Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I don’t want a big party or anything. I’m fine with just sitting on a couch and playing Underwatch for an hour. Vang0 Bang0.” There was a pause in which the communicator could be heard moving. Burger guessed that Vang0 had just flashed his sign. He loved ending his longer sentences like that.

“So… nothing big? No big party, like?” That seemed a bit unlike Vang0, from what Burger knew. Vang0 tended to love attention, so a whole party centered around him?

“Burger, I think you know what I mean. Sorry, gotta unpause my stream now. Talk to you later.” The line went dead. Burger sighed. His wrist beeped with a text.

“Have you finished calling him yet? What did he say he wanted for his birth party?” The text was accompanied by a small thumbnail of Dapper Dasha’s face.

“He just hung up, he said he doesn’t want a big party, or anything.” Burger responded with a short text. A few seconds after the little ‘read’ sign showed up, his wrist rang with a call. Burger quickly accepted Dasha’s call.

“How did he say it, exactly?”

“How.. Say what, now, Dasha?” Burger was confused.

“How did he say that he didn’t want a big party, or anything?”

Burger thought for a moment. “He said it how he normally speaks. He wasn’t doing any weird voices.” A sigh could be heard from the other line.

“Do your best impression of him when he said it?”

“Uh… I don’t want a big party or anythin’, we can just play… Underwatch?” Burger paused for a second. “Vang0 Bang0. Oh, and then he said, ‘I think you know what I mean,’ which sent me a couple mixed signals, ta be honest.”

“Honestly, I think there’s really three options here for what he meant. First, he was being very straight about it but in a weird way. Second, he wants a big party but doesn’t want you to go through the trouble. Third, he wants a big party and was being weird about it.”

“That’s mostly options for him wantin’ a big party, right?”

“Yeah, it’s two out of three. Sixty-six percentage odds.”

“I’m not sure, but that seems like he must want a big party, right?”

“Oh, sure. And I’m not just saying that because I’ve already been talking to people asking if I can use their house for the party.”

“Oh, are we gonna do a surprise party kinda thing? That would be pretty neat, huh, Dasha?”

“Yes, the… neatest. I’ll talk to a couple of my friends about catering and such.”

“Are we really goin’ all out, then?”

“Oh, please, Burger. We’re going all the way out .”

“Man, what a great stream! You sure epic’d all those noobs!” Vang0 was closing his stream when he saw the comment in the livechat. He smiled a little, recognizing Burger’s writing style among the other five people watching. That is, if they were people, and not government surveillance AI accounts. Burger watched most of Vang0’s streams, at least part of the way. Sometimes Vang0 let him moderate the livechat. Those were some fun times.

When Dasha and Burger had volunteered to plan his birthday party, Vang0 was surprised to say the least. He wasn’t usually the center of attention for more than three minutes with more than three people. It made him feel awkward. And birthday parties were just a party celebrating you. It was weird. And Vang0 knew that Dasha was fairly well known as a fixer that could set up a gnarly party. That’s why he had made it clear to Burger that a big party was definitely not necessary. They had been dating only for a couple months, but Vang0 was fairly sure that Burger knew how awkward Vang0 felt being the center of attention.

Vang0 was, sadly, wrong.

Dasha was holding a clipboard tablet. It didn’t have a clip, as that was unnecessary, but it was about the same size and had features limited to internet search and file editing, so it was basically just a modern clipboard. It also came with a fun stylus pen!

She chewed the tip of the stylus anxiously. She rushed over to where Burger was nervously perched on the edge of a decorative wooden chair. He carefully stood up. The chair creaked as the heavily muscled man’s weight was removed. Dasha looked slightly down on him. She breathed a deep sigh, then spoke.

“I’m stumped on food. What does he like?”

“Well,” Burger had to think. “We usually go ta burger joints for dates. That don’t sound big and fancy, though.”

“I’ll just do appetizers. Maybe some burger sliders.” She laughed a little. “That’s ironic.”

“What is?”

“Uh, yes. I’ll get back to it. You know, you don’t have to stay sitting here. We have the place for the week. Beetle’s on holiday, and as long as we don’t leave a huge mess-- or pile of broken furniture-- we can do what we want, really. So, stop sitting on his decorative chairs, maybe?”

“Sorry, Dasha.”

“It’s pronounced Dasha . I’ve got more planning to do, see you in a bit, Burger.”

Burger was staring at a painting. It was tall and grand and spanned the length of the wall. He stood on the top of the first half of a grand staircase, which had a landing before it split to either side, leaving a wall space which the painting took up. The effect was a balcony overlooking the ballroom-- and Burger couldn’t find any other word for it-- with the painting hung, looming above the room.

It was masterfully painted, a scene in which heroes from classics all worked together to defeat a grand evil, painted in a renaissance style despite the time period it portrayed. Clearly an expensive commission. A man with winged shoes danced among the cloud of darkness. A man with a hat and pipe inspected the cloud with his magnifying glass beside the flying man. A short man with curly hair and feet hidden beneath a furry layer of hair brandished a dagger. Another man with 007 painted onto his suit pointed a gun at the darkness. Near a dozen heroes fought in the painting. It was painted in tiny strokes and each hero was life-sized.

