Work Text:
Hanging
Xie Lian had never thought about death, not his own at the very least. He used to live a good life, up until the war. He had a loving mother and the citizens of Xian Le loved him as well. He was lucky to be born into the royal family and he was able to live his life in the best way he could imagine.
When he said he’d protect the common people, when he told himself he’d protect the people important to him, everyone believed him.
But fate had other plans for him.
Seeing his parents hanging limply from the ceiling of the little cottage, death had really sounded like the best thing that could happen to him.
He reached out and picked up a part of the silk, tying it around his neck and kicking the chair away.
As he felt the silk tighten around his neck his body started to react immediately. His legs kicked wildly searching for anything he could stand on, his hands clawing at the silk around his neck. He felt his lungs burning as he ran out of air. His vision blurred as tears started to glide down his cheeks. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, please someone make it stop, make the pain stop, please!
Dark spots danced around his vision, his struggling becoming weaker the longer he hung there. His hands fell limply to his sides, the skin tingling and becoming darker as the leftover oxygen in his body disappears gradually.
Xie Lian took in gasping breaths, a result of his body trying to stay alive. As his struggling came to a complete stop, Xie Lian felt the silk loosening as the world around him faded to black. Death had finally come to get him and Xie Lian felt grateful for the first time in a long while.
His eyes opened slowly, his head pounding and his throat feeling too dry and scratchy. He lifted a hand to his neck and felt the silk wrapped loosely around him. He felt the silk shiver as if it was crying. His gaze swept over to his left and a stray tear slid down his cheek. He was alive, but his parents were gone. I couldn’t follow them, I couldn’t save them. I couldn’t save anyone.
The silk around his neck moved and Xie Lian’s breathing stuttered slightly at the feeling, a phantom pain of the silk cutting of his air overcoming him. The silk bandage slid away from him and curled up next to his prone body. One end lifted up and turned in his direction as if looking at him.
Xie Lian lifted a hand and held it out. The silk bandage nuzzled into it before wrapping around Xie Lian’s wrist.
Xie Lian dropped his hand and laid there in silence. Maybe the pain would go away on its own.
At least, Xie Lian hoped it would.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drowning
The water felt cold around him the deeper down he went. The boulder tied around his ankle continued to sink lower and lower as Xie Lian held on to a struggling Ruoye. The silk desperately tried to wiggle free and pull the two of them up and out of the freezing lake.
Xie Lian wanted to admonish the spiritual weapon, tell it to stop struggling, this is what I deserve Ruoye, I only bring death and misery wherever I go. Please stop trying to save what is lost already.
But Xie Lian knew the moment he opened his mouth to speak he’d only speed up the process of his death. Xie Lian didn’t deserve a fast and painless death though. He believed he had to atone for everything he’s done by suffering the way he made other people suffer before.
Xie Lian knew he was running out of air but he needed to hold on longer, he couldn’t die yet, he hadn’t suffered enough pain yet. He wrapped Ruoye around his hand, firmly holding onto both ends of the silk and tying them together as best as he could, before reaching back and taking Fang Xin in hand. He knew he couldn’t die by simply stabbing himself, but he knew that the pain would be enough to make him suffer enough to repent.
He thrust the sword through his chest, a silent scream escaping him. He pressed his free hand to his mouth, pulling the sword out briefly before plunging it back in a little lower than before.
Memories flashed before his eyes, the phantom pain of getting stabbed 100 times adding to the pain he felt after stabbing himself twice. He pulled the sword out again, intending to stab himself a third time when he finally ran out of air.
His body constricted and he gasped, sucking in water instead of air. He felt the water rush through his body and into his lungs. The familiarity of his consciousness fading was a very welcome feeling and Xie Lian closed his eyes for hopefully the last time.
Xie Lian can clearly remember his childhood. No matter what he wanted, a single word from him and he got it. He remembers clearly how he begged his mother to bathe him instead of the grumpy old maid that usually did. When Feng Xin and Mu Qing came around he’d stopped asking his mother, instead enjoying his time with his friends (attendants, Xie Lian had to remind himself, they were only ever his attendants. How foolish of him to hope for friendship when all he ever did was hurt others).
A stray tear escaped his eyes as he slowly came to. He was lying in the sand, his feet close enough to the water to feel the ebb and flow of the waves lapping at his legs. His eyes blinked open and he was met with a clear blue sky, clearer than he had seen it in a long time. Ruoye lay beside him, shivering and trembling like a crying toddler.
