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how do you love

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“You think about marriage a lot?” Parvati teases, grinning at her captain.  

Evie can feel the heat rising to her face, “No.” She glances away, embarrassed, “Not for me at least. It just feels like another reminder of how I don’t fit in here...not understanding how everyone else expects relationships to go.” 

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Sometimes, impossibly, there is downtime on the Unreliable. Skip drives have made space travel a hell of a lot faster, but sometimes it’s still a commute. Evie usually tucks herself away during these times, reading through old files of everything she’s missed in the past seventy years. Since she and Felix...well, since things have changed, sometimes he will join her too. But mostly she finds it easier to be by herself, even though the Unreliable is technically her ship. She would die for the people on it, but sometimes she still can’t shake feelings she’d struggled with on Earth that she didn’t belong here or there.  

In this moment, it’s different. Parvati is absentmindedly tinkering with a supplement in the engine room while Evie sits nearby, answering her questions. Evie likes Parvati. When they’d first come across each other, she’d had her doubts, but Parvati had proved herself to be so much more than a young drone. She’s almost a sister to Evie now.  

“Things can’t have been that different?” Parvati asks, glancing at her captain.  

Evie swings her feet, letting them thud against the crate she’s sitting on, “I guess not everything’s different. But there certainly weren’t marriage contracts. I mean, I guess marriage was a contract, but it was...different.” 

“There is a lot of technicality to relationships in the colony,” Parvati allows, “Like my ma and pa...them getting me out of it was more like a...a transaction. But I don’t think I’d ever be able to...to let something like that go.” 

“I don’t think I could either,” Evie admits, “Although, I’ve barely seen any children or babies since I’ve gotten thawed out.” 

“The colony’s pretty dangerous, Cap’n,” Parvati explains, “Most people keep their young'uns nearby, unless it affects their work.”  

“It makes sense,” Evie shrugs. She’s quiet for a moment, but then says, “I couldn’t imagine a marriage just expiring.  On Earth, it was a lifetime commitment, or people went into it with the intent of that, at least. But knowing my marriage has an expiration date...I would worry about it too much?” 

“You think about marriage a lot?” Parvati teases, grinning at her captain.  

Evie can feel the heat rising to her face, “No.” She glances away, embarrassed, “Not for me at least. It just feels like another reminder of how I don’t fit in here...not understanding how everyone else expects relationships to go.” 

Parvati stops, setting her wrench down and turning to Evie, a frown on her face, “Evie...what do you mean? You fit in just fine.” 

Evie shrugs uncomfortably, back of her neck prickling, “I don’t though, not really. I’m decades older than anyone on this ship, but I could be a baby for all I know about the colony. Yeah, I’ve got the basics, I guess, but I’ll always be thinking about everything in relation to Earth.” 

“I... I’m sorry, Cap’n. I didn’t think of it like that...you just seem to have it all together, to us, at least,” Parvati offers a sympathetic smile, “I think you’re doing just fine. Besides, I reckon this colony could probably use a few touches from Earth.” 

“Thanks, Parvati,” Evie smiles. “Honestly, I think I just think about all the things I missed out on Earth and it bums me out that I probably did waste all my chances.” 

“Like what?” Parvati asks curiously.  

“Well, I don’t know...” Evie looks away, “I guess I always wanted to be romanced  by someone, like swept off my feet. I never got any big romantic gestures or thoughtful dates on Earth. I was lucky if I got a dinner and a message afterward. I wanted to feel wanted, and important  to someone. But things seem less personal here.” Evie blushes, shaking her head, “Sorry, I’m rambling. I just...it’s hard to work out all this stuff, y’know?” 

“I think it sounds real nice,” Parvati says softly, reaching out to put her hand on Evie’s shoulder, “There’s nothing wrong with wanting things for yourself. You taught me that.” 

Parvati isn’t normally a schemer. She leaves that to others on the team, who see fit to pull hijinks of all manner. But Evie had sounded so sad,  and Parvati knows the woman doesn’t get nearly enough credit as she deserves. The captain has done so much for them all, why shouldn’t they see that she feels like she belongs here too? 

She decides that simply talking to Felix will be her best bet. He doesn’t exactly require a delicate touch. She finds him in the dining area, sitting in one of the empty chairs. “Hey Felix,” she greets, sitting across from him as innocently as possible.  

“Parvati,” he nods, “What’s up? You’ve got your thinking face on.” 

“My thinking...?” Parvati shakes her head, “I was just thinking of Junlei, actually. I’m so glad how things have gone with her. You know, if the Cap’n wasn’t such a romantic, things’d probably be a lot different.” 

Felix tilts his head curiously at her, and she knows he’ll listen to anything she says about Evie, “Whaddya mean?” 

“Well, you know,” Parvati shrugs, “She has a real big heart. She helped me pick out all the perfect things to impress Junlei. She’s got a thing for, uh...big romantic gestures.” 

“Of course, I know that,” Felix scoffs, but she can see a blush creeping up his neck, “Did she, uh, happen to mention anything she’d  like?” 

Parvati can’t keep the grin off of her face. Maybe she should try this scheming thing more often. “She did mention a few things that were common on Earth.” 

