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Every part of Bobbie ached as she stared upwards and tried to remember where she was. Dread grew in her stomach as she saw flurries of red snow falling in the glow of Jupiter and the battle raging above her. She turned her head to the side, pain shooting down her spine as her brain sluggishly processed what she saw. There were pieces of her squad strewn across the moon's surface. Travis's trigger finger still twitched, arm separated from his torso. She found Hilly's lifeless eyes, the blonde mouthing a word that Bobbie couldn't make out as she let out a sob.
She laid there, paralyzed, and heard footsteps come closer and closer. All her instincts screamed that she needed to move but everything was so heavy and hurt so much. Something was next to her head and then the teal-sari-clad woman who knelt beside her body floated into her vision. The woman, the one from the hearing, the one from the beach, shoved a data pad at her. She squinted and made out the form of a monster. She noticed the woman - Avasarala, she vaguely remembered - wasn't wearing a vac suit. "What?" Bobbie asked, confused.
The woman quirked her lips. She spoke in that voice that Bobbie couldn't believe came from someone as small as her. "Hell is empty and all the devils are here."
Bobbie saw the blue glow behind Avasarala. She wanted to warn her but found herself weighed down, feeling like she was pulling multiple Gs. She let out a sound of pure panic, muffled by the crushing weight. Sharp blue fingers stuck out of Avasarala's chest, blood dribbled out of her mouth, her eyes wide open in surprise.
The blue monster let Avasarala's body collapse next to Bobbie's. It climbed over Bobbie's body and caressed her helmet. Bobbie whimpered, still frozen. Its eyes glowed as that horrible mouth opened and it hissed, "Failure."
Bobbie woke up with a gasp. Earth's gravity combined with the darkness and her racing heart disoriented her until she remembered that she was in a room at the Martian Embassy. She focused on calming her breathing. She hadn't had a full night's sleep since Ganymede. And she probably wouldn't be getting anymore tonight.
After several moments, she was calm enough to assess her situation. She needed answers and needed to know if Avasarala was right. Avasarala was a politician and an Earther, inherently untrustworthy. But she had been the only one in that room who had tried to find out the truth of what happened. Mars had asked Bobbie to lie and there had to be a good reason.
Bobbie shook her head. She was a Marine and she followed orders. But then she remembered Hillman and Travis and Sa'id. They and their families deserved answers. But was this merely a way to excuse her own failures? She should have saved them.
She checked the time. 0418. She needed to move. It was no good to sit here and chase her own thoughts. She made her way to the door and found that she was still locked in. She went to the window. "Clear," she commanded it. Since she was awake, she might as well see a sunrise on Earth. The sun was so much closer and brighter here. She left for Mars in a few hours.
She lowered herself to the floor and began to do sit ups. She needed the truth.
*
Bobbie was thinking about the many ways she could kill the two UN intelligence officers debriefing her. It would be easy. She'd reach out and slam the head of the woman questioning her on the table. She was pretty sure that the man wouldn't react, as he was preoccupied with her chest. The UN Marine guarding the door, however, would give her a challenge but she was getting to the point where she would take it up if it meant that she could stop endlessly retelling the events on Ganymede moment by moment.
"How many UN Marines did you see?" The woman across the table asked her.
Bobbie uncrossed her arms and leaned forward. "Look, I gave you the information Captain Martens had. I've gone over the events on Ganymede at least six times. Going over the same things over and over will not stop that thing that killed all those marines!"
"Now, Sargent Draper - "
Why couldn't they understand the danger it presented? "We need to find a way to stop it!"
"She's right, you know." Every head in the room turned toward Chrisjen Avasarala standing in the doorway. "We do need a way to stop it. Which we're not going to find by depriving Sargent Draper of supper."
"Ma'am - "
"Get the fuck out of here so she can eat." Bobbie made a soft sound of surprise. It amused her to see the woman who looked like she was part of the upper crust of Earth's society use the same language as her former drill sergeant.
The male intelligence officer made a placating gesture at Avasarala. "Ma'am, we can't leave you alone with - "
Avasarala turned her head toward him and glared. "Get the fuck out before I get you reassigned to sewage reclamation." The intelligence officers and the marine quickly left.