A drawn out sigh escaped him as he gently pet the silk until its shivering stopped.
--------------------------------------------------
Jumping from height
The wind was blowing all around him. His hair slapping his face wasn’t as bothersome as Xie Lian had thought it would be. He looked down from the cliff he was currently standing on. The drop would kill any normal human. But Xie Lian wasn’t Human, he was immortal, unable to die no matter what he tried. his past attempts had all resulted in the same thing, ugly scars marring his hideous and disgusting body.
He knew no matter what he did, death would not come for him, but he still had to try. Maybe one day, fate would have mercy on him and relieve him from this emptiness he’s feeling. Pain seemed to be the only way he could get even just a little bit of relieve from his never ending suffering.
Ruoye was still wrapped tightly around his wrist, tightening it’s hold from time to time as if to tell him to reconsider. By now Ruoye knew Xie Lian wouldn’t die from this bus it still didn’t want to see its master hurt himself like that.
Xie Lian patted the silk once, twice, three times before he took in a deep breath. He slowly made his way closer to the edge before turning around and letting himself drop down to the rocks.
As he fell his mind wandered back to many years ago. The time where he nearly unleashed the human face disease. He had dropped in a similar fashion, creating a crater in the middle of the street. He remembered how people had avoided him then, taken the long way around the hole and refusing to pull out the sword. He also remembered the man who tripped because of him, rice spilling everywhere. He remembered how the rain had been falling onto his face and how it had stopped when the man placed his bamboo hat on Xie Lian.
Ah… I hope the hat will survive this fall.
Xie Lian hit the ground with a loud bang and closed his eyes. He felt and heard the bones in his body cracking, he felt the stone beneath him crack and give in, creating a crater and making the ground around it tremble. And then he heard and felt nothing as his consciousness once again faded into nothingness.
Maybe this time when he wakes up he’ll feel a little less empty.
------------------------------------------------------
Immolation (suicide by fire)
Once again Xie Lian finds himself on the edge of a cliff, or more precisely, a volcanic crater.
The heat felt unbearable and Xie Lian briefly apologized to Ruoye.
He took one more look down into the crater and decided to unwrap the silk bandage from around him. Once Ruoye was lying limply in his hands he took of his bamboo hat and put both down on the ground. He told the spiritual weapon to keep the hat and itself save before he took the leap into the molten lava river below.
He felt his skin burning even before he hit the lava below. The impact shattered his bones, the volcanic gases burned his lungs as Xie Lian took gasping breaths.
It hurts. It hurts so much.
Xie Lian had suffered many painful deaths (near deaths) but this one was by far the most painful and Xie Lian wished that it would be over soon. His body sank lower into the lava and once again Xie Lian closed his eyes to the suffering of his entire existence.
This time when he woke up, he was surrounded by darkness and heat.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Suffocation
Xie Lian knew he was stuck. Ruoye was still by the volcanic crater where he left it, the heat around him was getting unbearable and he wanted nothing more than break out of this prison he threw himself into.
He struggled to break out of the rock putting more and more force into every punch to the hard surface all around him. He felt dizzy and he blacked out multiple times in his attempts to break free.
Just as he was about to give up his hand broke through the surface and he was able to break free.
He took multiple gasping breaths as tears streamed down his face. The cool tears felt relieving on his burned skin and he couldn’t help the hysterical chuckle that escaped him. He heard rustling and as he looked up he saw Ruoye drop down towards him. He reached out his arm and caught the silk, letting it nuzzle his face as he tried to calm his racing heart.
Never again. He vowed as he saw Ruoye trembling.
-------------------------------
Bonus
Xie Lian had all but forgotten about his multiple attempts to die.
He had suffered so much in his past and even though he still sometimes felt like he needed to repent, he had finally found a reason to survive.
Ruoye lay beside him on the floor in front of the altar, a silver scimitar wrapped in it’s silky embrace. On his own lap lay the head of one particular ghost king, a devastation, his most devoted believer. His San Lang.
He smiled and carded his hands through the ghosts hair. It felt unbelievably soft to the touch and Xie Lian once again wondered how Hua Cheng managed to maintain its softness.
As if he had heard his thoughts, Hua Cheng opened his eye and smiled up at Xie Lian. A feeling of warmth coursed through him, a gentle reminder that he was loved as much as he loves Hua Cheng. Hua Cheng had died three times for Xie Lian, each time returning more powerful.
Xie Lian had tried to die 4 times, and for the first time in 800 years, he was happy he hadn’t been able to die.