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“He kept suggesting those really skinny ones with the holes. I honestly don't get that trend. So I told Patterned Shirt Guy that I’d rather have jeans that don’t have any rips yet.”
Neil was walking along his usual route, down a small street and past little shops, as he recounted the story from yesterday’s shopping trip into his camera. As always when vlogging while walking, Neil held his camera close to his face. He knew it looked stupid – shut up, Jean – but he didn’t want to hit any of the pedestrians on the busy sidewalk.
That had happened exactly once and ended in Neil being sued. Why the guy had thought Neil had any money was beyond him (people usually told him he looked homeless). Still, he didn’t want a repeat of the incident. His manager, David Wymack, hadn’t even let him post the resulting video. Personally, Neil thought the footage was hilarious, but Wymack had decided that Neil making fun of the guy for running into his camera was ‘not a good look’. Whatever that meant.
“He seemed really upset about that.” Neil didn’t know why Nicky, the salesclerk, still tried to convince him to go with “trendy” clothes. Neil’s been going there for the past two years and always bought the same style (comfy and unassuming), so you would think Nicky would give up at some point. He wondered if the guy was always that persistent.
“He got over it though – seems like the kind of person to just roll with whatever – and now I am the proud owner of a new pair of jeans.” Neil gave a quick thumbs-up into the camera. Halfway through the motion he realized that he probably looked like a moron with the camera already held so close to his face. Eh, whatever. “I also think this is the perfect moment to once again thank Jean for shooting at me at paintball before I was wearing my gear. Thanks, man. Great job.”
When it had happened, he had been ready to go off on Jean. Unfortunately, they had already been recording and all his friends had quickly moved on, smiles firmly in place – Jeremy wanted his channel to be ‘kid friendly’.
Fuck that, it had fucking hurt. And people should know that it wasn’t okay. Fuckers, all of them.
Walking through the doors of the little corner café where Neil usually picked up a coffee on his way to his gym, he quickly wrapped up the story about his destroyed jeans and stuffed the camera into his pocket. After getting in line, he inconspicuously turned around to glance toward the table in the corner between the large windows and the wall.
Two girls were chatting over their coffee cups.
Deflated, Neil turned back to the counter to wait until it was his turn to order.
Where was the guy? It had been four days now – he’d never been gone that long before.
Well. Neil was away on trips for his YouTube channel for at least a week or two every month, so he didn’t actually know the guy’s schedule.
But something felt off, he was sure of it.
Neil had noticed the blond guy about half a year ago when he had tried out a new route to his gym and stopped by the café before meeting Matt, his best friend (according to Matt).
Somehow his coffee intake had increased significantly since then. And it was not because of the quality of the café's coffee.
Neil wasn’t even sure what it was that was so fascinating about this guy. Sure, he looked good, but Neil usually didn’t care about these things. Whatever it was – watching him sitting in the corner with a huge coffee cup with a mountain of whipped cream, typing on his laptop, sometimes looking hyper focused, other times looking tired – kept drawing Neil's attention until he stopped at the café on an almost daily basis.
At first, Neil had kept his curiosity to himself.
Then, he dubbed him ‘Angry Writer’ so he could talk about him in his videos.
Now, the situation had admittedly gotten slightly out of hand. At this point, not a single vlog or Instagram live went by without at least one mention of this mysterious guy.
Neil was mostly content with observing him from afar. But he couldn’t help the tiny part in him that wouldn’t mind if they would for some miraculous reason have a conversation one day. He had even started to put more effort into how he looked, just in case this conversation was to ever happen (he had come close a couple times but always chickened out at the last moment). Allison, wineglass in hand, had even shown him how to make his hair look nicer.
He wasn’t sure he succeeded – it never quite looked the same as when she did it.
“Hey Neil!”
Looking to his right, Neil saw Katelyn sitting in one of the comfy chairs at the back of the café. After getting his coffee, he walked over to her, winding his way through the maze of mismatched chairs and tables. Halfway there, she was already in the middle of giving an update on her current book.
“And they thought they finally had a moment of peace and just, you know, could enjoy being, you know? But then, of course! There was another attack, but like not super fancy but more covert, you know? I think you would really like it!”
“Uh, yeah, what’s the title again?”
