-
“ARISAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!”
“h-HUH????”
The blonde-haired girl opened her eyes to find her best friend standing in front of her with a large grin on her face.
“K-Kasumi?? It’s nearly midnight!! What the hell are you doing here so late? Shouldn’t you be asleep??” Arisa demanded, feeling all of the almost let-go anxieties resurfacing within her again.
So much for meditating.
“There’s no school tomorrow, so I wanted to surprise you! I was hoping we could look up at the night sky and count the stars together!” Kasumi excitedly yelled, jumping in place. Arisa quickly turned away, hoping she wouldn’t see the bright red that had formed upon her face.
Ah, of course. Who else would I have gotten the stargazing habit from?
Not to mention that her friend was so kind - almost too kind - enough to want to spend the cold, cloudy, gloomy night here with her: an insecure, socially-awkward, anxious mess who couldn’t even say a three-word-sentence coherently.
“T-that’s uh… I wish you had told me…” Arisa could barely let out a squeak.
“O-oh… did you not want to? I’m… sorry...” Kasumi responded with a downtrodden expression, her voice quieting down after she noticed how Arisa turned away from her. Arisa quickly understood the misinterpretation and cursed at herself silently.
“N-no it’s not that...it’s j-just…” She stammered, her throat throbbing with emotional turmoil that she still didn’t know how to openly express. She stopped trying to speak up and redirected her gaze towards the ground.
“A-arisa…?” Kasumi asked, her voice gentle with concern. Arisa noticed that the more Kasumi hung out with her, she quicker she was able to detect when Arisa was feeling down or upset. A part of her was thankful for not needing to say anything to get the girl to worry about her, but a part of her wished she could just lie and say she was fine.
“I- I’m good, Kasumi. Really.” She stated, though she no longer knew if she was convincing her concerned friend or herself.
“Oh, I see. ...Do you need some time to be alone?”
Arisa stopped. The question had caught her off guard, as normally this sort of situation would be the cue where Kasumi would go and sit next to her. Sometimes she would even hug her until she defensively yelled for her to not squeeze so tightly.
The answer was no, of course. More time spent alone would mean more time obsessing over the situation, feeling lonely and detached. She desperately wanted her friend to stay - to tell her and get it over with.
Yet, she couldn’t bring herself to say anything in response. She stared ahead blankly.
“Arisa...can I be honest with you? I...want to ask you a few things,” Kasumi politely asked, her voice the quietest she had ever heard it. The unfamiliar change of attitude continued to stun Arisa, who could only nod slowly in response.
“Do you enjoy being around me?”
Arisa blinked. Was the sky blue? Did she have to drink water to survive? What kind of question was that?
Yet, the words that came out of her mouth were:
“I-it’s not bad... I guess…”
But that was the sort of usual game between the two of them. It had started off as a habit of Arisa’s to hide her feelings, but Kasumi often picked it up with some sort of tease. Back then she had seen it as something obnoxious, but now she found herself desperately hoping Kasumi would pick up on the cue.
“O-oh...I see…”
She...didn’t?
Arisa knew immediately something was up. It wasn’t like Kasumi to suddenly respond so...unsurely. Yet, she was too stunned and overwhelmed herself to even try and think of remedies.
“Arisa, have you ever thought I was...annoying? Or a burden?”
What?
No!
Of course not!
Again with these sorts of questions! Yeah, maybe they would’ve been polite to ask back when they didn’t know each other - back when Kasumi broke into Ryuseido for the first time. But they were past that now, weren’t they?
“You’re just Kasumi ,” Arisa attempted a snarky remark in hopes to lighten the mood and get back to their usual banter. But Kasumi just continued to stare at her.
“Is that ‘Kasumi’ someone you actually… care about?”
Arisa felt like her heart was about to burst. Of course she cared. More than anything else in the world. Yet her mouth couldn’t seem to even mouth the words.
“D-don’t be ridiculous…” Arisa stammered, ashamedly falling back into one of her old defensive mechanisms.
However it was only after she realized her friend’s eyes welling up that she understood how much of a mistake she made.
“W-wait Kasumi I-”
“Would it kill you to be honest, Arisa? If you didn’t even care about me...this whole time...why would you have joined Poppin’ Party?” She started, her voice shaking and getting louder with each word. Arisa’s eyes widened, immediately realizing the misinterpretation.
“Kasumi! I swear, I didn’t mean it like-”
“Then what do you mean? Do you know how confusing it is? How I, your best friend, don’t ever know what you’re trying to say?” She cried, as she took a step away. Arisa rose from her seat and ran over to her, only for Kasumi to crouch down in the other direction.
“Kasumi, I-”
“You know, sometimes you express your love. You do it in a small voice but that’s what reassures me that you care. That my instincts were right in pointing me towards that Random Star because we both had a dream that was Poppin’ Party. That you and I? Rimi, Tae, and Saaya too? We started something wonderful together. That we were all searching for that heart-pounding, sparkling feeling together. Not just within the music...but within our friendship.”
Arisa continued to stay silent.
Of course. I feel the exact same way… I love being with everyone, and I love Poppin’ Party….
