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FOLKSY HAL
We join our heroes in the wild outskirts of Mars, in the midst of a search for an unknown target...
(SFX: Galloping/rocket sounds, continuing under scene)
SPARKS
Wherever this thing is hiding, it's way out in the sticks. Or... rocks. Tiny, boring rocks.
CROACH
We are miles away from any non-indigenous flora such as would produce any fibrous plant matter designated "wood" or "sticks."
SPARKS
No, it's just a... Ugh. Does every conversation have to be like this?
CROACH
Like what, Sparks Nevada?
(Galloping SFX stops)
Wait. Silence. I am sensing something.
SPARKS
You picking up on that Class Four yet?
CROACH
No. The being whom I sense is...
(MUSIC: The Red Plains Rider's theme)
CROACH
The Red Plains Rider. Atop that mesa.
SPARKS
Hey, how about that?
(SFX: Approaching galloping, then abrupt stop)
RED
Dang it. Are y'all gonna come in and cowboy up all over what I been doing? And if you are, could you at least be quieter about it? I been staking out this place for half a day already waiting for that robot bandit to roll through and I really don't need your help.
SPARKS
(chuckles)
Pfft... Yeah, obviously. You were already the best shot on Mars before you got all nanoteched up and Martian-invincible. No, we're doing a whole other thing. Didn't even know you were out this way. That's funny.
CROACH
Were I Plom the Mirthful, I would express an appropriate level of amusement.
SPARKS
That's a guy? I wanna hang out with that guy. Someone who'd actually get my jokes.
CROACH
Sparks Nevada, you construct jokes?
SPARKS
That's hurtful, Croach.
CROACH
I staged a query to imply that your attempts at humorous phasing are so ill timed as to be indiscernible from regular speech patterns.
RED
Alright, Croach. Quit showing off. So... What are y'all doing out here then?
SPARKS
Missing property-slash-animal control or something of the sort. Got a call from one of the fringe labs.
RED
A mad science thing?
SPARKS
Yeah, apparently a Class Four Sentient Organic Experiment got loose or took or something. To be honest, I ain't got all the details on it. You don't really get linear conversations trying to talk to mad scientists.
RED
Class Four? Is that bad?
SPARKS
Worse than a Class Three. Like probably a mutant thing with a bunch of robot parts or whatever.
RED
(Wistfully)
Aw, really?
SPARKS
Jealous?
RED
...This stakeout is real boring.
SPARKS
Yeah? I always found 'em sorta relaxing.
RED
Well, you're weird like that.
SPARKS
So... You wanna tag along, Red?
CROACH
I would be able to sense the power signature of any metal being within a considerable radius of our travel.
RED
Oh, alright. Let's ride.
(SFX: Galloping, continuing under scene)
Which lab is your thing even from?
SPARKS
I forget. Wrote it down somewhere...
CROACH
There are an inordinate amount of them in this quadrant.
SPARKS
Yeah, they get tax breaks, so...
RED
...You're kidding.
SPARKS
Nope. You know mad science is like the fifth leading industry on Mars, right? You don't get FTL travel and perpetual energy machines from scientists who play dice by all the rules of the known universe.
RED
That is... maybe the dumbest idea I ever heard? Put a bunch of folks who make death rays and mind-switching guns and such out in the wilderness and hope they come up with something useful before they destroy the planet?
SPARKS
It actually ain't terrible, net environmental impact-wise. There's a whole report on it, if you wanna read it.
RED
Nobody ever wants to read those reports but you, Nevada.
SPARKS
...It was a really good report. Lots of... informative graphs...
CROACH
I would be under onus to you if you did not require me to read that report.
SPARKS
Okay, I wasn't going to, but if making an onus thing about it makes you happy, sure.
CROACH
I derive no particular happiness from tabulating onus. I am merely tasked with it, as part of my onus to my tribe.
SPARKS
Oh...kay? You know, it's been years of this and I still ain't one hundred percent sure how it works.
CROACH
It has been four Earth-years, three hundred twenty-one days, and six hours since I was first placed under onus to you, Sparks Nevada.
RED
Y'all's anniversary is coming up, huh?
CROACH
He never remembers it.
RED
That's shameful, Nevada. Make an effort.
SPARKS
Can both of you... not? For like... a minute? Croach, are you picking up anything yet?
CROACH
I am sensing a metal being, possibly the assailant of which The Red Plains Rider spoke, nearly one Earth kilometer to the northeast. Also, an unusually high amount of local fauna is in the area.
SPARKS
Weird, but whatever. Let's slow it down.
(Galloping SFX stops)
SPARKS
Well, you're up first, Red. That the right robot?
RED
(to Sparks) Yup, that's the one I'm looking for. Been bothering a couple of the local mutante folks.
(louder)
Hey! Reach for the sky, you! Whatever your name is.
ROBOT
They call me Zipfile Wyatt. You want to know why?
RED
Nope.
ZIPFILE WYATT
It's because I'm real good at compressing stuff.
(SFX: Demonstrative hydraulic noises)
Specifically, organic matter. Specifically organic matter what come to bother me in the form of y'all law-type folks. Only I don't even have to bother, on account of my new pet. Sic 'em, boy! Or girl! Or other! Kill!