Katelyn, beaming excitedly, showed him the cover and Neil took a photo, title and author already forgotten again by the time he shoved his phone back into his jeans pocket.
After a couple more minutes of nonsensical chatting – Neil’s good mood had long since evaporated – he said his goodbye and resumed his way to his gym, passing the pretzel stand around the corner from the café.
“Angry Writer’s again not here. Hope he’s alright. Pretzel Bro is just outside, so Writer is missing out on some delicious pretzels.”
Neil had to stop talking about writer guy. Over the last couple months his vlogs had become shorter and shorter because he had to cut out so much. It was getting ridiculous.
“And yes, I know carbs aren’t good for a ‘balanced diet.’”
Good.
“I’m sure Angry Writer doesn’t count carbs.”
Not good.
“He seems like someone you can have a normal dinner with without getting any comments.”
Getting worse.
“And just to make sure there are no misunderstandings – yes, Kevin, I am 100% talking about you.”
Okay, better.
He managed to ramble about carbs for another five minutes – he sometimes wondered why people even watched his content – before giving up and shutting off his camera.
Taking out his phone instead, he called Matt. So far his content for today's vlog was shit and he needed more than just a gym session to talk about. Ideally something more interesting than pretzels.
“Sure, buddy, how about miniature golf? Kevin wanted to go for ages, we could ask him to tag along. He can do camera for us.”
Neil grimaced, looking up to the cloudy sky. He wasn't really in the mood for any serious filming. There was always too much smiling involved for his taste. He wasn’t usually the smiling type, but – as Wymack had explained to him several times – ‘sarcastic insults is not enough to draw an audience’. Personally, Neil was convinced there was an audience for that, but probably not large enough to pay for his trips.
Alas, beggars couldn't be choosers.
After meeting Matt outside their gym, they drove over to Kevin’s place before continuing to the miniature golf place on the other side of town. Apparently, it was Star Wars themed. Or maybe it was Star Trek. Neil didn’t really get the difference.
Staring out the window, tuning out Matt and Kevin’s chatter about the setup of the camera angles and intro to the video, he wondered – not for the first time – why he was still doing videos.
It had started two years ago when they all had still been in college. He had met Kevin and Matt in one of their media classes and together they had decided to try out YouTube. At the time, he had thought it was just for fun. Clearly he had not been friends with Kevin long enough to know that the man never did anything just for the fun of it.
Even back then, Kevin, a veteran of the Micky Mouse club, wouldn’t shut up about how actual filming worked. And, mostly to shut him up, they had decided to take advantage of his – to be honest – very limited knowledge and started doing their own videos. Since Kevin didn’t want to be in front of the camera again, he usually took care of the wider angles and their equipment while Neil, Matt, Jeremy and Jean were responsible for the action.
Two years later, they had all dropped out of college and had successfully established their own channels with Neil’s counting over a million subscribers.
They all had their own style and genre – Kevin did tech reviews, Jeremy did excursions into nature, and Jean mostly did gaming with some conventions thrown in. Matt and Neil were the most alike with both doing travel videos, but Matt’s were more focused on culture and food, whereas Neil’s videos tended to be purely about adventure.
Kevin’s dad managed all of them and made sure they always brought in enough money with various sponsorships and appearances at conventions to cover their expenses.
Neil really shouldn’t complain. He made a living by doing the most fun stuff in the world. Even interacting with his followers was okay. Most of them tended to comment with emojis and nonsensical words or hashtags but now and then there would be a truly hilarious comment waiting for him at the end of a long day.
Like the one where a user had told him to go die after he had opened his bungee jumping video with the jump instead of the usual intro. Neil had been very proud of that opening, thank you very much.
He hoped that user had enjoyed the many cold openings he had worked into his videos since then.
The thought almost made Neil smile.
“You okay, buddy?” Matt’s voice pulled Neil out of his thoughts. “You’re quiet today.”
“Yeah, what’s wrong with you?” Kevin, always the empathetic one.
“Nothing,” Neil said shortly, already knowing his friends wouldn’t let it go. He probably needed new friends.
“Yeah, very convincing.”
“You want to talk about it?”
“No, mom, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Is this about that guy again?” Kevin’s head appeared between the two front seats. “Neil, I told you, he isn’t a good idea. He sounds very dangerous.”
