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bang chan was there, sitting in the last row, with a small bouquet of white roses in his lap. his stiff from crying eyes slowly shifted from the coffin to the priest talking nonsense, and to the coffin back.
he couldn't believe it. the sweet lee minho, his neighbour was… the word wouldn't even occur in his mind. someone must have been lying to him. probably that guy crying his eyes out in the front row. he looked shady. who was he anyways? his boyf– no. lee minho wasn't gay after all, it was just his brother who wanted to tease him, right? that's what he said later, after minho went missing. it wasn't real. lee minho couldn't be gay and lee minho couldn't be dead.
bang chan wiped the single bitter tear off his cheek and stared at the definitely not lee minho's coffin.
lee felix tapped seo changbin's shoulder, trying to cheer him up, but he knew it was pointless. his love was just being lowered into the ground – how could he be feeling right there? felix couldn't imagine what it would be like if it was his jeongin inste–
he shook his head, not wanting the picture to even appear in his thoughts. he was being sad enough already.
lee minho was basically his guardian angel. he was the one who helped him after jisung's death, the one that was always there for him, the one who was always so cheerful and optimistic, and now he was dead too. felix didn't understand. what went wrong? when did he go from the bubbly minho to suicidal minho? he knew the lee minho from a few years prior so well, and he would have never done that. not minho . not the one who forced him to throw out all his razor blades, who pulled him off the rooftops, who gripped him so hard he dropped all of the pills – his minho wasn’t a hypocrite. his minho believed in what he was saying.
but there was a faint thought in the back of felix’s head that was whispering cruel he didn’t over and over again as felix felt his heart shattering into pieces.
hwang hyunjin’s eyes were already hurting, he was trying so hard not to cry. he didn’t have a legitimate reason to cry. who was he to minho? an ex-lover? who’s that compared to a boyfriend? a childhood friend? no one. and hyunjin was well aware it wasn’t his place to be crying.
he was the one who left lee minho first. he met kim woojin, blinded by his desire to find the one , the one and only muse, the one who would make him a true artist, a revolution worthy of attention from the best ones, he didn’t realise there was something more to his relationship with lee minho than pure work and occasional sex. he was too conceited, too vain to notice the emotions being born slowly, to feel something for another person, to know anything more than pure hedonism.
kim woojin left him eventually, not wanting to put up with his egocentric headassery , and hwang hyunjin just stared at him doing so. he stared up to the point where his eyes were hurting, but he didn’t know how to stop. he stared until he noticed a sharp pain in his chest and realised he felt something for once . but he knew it was already too late. hwang hyunjin felt something for the first time in his short life, but he knew it was already too late .
he was the one who left lee minho first, but now lee minho left him too.
seo changbin wished he knew how to feel something.
his heart felt empty while listening to all the condolences and heartfelt words. his heart felt empty while looking at minho’s closed coffin. his heart felt empty while remembering minho’s lifeless body laying in his arms on the bathroom’s floor. he just wished he could cry just like lee felix sitting next to him or scream like minho’s mother when he somehow managed to call her. but he didn’t. he couldn’t help but just stare with an empty look and place his shaky hands in his lap as the only indicator of his grief.
he didn’t know what was happening. the only thing he was noticing was how quickly the people around him moved. he couldn’t catch up. everything was so fast. it was like lee minho had just been there with him last november, showing him han jisung’s grave, but now he was the one being lowered into one.
maybe that was why he only noticed bang chan when he was already rambling to poor lee felix who hasn’t even stopped crying over minho, but was starting to tear up because of the screams.
“and you know , after he pulled that stunt his parents were so worried, like, you cannot even imagine what we all went through, and you’re telling me that he was there shagging random guys every night? fuck, mate, you’re telling me that whole gay thing was actually for real? like, lee was actually a homo? gosh, why did i even come here, to his funeral, wait till his parents hear about this shi–”
that was when seo changbin finally felt something.
overwhelming pain in his right hand after he punched bang chan right in the face.
but he was smiling. he was smiling so wide he could actually hear faint what the fuck, mate in the distance, though he didn’t know who did the voice belong to. because seo changbin liked the stinging pain, he liked the red spot on bang chan’s face, he liked the thought that minho would have been proud of him.
there was lee minho hiding behind his eyes, but it wasn’t the lee minho any of them knew. and seo changbin liked it too.
because seo changbin would do anything to meet minho again.