“But, you know...it’s in moments like this. Sometimes I get really nervous that I screwed up. That maybe you really didn’t want to join. That I pushed you into it and you don’t actually want to be a part of it-”
“-Of course that’s not true, you idiot!” Arisa yelled out, unable to control herself. She immediately felt ashamed at herself for being so impulsive and harsh in her delivery. However, Kasumi didn’t immediately cry or yell back at the response. Kasumi had exhaled few times, staying silent. Arisa hoped that she had taken the hint that yes, she absolutely wanted to be a member of the band and Kasumi’s friend.
“Yeah, an idiot...I really am. Thinking it’d be a good idea to come over here so late. Getting you all worried about nothing...haha…” Kasumi muttered to herself before standing up straight. She turned to Arisa with a weak smile on her face. Arisa’s eyebrows furrowed.
“Listen, I’m sorry for bothering you. That wasn’t very nice of me,” Her friend stated slowly. She turned her gaze towards the ground, shaking her head before making eye contact with Arisa.
“I think I’m just... going to head home-”
“No!” Arisa yelled impulsively, surprised by her sudden energy to respond.
Kasumi’s eyebrows rose, clearly taken aback.
“Y-you’re not bothering me… at least … no more than you normally do,” Arisa started, suddenly aware of her blood circulation. Every feeling was bursting within her and she knew she couldn’t afford to put up her walls anymore.
Not if she was going to protect this friendship.
Not if she was going to protect what was important to her.
“I know why you came, actually. Today’s the anniversary of when we met. In this exact location, right outside of the Ryuseido,” Arisa noted, as she had slowly started to put the pieces together when she was meditating. Kasumi nodded, signaling that Arisa had gotten it correct.
“We’d watch the stars together because they’d remind you of the little star stickers that led you here in the first place. Because for you, any star in any context is enough to make your heart flutter.”
Kasumi’s mouth twitched just a small amount.
“I know, it’s a bit silly, isn’t it?”
“Not at all. It’s important to you. And as long as it is, you should never try to push it off as ‘something silly’ just because I or someone else doesn’t fully understand. How do you think Tae would feel if you called her rabbits ‘silly’?”
Arisa felt immense relief rush through her when she heard Kasumi laughing.
“O-Tae would not be very happy with that!”
“Right? She’d probably be like ‘first of all, how dare you?’”
And thus the two of them were set into their own small laughter fit trying to imagine the situation, the mood slowly unfurling back into their normal banter. Kasumi wiped a tear from her eye.
“Wow, Arisa. To think that you’ve grown from being jealous of me spending time with Tae to knowing exactly how to impersonate her.”
Jealous .
The incident Kasumi had brought into question may have been months ago, but it still stung Arisa nonetheless. The negative emotions from earlier flooded back into her chest, reminding her of her unsettled business.
She knew she could have let that moment pass. To have just ignored the comment and moved onto the next topic without addressing fully how it had made her feel.
But she had already come so close to risking so much, and she was granted now with the near perfect opportunity to come clean, which she may never get again.
She closed her eyes, inhaling deeply.
It was time to tell the truth.
“Yeah uh… Kasumi… about that,” She started, twiddling her fingers nervously and subconsciously avoiding eye contact.
“Hm? About Tae?”
“No...uh… when you had mentioned ‘jealousy’, it… reminded me of something.”
“...Oh? I wonder what that might be...”
Arisa motioned for Kasumi to come over with her and sit out on the steps, not wanting to risk her knees buckling beneath her as she spilled her guts.
“Listen, Kasumi you were right when you said that I need to be more honest-”
“Oh, Arisa I only said that out of frustration-”
“No, you were holding me accountable. I needed it,” Arisa replied sternly, making sure to look her friend in the eye. Kasumi blinked once before nodding in understanding.
“I think...I may have told you once before, but I never really had friends before Poppin’ Party,” She started, reflecting on everything she had pondered over prior to the guitarist’s arrival.
“As a result, it’s made it difficult to express myself the way I want to. Sometimes I really want to say something nice and genuine, even if I know it may be embarrassing. But then I have this sense of shame - that someone’s going to laugh at me… or not want to be my friend… or think I’m being too sensitive and I just... close up. Yell something weird instead and hope that the other person will just forget about it all.”
“Lately...I’ve started to think that my true feelings are just like those stars in the sky tonight. They should be shining - sparkling with that heart-pounding feeling - but they’re hidden behind the clouds. Clouds of insecurity, fear, perfectionism...jealousy, even.”
She quickly turned to Kasumi, expecting her to ask a question or say that she was being “too metaphorical”. Or perhaps she simply didn’t understand something. But Kasumi remained silent, letting Arisa talk as much as she wished.
“Those negative feelings… they’ve just… stuck with me for a while now. I don’t have much control over them and some days are better than others, but it also makes certain things really, really difficult for me. Yeah, I can help my grandmother cook dinner. I can do my schoolwork. I can attend PoPiPa band practice and just about anything in my daily routine.” She paused, surprised at how easily she was able to spill these deep thoughts, to whom she had never told anyone else before.
