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14th February 2017, 5.45 pm
So I ran. And ran. As fast as I could. I just ran.
I couldn’t remember why I had stopped, nor when. It must had been because of a wall, I guessed, because I was leaning against one. I must had fallen too during my run, multiple times, because my whole body was hurting.
But I couldn’t care less about the loud thumping of my heart against my ribcage, about the way the oxygen was entering and leaving my lungs way too quickly to be normal or about the crimson liquid pouring out of my knuckles, my knees, my elbows. I couldn’t even tell where did the physical pain come from. I briefly remembered tripping at the corner of the dark street, ripping open the fabric of my jeans and tainting them red –the expensive ones that my mother bought me for the special occasions. I briefly remembered the sting of roses’ thorns digging into the skin of my palm like needles, the flowers probably transfigured because of the pressure my hand had applied on them. Running, falling, and running again, because I needed to get away, so bad. Hurting myself had just been a logical part of the process.
But the pain wasn’t only physical; my mind was also aching in a whole new way, something I’d never felt before –heartbreak. The physical pain was nothing, almost laughable, compared to this one. What would I do of a brand new body if I had no healthy soul to put in it anyway? And at the moment mine was everything but healthy.
My mind was fussing and screaming, billions of thoughts coming from every parts of my brain at the same time. It was all too much. Heartbreak heartbreak heatbreak, you need to help this poor guy before he drowns in his own sadness. I couldn’t register them all; it was like my inner self was purposely pushing some away in order to make important things stand out. Some memories stood out. Some voices too. But his voice was definitely the loudest. The voice of that guy who had nothing more than me, apart from the luck of having caught you before I could, across one of the long corridors of our high-school.
“I love you”
I couldn’t remember his name. But I could still remember the way he’d pronounced yours.
“I love you so much, Jisung-ah.”
I couldn’t remember his face. But I could still remember the tone of his voice, clearly, too clearly, like I was still there. Hidden. He had sounded lovestruck . I knew it because my voice sounded the same each time I was talking to you.
“So please, give me a chance. Please…”
His begging. Almost the worst part. It had made me cringe so hard, even through my fear –I could still hear myself think about why I would even be scared, because I’d trusted you so much, always had. I guessed that even by then I had noticed that something was off.
“Please, I-I don’t think I could handle rejection…”
He’d sounded ridiculous, trying to convince you, but I was no one to judge, after all I was the same. A beggar for your attention. A beggar for your love. I would probably be in the same posture, if I’d had half the mind to look for you just after my last class ended; if I hadn’t been so slow. I should have thought that I probably wouldn’t be the only one after you; you were always so stunning after all, so flawless and lovable. I shouldn't have been surprised that other people would also want you the same I did. I should have listened to you when you had told me that I should join the high school track team with you, because I was "to slow for your standards". You had said it would be useful one day, you weren’t mistaken.
“I…”
I had put so much hope in this moment, this special moment, l’instant T. When you would finally let me hear that beautifully harmonized voice of yours. Soft like cotton candy, I had told you once, but sharp like the wind and deep like the ocean. I had always loved listening to it, feeling calm but warm waves coming out of these gorgeous heart-shaped lips, caressing my skin in the sweetest way. Oh yes, how much I had once loved this sound. I remembered the lullabies, when we were younger and I used to be afraid of everything, my fear being washed away by the simple sound of your singing voice. And I also remembered me wanting to catch it in my hands and put it in a little music box so as to listen to it forever –the first steps of me falling for you, now that I thought about it. I wanted to cherish these memories. But with me sitting on the cold asphalt, back against a hard wall and lips and hands trembling, I couldn’t help but want to erase them out of my mind. Because I could only remember the way my hope had turned into ashes when I had heard the next words you pronounced.
“I-I like you too… Of course I will give you a chance, y-you really thought I wouldn’t? Silly…”
But I couldn’t remember the way my shoulders had slumped down, I couldn’t remember the small steps I had taken so as to leave the building silently, I couldn’t even remember when the first tears had started to fall… I just ran.
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17th May 2023, 1.20 pm
I took a look at myself in the mirror. Not that bad.