“Kevin, how can a person that literally does nothing other than write on his laptop sound dangerous.” Looking back, he saw Kevin shrugging into his seat.
Rolling his eyes, Neil turned back to the front, hoping that would be it.
“You know, if this… thing is stressing you out, then you could just stop going to the café.”
Neil furrowed his brows at Matt’s comment. He didn’t want to stop seeing writer guy. Even if he never talked to him, he had gotten used to knowing that there would be this quiet guy sitting in the same spot every day. And even if Neil was gone for several days, he never had to worry about him still being there when he got back.
So no, he didn’t want to stop seeing the guy. In fact, he very much didn’t like the fact that the guy apparently decided to no longer be at the café.
With no response from Neil, Matt went on, “Or, you could talk to him.”
“Yeah, why don’t you just talk to him?”
“Seriously, Kevin? I thought he was too dangerous.”
“Well, I don’t know what you want me to say!” Huffing, Kevin crossed his arms like a petulant child.
“You know, it’s okay to be nervous. I was too, before I talked to Dan.”
“I am not as pathetic as you were with Dan.” Looking at Matt, he narrowed his eyes at his friend, daring him to contradict him.
“You are pretty pathetic, though.” He turned his glare at Kevin at that helpful comment.
“I mean, you are basically writing poems about him in your Instagram lives.”
Well. He couldn’t refute that. In his videos he could cut out most of the rambling, but there was nothing he could do about his live videos. Of course, he could stop going on tangents about the guy in the first place, but Neil had yet to figure out how to do that.
And it wasn’t as if he didn’t want to talk to the guy. He just didn’t want to upset the routine they had settled into. He would go to the café, stare at the guy for a couple minutes while being ignored, and then leave. Easy, perfect.
He probably shouldn't tell his friends that, lately, those few minutes at the café had become the highlight of his days.
“He doesn’t even know I exist, so can we please change the subject?”
“That’s why you are supposed to talk to him!” Kevin leaned forward again, holding onto Matt’s driver seat. “Matt, didn’t we already say that?” Turning to Neil, he continued, “we already said that.”
“He doesn’t notice me, ok? I’ve tried before.”
“Tried how?”
Turning from Kevin to Matt, Neil said casually, “You know, I’ve given him… looks.”
“Looks.”
“Yes, Kevin. It’s that thing, where you look at a person.”
“Okay, let’s all calm down. Neil, buddy, if the guy is focused on his work, just looking at him won’t work.”
“Well, clearly.” Neil rolled his eyes at Matt, sitting back in his seat and damning the rush-hour traffic that had them crawling through the city.
“I just don’t think you can go on like this much longer. And Dan agrees.”
“Great, you talk with Dan about me.”
“Of course, buddy, we talk about you all the time!” Matt actually looked proud of himself.
Taking a deep breath, Neil counted to ten in both French and Spanish.
“What would I even say. I don’t know a thing about him.”
“Where’s the problem? Just say ‘hi, I’m Neil’ and that’s it.”
“’Hi, I’m Neil.’? Wow, Kevin, color me impressed.”
“What, it’s not my fault that’s your name.”
“Could you be any less creative?” Neil parroted Kevin’s deeper voice, “’Hi, I’m Neil. I’m a dumb idiot and talk about you in my YouTube videos.’”
“Dumb and idiot imply the same thing so it’s redundant to say both.”
“Yeah, thanks.”
“Also, if you don’t want your content to be dumb, how about you include some informative facts.”
Neil turned around in his seat and hissed at Kevin, “I’ll give you a fact, Day, how about you go and f–“
“Okay!” Matt yelled over them. “So, we have the introduction, that’s great!”
Turning on Matt, Neil snapped, “No, Matt, it’s not great! I can’t just walk up to a stranger and talk as if we’re already in the middle of a conversation! He’ll –”
“That’s why you say ‘hi’, I don’t –“
“– think I’m weird.”
“Bud, I think you’re overthinking this.”
“You think!?” Neil threw up his arms. “Of course I am overthinking this! I’ve been overthinking this for five months!”
“Why are you yelling, it’s not our fault that you are useless.”