“Yet… I can’t even tell someone… I have f-feelings for them…”
She paused, hoping Kasumi would maybe ask her questions from there on out so that she wouldn’t have to exhaust herself anymore than she already has.
“O-oh! You have… feelings for someone?” She questioned, her facial expression one of curiosity and innocence. All Arisa could do was nod meekly.
“...What do you mean by that?”
Oh GOD .
Arisa inhaled, desperately racking her brain for how she could possibly explain it to poor naive Kasumi.
“...Remember when we were talking about your love for stars? For Poppin’ Party? That heart-pounding, sparkling one? It’s like that but… for one person in particular. And it’s stronger.”
Arisa’s own heart began to quicken, knowing what was coming next.
“O-oh! I know exactly what you mean!” Kasumi replied, her eyes widening as she made the connection. Arisa stopped, panicked that maybe the girl she was about to confess to had her eyes set on someone else.
“Y-you do?”
“Yeah!”
Arisa was surprised when Kasumi didn’t ask her who she was referring to in particular. But then she remembered that even Kasumi, queen of invading personal space, knew that sometimes it was better to respect boundaries.
That alone, strangely gave her the push she needed.
“Kasumi.”
“Yeah?”
Arisa made sure she was looking her friend directly in the eyes.
No screwing this up! No screwing this up!
Play it cool!
Remember the manga you’ve read!
Arisa didn’t bother to entertain the possibility of the feeling not being mutual, for she was too impatient to say the words.
“The truth is… the person I have feelings for… my star…” She trailed off, attempting to gaze into the pair of sparkling purple eyes before her. She then felt her cheeks grow hot and couldn’t help but redirect her focus towards the ground.
“Is… you.”
I...did it.
Oh god.
I actually… did it.
Arisa slowly turned back to face Kasumi, carefully observing the facial expression of her friend. She amusedly looked onward as it shifted from confusion to epiphany to shock to eventually, joy. Kasumi didn’t hesitate to wrap Arisa into a hug and for once, the blonde felt no need to protest. The brunette began sobbing again, but this time the tears were tears of joy.
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
“Easy there, waterworks.”
“I can’t believe you called me your star!!!! I wanted to tell you that first!!!”
“Yeah well, I beat you to the punch so SUCK IT”
“ARISAAAAWAWAWAWAWAWAAWAWA”
Arisa couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of the situation, which only made Kasumi cry even harder.
“You are like a little baby sometimes, Kasumi.”
That comment in particular got her to stop crying, to which she pulled away from the hug, grinned, and replied “it’s part of my charm!” Arisa rolled her eyes at that phrase, but deep down appreciated it and… just about everything else. A sense of warmth grew within her heart, alongside one of familiarity as well as newborn relief.
But what made her the happiest was the absence of loneliness.
The two of them exchanged smiles before both turning to look at the sky. Kasumi pointed her finger upwards and shouted in excitement, as she noted that the cloudy spell had broken, unveiling a barren sky full of large, shimmering stars. Arisa grinned, understanding that now not only had her soul mirrored the sky, but the sky could too, mirror her soul.
As they admired the stars together, Arisa suddenly remembered something Kasumi had said earlier.
“Hey, Kasumi.”
“Yeah?”
“Out of curiosity… you said that you also wanted to confess … were you thinking of a particular time or…?”
Kasumi scratched the back of her head.
“That’s uh… part of the whole reason I came here?”
It was now Arisa’s turn to change her facial expression multiple times within a short timespan.
“ Get. out.”
“I’m serious!!! I couldn’t sleep because I knew it was our anniversary and there were no stars in the sky to calm me down so…”
“Yes, but can you imagine if we both didn’t have our little meltdowns first? How much easier would that have been???”
And the two were sent back into hysterics thinking about the stress they went to just to get to the peace that they were at now.
“Fine. The next time we have to confess, I’m just going to tell you directly. Does that sound like a deal?” Kasumi asked singsongedly, to which Arisa shook her head laughing.
“You say that as if there’s another confession to make.”
“Well, there is!”
Arisa raised an eyebrow, confused at what the girl was implying.
“I want you to be my girlfriend!” Kasumi shouted, pumping her fists together. She grinned.
“See?”
“Good god Kasumi I thought that was implied.”
“No harm in clarifying, right?”
Arisa chuckled, nodding her head. What she didn’t tell Kasumi was that hearing the words “my girlfriend” and knowing that they were referring to her made her feel like the luckiest person on the planet.
Shortly thereafter, Arisa felt Kasumi’s head plop onto on her lap, and stared at her facial expression up close. She noticed the girl’s eyelids flutter and mouth yawn, indicating a sign of exhaustion. Noting her own uncomfortable positioning, Arisa considered asking her to go fall asleep somewhere more comfortable. But knowing that it was too late for the girl to head home and that they had both been so exhausted by everything that had happened, she decided to let it pass - just this time, at least.
“Good night, Arisa~” Kasumi murmured, her voice a quiet, whisper-like pitch. Her eyelids closed shut, a small but peaceful smile resting itself upon her expression.
“Sleep tight, Kasumi,” Arisa chimed, patting her girlfriend’s head gently until she heard the soft sounds of deep sleep breaths.