I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known
My skin was pale, making me look like I was sick –which wasn’t that far from the truth to be honest. You could still see my cheekbones a bit too much, or the dark circles under my eyes, but what was new. I knew I looked like shit, and my friends were also used to it. Nobody would notice me more than usual, because they all knew. Poor poor little Minho, I could already hear them say.
Don’t know where it goes, but it’s home to me and I walk alone
I thought I looked nice. The tuxedo and the newly-dyed jet-black hair being for half of it –well ok maybe they were the only good points; but still, I looked half-decent, which equaled to good for me. A last look in the mirror and my phone started vibrating furiously on the sink. I already knew who was texting me. Of course he would, I was almost late. I just grabbed my cell phone and put it in my pocket, not bothering with it for the moment. I got out by the side door of my flat, not forgetting to lock it before running down the stairs. I cursed a few times when I realized that my tuxedo, that I had bought a few years ago, was a little bit loose around my waist and my thighs. I guessed I did lose a little bit of weight since the last time I’d worn it. I wasn’t planning on buying a new one though; it was useless, I knew I would make no use of it, not anymore. Once in the street I took a little bit of time to check my phone.
I walk this empty street on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
From Ji : you comin?please tell me you’re just late
Where the city sleeps, and I’m the only one and I walk alone
To Ji : omw. don’t worry I wont be late.
I walk alone, I walk alone
From Ji : you better get your skinny tuxedo clad butt at the church in less than 15 or I’ll hunt you down Mr Lee
I walk alone and I walk a
Fifteen minutes were way more than what I needed anyway. I knew by heart the way to the church, I could do it with my eyes closed and I still wouldn’t be late. This was my hometown after all, mine and Ji’s. We had spent our childhood here, together, cuddling at the square while eating strawberry ice-creams –me smiling at the way you would stuff your sweet cheeks, as always– when the sun was out, or holding hands while running down the main street when it rained, our clothes drenched & our bodies shivering, but your beautiful laugh wwarming up my whole soul. We had also spent most of our teenage hood here, in the local high-school, closer than ever… All these times you would beg me to skip class and go cuddle with you on the rooftop, the way you would sit on my lap & feed me at lunch, our friends giving us knowing looks... I really thought something was up back then you know ? I had so much hope.
This was the place where I had watched you growing up into the bright & lovable person you now were, and I could only remember the way the streets would light up each time you would flash that 8 millions watts smile.
This was the place where I had fallen for you. So hard.
I knew I shouldn’t be thinking about this right now, not today. I should just take my time walking down the street, enjoying the fresh wind of spring blowing on my face and through my black locks. Enjoying, right.
When was the last time I’d enjoyed something?
My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
Must had been a long time ago, because I couldn’t remember it. My memories were only full of sad and blurry days. A lost soul roaming without any aim, and depression as its only friend. Ugly, ugly depression, who was only there to make your shoulders feel ten-times heavier, and to glue that sticky sadness to your skin –making sure it wouldn’t come off no matter how much you tried to rub it off, even if it meant tainting your own skin red. Depression was a nasty friend, but at least she was there for me, every day. She had never left my side.
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
As much as I never wanted to get back to my old-days, I couldn’t help but feel familiar with them. They were, in some way, all that I had ever known. Being alone was all that I had ever known. Well at least it felt like it, because it had been so long. So long since I’d had someone by my side.
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
But today was different. I couldn’t feel that cold and unpleasant feeling weighing down my shoulders. I couldn’t feel those annoying tears that would usually prick my eyes for no particular reason. I felt light. I felt…happy. I knew that I would finally get what I’d always wanted. I wouldn’t walk alone anymore. A grin crept its way up my face, the corners of my lips twitching, my whole body tingling in excitement.
I couldn’t wait.
‘Til then I walk alone
All these years of waiting. Waiting for something, Waiting for someone. Waiting for you. Everything would have a sense today. My life would finally have a whole new meaning, and I knew that we would both be happy. Happier than ever.