(SFX: Heat crackle and squishy moving blob noises)
SPARKS
What... even is that?
RED
Looks like a bunch of lava-skippers all stuck together, but... why?
CROACH
It is...
Adorable! I wish to pet it.
SPARKS
That seems like a terrible ide--Okay, or do whatever you want, apparently.
RED
He likes lava-skippers for some reason. Tried to keep one as a pet once when we were kids. It went--
(SFX: Sizzle)
CROACH
Ow!
RED
About that well.
CROACH
I am sound. Praise Nah Notek.
RED
(sotto voce)
He's always been weird. It ain't just been since you showed up.
SPARKS
Good to know.
ZIPFILE WYATT
Sigh. This monster what I stole from that science lady ain't hardly killing you folks at all. I gotta figure out how to train it better.
CROACH
Do not designate this being a monster! It is clearly a gentle being that--
(through gritted teeth)
Ow! ...did not mean to do that.
SPARKS
Seriously, Croach, maybe back up from that thing. It is leaking so much lava.
ZIPFILE WYATT
Guess I better take care of y'all my own self.
(SFX: Laser blast)
CROACH
The Red Plains Rider!
(SFX: Thud)
Ugh!
RED
Dang it, Croach. You didn't have to do that. I got Nah Notek in me, too.
CROACH
(pained)
Apologies. It was force of habit.
RED
Hey, robot! Don't shoot people's friends in front of them.
(SFX: Several laser blasts)
Ain't polite.
ZIPFILE WYATT
(powering down to a total stop by the end of the sentence)
Neither is shooting the shooter back...
RED
I can live with that.
You okay, Croach?
CROACH
I am recovered, The Red Plains Rider. I am under onus to you for the superfluous act of intercepting a laser bullet.
RED
Reckon you ain't. Those things really hurt, so... Suppose I am under onus to you back. Call it square?
CROACH
Agreed.
SPARKS
Aww, you two with the onuses. Cute.
RED
You really wanna start down that trail, Nevada?
SPARKS
Yeah, no, I really don't.
Hey, you bagged your outlaw like you wanted to.
RED
Looks like it.
SPARKS
So you can haul 'em back to the freeze cells at the station while we take care of this mad science lava... thing.
RED
Ugh. Vigilante justice is more fun when the law ain't around.
SPARKS
It was good seeing you again, too, Red.
(SFX: Hover device powering up)
RED
Alright, got 'em hitched up. See ya around, Nevada. You too, Croach.
SPARKS / CROACH
Bye. / Farewell!
(SFX: Galloping, fading out)
SPARKS
Okay, put that thing in a stasis field.
CROACH
But--!
SPARKS
It ain't gonna hurt it, and we can't haul it back to the lab if it's moving around.
CROACH
Fine. But I shall transport it.
(SFX: Stasis field forming)
SPARKS
Before we get moving, I'm just gonna call that mad scientist real quick.
(SFX: Communicator pulsing)
FEMALE VOICE
(flustered, distracted)
Doctor Trepanning here. What? Hi. What?
SPARKS
This is the Marshal. Just to be totally clear, the Class Four you reported missing is a bunch of mutant lava-skippers and this ain't some other experiment from some other lab, right?
DR. TREPANNING
Oh, good! You found Mittens!
SPARKS
I'm gonna regret this... You named this thing Mittens?
DR. TREPANNING
From when the spliced zygotes first hatched! I could only handle her with heat-resistant gloves.
CROACH
Did you visually record evidence of this?
DR. TREPANNING
So much! I even made gifs!
CROACH
I wish to view them all.
SPARKS
Hang on a second. Before we head over there, I got a question for you, Doc.
You don't happen to have any mind control or behavior-altering sort of devices around or on at all, do you? Because my partner is basically... the most susceptible to them, so I'm gonna need you to turn them all off.
CROACH
I am not.
SPARKS
Yeah? What about when Earth's moon was in Mars' orbit and you got all tetchy and shed a bunch of skin? Or when you absorbed Pemily's murder-feelings? Or when that wanna-be mayor zapped you with that mind control ray and you got real huggy?
CROACH
You do not need to continue to list examples of times I have been behaviorally compromised.
SPARKS
Well, I could, is the thing. Anyway, Doc? You got anything like that?
DR. TREPANNING
That doesn't sound like the kind of thing I'd do... Not really my brand.
SPARKS
Think... really really hard about it.
DR. TREPANNING
Um, would a high-frequency signal that encourages mating cycles in the local fauna so I have more fodder for my unholy experimentations fall under that purview, maybe?
SPARKS
Gross. Yes. I absolutely mean that. Turn it off. Take the batteries out. Smash it with a rock.
DR. TREPANNING
I will do... one of those. You won't know which!
(giggles evilly)
SPARKS
Doesn't matter. We'll be by in half an hour or so.
(SFX: Communicator turning off)
CROACH
Your intuition was remarkably on-point, Sparks Nevada.
SPARKS
Things don't change much on Mars.
CROACH
G'loot Praktaw.
SPARKS
See? Exactly.
(MUSIC: Outro music)
FOLKSY HAL
Is this the end of our heroes' outlaw and mutant troubles? ...Yes! Yes it is! Tune in next time for different troubles entirely on SPARKS NEVADA, MARSHAL ON MARS!