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Sylvain had decided some time ago that he would cut the bullshit and court Felix, like a gentleman would.
He didn't want to just take him out, press him up against a wall, and let him fall for his wiles and charm, no. He wanted Felix to fall in love with him like they were honestly, truly in love. Sylvain had never felt this way about anyone - or anything. Before, he wanted to get in quick, get what he needed, and get out before they took too much of him with them. But with Felix, it was different. Something in him for a long time had burned for Felix, something intensely different. Something that kept his eyes forced open in the night, that filled his dreams when he finally succumbed to sleep. He couldn't do this the same way he did with women, because he always inevitably fucked that up anyway. He desperately, deeply did not want to do that with Felix.
He had come to the training yard, where Felix always was, watching him spin and cut at a dummy. He was so beautiful: the sweat beading on his face and collecting at his neck, his long and nimble legs moving this way and that, his navy hair pulled back tight but threatening to burst free from its binds from the sheer force of each swing. Sylvain watched, silently, as he finished and made direct eye contact.
"What."
Sylvain's hands found their usual place behind his head, offering a smile to his friend. "Not even a hello?"
Felix rolled his eyes and hung the sword back up on the rack, his hands pushing back loose strands of hair that had fallen from his bun. "You only come here when you want something. What do you want." Always so direct, so sharp.
Sylvain frowned and leaned in a bit, bringing their gaze a hair closer. "I just wanted to come by and cheer you on. See if you were doing anything tonight."
"I am."
Sylvain's brow quirked. "Really?"
"Yes, Sylvain. Go find a girl to fill your time." He pushed by and left the grounds, giving Sylvain no time to respond.
This was going to be so much harder than he had hoped. He knew that would be the case, Felix was not like any other girl. Felix was rough, short tempered, and completely uninterested. At least when he was out seducing women, they thought he was attractive enough to listen to. Felix was completely immune to his dashing good looks, which only made Sylvain want to try harder. Sylvain turned and jogged after Felix, deciding to give it another go. If anything, he could just be persistent as hell until Felix gave up and lowered his walls a fraction. Maybe that would be enough for him to weasel in and find some emotional purchase to hold on to.
"Felix, wait up!"
The footsteps slowed and stopped, Sylvain now standing behind him. He took a moment to catch his breath, leaning against the wall and pushing a hand through his hair as if he wasn't literally chasing after the man he was in love with. "What's going on, Fe? You know you can talk to me."
Felix remained painfully silent. Sylvain could count the seconds in his head, wishing he would at least tell him off instead of leaving him with his thoughts. Felix did not turn to face him, but Sylvain could see his knuckles turning white. He went to put a hand on his shoulder, to soothe his rage at something, probably him - but Felix batted it away. "I'm sick of you bothering me. I told you to leave."
Every word stuck in Sylvain's chest like an arrow digging into his sensitive flesh. "Why don't you trust me?" His words were small, hurt. He only wanted to show Felix a good time, to make him feel loved, yet Felix wanted nothing to do with him. It only made him feel more worthless. Felix finally turned to face him, his anger not stifled by the obvious hurt on Sylvain's face.
"How can I trust you, Sylvain? How can I not see your nature and think you only want to do something - something -"
"Bad?" Sylvain now felt like the wall he had been casually leaning against was the only thing holding him upright. Felix was right, he knew he was right. He was bad news for anyone close to him. Maybe he should just leave. But his stupid heart kept his feet rooted in place, as if he could smooth talk the man who knew almost everything about him. "You're right, I know. But I was hoping this could be different." He slipped his hands around one of Felix's, and for a blessed moment, he kept it there. Felix's hand, still hot from gripping a sword too tight, felt like the sun against his palms. Felix kept his eyes on the ground as he gingerly slipped his hand free.
"Just go already." His words were tired, strained. Sylvain wanted to hold him against his chest, let him feel his pounding heartbeat, let him know just how crazy he was about him.
"Not until you agree to come out with me tonight. We'll just go to the docks, you and me. Doesn't that sound nice?"
"I told you, I'm busy." Felix's voice had lowered and his gaze was hard on the ground. Sylvain pursed his lips.
"With what?"
"Petra agreed to spar with me tonight and teach me Brigidian hunting techniques. I'm not passing that up solely because you couldn't find a girl to drag home tonight." The voices in Sylvain's head drowned out Felix's excuse, replacing the words with how he wasn't good enough, too damaged, unlovable. He left without another word, his eyes glazed over.
He soon found himself outside a bar, kissing a woman he had never met and hiking her leg up against his waist. He pulled from the kiss and looked at her, hungry and desperate to fill the hole in his chest. "It must have been fate that brought you here …" The same tired phrase he used on every woman he brought to his room, but for some reason it had always sealed the deal for him. His hands were in her hair, bed sheets tangled up in her fists, and Sylvain wished she could be someone else. Before the sun rose, he told her to get out and never come back.