“Yeah, I’ll bet,” Felix frowns, and for a moment Parvati forgets her scheme.  

“What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing, it’s just...” Felix looks around self-consciously, “it’s hard sometimes. Lo— Liking  someone from a whole system that you don’t know enough about. I want to be enough for her, but I don’t always know what she expects...”  

“Oh Felix,” Parvati feels a surge of warmth in her chest. Felix and Evie are so much alike...she’s sure that they both need this little push. “I think what she really wants is to feel like she’s important to you.” 

“She is,” Felix blinks at Parvati in confusion, but their conversation is interrupted by the woman herself. Neither of them manages to look completely innocent, but Evie doesn’t seem to suspect anything.  

“Hey guys,” she says, gesturing back to the door, “Nyoka needed us to stop at Stellar Bay for a little bit, so I’m gonna head out to browse the shops. Anyone wanna come with?” 

“Course,” Felix stands, and Parvati shoots him a meaningful look.  

“Okay,” Evie smiles, pleased.  

Felix moves toward the door, and when he’s close enough, he takes Evie’s hand in his. Parvati hears him mumble, “Is this okay?” and Evie’s radiant smile is enough of an answer. Parvati smiles to herself and makes a note to send Junlei a message.  

The streets of Stellar Bay are fairly quiet. Evie’s hand is warm in his, and the memory of her smile makes him never want to let go. Felix is well aware that he’s one of the luckiest men in the colony, to have her attention. He doesn’t want to lose it. Mostly he follows her from stall to stall as she peruses the wares, trying to see if anything of value has come in. Occasionally, Felix will chime in with his opinion, but for the most part they wander in companionable silence.  

Felix makes note of things Evie seems to like and things she immediately turns away from. Eventually darkness is closing in, and Felix suggests getting a drink at the Yacht Club. Evie finds them a table while Felix grabs them drinks. He likes that she trusts him well enough to order for her now, and he’s thinking about how you make someone feel important  as he carries the drinks to the table.  

There’s a man standing there already, stinking of saltuna, leaning too close to Evie. “...got a nice place in the apartments I’m sure you’d love to see,” he was saying.  

“I’m good, thanks,” Evie grimaces, and her eyes widen when she sees Felix coming over.  

“Is there a problem?” Felix asks, well-aware that she can take care of herself. Some folks don’t seem to realize that until it’s too late.  

“Beat it, kid,” The guy rolls his eyes, “I’m trying to talk to this fine lady.” 

Felix can feel the blood in his chest begin to boil, and he clenches his fists to keep from doing something stupid. He hates when people refer to him as a kid. “I’m pretty sure she’s trying to get you to fuck off,” Felix says, setting their drinks down, “She’s just too nice to say it.” 

“Lady,” the guy points at Felix, “are you with this kid?” 

Evie’s eyes are wide, and she opens her mouth, but Felix replies first, losing patience. “What do you think, guy? You got any  brain cells in there?” 

The guy scoffs and straightens, sneering, “Well, if she’s easy enough to let you into her bed, she’s probably not worth the risk.” 

“Hey, watch your fucking mouth,” Felix says through clenched teeth. The guy opens his mouth to say something else, but Felix is already swinging. He knocks the asshole backwards with the force of his punch, “and back the fuck off.” 

Things move kind of fast after that. Felix and Evie end up making a mad dash for their ship, lest they tarnish the good graces of Sanjar for maiming one of his citizens. When they’re close to the ship, Felix grabs her hand and slows them to a stop. “I’m sorry,” he pants.  

He’s not expecting her lips to crash against his, but he’s into it. “That was really hot,” she says into his mouth.  

“I’m not complaining,” His hands wander to her waist, pulling her closer, “but you’ve seen me hit guys before. Like, a lot.” 

“Yeah,” she grins, “but you were defending my honor.”  she laughs and rolls her eyes.  

“I didn’t do it because I thought you were scandalized or something--” Felix starts to stammer. 

“I know,” she cuts him off, “but still. I didn’t mind it.” She begins to pull away, but hangs onto his hand, “Makes me feel like you want me.” 

Suddenly, a rock drops into Felix’s stomach. He thinks of Parvati’s words from earlier. Before he can think better of it, he tugs Evie back. She looks up at him questioningly. “I do want you,” he says softly, earnestly, “I always want you.”  

“Felix...” There is heat blooming across her cheeks, and she fidgets.  

His heart is pounding, but he continues. This is too important to him, “I mean it. You mean so much to me. And I want you to feel like that. Not just because of stupid assholes, but all the time.” 

“Felix,” she says again, much quieter, bringing her hand up to rest against his cheek. He leans into it. “Trust me when I say you make me feel things that I thought I’d never feel.” 

His own cheeks are warm now, “Good. Because sometimes...I just don’t want to disappoint you.” 

“You don’t,” she assures him, and this time when they kiss it’s soft and sweet. When she pulls away, there is a dangerous gleam in her eye, “but if you wanted to really make sure I’m satisfied, I think there’s something we can do.”  

Felix’s heart begins to pound for an entirely different reason as she leads them forward, grinning.

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