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It’s been a week.
Something Barry realizes suddenly in the middle of running. He has been antsy for days, unable to sit still, to calm down, something is bothering him and he can’t put a finger on it. He knows everyone assumes it’s Crisis and his impending death that keeps him running, helping wherever he can, often only returning home in the middle of the night. Iris thinks he’s avoiding her, not wanting to confront his feelings, maybe he is, but he doesn’t think so. No, he just can’t keep still, because something is nagging at him, he just didn’t know what.
Until now.
Just running through the streets in the middle of the night once again, it suddenly occurs to him. Crystal clear.
It has been a week. A week since he’s seen Caitlin. A week where Frost has been around in her stead. A week since he told his friends about Crisis.
Barry stops running in the middle of the street, nearly causing a car to crash behind him, but his legs have just given out. Stunned, he replays the last week in his mind, teaming up with Frost, helping her deal with her mortality, finally telling his friends the truth and yet… no Caitlin. Not that day, nor the next, not with Ramsey, helping Cisco, not any sign of her for a whole week. And once again, he has been so self-involved, it took him this long to figure it out. His jaw tight, he sets out again, running straight to her apartment and knocking on the door. To hell with the middle of the night.
Unsurprisingly, and yet disappointingly, Frost opens the door a few minutes later. Looking very unamused in her fluffy Pj’s.
“What do you want?” she snaps at him.
“Caitlin,” he replies unapologetically, knowing that her bark is worse than her bite. She blinks at him a few times, but then she lets him in. She sits down at the kitchen counter, motioning for him to join her.
“She refuses to come out,” Frost finally admits.
“What do you mean?” Barry wonders taken aback. Frost just looks at him like he’s a bit slow not to get it.
“Since when?” he asks tonelessly.
Frost raises her eyebrows at him. “Since… my birthday party.”
“Damn it, Frost,” Barry grits his teeth, getting up all agitated, “why didn’t you tell me? You should have told me! I didn’t think… just because I didn’t see her… doesn’t mean… not come out all all…” His words trail off, too lost in his own thoughts and guilt. He should have known. Known that something was wrong, he told them he was going to die and no Caitlin. Of course, something was wrong.
Uncharacteristically, Frost does look a little guilty when she replies. “I thought I could handle it. Give her some time.”
“But?”
“But she isn’t responding at all, no answer. I can feel her, I can feel her sadness, her despair, but no reaction.”
Barry runs his hands through his hair, trying to regain control of the situation. He’s furious with Frost. No, furious at himself. A week, Caitlin has been drowning for a week and he was clueless.
“Can she hear me?” he asks suddenly. Frost shakes her head sadly.
“I don’t think so, she’s buried so deep, I don’t think she’s realizing anything that’s going on.” His hands folded around his neck, Barry starts pacing the room. He needs to get her back. But if she doesn’t hear him, if she won’t, can’t come out… He stops.
“If she can’t come out, I’m going in.”
“Are you sure this is a good idea, Barry?” Cisco demands as he’s strapping Frost and Barry into the memory machine.
“It worked fine with Grace and Nora last year,” Barry replies determined.
“Fine might be an overstatement,” Cisco replies with an eye roll, “plus we had Caitlin here to monitor everything and Sherloque who knew how the machine works. On top of it, we have no idea how Frost and Caitlin’s subconsciousnesses in one body will influence things.”
“I know.”
Cisco looks at his friend and realizes that all his concerns are pointless. No matter what, even if he tells Barry that he’ll die by doing this, he’s going to do it. He knows he’s going to die anyway, he’s got very little left to lose. Except Caitlin. So, he will get her back, no matter what. So would Frost. If there was one constant in Frost, it was saving Caitlin. So, Cisco takes a deep breath and flips the switch. Instantly the machine whirs to life and Barry and Frost’s eyes shut close. And now he waits.
Barry feels himself being thrust into a dark place, nothing discernable yet. But he isn’t scared, he knows he’s risking his life, but his life didn’t matter much anymore, except to save everybody from Crisis. But a possibility has occurred to him, that maybe he won’t save everybody by sacrificing himself after all. He had seen all his friends die, except Caitlin. He had seen Frost die and more importantly he had seen Frost survive, but not Caitlin. And no matter what, he can’t choose to sacrifice himself unless he’s certain she will survive as well. So, he would get her back. Had to get her back. Because he knows why she is hiding, and he knows that he is the only one capable of finding her.
“Rooonniiiiieeee!” Her scream cuts through his bones. Slowly, he walks towards her voice, his surroundings becoming clearer with every step. Starlabs, the pipeline, Caitlin clutching a walkie-talkie. “Cait?” No reaction. Just the memory then. Of that fateful day, the night of the particle accelerator explosion, that had changed their lives forever. Just a few blocks away, he was getting struck by lightning, oblivious to her suffering, her existence. There is nothing he can do, the version of Caitlin crumbled to the ground can’t hear, see or feel him, wouldn’t even know him even if she did. He had to find the real Caitlin. Yet, he couldn’t walk away, could only stare, stare at her, at her pain and let it rip him up from the inside.
He can feel the coldness sweeping over her, stretching towards him as well, trying to freeze him in place. She had been alone to deal with Ronnie’s death... The first time. Instantly, his surroundings change and Barry is staring at himself standing in the street holding Caitlin’s shaking body. She has just lost Ronnie again. He can feel her sadness, her grief, but no coldness this time. But this still isn’t the real Caitlin, though these memories must be on her mind, she isn’t here, he had to keep searching.