---
Felix woke the same way he did most days - to the muffled yelling and the sound of things breaking in Sylvain's room. He groaned and pulled the covers over himself, wishing it would drown out the noise around him. Every time Sylvain brought home some stranger to make himself feel better, it made Felix more bitter. Sylvain should have known since the beginning that he loved him deeply, so deeply, but he could never say it. He refused to confess while the man was out stealing away women and spiraling his life into oblivion.
Yesterday he had been so close. He had seen the hurt in Sylvain's eyes and thought maybe he needed to say something. But his own fear got the better of him, like it always did. At least Sylvain was upfront with him, Felix was just a coward. He didn't want to become another woman cast from Sylvain's room, screaming and throwing debris. He was too awake and too upset to get back to sleep, so off to the training yard he went. Smacking a dummy around for the thousandth time would make him feel better, it always calmed the raging heat in him. He got into his familiar rhythm, practicing stances and movements, when a familiar face came to visit again.
Sylvain.
He wouldn't address him, they both already knew how frustrating the morning after a typical break up went. He had something strapped to his waist, which caught Felix's eye. He finished his swing and held the practice sword on his shoulders, turning to take a look at the other man. He had a sword of all things strapped to his belt. He tilted his head as Sylvain came up to him, unhooking the sword and holding the weapon with a grin.
"I thought I might sweeten the deal a bit." He popped the sword out of its sheath a few inches, the razor sharp steel glinting against the light. Felix's eyes widened as he took the sword, unsheathing it fully.
"This is a highly enforced killing edge. How did you get this?"
"I have my ways." He looked smug, tapping his cheek expectedly. "Don't I get a reward?" Felix rolled his eyes and held the sword, swinging it through the air a few times and relishing the whistle of the fast blade cutting through the air.
"Thank you, Sylvain. Is this some sort of bargaining chip to make me come see you?"
"Very perceptive!" Sylvain was all teeth, grinning big as he nervously messed with his hair. "I mean, you can just keep it, but if it made you any more likely to come spend a little one on one time with me, I wouldn't mind." Felix shrugged.
"Fine. The docks?"
Sylvain nodded, the excitement on his face almost infectious. Felix clipped the new sword to his belt and left him there, wanting to collect himself. Tonight. The docks. This was a terrible idea.
Felix approached the docks in his usual clothes, spotting Sylvain with a plate on his lap and a fish split down the middle adorning it. Felix sat down on the bench next to him, feeling too close, and looked at the meal in front of them. It was descaled, but the head remained for decoration - it was a lovely shade of white, tinged brown at the sides with the split filled with a variety of pungent spices.
"I asked Dedue to help me make something. Well, I asked him and watched. He's really good at cooking!" Sylvain sounded practically giddy as he described the process. Felix didn't bother with a response, grabbing a fork and pulling at a piece of the fish. It tore easily, popping the piece in his mouth and nodding.
"It's very good."
"I know, right?" Sylvain already had a fork in hand as he took another bite, his free arm resting on the back of the bench, centimeters from ghosting along Felix's shoulders. The two ate in silence, the waters of the lake in front of them lapping against the strong wood of the dock. A few cats had wandered by and mewed for a few morsels, and Felix couldn't help himself from tossing them a few pieces. Sylvain laughed and rested a head on his shoulder.
"Isn't this nice?"
Felix took another piece on his fork, eyes out on the waters. "I already told you the fish was good." Sylvain just laughed, the fork leaving his hand and ever so carefully sneaking to Felix's leg. The plate teetered dangerously on his lap, threatening to dump the remainder of their shared meal on the ground. As soon as the hand made contact with his leg, Felix shot up and pushed Sylvain back, the plate falling to the ground and shattering. A few gulls and cats jumped out to fight over the fish, Felix's eyes trained dangerously on Sylvain.
"Do you think this is some sort of game?" Sylvain's eyes widened, his heart ripping in his chest as the word wrong played on rang loud in his head. "Am I just another girl to you?" Sylvain tried to find the words to apologize, tried to gather himself, standing up slowly and hoping he didn't collapse under his own weight.
"No, Felix, please -"
"Sylvain you just don't fucking get it, do you?" Felix was on him in an instant, yanking him down by his collar so they were eye level, his teeth bared and his chest heaving. "I am not a prize to be won! I am not your arm candy to cavort around the Manor of Faerghus with! Stop doing this, just leave me alone!" He threw Sylvain back and stormed off, the thought of his hand on his thigh burned into his brain until the end of time. Sylvain, dazed and on the ground, decided maybe Felix was right.