“Shut up, Kevin.” Neil ignored Kevin huffing in the back seat. “And what if he doesn’t want to talk to me? Ever thought about that in your lengthy conversations with Dan?”
“Of course he will want to talk to you! You are awesome!” Matt threw a quick glance at Neil. “Also, if he’s into guys, I doubt a good conversation will be the first thing on his mind when he looks at you.”
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Neil leaned back in his seat and tried to remember that he wasn’t actually angry at Matt. Or even Kevin. “What if he’s not into guys. Or maybe he’s not as superficial and actually cares about a person’s personality. What am I supposed to do then?”
“Well, your personality is pretty terrible –”
“Seriously?”
“– but maybe by the time he notices, you’re already over him.”
“Wow, thanks, let’s not get too optimistic, shall we.”
“Kevin didn’t mean it like that.” Matt glared at Kevin through the rearview mirror. Personally, Neil thought Matt’s glares were pathetic. Based on Kevin’s non-reaction, he was not the only one with that opinion. “It’ll be great! Because you are great!”
Grimacing, Neil sank deeper into his seat. “What if Kevin is right though.”
“Of course I a–”
“Don’t think like that, you’re awesome! That’s why you’re my best friend!”
“Yeah, thanks, not what I meant. What if he’s not at all what I thought he would be and I lose interest after three sentences? What if he is only interested in, you know, certain... stuff?”
“Well, maybe he’s not exactly who you wished he would be but that doesn’t mean that he’s not an interesting person that could be your friend.” Matt’s sheer conviction made Neil feel a little bit better. “Don’t let all those worries stop you.”
Neil just hummed, turning once more to the window. How was it possible that another person could throw him off so completely? That had never happened before, and he didn’t like it one bit.
“Just promise me, the next time there is a chance, just walk up to him. I promise it’ll be okay. This guy could be someone important in your life – he basically already is. Don’t miss that chance.”
Tired of the conversation, Neil just nodded. He wondered if the guy would ever come back to the café. Or if Neil had already missed his chance.
“Can we please talk about something else now?”
“Yes!” Once again, Kevin sat up to lean in between the two front seats, looking intently at Neil. “You need to switch gyms.”
Groaning, Neil thumped his head against his headrest. “Kevin.” Neil took a deep breath. “You’ve been trying to get me to switch gyms for years. When will you just. Drop. It.”
“It makes no sense that you always walk to a different neighborhood!”
“You know I don’t want people knowing where I live.”
“Stop being so paranoid –”
“That’s rich, coming from you. How about you stand in front of the camera in the next video and then tell me again how I’m the paranoid one.”
“– no one at the gym cares about you.”
“Lovely.”
“You know what I mean,“ Kevin harrumphed.
“Okay, sure. Give me one good reason why your gym is better than mine and I’ll switch.”
“No problem. They have a really good promotion right now where you can save 10% on your first year if I recommend you.” Kevin sat back as if he’d just nailed an argument.
“Dude, your gym is way more expensive than mine. 10% won’t do much about that.”
“Well, it’s more expensive because the equipment is actually good. That’s reason number two!” Kevin snapped. “Also, Matt and Dan are thinking about switchi–”
“What?” Neil turned to Matt. “Seriously?”
Matt looked guilty, which was answer enough.
“Are you kidding me? When were you planning on telling me?”
“We haven’t decided yet. And we would’ve told you!”
“See! Plenty of good reasons.”
“No, Kevin, plenty of expensive equipment and people who have betrayed me.” Neil narrowed his eyes at Matt. He couldn’t believe he might have to switch gyms. He mostly ran on the treadmill. Maybe he should just go back to running outside, people following him be damned.
“Jeremy and Jean are also thinking about joining.”
“What?” Since when were those two interested in going to a gym.
“See!” The I told you so was so tangible, Neil had to fight really hard to not climb into the backseat.
“You just don’t want to be by yourself anymore.”
“I’m not by myself.” Kevin squawked. “I have plenty of friends there!”
“Friends?” Neil looked back at Kevin, raising his eyebrows in surprise. “Who?”
After a pause, Kevin muttered, “Well, a friend.”
“A friend.”
“I mean,” Kevin started fidgeting in his seat. “I also know all the staff, but I figured you wouldn’t let that count.”