Burger was startled from his thoughtful stupor when his wrist began buzzing. He looked down to find Vang0 Bang0’s contact on the screen of his communicator. And now, Burger thought, was going to be the most difficult part of all. Lying to his boyfriend.

“Hey, Burger, what are you doing?”

“Oh, uh, just chillin’ with Dasha.” Burger clenched his teeth and inhaled.

“Uh… okay. Do you wanna come over and play some games? Maybe do a livestream with me?”

“Can’t. I’m, I’m helping Dasha plan a party. It’s… It’s for this Beagle guy, that Dasha knows. He’s out on a business thing and so I suggested, hey, Dasha, you know that Beagle guy? Well, why don’t we plan a surprise for him when he gets back from, where he is, on business, of course.”

“Burger, are you okay? What are you actually doing?” Burger had an idea, then.

“Fine… you know how you told me to stop eating cheese, due to me being lactose un-tolerant an’ all? I… I convinced Dasha to take me cheese tasting. I didn’t tell you, because, well…”

“Come on , Burger, do you want to suffer later?”

“I know, Vang0. But the cam-um-beer!”

“Well, don’t come crying to me when you get cramps later. And, Burger?”

“Yeah, Vang0?”

“...Try and take a little bit better care of yourself. Cheese isn’t really worth pain.”

“...Okay, Vang0. I love you--!

“I… I love you, too.” 

Burger was the one that hung up this time. He hated lying.

Chapter Text

“It’s tomorrow , Burger. It’s set and planned. Why the hell are you having doubts now ?”

“Well, see, Dasha--”

“ --Dasha-- ”

“See, it’s not like it’s the first time I’m havin’ doubts. I just feel like it could be a real problem an’ all if we misinterpreted what Vang0 said.” Burger was holding Dasha’s clipboard tablet and coat while she ensured that every decoration in the ballroom was in its place. A delicately printed sign had been pasted below the painting spelling out “ Please don’t touch the painting.” Burger was fairly certain that Vang0 knew something was up. Burger insisted that he was on a job for Dasha that was just taking awhile.

“You can’t put off calling him forever! Remember the plan--”

“Yeah, yeah. I stay the night then play some games for awhile in the mornin’ then bring him ‘round here for the party when it’s all ready. I remember , Dasha. It’s just, he’s already suspicious, and I’ve already lied so much …” Burger shivered. “To my boyfriend! Dasha, I’ve done nothin’ but lie for a week an’ a half! Do ya’ think I’ll be able to--”

“It’s just one more day, Burger. You can say that Hypo needed a one-man crew to retrieve some late shipments. Low-stakes, not a job that he’ll be particularly envious of. It just took longer than you expected--!”

“Dasha, I can try. Listen, though, if we misinterpreted it, then, likely he’ll be real mad with me! Then I woulda’ lied for no reason all week!”

“Would he be mad, though? I think it’s awfully kind of you. Now go ahead, you can go. Call him, go over to his house. I’ll text you a little later about some plan stuff.”

“Okay. Thanks, Dasha.” He hurried out the double-doors at the front of the ballroom, opposite the stairs. Dasha smiled. He had pronounced it correctly.

Burger inhaled deeply. He knocked on the door, a bouquet-- half smothered from the ride over and the desperate intensity in which he held the flowers-- clutched sweatily in his hands. He waited as he heard a loud thud noise. Then, a shout of ‘Ow!’ When Vang0 answered the door, his hair was a mess and he wore mismatched pajamas. At 4pm.

“Burger! Sorry, I didn’t get dressed. I was planning on it before you came over. I’ve barely seen you all week!” He looked down at the flowers.

“Vang0, I’m sorry. I was on a shipment investigation for Hypo. He said it was a one-man job an’ all so I didn’t wanna worry ya’ till it was over with.”

“Burger… You…” Vang0 sighed as Burger handed him the bouquet. “You don’t ever have to keep things from me. I want to know about what you’re doing all day. What if it got dangerous? What if you died and the government covered it up? What would I do, Burger...”

“Sorry, Vang0, it won’t be happenin’ again. I promise I’ll tell ya’ a little more about what I’m doin’ all day. I got ya’ daisies! Like an apology.”

“An… apology… hey, Burger?”

“Yeah, Vang0?”

“What do you think my life was like? Before?” By now, they were sitting on Vang0’s couch, surrounded by chip bags and a glass of water next to a couple soda cans. Vang0’s game sat paused. The coffee table was off-center in a way which implied having been tripped over.

“Before what, Vang0?”

“Before, I don’t know, before I remember? Before that… that warehouse...” Vang0 looked pained.

“Well,” Burger paused. “I betcha you were kind. Had some friends, since you’re so likable. I bet you were a coder then, too.”

“Do you think anyone misses me? What if they come looking for me and I don’t remember them?” Vang0 leaned his head onto Burger’s arm. Burger slumped down so that Vang0 could reach his shoulder easier. Vang0 rested his head there contentedly.

