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lee felix’s breath was heavying after having downed the third whiskey in fifteen minutes. “and you know, guys, he was always smiling so much, he- his smile, yeah, he was always so happy, you can’t imagine…”
seo changbin shook his head, contemplating whether not to take the younger’s glass away from him and push him onto the bed he was standing next to, forcing him to have a nap, but just sighed loudly, deciding that for once he didn’t want to act like a mother to everyone else. instead, he just poured more alcohol into his and felix’s glasses and drank it all at once.
“i don’t know what happened”, a hiccup made him stop for a moment, “over the time i haven’t seen him…” lee felix looked genuinely worried, and he probably was, but the alcohol in his veins made his furrowed brows, teary eyes and a little pout exaggerated. “i would have never expected, never ever expected”, he sniffed, “ this. ”
“i don’t know either”, said hwang hyunjin, who up to this point was sitting quietly in the corner of seo changbin’s small living room. “he never seemed to be”, he spoke slowly, like he was thinking deeply about his words, but changbin thought to himself that it was because of the wine he was drinking, “suicidal”, he ended with a higher tone, as if it was a question. “he seemed to be only focused on his work, and his work only. no place for emotions for any kind, especially not the bad ones”
seo changbin stood up, feeling a little dizzy, probably not only from the tons of alcohol he consumed during the last few hours, but also the fact that he hasn’t eaten properly in three days and slept two hours each night at most. he couldn’t even bare to be in the bedroom he used to share with minho. it hurt too much when he still could smell him on the pillows on his side of the bed. his heart was breaking over and over again every time he would see minho’s clothes thrown everywhere around the flat. he was closing his eyes every time he walked into the bathroom, but still couldn’t stop his mind from imagining minho’s lifeless body lying on the floor. everything reminded him of lee minho — the dirty cup on the counter, the book left opened on the bedside counter, the lemon pie scented hand cream he used on daily basis.
he kept catching himself thinking he would rather forget that someone like lee minho existed, and he hated that thought with a burning passion. but it just kept going back. what it would be like if he never decided to talk to that weird guy in the club he used to work in? what if lee minho never kissed him under that cherry tree in the park they were always going to? what if he just forgot minho’s sweet touch, gentle words and bright smile? what if he forgot lee minho.
“you- you’re okay, mate?”, lee felix asked and that’s when seo changbin realised he must have been standing there, just thinking about minho for some time.
“yeah, completely fine”, seo changbin answered. “i just don’t get it.”
“we neither”, hwang hyunjin sighed, but got interrupted quickly.
“no, i don’t get how you two are saying how he never seemed to be the type to commit suicide.” he shook his head, standing in front of a fogged window and trying to look out of it. “he was diagnosed with depression even before he met any of you two. he’s been suicidal for years !”
suddenly it got quiet. lee felix stopped sniffing and hwang hyunjin didn’t tap his empty wine glass nervously anymore. it was almost as if both of them stopped breathing, but seo changbin quickly realised that he couldn’t hear sniffing because lee felix actually started crying again and the tapping stopped because hwang hyunjin used his hands to press on an old wound on his forearm.
“what do you mean? should i even believe you?” it was hwang hyunjin who spoke first, looking up at changbin with an angry expression on his flawless face. “he wouldn’t lie to me. he literally used to yell at me when i even suggested that he could have feelings. he didn’t have them! he was always so calm and collected…” and so was hwang hyunjin’s voice as he got up to face changbin. he rushed quickly to the window seo changbin was still standing near and looked down at him. “lee minho wasn’t broken when i met him. you broke him, seo changbin, and all of this is only your fault.”
just when hwang hyunjin turned around to walk out of changbin’s house, lee felix stood up too. he seemed less drunk than a few minutes ago, but still stumbled a bit. his fists indicated anger, even though changbin could see pure pain in his eyes.
“minho was the best friend i could ever have”, he claimed, his voice sounding like he really meant it as something important. “he supported me, he made me happy again, he helped me get through the toughest of times in my life. he saved me a million times.”
“because he loved you”, seo changbin added, not knowing exactly why.
“lee minho loved me ? don’t be fucking hilarious”, he hissed. “i used to be in love with him, has he told you that? i confessed, and he said he didn’t feel anything like that for me. that’s why i got with jeongin in the first place after all. lee minho was my best friend, but he never loved me at all.” felix’s eyes flickered with tears. “did you know that? did you know that he broke my heart twice ? do you think you’re so special, sitting here, starving yourself to manifest your undying love for minho? you weren’t the only one who loved him. stop acting like a fucking asshole just because he loved you back.” lee felix turned around to walk out too, but stopped midway just to give changbin a mean grin over his shoulder. “or did he?”
seo changbin was once again left alone in his flat that still reminded him of lee minho. he sat in his armchair, but couldn't focus on anything, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. there was only one thing on his mind, and he wasn't able to get it out.
did he actually know the true lee minho?