“Obviously.” Neil snorted, turning back around to the front. “So, what’s this ominous friend’s name?”
At Kevin’s silence, Neil couldn’t help but laugh. Given his sour mood, it wasn’t a nice sound. “Wow, you two sound really close.”
“Shut up, we’ve been friends for ages,” Kevin snapped. “We talk every week.”
“And you don’t even know his name?” Matt glanced at Neil, concerned.
“Well, it never came up. We’re gym buddies, you know, casual. Like, well, gym buddies.”
“Uhu.” Neil had never seen Kevin Day be casual for a single day in his life.
“Totally,” Kevin nodded vigorously, “he’s cool, a bit odd.”
“He’s odd?” Neil would bet his left arm that the guy thought Kevin was the odd one.
“Yeah, he doesn’t do cardio. I tried to explain to him that he’s doing it wrong, but he wouldn’t listen.”
“Uhu.” Yeah, that dude definitely thought Kevin was the odd one.
“Yeah, but he loves the shakes!” Kevin smiled proudly.
“Ugh, Kevin, you have to stop with that shit.”
“I won’t stop being conscious about my health just because you don’t care what you do to your body,” Kevin said, primly.
“I think it’s great that you found someone to talk to about nutrition, Kevin.”
Neil threw Matt a disgusted look. Did he always have to be so unconditionally supportive?
“Absolutely. For example, the other day, we talked about the new strawberry one and he said he prefers the chocolate one.”
“Riveting.”
“I mean, technically speaking, he just turned around and walked off, but that’s just him, you know.”
Okay, wow. Neil wasn’t sure if he should feel bad for Kevin or for that guy.
“Well, he sounds great, really, 10/10, but I’m still not going to switch gyms.”
“Why not? You wanted one reason and I’ve given you plenty!”
“Yeah, shitty ones. I wanted a good one.”
“Thanks, buddy.” Matt threw in while finally parking in front of the miniature golf place.
Neil just rolled his eyes at him. “Like I said, I don’t want people to find out where I live, so it’ll take a much better reason than a lousy promotion, friends secretly leaving me behind, and a guy who may or may not be talking to Kevin.”
“I’ll find a good one, just you wait.”
“Sure thing, Kevin.” Neil got out of the car. “No rush.”
Later that night, Neil was sitting at home and cutting his vlog for the day. After watching himself ramble for eight minutes and 46 seconds about the exact color of writer guy’s hair, Neil decided that something had to be done. This was not sustainable. Or healthy.
He had been in a bad mood all week because of a person he didn’t know. Not even Kevin losing pathetically at miniature golf had helped.
Shaking his head, Neil got up to walk to his kitchen to make himself some tea. He barely remembered living in England before his uncle moved with him to the States, but tea had always been a staple in their household. Uncle Stuart had always said that nothing put things better into perspective than a cup of tea. Neil wasn’t sure if that made any sense, but he had long since accepted the sentiment behind it.
Puttering around in his kitchen – it was fully equipped but he rarely ever took advantage of it – his thoughts automatically returned to the guy that had been stuck in his head for months now. With his soft looking blond hair, his warm, warm eyes, perfect, light skin, and those arms…
Groaning, Neil flipped through different flavors before deciding on green tea despite the late hour.
He had never been interested in anyone. It had always been the others that talked about their crushes, getting together with someone, even getting engaged in Matt and Dan’s case. It had never been Neil.
That’s why he understood why everyone was excited about this development – Neil couldn’t blame his friends, or even his followers. Objectively speaking, this was an absolute novelty. He could even understand why everyone felt the need to give him advice on what to do, since he was clearly at a loss.
That didn’t mean he appreciated the constant attention it got him, though.
At this point, all his live videos were flooded with questions about writer guy. Most of the comments under his YouTube videos were about the guy. And all his friends asked about any new developments within five minutes of meeting him.
It was exhausting.
He bet writer guy wouldn’t press Neil to talk about something he didn’t want to discuss.
Okay, stop. Neil had to stop inserting his assumptions about this stranger into everything.
Just because writer guy seemed quiet and considerate and really patient and super respectful…
Blinking a couple times, Neil tried to focus back on unwrapping the tea bag in his hands and putting it into the near-boiling water. What had he been thinking about?