Avasarala sat down at the table opposite Bobbie and waved in an aide carrying food trays. "If you kill me, I'll look fucking foolish."
Bobbie smiled. "Wouldn't want that." She hadn't realized how hungry she was until she smelled the food that was placed in front of her.
"It's nothing fancy," Avasarala said with a gentle smile. "A lentil soup and some flatbread. The closest to Martian fare we have here at the UN."
"No knife or fork to kill you with either."
"There was that consideration."
“Wouldn’t need them.” Bobbie paused and ripped off a section of the flatbread and dipped it into the soup. ”So does that make you the good cop? The one who brings me food and rescues me from endless questioning?"
Avasarala chuckled. "It's been a long time since anyone considered me the good cop."
"So you're just eating a meal with me out of the goodness of your heart?"
"No. I wanted some fucking peace and quiet and a break from men looking at me like I'm going to kill their puppy."
Bobbie was going to ask about that but she figured that Avasarala looked about as sick of questions as she felt herself. Her stomach rumbled and she turned her attention toward eating. The food was good and warm but tasted slightly off from what she was used to on Mars.
The two women ate in silence, which suited Bobbie. The enormity of what she had done was starting to sink in now that she was no longer constantly reacting to events. Her life, which had had order and structure and purpose in the marines, no longer did. She was all alone on a planet that she thought she'd only see in a military invasion, far away from family and friends.
Avasarala set her spoon down and wiped at her mouth with her napkin. "Tomorrow, I have a meeting that could possibly shutter Project Caliban. I'd like you to come, Sargent Draper."
"I told you, you shouldn't call me that."
"Do you really think that you're less of a soldier for bringing information to light that will save lives?" Avasarala shook her head. "What this has taught me, what Eros has taught me, is that we're all in this shit together. Now, would you like to help me?"
"If it'll stop that thing, I'll help."
"Good. Meet me in my office, tomorrow at 0900. Li will take you to your quarters now. You should find anything you need but if there's something missing, let her know." She waved in the aide as she made her way out of the interrogation room.
Bobbie still wasn't sure what to make of Avasarala, other than to know that she had a formidable talent to get others to do what she wanted, including Bobbie. On the other hand, she seemed to be the only one interested in stopping the deadly monster. Everyone else in that ostentatious room Avasarala questioned her in seemed to want to bury the truth. She wondered what the other woman was sacrificing in her pursuit to stop the blue monster.
*
Bobbie looked out over the ocean and was struck by awe. She had never seen so much water before and still it stretched outward as far as she could see. It smelled horrible and reminded her of a recycler. But she found she didn't care as she took in the rhythmic sound of the waves lapping the beach and as the setting sun warmed her face. She felt her shoulders relax for the first time in a long time. It was so beautiful.
In a flash, the sun turned into Jupiter and the sky around her went dark. She could still hear the ocean through her helmet and feel the sand under her feet. She stepped closer to the ocean, and noticed waves tinged red with blood. Startled, Bobbie stepped back, her breath coming quicker, fogging her helmet's face plate.
She tripped over something behind her, falling onto the sand, now tacky with spilled blood. She muffled a cry when she realized it was Hillman's torso in her armor. Bobbie scrambled up and started to run along the water. The beach was littered with corpses - Travis floated face down in the ocean, Sa'id on his back, staring lifeless toward the sky, Nico clutching Bobbie's Osteo-X in his hand. On and on - Admiral Peña, Defense Minister Korshunov, the UN Secretary General.
She ran on, heedless of the burning in her lungs and the tears running down her face. She saw a faint glimmer ahead of her. "No, no, no, no, no," she cried out as she ran toward it. She knew of only one Earther whose clothing and jewelry shimmered like that.
She fell on her knees next to Avasarala, using her hands to try to staunch the flow of blood from where claws had ripped her throat out. "Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, wake up. You have to - we have to - stop this. We were going to stop this!"
Avasarala's head swiveled toward Bobbie, her eyes filled with disappointment. "Traitor," she whispered.
Bobbie pulled away from her as Avasarala's body began to glow blue. "Failure," she rasped out.
