Chapter Text
Phil’s nightly walks have become a ritual. Just as it gets dark, he bundles up and heads out for a stroll up the road, once around the park, and then back again. There was a time when he would have been too scared to walk alone but therapy and practice has changed that. His very tall and very wide frame means people tend to keep their distance unless they’re checking him out. It took quite a few tries, going out and carefully watching the world around him, before he began to feel almost safe. The moon and stars and the lights of his little corner of the city are worth the quiet hum of anxiety that remains. Knowing he can prioritize this thing he loves over that subtle ever present fear brings him a great deal of pride.
This night is surprisingly clear and cold. The park is lit up by a bright full moon and Phil stops to look, making out seas and craters. His hands are in his pockets as he gazes at the sky. It feels so good, this solitude. It’s a moment of simple stillness but it doesn’t last. The static vibration that resides at the back of his neck increases in volume, just slightly, and Phil’s head whips around toward something moving in the dark. He takes his hands out of his pockets.
It’s not a man and so his heart slows to it’s usual hyper alert pace while his eyes struggle to focus. It’s an animal, a big one, and it’s coming closer, black with shining eyes and pointed ears that face forward, standing tall. A dog.
Any residual fear dissipates, taking with it some of the anxiety Phil carries with him all the time. His posture softens, his fists unfurl, and the dog picks up it’s pace until it’s maybe ten feet away. It doesn’t sit, it doesn’t approach him, it just stands and watches, it’s tail swishing once or twice. Phil pulls his scarf tight around his neck and puts his hands back in his pockets before continuing on his way.
The next day is spent editing and emailing, planning and outlining, every meal eaten at his desk. Phil takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes, glancing out the window at the silvery glow of the night outside. He had no idea the sun had gone down. He considers skipping his walk, he’s so tired. That bright moon calls him though. By the time the next full moon rolls around, it could be cloudy, it could be pouring rain, and he’ll regret missing out. Stepping into his shoes, he wraps up in his warmest coat and steps into the cold.
He walks briskly doing his best to generate some warmth. Stopping to moongaze just isn’t an option in this weather so he finds himself rounding the park in record time. The trail that leads around this park follows the edge of a wooded area, thick with trees. There’s no way to avoid it as the trail comes right up against the trees before it ends at the main road. Phil’s pace always picks up, eager to pass that bit as quickly as possible. It’s not a forest by any means, just a little stretch of woods in the city. It’s likely littered with beer cans and condoms in there and that thought is even more discomforting than the deep mysterious darkness itself. Just as Phil begins to slow his pace, he hears a rustling from the trees and speeds back up again. There’s a huff of breath behind him and he stops, turning cautiously to see who or what has come up behind him. His breath is held for a moment but he lets it out with great relief when he sees the dog from the night before. It’s saunters forward until it’s right there, looking up at him with big brown eyes that reflect the moonlight. It’s head tips to one side, tongue falling out for a moment.
Phil can’t help but laugh. He should not pet a stray dog, especially not one the size of this one. It could definitely take his arm off if it wanted to. It’s just so cute though, sitting there, regarding Phil like he’s something to figure out. It doesn’t look scared or dangerous, just curious and maybe a little sad. Phil crouches down and carefully, slowly, reaches out to let the dog sniff his hand. It does, it’s ears pulling back slightly. Phil strokes over the dog’s ear and gently scratches behind it.
“You’re a good pupper, aren’t you?” He coos, “yes, you are.” He feels his away to the dog’s neck but there’s no collar. This dog does not look like feral, it’s so clean and soft, so well behaved. It looks loved. He strokes down the dog’s side once before he stands to leave. When he looks over his shoulder, the dog is sat there, head still tipped, watching Phil walk away.
On the way home, he stops at Tesco for milk and picks up a small baggie of dog treats that he tucks into his pocket, just in case. He can’t help but wonder if the dog will be ok out there, if it has a family somewhere, looking for it. Maybe he shouldn’t have left it. The dog is still on his mind when he climbs into bed. He’s googling dog breeds, trying to decipher what kind of dog that was, but his eyes are slipping shut so he gives up the search and drifts off.