"It must have been fate," he murmured against the neck of a woman he had found, clawing up his back and leaving bright red marks in her wake. It must have been fate, and not the love of his life, sending him into yet another spiral for spurning his advances. Fate, and not rejection. Fate, and not emptiness.
---
Felix was awoken much earlier than usual, as this woman thought it necessary to scream while she was with Sylvain. He had kicked the wall between them, but found it had not solved anything and instead made them both even louder. Felix left his room, possibly to go kick down Sylvain's door and sort this out himself, and found Ingrid, bleary eyed and hair a mess, sitting outside with a blanket around her.
"What are you doing."
"Hoping when this next girl storms out, I can shake Sylvain out of whatever depression he is in and stop this madness from permanently ruining my sleep schedule." She rubbed at her eyes with the heel of her hand, grumbling to herself. Felix folded his arms and stared at the door, moans and loud noises filling the usual silence.
"He'll never change. It's pointless to even try."
"Maybe," she admitted, sitting up and pulling the blanket closer. "But I care about him too much to let him keep doing this. Or maybe I care about sleeping too much. Either way, this has to stop." She turned to face Felix. "What happened?"
Felix looked straight past Ingrid. "I told him to leave me alone. He has been tailing me for the past few days and I am sick of it." Ingrid frowned, moving closer to her oldest friend.
"So he's upset you won't talk to him?"
"He's upset I won't sublimate myself to him. Fool." Ingrid groaned and got up, her gaze hard on Felix.
"So you said something dumb and angry, and now he's bringing home three different girls a night to keep us all awake? Sounds really smart, Felix!" Felix responded with a snarl, baring his teeth at her.
"And what do you think I should do, hm? Enter his outstretched arms, take in every fantasy I have ever dreamed of, only for him to decide on a whim I was using him? That for some reason my feelings are wrong? Don't take me for the same kind of fool he is, Ingrid! I may not talk about my emotions, but I'm not about to throw them at his feet!"
"God, you are both ridiculous! If you just used your words, none of this would happen!" Their foreheads were practically touching, the air tense between them. Felix pulled back and balled his fists at his side.
"I'm not about to take advice from you. As if you understand what I'm dealing with."
"I understand better than anyone, idiot! You think I don't know what it's like to regret being in love?"
"Shut up!"
"No!" Without thinking, she sent a fist into Felix's face, causing him to stumble backwards. His hand flew up to his bloodied nose, Ingrid's eyes hard as her fist unclenched, falling to her side. "You two need to fucking talk, or I'll deal with you both myself. I can't sleep through another night of this." She turned on her heel and shuffled back to her room, Felix shaking himself from his daze.
---
Sylvain was frozen in place as he heard Ingrid and Felix fighting outside his room. The woman who he had brought home, her name escaping him, was sitting against the wall his bed was up against, wrapped in his blankets and looking confused. "What's happening out there?" Sylvain ignored her, making sure he was decently dressed and moving to the door. She made a noise of complaint and he turned around and shot her a look, shutting her up.
"And what do you think I should do, hm? Enter his outstretched arms, take in every fantasy I have ever dreamed of, only for him to decide on a whim I was using him? That for some reason my feelings are wrong? Don't take me for the same kind of fool he is, Ingrid! I may not talk about my emotions, but I'm not about to throw them at his feet!"
Sylvain pressed his forehead against the door and tried not to cry. Goddess, he really felt something for him? He was scared, of course he was scared. Sylvain was a mess and didn't know how to cope with being in love with someone he thought would never reciprocate. His breath caught as he heard the punch connect, wincing to himself. Ingrid was not afraid to go after either of them when they were being idiots. But what she said before the punch made his legs shake.
"You think I don't know what it's like to regret being in love?"
Regret. Felix must hate being in love with him. He must detest Sylvain with every fiber of his being, for being such a terrible person. And he should. He turned back to the woman on his bed and said in a harsh whisper, "Stay put."
He pushed the door open, his pants half buttoned and his hair mussed, covered in scratch and bite marks, to see Felix grumbling over a bloody nose. Felix's eyes snapped up to see him and narrowed. "Already done?"
"Please tell me you weren't kidding." His voice quivered and he tried not to hate himself, tried to sound strong.
"About what, not wanting to sublimate myself? No, that is not a joke. You are a fool and I refuse to have to lower myself to a fool." Sylvain huffed and cornered him, two hands pressed against the wall Felix was pressed up against.
"I have loved you my whole damn life, Felix." His cheeks stung with tears as Felix's eyes widened. "All I ever wanted was you." Sylvain's words were quiet, but he could have screamed it into Felix's ears and it would have sounded the same. He tried to push at one of his arms but couldn't find the strength to move him. Sylvain's arms shook as he hung his head. "I just wanted to feel something, anything. I'm sorry. I really fucked up, huh."