Bobbie sat up in her bed with a shout and then buried her head in her hands. She was so sick of these fucking nightmares. The shrink she was ordered to see before she left for Earth had told her that they would probably continue until she dealt with the trauma. But the way for her to deal with the trauma was to stop that thing.
Bobbie focused on calming her breathing and then began the process of sorting out who was dead and who was living. Avasarala was still living and they were going to stop the monster in the morning.
Bobbie knew that she wasn't going to sleep anymore this night. She lowered herself from the bed to floor in her nondescript room on UN grounds and started doing push ups.
*
A half hour after leaving Earth's atmosphere, Cotyar grumbled about needing some rest before walking into a trap and fell asleep, despite the awkward angle of the chair. Bobbie had expected Avasarala to relax or to lose herself in her work, but she remained stiffly in her seat, hands gripping the armrests tightly. It amused Bobbie that this woman who seemed absolutely fearless, who had made some of the most powerful Martians bow to her authority, was afraid of space, something Martian children became acquainted with very early in life.
The transport gave a small shudder. Avasarala gasped and clutched the seat until her knuckles turned white. "Maybe you can tell me what you find so amusing to take my mind off of how only these thin walls keep me from the vacuum of space."
She had been caught. She considered coming up with a white lie, but thought that Avasarala wouldn't appreciate bullshit. "I didn't think that you'd be afraid of a fairly routine trip."
"I'm not afraid. I'm . . . apprehensive."
"All right. What makes you so apprehensive?"
Avasarala swallowed hard. "That's a story for another time. Talk to me, help me get my mind off of this fucking tin can."
"Fine. Do you think we're walking into a trap?"
"Not that. Something else."
Bobbie rolled her eyes. "What do you want me to talk about?"
Avasarala loosened her grip on the armrests. "Tell me about Mars."
"I doubt you have a shortage of information."
"No, I don't. But it's told to me by people who see Mars as a threat, who want to persuade me that we should or shouldn't go to war. I had a friend who learned to love Mars as an adult, but he's gone. Tell me about Mars from a perspective of someone who has loved it from birth."
"Anything in particular you're interested in?"
Avasarala leaned back into the seat and gave Bobbie a weak smile. "Tell me what a young Bobbie Draper did to have fun, to rebel."
"What makes you think I rebelled?"
"You're sitting here, aren't you?"
Bobbie sat for a few moments and thought. "At times, Mars feels like a small town, one that monitors your every move. As kids, we learned the best way to get away from our parents was to escape the tunnels and spend time on the surface. But that requires a helmet and a suit, which is fine but restricts what you can do. Can't really eat or drink or make out with someone with a helmet on.
"In secondary school, a few of us found some of the abandoned original tunnels. No cameras, no sensors. We could have died if something went wrong, but that just made it more fun. We'd store booze there, whatever we could con older siblings into getting us, bottles from the Belt our parents brought back from tours and tried once and forgot, and god, these two girls had part time jobs in the gardens and tried to make homemade hooch. I've never been so sick in my life.
"My friend Wei was a complete music nerd and had jury-rigged a sound system. He collected music from all over the system - hip hop from Eros, dance music from Tycho, this weird experimental shit that combined radio waves of stars and beats from Ceres, Martian rock, Earth pop. We'd bring take out food and weed - the two garden girls again. We'd dance, drink, smoke, have all our teenage drama, pair off and sneak off into darker portions of the tunnels.
"One night, right after finals, after the drinking and the dancing and everything, my friends - Malee and Josie - we put on our helmets and suits and went to the surface. It was early morning and the sun was rising. It's not as bright as on Earth but to watch the sky go from blue to red as the sun rises and to do that with my two best friends and to know I had a few weeks of freedom, it made me feel invincible.
Not much of a rebellion, though."
Avasarala had relinquished her grip on the arm rests and gave Bobbie a crooked smile. "You were saving that for now."
Bobbie didn't want to think about that. "What about you? What did you do when you were young and rebellious on Earth?"
"Oh, that's easy. After my first semester at university, I came home and a young man that I had not paid much attention to before noticed my tendency to keep late nights. Somehow, he eluded security - maybe they were lax or just had pity on a lovesick boy - and he would climb the tree near my room, sit outside my window and talk to me, and sometimes read me the poetry he was studying. After the first week, I would sneak him through the window to my room, and the night before I returned to university, I had to sneak him out the window before the rest of the household woke up."