My thoughts had taken away the boredom of a too common journey, and before I knew it I was in front of the church. I hadn’t been there since a long time, and I was glad to finally have an occasion to see the interior again. A quick look at my watch informed me that I had indeed made it in 7 minutes. It made me smile, even though I wasn’t going out as much as I did during my teenage days, I still remembered my hometown as the back of my hand. I could see Chan & Woojin at the stairs, waving at me. I calmly made my way over them, and I was soon pulled into a hug. Chan had always been overly affectionate with me. “You came!..” Arms curled around my waist, warmth going through my clothes; safety. “Of course I came! You really thought I wouldn’t? It’s the most important day of my life…” I muttered the last part, feeling embarrassed and, I guess, a little bit shy. I didn’t want them to know how nervous I was –but I was also happy as hell. Thankfully it seemed that neither of them heard it. “It’s just that you were so late,” continued Woojin, “we all thought that you had changed your mind, even Jisung…he was dead worried you know” I sighed and my eyes suddenly realized how interesting the floor was. I was wondering why Ji would think about something like this. “I know, he texted me. Look, I’m here. So let’s do this , ok?” I caught myself smiling a little as I said these words, raising my head to look at Chan. I could see the uncomfortable look into his eyes; pity, but I was so used to it anyway. “Are you sure?” It was like his whole body was asking me that question : his pleading eyes, his large hand on my shoulder, his low and comforting tone and his slight sad pout on his lips. Even the way Woojin was standing behind him seemed to say It’s ok, you don’t have to, we would understand. It wasn’t surprising for them to think that way. I probably would too if it was the other way around. But as much as I knew they were right, I couldn’t run away anymore. I had promised myself that I would stop walking. I was tired, so tired, I couldn’t walk anymore. Not alone. And today was the day I would stop.
“I am.”
So I walked up the stairs, and entered the church.
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6 pm
From Ji : hey. Chan-hyung said you left early. Is that why I couldn’t get a hold of you? you should have stayed a little bit more, I knew you were quite anxious but man! ur speech was amazing. and I wanted to thank you in person for coming. So now I need to do it through a simple text! Stupid hyung! >///<
So yeah, thank you Minho, it means so much to me, you don’t even know.
Thank you for being my best man.
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11.40 pm
That was it. The final. My final. Only mine, because it wasn’t like the world would stop walking after me –it’s not like you would. I did not expect you to anyway.
I’m walking down the line that divides me somewhere in my mind
You were happy, and you would be taken care of, that was all that I needed to know; that you didn’t need me. And even though that thought was hurting me, tearing my insides apart as pain was spreading into each parts of my already weak body, the wave of relief that I had felt during the ceremony couldn’t be ignored. I finally had the proof that you would be safe, forever. Because I had understood he loved you just the way I did. I didn’t have to worry about you ending in the same state as I was, heartbroken, falling apart –dying.
On the border line of the edge and where I walk alone
I had tried to tell you. Not today of course, I wasn’t that much of a jerk to ruin your wedding; but years ago, before I gave up. I had tried to make you understand that I couldn’t walk alone anymore. More than one time, when we were having coffee at the cute tea house down the street, every Wednesdays. Or during those parties at Hyunjin’s –maybe we were a little bit too drunk for that kind of confession, but at least it was just you and me, together. But you never understood, never listened. Always rejected the fault on alcohol, ‘confused friendship feelings’ or even on 'my tendency to make stupid and childish jokes', as you said. I guessed you never noticed that I had barely made any jokes for a long time already. I’d never understood how you could take all of this so lightly, like it meant nothing –like it wasn’t destroying me little by little. Maybe you didn’t care after all. Maybe you had never cared at all. Or maybe you were just totally oblivious.
Oblivious, oblivious Jisung
Whatever it was, whatever was your reason to make me suffer like that, it would cost you your best friend today. Because he was already too close to the edge of the roof.
Read between the lines what’s fucked up and everything’s alright
I had tried to suppress them, these feelings, so that we both could walk happily. I could blame you, I could hate you for being the culprit of my miserable life; but deep down I knew that I was the guilty one. My feelings, and only mine, were the ones behind all of this somehow. Those little devils that should have made me happy made me feel complete and like the luckiest man on earth only made my life a living hell. Every single day was just an endless loop that consisted of waking my frail body up to make it walk on burning embers, waiting limply for the next burn my poor broken heart would have to handle. If it weren’t for those stupid feelings; everything would have been much simpler. You wouldn’t have to lose me, and I wouldn’t have to stop walking.