His dreams are moonlit that night. He’s running through the park, through the woods. He on all fours, running faster than he ever could in real life, wind rushing past, animals skittering out of the way. He pounces on something, a rabbit maybe. His teeth sink in, tearing flesh, blood spraying and he thrashes the animal side to side, gripped in his jaws. It’s not frightening or disturbing, it’s exhilarating.
***
Phil is always aware of his surroundings. It may not appear that way as clumsy as he is, but the reality is that he’s focussed on everything but his feet. Tonight, his awareness is focused on the trees and the dark expanse of lawn that stretches alongside the path. He scans carefully as he walks, hoping to catch a glimpse of the big black dog.
He doesn’t have to wait long before he hears something moving closer through the edge of the woods. It emerges slowly but bounds toward Phil when it sees him, slowing back down a few away, as if it remembered it’s manners.
“Hey there. I brought you something.” Phil crouches down, pulling a few treats from his pocket. Hand out, he waits, as the dog moves closer. It lowers its nose to his hand and sniffs before looking at Phil, eye to eye. Phil’s heart feels warm and connected, he could reach out and hug this pup right around the neck, tackle it to the ground to wrestle. He doesn’t of course, they just met and Phil has manners too.
The dog takes a treat, and another, and then what’s left in Phil’s hand, leaving a slobbery mess behind. Phil wipes his hand on his jeans and laughs as the dog pants and follows his empty hand. Phil rubs it’s head and smiles wide at his friend who bounces a bit, panting, smiling too, really. The dog leans into him, nosing at his hand with enough force to practically knock him over and Phil has to put his hand on the ground to avoid it.
“Woah!” Phil laughs, “careful pup, you’re stronger than you think. You are strong like bear,” he says in a mock deep voice. He pets the dog vigorously and is rewarded by a rapidly wagging tail. “That’s what I’ll call you, Bear. It suits you.”
Phil pulls our another treat and feeds it to Bear. “Night doggo,” He says before standing up. As he walks, Bear falls into step next to him.
“Bear, you’ve got to stay here,” Phil says, “Stay.”
He carries on and Bear is right behind him.
“Bear!” Phil giggles as he turns to see the dog, happily trotting behind him. “Don’t you know that command? Sit.” Bear sits. “Good dog. Now stay.”
Again, he walks on and again, Bear is right there on his heel. Phil stops and crouches down again. He looks at the sky and absentmindedly moves his hands to rub Bear’s neck. Clouds have rolled in, dark grey ones, that look heavy with rain. Phil thinks about Bear finding shelter in the woods, shivering in the cold London rain. Sure, he’s a dog, covered in thick fur, but Phil just can’t stomach the thought of him out here alone all night.
“Ok Bear, you can come home with me.”
Bear pants happily, watching Phil closely as he pulls himself up to stand. When they get home, Phil finds a blanket and makes a nest for Bear to sleep in on the rug in the lounge.
“No barking now, I’m not strictly sure I’m allowed to have you in this flat,” Phil says, “Goodnight Bear. Sleep tight.” He leans down and rubs his cheek over the soft fur covering Bear’s head and the dog makes a sweet sound, like a soft whine before laying down on the blanket. He huffs a breath and closes his eyes, looking utterly relaxed. Bear is safe and cozy so Phil heads to bed.
When the sun streams into the window, bright and glaring, Phil winces and turns away like he does every morning. Then, all at once, he remembers Bear. Suddenly, this day holds a lot of promise. Pulling on pajamas and a warm hoodie, he shuffles to the kitchen to make coffee then carries his mug to the lounge.
“Morning Bear,” he says, voice still groggy but full of sunshine, “what should we…”
The blanket nest is there, just as he left it, but Bear is nowhere to be found.
“Bear?” Phil grabs some treats and walks all over the flat but Bear is gone. He can’t for the life of him figure how he got out. Had Phil left the door open? That makes no sense, it would be freezing in here, and it’s locked. The flat is all locked up tight, the way he left it. He sits down on the blanket and picks off a few stray dog hairs. His chest feels tight, tears flood his eyes. He shouldn’t have let himself get attached to a stray. It was just a couple encounters but he just felt so connected to Bear. God, he can’t believe he named him. He wipes a tear, cursing himself for being too sentimental and desperate for companionship. He needs to spend more time with friends because this is ridiculous.