"And did you ever seen him again?"
"Of course. He's my husband."
"I don't know if that counts as a rebellion though."
Avasarala shrugged. "Fine. But I'm not telling you another fucking story."
Bobbie smiled and shook her head. It wasn't something she expected to learn about Avasarala and she half wondered if it was something the other woman was using to manipulate her.
"Sargent Draper, if Cotyar's right, if this is a trap, I need you to get the truth out no matter what. Do you understand me?" Avasarala leaned forward and stared intently at Bobbie.
"Yes, ma'am. I do."
*
Bobbie stared up at the ceiling of her quarters on the Rocinante from the top bunk. With the events of the past day or so - she had lost track of the hours between the assassination attempt on Avasarala and their flight on the Razorback - she should have no troubles sleeping. But when she tried to close her eyes, she was back on the racer ship, watching the UN ship get closer on the screen.
On the transport, she had no clue that she would put her body between Avasarala and a gun. But in the moment their eyes had met when Avasarala's protégé had betrayed her, she knew that she would help this woman. They both had been betrayed by people and institutions they trusted which had left them for dead. And she was going to make sure they both survived.
She rolled on her side, hoping maybe a change of position would let her sleep. She then heard a whimper followed by a moan below her. "Ma'am, are you OK?"
Her question was met with another moan. Bobbie scrambled from her bunk to Avasarala's. "Ma'am?" Worried that Avasarala may be suffering adverse effects from her brain bleed, she leaned over and shook her shoulder. "Ma'am, are you OK? Chrisjen?"
"I'm fine, Bobbie, I'm fine." Avasarala sat up. "Just bad dreams."
Bobbie gave her shoulder a sympathetic squeeze. "I'll get you some water." Bobbie rummaged around in the storage space in the room, allowing Avasarala some time to compose herself. When she found a bulb containing water, she brought it over to the bed.
"Thank you," Avasarala said, grasping the bulb and drinking most of it. "I feel like a fucking four year old. I used to do this when my children had nightmares." She patted the space next to her on the mattress. "Come sit."
Bobbie managed to get her frame into the lower bunk and Avasarala leaned into her side. Bobbie had noticed that Avasarala had become more tactile in the time she knew her. She had fiercely gripped Bobbie's arm and waist during the standoff on Mao's ship and had held her hand in the infirmary. Bobbie found solidarity in her touch at the time, something that had surprised her. Now she found comfort and connection as she moved closer to the other woman. It was a reminder she wasn't alone in the universe. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really," Avasarala replied. "But I should. It was the usual mix of blood and low gravity and fighting to breathe that stems from an incident earlier in my career.
"I was mediating a labor dispute between the refinery workers on Pallas and whatever corporation owned it at the time. Tensions were high and the OPA was making inroads with the workers as the working conditions were frighteningly dangerous and the pay was shit. There was an explosion and I was hit with shrapnel.
"Things get a little fuzzy after that. I remember incredible, searing pain followed by coldness. I remember looking at the floor of the shuttle rushing us to the Tanaka and I saw blood everywhere and realized that it was mine. I was clutching the arm of some poor green kid right out of the Academy and begging him to let me talk to my husband and my children before I died. I remember the worry in my family's eyes when I was final able to see them and that was almost as painful as the injury.
"That's why I fucking hate shuttles. Now, thanks to Mao and Errinwright, I have even more space travel horrors to fuel my nightmares." She shuddered.
Bobbie took Avasarala's hand in her own. "I've been having nightmares lately, too."
Avasarala rested her head against Bobbie's shoulder. "How do you get back to sleep?"
"I don't. Or I do pushups until I'm exhausted enough to fall asleep again."
She felt Avasarala grimace against her shoulder.
"If you want, I can teach you some squats that will help."
"Despite what you think, I am not old and out of shape."
Bobbie chuckled. "Of course not. But doing them will make your readjustment back to Earth's gravity easier when you get back." She squeezed the other woman's hand. "And you will get back to Earth."