Check my vital signs to know I’m still alive and I walk alone
Because deep down I didn’t want to stop, I didn’t want to stop walking –who would? I wanted to run after you, make it work, make you mine. Take your petite waist into my arms and press it against my warm torso, your heart pounding against mine. I would cry –something i rarely ever did, that was your job– my cheeks heating up but my tears cooling them down; and you would wipe them away, bringing your soft fingers up my face and caressing my cheekbones. Your hand would slowly make its way on the back of my neck, fingertips gently brushing against soft baby hair, and you would pull my face into your neck, my warm breath hitting your velvet skin, nine of us caring about the height difference. You would calmly whisper sweet nothings in my ear, your honey voice making my whole body shaking in delight. You would tell me how beautiful I was, ask desperately why I would even think about waiting so long, and mutter “I love you”s again and again, like a mantra. I would often dream about that, finally feeling complete, the empty space of my heart finally being fulfilled; and then I would woke up, body sweating in the sheets and on the verge of a panic attack; because it was so unfair. It was so unfair that I couldn’t have you the way I wanted. And I knew that somehow I should wake up from my sad daze and stand up for myself.
I walk alone and I walk alone
But it was so hard; alone, so tiring. And it had been so long, way too long. That was why I had to stop. You needed to understand me, Ji, I couldn’t go on like that. It was so painful. It felt like my mind was slowly shutting down; everything was grey, no feelings, no smells, no sounds, no aim, no nothing. Everything was screaming “death”. Was I already dead? That would explain a lot of things actually. However I was positive that pain was still a pretty ‘alive-characteristic’; meaning that I still had a little bit of work. Just a little bit more and the pain would finally vanish. There was nothing wrong about making the pain go away right? But of course I didn’t expect you to understand, how could you? You who had never been alone. Never since that day, six years ago.
I walk this empty street on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
This day. This day when you had taken my dream in your delicate and well-manicured hands, holding it close to your warm body and making it vibrate in hope. I had trusted you; put it myself in that place, because I had been sure that you could take good care of it, safely keeping it and, like an angel, making it come true. Never, not even a second, had I expected you to just take a sideway look at it, eyes shining in confusion, before just throwing it away, shattering it in billions of crystal tear –breaking my heart in the worst way. I had been walking alone since then, did you know? Crazy how the same words that made you embrace your soul mate also made your best friend’s life a living hell.
And the city sleeps, and I’m the only one and I walk a
I wanted to blame you; I wanted to blame you for my loneliness, for my bleeding heart. But how could I, when you didn’t know a thing –I was still asking myself how you could be that oblivious, when everyone else had noticed, even Felix; they had always ignored it, thinking that their pity was enough to make me feel better. It just made it worse, reminding me of how I wasn’t even able to fix myself, how pathetic I was. During a long time I had thought you were doing it on purpose, pushing the guilt away and closing your eyes every time you saw me drowning in sadness, so as to keep your sweet bubble of happiness safe from your responsibilities. Because I had thought you were the one that was supposed to put the broken pieces of my heart back together. Back then I had yet to realize that it would be selfish from me to expect you to save me. Asking you to walk with someone else than your right person would be the same as asking you to walk alone. And I would never ask you that. I loved you too much.
I was just not your right person.
My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
That was why it was the end; I just didn’t have any other solution. I’d always known I needed to fix myself alone. And I had failed at doing so.
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
During these six years, I gave up on everything. Everything but you. Just in case. But a few hours ago you had finally gave me the proof that I was the only one alone. I finally realized that you weren’t, and it hurt.
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
During these six years I had prayed. I’d prayed that you would finally see me, that you would see my pain, and that you would make it end. I needed it, because I knew that something bad would happen if you didn’t. But you were blinded, blinded by love.
‘Til then I walk alone
And I did. I walked alone.
But now it was time to stop. Because you would never walk with me.
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