Right. He wanted to stop thinking about this guy.
After throwing the tea bag into the trash, Neil made his way back through his living room to his office. It was a small room that only fit a massive desk with several screens, a comfy chair and a couple shelves along the walls for his equipment.
Deciding on leaving in the short story about buying new jeans and Kevin’s opinion on carbs, Neil quickly finished cutting today’s vlog – ending with him winning at miniature golf, obviously – and uploaded the file to YouTube.
Unsure if he wanted to do another vlog the next day – it would really just be an excuse to go to the café – he walked into his bedroom to check if he had enough clean clothes for his trip to Madrid in a couple days. He and the guys had all gotten tickets to the Champions League final and had decided to extend their stay to explore the city and surrounding region.
What if writer guy still wasn’t back by the time Neil had to leave for Spain? What if he had actually disappeared before they had a chance to talk?
Had Matt been right? What if Neil had been missing out on something good just because it had been new and overwhelming and had sometimes felt like a little bit too much.
Neil was surprised at how just the thought of never seeing writer guy again felt as if a heavy weight had settled on his chest, his heart rate picking up speed.
Taking several deep breaths, he tried to stop fidgeting with the strap of the duffle bag laying open on his bed and waited for his heart to calm down.
This was silly. There was no reason to be so… so… on edge.
Unable to focus on packing, he left his bedroom again and instead stepped onto his balcony. Sitting down, he leaned his forehead against the banister and watched the city slowly turning in for the night, windows going dark all around him.
Thoughts running a mile a minute through his head, it didn't matter what he tried telling himself. Surrounded by an ocean full of stars, all he could think about were strong, protecting arms.
And soft, blond hair.
And warm, honest eyes.
The night before had been shit. Neil had spent most of it tossing and turning, barely getting any sleep. He was barely aware what he was talking about as he walked into the café, before carelessly stuffing his camera into his pocket.
Trying not to get his hopes up, he slowly turned toward writer guy’s corner – to find warm, brown eyes already on him.
Before he had a chance to comprehend what was happening, writer guy’s eyes snapped to his laptop as if the eye contact had never happened.
It had happened, right?
Neil was so thrown off, he barely registered ordering and being handed his coffee.
Okay. This was the moment.
Last night, he had thought he might’ve missed his chance.
It had been so bad that, in the midst of his misery, he had spent a pathetically long time thinking about what it might feel like to hold writer guy’s hand.
Neil had never held anyone’s hand. More importantly, he had never wanted to.
These were truly strange times for Neil.
Taking a deep breath, he started making his way toward writer guy who was already focused back on his laptop.
Was it still okay to interrupt him?
Shut up, brain. This was happening. Neil was going to walk up to this guy after almost half a year and he would be funny and captivating, and the guy would be so impressed that he would ask Neil out, and then they wou–
“Hi, I’m Neil.”
Honestly, fuck Kevin for putting that in his head.
Standing next to writer guy, Neil’s mind was simultaneously completely blank and overflowing with random thoughts.
And the guy slowly lifting his eyes to meet Neil’s was not helping.
They were even prettier from up close.
Trying to compensate for the opening – and the guy’s silence – Neil started rambling while writer guy’s gaze flickered over his face before returning to his eyes.
“This will probably sound weird, but I’ve seen you here a couple times and, uhm, kind of wanted to come over. But you’ve always looked super focused on your work, so I didn’t want to interrupt.”
His lips looked really soft. Did lips always look soft?
Focus, Neil.
“So, since you seemed to not be completely in the zone yet, I thought, uhm, maybe now is my chance?”
Had he just laughed? He couldn’t remember. He started to feel slightly dizzy.
“So, I was wondering if I could join you for a coffee, maybe? If that sounds good? Unless you’re super busy, of course. Like, you can definitely say no.”
No one could ever find out about this. Was it too late to just walk away?
“You want to join me for coffee?”
Neil’s spiraling thoughts came to a hard stop at the deep voice. It was a bit raspy. And a lot incredulous.
“Yeah, definitely.” Neil felt as if he could breathe for the first time since he had stepped into the café. “So, yes or no?”
Please say yes.
“Yes.”
Wow.