Avasarala sighed loudly. "When you put it like that, how can I refuse?"
Bobbie grinned and pulled Avasarala and herself out of the bunk. "Great! Once these guys give us access to the ship's gym, I can set up a complete workout for you."
Avasarala held up her hands. "Let's not get too ahead of ourselves. Now what do you want me to do?"
Bobbie demonstrated and then stood behind Avasarala, adjusted her posture and guided her through the first one, hands on her waist. Bobbie stepped away and Avasarala did another one. "That's not too bad," she said.
"Just fifteen more," Bobbie said with a grin. "Then we'll look for something to use as a weight and do some more reps."
"Fuck you, Bobbie Draper."
"I'll do them with you. And you'll thank me when you get back home."
"We'll fucking see," Avasarala grumbled.
*
Bobbie's body was sick of slamming into the surface of the moons of Jupiter. Even with the analgesic the autodoc pumped into her system, every part of her body hurt. But she had done it. She had killed that thing. It wouldn't hurt anyone ever again.
She thought she'd feel so much better once she had done it. She thought there'd be a massive weight off of her shoulders. But she felt exhausted. She groaned and opened her eyes.
She found Avasarala sitting next to her, reading her handheld, her brow furrowed in concentration and concern. "Hey," Bobbie croaked out.
Relief flooded Avasarala's face as she moved to stand next to Bobbie. "You were so fucking stupid, Bobbie! You could have been killed!"
"I killed it." Bobbie said, a proud smile breaking through the pain.
"You did. But it almost killed you."
"Almost doesn't count."
Avasarala rolled her eyes and shifted her hands to her hips. "Your death would have served no purpose."
"I'm not dead!"
"No, you aren't." Avasarala looked for some unbruised portion of skin and finally grasped Bobbie's hand. "Something I am very grateful for."
"Is Chrisjen Avasarala admitting she likes a Martian? Or did I hit my head harder than I thought?"
"Ha, ha. Very funny."
Bobbie noticed that Avasarala's handheld hadn't stopped chiming since she regained consciousness. "Something wrong?"
Avasarala grimaced and placed her free hand on Bobbie's cheek. Bobbie leaned into her cool hand even with the ache of her bruises. It felt so good to receive this simple touch. "In a way, yes."
Bobbie raised her eyebrows. "Can I help?"
Avasarala shook her head. "You might find it funny. Errinwright's been arrested and Sorento-Gillis resigned. I'm the fucking Secretary General."
And it was funny that this small, foul-mouthed, wonderful woman by her bedside was now the leader of Earth. Bobbie laughed despite the pain and suddenly the enormity of the past few days overwhelmed her. She tried to keep everything down, to keep herself in control. But she no longer had the energy reserves to keep her walls up as sobs mingled in with her laughter. And soon she no longer laughed, but sobbed and couldn't stop. "They're still dead. I stopped it and they're all still dead. Hilly. Travis. Sa'id."
Avasarala rubbed her thumb back and forth on Bobbie's cheekbone. "Yes, they are."
"And the fucking worst thing, the very fucking worst thing, is it wasn't a monster, it was a little kid! Who depended on someone and believed they were going to be taken care of! A kid! But they're still all dead." Bobbie yanked her arm out of the autodoc. "It's all such a waste."
Still sobbing, Bobbie felt Avasarala tentatively wrapping her arms around her in order not to aggravate Bobbie's injuries. Despite the pain, Bobbie pulled the other woman against her and held her tightly. Avasarala rubbed soothing patterns on Bobbie's back and murmured comforting words in Hindi. Bobbie continued to hold on to the most powerful person in the universe, sobbing out her grief and rage and pain.
Avasarala held Bobbie until she ran out of tears, the demands of Earth ignored until Bobbie fell back asleep, physically and emotionally exhausted.
*
On the Rocinante's return trip to Luna, Bobbie slept.
Some nights she slept without dreams. Others she dreamt of Mars and its red skies and high mountains and her squad training on its surface. She dreamt of her family and friends and the sprawling tunnel cities. Some nights she dreamt of Earth and its oceans, its crush of humanity, its horizon with a too-close sun and Chrisjen Avasarala on the beach, gleaming in all her finery.