Felix swallowed and looked up at Sylvain, eyes red and his neck covered in marks from who knows how many women. It made Felix hurt worse than any weapon had. "I have … cared about you for as long as I can remember. Seeing you flirt, seeing women on your arm, seeing your stupid face. All of it just made me angrier that you weren't mine." He had to look away, he couldn't stand his face anymore. Sylvain's forearms were now against the wall, their bodies even closer.
"I didn't know." He spoke in a shaky whisper, hoping the waterworks had quelled somewhat. The hurt on Felix's face made him hate himself so much, hate himself for doing things like this, made him want to run back and hide with the nameless woman waiting for him on his bed. Felix looked so small slotted between his arms, and he wanted to hold him so bad. To touch him, to kiss him, to wipe both of their pains away. But he knew he wasn't worthy.
"You need to stop doing this, Syl."
"Doing what?"
Felix gestured at the door as best he could, Sylvain's bare chest in the way. "That."
Sylvain could only manage a hollow laugh. "Can't teach an old dog new tricks, Fe-" He was immediately silenced as Felix tangled a hand in his shock of red hair, yanking him down to eye level.
"You need to stop doing this." He spoke through his teeth, the anger in his tone making Sylvain feel stupid and terrible. Sylvain licked at his lips, mouth dry, as he stared at Felix's mouth.
"Or what? You'll punish me? Tell me I'm being bad?"
Felix brought a foot up to Sylvain's chest and pushed him hard, causing him to stagger and back up against the door to his room. Felix was rolling up his sleeves, the blood on his face now dried above his cupid's bow. He thumbed it away as his sneer cause it to chip. "Would it kill you to take anything seriously?" Sylvain thought he was going to have to dodge a punch, but what happened next made his head spin.
Felix pulled him down into a kiss, a hand tight on his shoulder and the other balled into a fist at his side. When the kiss ended, Felix pulled away and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "No more. If we are figuring this out, your hunting missions end tonight." Sylvain just nodded, the kiss playing back in his brain on a loop.
The next day, Felix was at the training yard again. As always. Felix was whacking away at the training dummy, his movements nimble but forceful. Sylvain leaned back against a wall at watched. As always. Felix stopped and looked at him, a frown appearing on his face.
"What."
"Still no hello? Even for me?" Sylvain approached him, trying to smile as he felt his idea for letting Felix down hurt more at every step.
"What do you want."
"I want to talk. Like, actually talk." Felix turned to face him, Sylvain taking his hands in both of his and turning them over. "Please?"
Felix snapped his hand back and fell into a sitting position on the dirt, the sword on his belt tugging uncomfortably. "Fine." Sylvain cautiously sat in front of him, praying his tongue wouldn't turn to lead.
"Maybe this is a bad idea."
Felix's face twisted and went dark, and Sylvain swore he was going to get cut down right then and there. "Oh no you fucking don't." And Felix lurched forward, pinning Sylvain to the ground with his wrists above his head and a murderous look in his eyes. "I'm not hearing this same old story about how much of an insatiable fool you are and how you can't keep yourself in your fucking pants for a second because something good happens and-" Felix was babbling, he knew he was. Sylvain watched his body shake above him and his insides screamed.
"I don't want to hurt you-"
"We are well past that, Sylvain." His words are ice cold, his eyes burning into the back of his skull. "I have decided I am done being hurt by you. We both have these stupid feelings, we are going to do something right. For once." Sylvain stared up at Felix, his best friend, chest heaving and on the verge of tears as he straddled his chest and held him hostage. He went lax in the other man's grip.
"Come here." Felix obeyed, leaning in as Sylvain met his lips, kissing him slow and sweet. Felix was all teeth, biting at his lower lip and pushing his tongue in to get a better taste. Sylvain moaned so sweetly as they parted, spit gathering at the edge of Felix's lips. "I can try."
"Okay." And that was what pushed Felix over the edge, the tears he had been fighting back now clinging for dear life on long lashes. His grip had loosened enough for Sylvain to sit up and embrace him, pressing kisses all over his head.
"Shh, no more tears." He spoke into Felix's hair, mimicking all the times he used to say those words when they were children. Felix didn't look up, sniffling too loud and clutching the back of his shirt tight.
It must have been fate that brought them together like this, his mind thought. It must have been fate for Felix to declare his love for him outside his room loud enough for Sylvain to hear, it must have been fate that brought their lips together, ending the years of nothing but blackness filling his chest. It must have been fate that they sat on the training grounds, Felix held by the man he has loved for an eternity, choking back sobs and taking in what was finally, finally his.