With great difficulty, Barry takes one step away from the scene, only to be thrust into another. A cemetery, a young Caitlin standing over a casket. Her father’s funeral. She was so young. Barry swallows, trying not to let the emotions pull him under. It’s so dark and cold. And she looks so young. Just like he had. At his mother’s funeral. A warm breeze suddenly flows past him, as the scene changes to a version of Caitlin from only a few months ago. Standing yet again in front of her father’s grave, this time with Barry by her side. She had lost her father once more. She has lost so much. He remembers coming out here with her, letting her grieve and just being there.
“It’s the only thing that has ever helped.”
Barry snaps around to see another Caitlin standing next to him, watching the past versions of themselves put flowers on the grave, Barry putting an arm around her, pulling her close.
“What has?”
She turns her eyes towards him. “You.” She smiles her softest smile. “The only thing that has ever helped me get through all this grief was you.” Barry takes a step towards her, his hand stretched out, unsure what he’s going to say or do. Just instinct pulling him closer to her.
“I can’t lose you too,” she whispers before disappearing right as his hand goes through her. “Cait!” Barry yells, but he is only met by silence. Turning back around, their alter egos have disappeared as well. Trying to keep his own sadness at bay, ignoring the sharp pain twisting on the inside, he sets out to find her again.
Suddenly, a wave of crushing darkness sweeps over him, darkness that’s cutting through him in a way that makes it difficult to breathe.
“The Flash is dead,” Zoom’s voice cuts through the police station, “Barry Allen is dead.”
And Barry can see the life go out of Caitlin, still handcuffed to a desk, see her eyes go dark, no more fire, no more hope.
“The worst moment of my life.” Caitlin has reappeared by his side.
“Cait,” he hesitantly steps closer, not wanting to spook her again. She looks up at him, tears filling her eyes.
“I’m not going through that again. I’m not losing you again. I can’t.”
He doesn’t know what to say, because she was going to lose him again. He had to die. So they could live. So she could live.
But there is nothing he can say to comfort her, so he goes into the offensive.
“So you’re just going to stay here? Reliving these memories? Reliving your grief?” Caitlin seems too stunned to react, her eyes wide, her feet taking half a step back. Then her eyes narrow, there is some fight still left in her.
“Frost wants a life. She can have it. All of it. She knows everything I know, she can fight, the team will be fine. And so will I.” She gives him another glaring look and disappears.
That didn’t go the way he hoped. Barry sighs, then he starts running, because what else is there to do. He has to shield his heart, couldn’t let her pain get to him or he would drown in here as well. He doesn’t want to have to do this to her, cause her more pain. She’s had enough of it. But he couldn’t let her stay in here either. She is going to lose him. He is going to lose her. No way around it. No escape. Even down here.
So he’d find her again. Try again. Her apartment. Nothing. Nobody’s home. Home. Starlabs. Starlabs has always been her home. So he goes there.
He steps out of the elevator to find another version of him holding a coffee mug walking next to another version of Caitlin. A hung-over version. “Summer loving.” “That I do remember,” he can hear her say. A smile spreads on Barry’s face at the memory. No, he needs to concentrate, find Caitlin.
He walks down the hallway, only to run into their alter egos again, smiling at each other. “Maybe it’s time to find someone new to be crazy about.” Something clenches inside Barry, but he keeps moving forward. Into the cortex, filled with the two of them.
Barry pulling Caitlin up from the ground before the console - Barry burying his head in her shoulders, “It seemed like you could use a hug, too” - high fiving each other over the console – Barry kneeling in front of her “He told me you were dead.“ “ I’m not. I’m right here.” - Something bothering you? … You doing that biting your lower lip thing you do when something’s bothering you.” – “With or without your speed, you’re still you Barry.”
But still no trace of the real Caitlin. He needs to keep searching, but he’s rooted to the spot, all those memories of them, he keeps watching entranced as a million of them flutter past, sometimes overlapping. Barry watching over Caitlin as she slept, her watching over him in turn. The hugs goodbye or just to comfort. The smiles shared knowing they were safe. Figuring out science. Laser Tag with Cisco. Making pie...
Tears leak from his eyes, as he the knowledge what he was really going to lose in Crisis hit him full force. It wasn’t his life that he was losing, it was his friends, his family. And they are losing this, too. He would be gone, dying so others could live. But they had to actually keep living. He swallows, turning his head away.
He knows where she is.
He finds the bar easily enough, steeling himself as he enters it. “Come up here. With me. Oh, come show 'em what you got.” Barry feels like crying, sadness and grief rippling through him, but still, the sight of her makes him smile. Because as long as Caitlin Snow is in this world, it is worth saving.
He finds her sitting in a corner booth watching themselves up on stage.
“I’m not leaving,” she says as a way of greeting. He sits down next to her.
“Do you think I want to leave?” he mumbles. She looks at him surprised.
“If I had the luxury to be living in these memories, I would prefer that too. But I can’t. I have to leave and I have to face Crisis, I have to face saying goodbye to my friends, my family, you. And I have to die. So that the world can survive, the multiverse, this earth, Central City, my friends, my family, you. But I can’t do it without you, Cait. I can’t go out there and face all of this if you aren’t by my side. The team needs Caitlin Snow, I need Caitlin Snow. Not Frost. You. If anything, these memories have only reminded me of that fact. So please, I need you to come out, I need you to face whatever’s coming with me. For me.”
Barry can see her resolve crumbling with every word he spoke. She doesn’t want to face losing him. He doesn’t want to face losing her either. But he had no choice.
And there is the truth that really had him running all night, the edginess that poked at him, he could only do it with Caitlin by his side.
They don’t say another word, as tears stream down both of their faces, Barry pulls her close, and wrapped in each other’s arms, they let the presence of the other comfort them.
One more time.
Before they would both wake up, before they would face Crisis and everything that was still to come before. But Barry now knows he can do it because she is right here and he is finally calm.