Other nights, the protomolecule and blood visited her dreams. Some nights, she woke and made her way to the ship's gym to make herself too tired to dream. Other nights, Avasarala woke her from her nightmares and sat with her until Bobbie fell back asleep.
One night, Bobbie convinced Alex to give her a bottle of booze and she and Avasarala held a memorial for Cotyar.
When the Rocinante arrived at Luna, the universe caught up to the passengers and crew. There were the demands of governments and militaries and the media. Before departing the ship, Bobbie went back to her shared quarters for one last check to make sure she had left nothing behind and found Avasarala standing there, draped in the sari the color of Earth's sunsets, reading notes for her statement to the press about the start of peace talks between Earth and Mars.
"Ready to go, Your Excellency?" Bobbie asked.
Avasarala looked up and realized it was Bobbie. She rolled her eyes, and gave Bobbie the finger, light gleaming off the ring's jewels.
Bobbie grinned.
*
Bobbie arrived at Avasarala's house on Luna in uniform. It was strange to be wearing the Xuesen’s patch and name. She had transferred ships before but had never watched a ship she served on destroyed. She was relieved to return to what she loved and knew, though. Let the woman she was visiting think about the bigger picture and interplanetary politics.
Not that anyone had any fucking clue what The Ring was.
Bobbie found Avasarala weeding in her garden. "I thought you'd have someone to do that."
"It was either this or castrating the new Joint Chief. He seems to be under the impression that he's in charge."
"You must be slipping."
"Not everyone is as fucking brilliant as you. Come, sit."
Bobbie sat down next to her, the rich purple silk of her sari incongruous with the mulch surrounding her. "I wouldn't think there'd be weeds here."
"They're like humans. Always going places they don't belong," Avasarala said darkly.
"So you know where I'm assigned."
"Of course I fucking do. It'll be nice to know at least one person out there will behave reasonably and not trigger the fucking apocalypse."
"I'm glad you have faith in me, ma'am."
Avasarala took Bobbie's hand. "I need you to not chase death, though." Bobbie noticed the other woman's lower lip trembled. "I know you can't promise me you'll live, but I need to know your guilt won't cause you act recklessly."
Bobbie paused. After she killed the hybrid, her guilt over surviving no longer crushed her. She had been sleeping and her nightmares decreased in frequency. "If I die, it won't be out of misplaced guilt."
Avasarala nodded. "I'll take it." She paused. "Bobbie, I'd like you to stay in touch."
"I'm - "
"I'm not asking you to spy on Mars for me. The past few days had made me realize how much I'd come to look forward to talking to you, to hear your perspective, for you to challenge my thinking. I even missed your mockery. You are one of the few people in the universe not trying to kiss my ass, and I need that in my life. I need you, Bobbie."
"Of course, ma'am. I know you're running a planet, but try to find some time for me, too."
Avasarala broke into a smile. A genuine one, Bobbie noted. Not the diplomatic one she wore dealing with the Martian government. Not the one that said she pitied how dumb you were. The one Bobbie had only seen when Avasarala reunited with her husband. And now with her.
"Chrisjen, I hate to interrupt." Both women swung their heads towards Arjun. "But the Martian Prime Minister is on the link and insisting it's a rather urgent matter."
"It's always fucking urgent. I swear that man sometimes must not be able to find his dick." She brought her hands up to frame Bobbie's face and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Be safe."
As she watched Avasarala walk back toward the house, Bobbie couldn't stop herself. She stood up and strode toward her, wrapping her arms around the other woman. Avasarala clung to Bobbie with all her strength, clutching fistfuls of her uniform and burying her face in her chest.
It was incredible to think that without the preceding weeks, Bobbie would have been gleefully using images of the woman in her arms as target practice. Now it was impossible to think of a universe without her. "I'll miss you, too," she whispered into Avasarala's hair.
Avasarala squeezed Bobbie's waist one last time and moved away. She pulled herself to her full height and lifted her chin. "Don't fucking die."
Bobbie smiled and nodded and watched her back as she entered the house. She wouldn't give up Mars, she wouldn't give up being a marine, but all the same, it was a relief not to have to give up Chrisjen Avasarala, either.