“Well, then I hope you’d not leave Dasha and I for them. I love you, Vang0.”

“...I love you, Burger.”

“How about just a light lunch? I’m not real hungry.” Burger suggested to Vang0. He’d made Vang0 a nice breakfast that morning, but mostly Burger didn’t want Vang0 to be too full to eat at the party.

“Oh, not burgers?” Vang0 asked.

“Nah, we should save room for later.”

“...Why? Dinner?”

“Uhh… Yeah. I’m gonna buy you dinner later!” Burger smiled nervously.

“Well, then, let’s have a light lunch.”

“Dasha needs a bit of help down at Beagle’s place. She specifically asked me to stop by at around four.”

“Oh, neat. Should I come? What does she need help with?”

“Well,” Burger followed Dasha’s instructions on what to say, “She said it’ll be some helping her out with party stuff. Turns out my lie about throwin’ him a party inspired her to actually do it. Beetle’s been a real pal to her in the past and she wanted to throw him a little surprise, like.”

“Oh. Should I get dressed?”

“Yeah, you should wear somethin’ nice, too. His house is real fancy.” Burger smiled at Vang0, whose expression was mostly confusion.

“Burger, why do you sound nervous?”

“I don’t. Get dressed, we’ll leave when you’re done.”

Keanu told Burger the fastest way to get to Beetle’s house. Well, second fastest, after the route that was locked behind a paywall. Man, dystopias sucked sometimes.

His wrist buzzed. He glanced at the word urgent but resolved to wait until a stoplight to read it. He looked down as he rolled to a stop, and saw Dasha’s text.

“Urgent! Stall a little longer please!”

Burger nearly swore aloud. They were almost there. He fiddled with his GPS.

“Burger? Whatcha doin there?”

“Uh… Keanu’s voice is annoying me.”

“ Keanu’s voice is annoying you?” The GPS turned off with a start, and the screen went blank. It rebooted.

“Uhm, nevermind. Keanu is fine.” It rebooted slowly, but for ten bucks it would go faster. Burger pulled to a curb.

“You okay, Burger? You’re acting a little funny.”

“Listen, Vang0, I’m kinda stressed right now. Let’s just let this reboot done an’ ovr with, then head over to help Dasha.” He turned off the van to wait.

“We’re gonna be laaate.”

“It’s fine, Vang0.”

Burger received an “All clear!” text a minute or two later. The time shown on the reboot was about thirty seconds. Phew.

Burger pulled back into traffic, with a relieved sigh.

Burger knocked gently on the door, before letting Vang0 past him. Vang0 just stood there. They sat there for a second or two.

“Are we waiting for her to answer the door?” Vang0 looked confused again.

“Oh, no, I was gonna let you open it if you wanted. I’ll get it.” Burger threw the doors open and they were bombarded with noise. A chorus of “Surprise!” and “Happy Birthday!” met the pair. Vang0 looked overwhelmed, then at Burger quizzically. Then, he was yanked in by Dasha, who was particularly over-zealous. Burger was left in the dust as Vang0 was swept into the room. 

Burger followed from as close behind as he could. There were many points where he lost track of where Vang0 was. Burger felt regret and anxiety wring his stomach. Vang0 started to look sick.

“Hey! Back off the guy, c’mon.” Burger finally pushed his way to Vang0. “Y’all enjoy the party for a bit, we need a quick break.” Burger dragged Vang0 through the crowd behind him. He doubted Vang0 even knew all these people. Burger brought him to a place that he’d found earlier that week. He’d had too much time on his hands while Dasha planned alone.

“Is this… a bedroom?” Vang0 looked around the grand room.

“Well, yeah, but the bedroom’s not where we’re headed.” Burger let go of Vang0’s wrist and made his way dramatically to a set of small double doors. He opened them, and he stepped out onto a balcony, Vang0 trailing behind him.

The sun was setting over the city. Windows reflected light, glowing orange and red. A tinge of blue still mingled with the orange in the sky, but the farther blue got darker as the orange extended to encompass most of the sky. Pink and red stained clouds wove through the vast expanse above them. Two armless chairs sat on the balcony which hadn’t been there when Burger last was there. He suspected Dasha as he and Vang0 sat down close together.

“Hey, Burger?”

“Yeah, yeah. I misinterpreted what you said and only realized it when it was too late to stop Dasha.”

“Well, yeah… but, this is nice. They won’t miss us at the party. I don’t even know most of those people.” Vang0 looked up at Burger.

“There is food down there,” Burger replied. Vang0 nodded at this. 

“Next year, maybe not an insane party. I’m not a fan.” Vang0 looked back into the distance, then rested his head on Burger’s arm. Burger slouched so Vang0 cold reach his shoulder. Vang0 rested his head there for a second.

“Hey, Burger?”

“Yeah, Vang0?”

“I really love you.” Burger smiled a bit, wrapping his arm around Vang0 tenderly.

“I love you, too.”