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I just want a life that seems a little better than a dream
But I just can't seem to get on my feet
Jisung has always been the one to not ask questions when his assistance was asked.
“No you moron, the noodles have to go in next!” He laughs at Hyunjin’s clueless face, both of them charged to make dinner today. By a distracted Changbin who has left them quickly after returning from their shopping trip to give in to his inspiration.
“I know, but it doesn’t look right.” Hyunjin is doubtful, brows knitted together.
Both miss the quiet sound of footsteps until a warm weight settles against Jisung’s back and arms come around to hug his waist together with a face pressing into the section between his neck and shoulder.
He squeaks in surprise before trying to turn his head to look at who is hugging him - if not for the black wide sweater, the curls would have given Chan away in an instant.
“Hyung, hey!” Jisung laughs to calm the slight rush of adrenaline from the surprise attack. He pats the hands on his belly softly.
His mood changes as Chan’s grip on him tightens.
With wide eyes, he looks up at Hyunjin. Did something happen?
“Chan-hyung…?”, Hyunjin tries, food on the stove forgotten for now. “Are you okay?”
Jisung feels something shatter inside of him as Chan shakes his head.
Hyunjin meets his eyes again and his lips press into a tight line. Go, he seems to say. I’m gonna finish up here.
Jisung nods and gently pulls back from Chan’s embrace, smiles at his leader as he takes his hand. “Come.”
He doesn’t want to think about how willingly Chan follows him as Jisung leads them into his empty room. Something...something scary must have happened to throw their leader off like this. And Jisung is scared to ask what it was...because even though he has seen Chan go through periods of weakness in front of him and has seen him cry because he thought they wouldn’t make it - he had never seen him this distraught.
Slowly, he lets himself sink to his bed and pulls Chan with him until he latches on to his sweater and lets himself cry.
Jisung closes his eyes and tries to fight off the fear in his chest as he cards his fingers through Chan’s hair.
“I’ve terminated my contract with JYP Entertainment – which means…”
“I will have to leave Stray Kids.”
Jisung is frozen.
Did he hear that right?
Oh, he feels again.
These are Chan’s fingers digging into his waist, right?
Most likely.
The conversation flows by Jisung like through a fog, his sight is blurry.
He sees Felix getting up, storming out of the room and Changbin following him and he wants to go too because he feels a distant echo from the pain radiating through Felix and he wants to comfort him but how does one move again?
Hyunjin’s voice cuts through the fog, the first time in a few minutes someone speaks louder than a whisper again.
“I may be wrong...But…aren't we something like a family? Aren’t we people who tell each other everything? And…don't have secrets from each other? And not do things like that behind the other’s backs and- and- and not telling them until it’s too late?!”
Jisung almost wishes he hadn’t spoken up - because now, he feels again.
Everything.
In disturbingly sharp clarity.
The pain starting in his heart, the burn of tears in his eyes, the numbness of his fingers and toes.
He’s barely aware of the “Sungie…?” Chan whispers next to him.
He must have seen how Jisung is feeling.
Is it that obvious?
Maybe.
He can’t stay.
Tingles run through his limbs as he moves them again but he ignores them, stumbling out of the room and into the corridor.
Air. He needs air.
He barely has a mind to put on a pair of shoes before he leaves the building, a hiss escaping at the bitter cold outside.
Why did he think it was a good idea to not put on a jacket? Or something more than the sweater he’s wearing?
It doesn’t matter. He’s not going inside anymore for some time - and if he gets sick because of it.
Jisung curls his arms around himself and walks towards a bench he can see standing not far from the entrance to their dorm building. He sits down, staring ahead.
So...this should be the end now.
Woojin is leaving.
On his account? Really?
There’s a part in Jisung that doesn’t believe those words.
Stray Kids has been Woojin’s life...his everything…
Or has that only been what they have seen? And they…
Jisung pulls his legs up to curl his arms around it. It serves to make him feel as small as he wants to and also brings back some of the rapidly escaping warmth.
The time where they had been bungee-jumping and Woojin comforted him after Jisung had started crying after jumping comes to his mind. The memory makes him swallow hard because he still remembers how safe he had felt in Woojin’s arms, how secure he held him and how he had made him feel like everything was okay, well and fine.