1 month later
In the past month, Phil has been to 2 dog shows, 3 dog rescue shelters, 1 pet adoption fair, and paid 3 visits to the RSPCA. Every dog he’s met has been wonderful. They all lift his spirits, making him feel warm and happy. They’d all make excellent companions. He’s knows he’d be lucky to take any one of the pups home but something in him says he can’t. He already has a dog. Out there somewhere is a dog that Phil loves and he’s spent every day of the last 4 weeks pining for a pet he’ll probably never see again.
Each night, he walks through the park, slowly, giving plenty of time for Bear to show himself. Each night, he peers into the woods with bated breath and whispers, “Bear? Here boy.” And each night he goes home and climbs into bed with a heavy, lonely heart.
This night is just the same as every night. Phil stands from the sofa where he’s been working and stretches till his back cracks. He drinks the glass of water he’s been neglecting before slipping into his shoes and coat. He hadn’t realized there was a full moon tonight but as he moves further from the lights of city street, the park stays illuminated, bathed in gossamer light. There’s a bench near the halfway point on the path that leads around the park. Phil sits and rests his head back, taking in the view of the sky, feeling the cool crisp air on his cheeks. His eyes slip shut and he listens to the subtle sounds that break through the quiet.
Something bumps his knee.
Startled, Phil sits upright as his eyes fly open. There, nudging his knee, is Bear. Brown eyes shine up at him and Phil’s heart soars.
“Bear!” he practically shouts, “Oh my god, where have you been? I thought your family found you!” His eyes well up just a bit and he’s laughing out loud. He’s never been so relieved to see a stray dog in his life. “You wanna come home with me Bear?”
Bear jumps to his feet, tail wagging, tongue wagging too. He nudges at Phil’s thigh till he stands and they walk toward home together.
This time, the nest of blankets is in Phil’s room. He’s still not sure how Bear got out that first time and he’d like to keep him close, where he can hear if he gets up and scratches at the door.
Bear is curled up, eyes half open, watching Phil move about as he gets ready for bed. His last stop is to bend down and scratch Bear behind the ears.
“Goodnight Bear. I’ll see you in the morning.” He sets his glasses on the bedside table and checks the alarm on the phone before clicking the light off. The sheets are cool in the warm room and he can hear Bear’s soft breaths from where he rests at the foot of the bed. The flat has never felt so much like home as it does right now.
When the alarm goes off at 10 am, Phil jumps up. He’s got meetings today, and he’s late. He’d been so excited to have Bear back last night, he’d forgotten that he had to actually go out into the working world today. He’s in and out of the shower in minutes. Bear is already up, exploring Phil’s filming room. He can hear him in there and he really hopes he doesn’t knock anything expensive over. There’s no time to check right now. He makes his coffee in a travel mug and runs out the door, shouting over his shoulder.
“Be good Bear! See you tonight.”
The sun is setting when Phil leaves his last meeting. He takes his time walking to the tube, enjoying the golden light and the sherbert horizon, purple and orange and pink. He’s smiling to himself, content, when he sees a posh little pet store with the open sign lit.
He figures he’ll pick up some dog food and a leash, but £200 later, he’s got the biggest dog bed he’s ever seen, a collar, a leash, and a variety of treats and toys. The tube ride home is awkward to say the least.
Phil can’t remember the last time he was this excited to get home at the end of a day of meetings. As he fumbles for his key, he hears Bear’s wild footsteps followed by a gentle bark. Pushing the door open, he drops his packages and opens his arms to Bear, who is already jumping up. Phil’s back hits the door as Bear’s paws land on his shoulders. There’s not a whole lot he can do in the face of the welcome so he scrunches up his face and let’s bear lick his face, big wet dog kisses all over his cheeks, until Phil is out of breath from laughing.
“Okay! Bear! Down, come on, down boy.”
Bear jumps down and crouches, tail wagging furiously, ears pulled back. He wants to play.
“Ok Bear, it’s time for my walk anyway.” He grabs a toy and the leash and takes his first nightly walk with his dog by his side.
This was the missing piece. The challenge of pushing through fear and anxiety to enjoy the night is gone. All Phil can feel is calm, he feels truly safe for the first time in as long as he can remember. He’s come so far, built up so much courage. He knows he can be brave on his own, but with Bear here, he doesn’t have to be brave.