There have been some more occasions where Woojin has comforted him after a panic attack or just agreed to hug and cuddle him...and the memories for all of them come rushing back to him.
Why now? Why at the most unasked moments of all times?
He doesn’t realize his tears spilling over at first.
Jisung doesn’t want Woojin to leave.
It’s like...it’s like losing a friend who has become so much like a father-figure to him.
He’s not ready for that.
He looks up as he hears steps coming closer. It’s Hyunjin.
“Knew you would be the next one to leave, loser.”
To be honest...he’s glad it’s Hyunjin. He needs somebody to maybe rant to...or just someone to be quiet with. And the elder doesn’t look like he’s going to talk a lot at the moment.
He rolls his eyes as he plops down next to Jisung. “Shut up and let me hug you.”
There had been very few instants where Hyunjin’s voice was this raspy - at least that Jisung can recall - and they always have been him crying.
And as much as Jisung used to hate Hyunjin, now he just hates the thought of him crying like this so he uncurls his limbs and moves them to the side to straddle Hyunjin, arms coming up around his neck as he melts himself against him and all tension leaves his body.
Hyunjin is great at hugs like this.
Jisung could almost feel content but then, the reason why they’re both sitting here comes to his mind again and if he presses tighter against Hyunjin while both of them start to cry...nobody but them has to know.
Minho finds them like this.
“Why are you two outside?”
Jisung flinches greatly and he feels Hyunjin patting his back in comfort before he turns to address Minho who sits down next to them.
“Woojin-hyung...I bet you knew about that he…” Hyunjin swallows.
As Jisung looks, he sees a hard look pass over Minho’s face and his hand curls into a fist. “Yes...yes I do.”
Something on his knuckles makes Jisung pull back and do a double-take.
Bruises.
Bruises and bloody scratches like he had beaten his fists against a rough surface.
Jisung swallows. “What happened to your knuckles, hyung?” He’s surprised by how vulnerable his voice sounds.
Minho looks at him and his face softens but Jisung can almost see the walls going up in his tired eyes.
“It’s nothing, Sungie.” He reaches out to run a gentle hand through Jisung’s hair.
“You two should go inside - it’s cold out here.”
Hyunjin and Jisung share a gaze.
“Aren’t we people who tell each other everything? And…don’t have secrets from each other?”
But they don’t want to call Minho out on it, even if they know he keeps something from them.
Jisung stands up slowly, a shiver running through his body at the absence of Hyunjin’s warmth.
Hyunjin sees his gaze and smiles with red eyes as he too stands up.
Minho grabs their hands. “Come.”
The living room is empty by now and Jisung stops as they pass it by.
Well, empty save for Woojin and Chan - caught up in a similar embrace like him and Hyunjin before Minho found them, with Chan in Woojin’s lap.
Jisung swallows and he casts a careful glance at Minho and Hyunjin before he enters the living room.
“Hyungs…?”
He meets Woojin’s gaze and the eldest reaches out a hand to pat the space next to him, beckoning Jisung to come closer.
Jisung does so hesitantly and plops down on the sofa next to the two eldest.
Chan looks up and smiles as he sees him. They both have cried but Chan’s smile holds hope in it.
“I’m...I’m sorry for bringing this on you so suddenly,” Woojin starts before he lets out a sigh. “I’ve thought about it all for a long time and it’s not in any way easy for me even though I can imagine it’s more difficult for you and-”
Chan gently caresses his cheek to interrupt his rambling.
“Right, sorry.” Woojin casts a glance at Chan and smiles. “I...I know it’s going to be hard from now on, and I know you maybe can’t forgive me for leaving you behind like this-”
“Don’t say that, hyung!” Jisung is quick to interrupt. “I...I’m sorry for how we behaved towards you - we’re clearly hurting but...but that’s no excuse to make you hurt like that too, you’re still our beloved hyung and you’ll always be!”
Woojin laughs with tears in his eyes and extends an arm. “Come here, Sungie.”
Jisung happily presses himself against Woojin’s side and melts with a sigh.
Maybe there’s hope.
Maybe not for now, but in the future.
They can get through this.
You gotta let go, you gotta let go, you gotta let go
I hope someday you'll understand
- “Gotta Let Go”, Hollywood Undead.