Work Text:
Caitlin never considered herself a light sleeper, but on nights like these she’d wake up at the sound of a whisper. Maybe that was because she was truly only half asleep, not conscious enough to be considered awake but not asleep enough she couldn't hear the heart rate monitor's steady beats. So when it suddenly spiked her eyes flew open. Her vision trying to adjust to the dim lighting of the med bay as she quickly pulled herself up from the cot that was tucked into the corner by her desk. Her mind’s cries for real sleep and a proper bed dissipating the instant she heard him groan softly.
By the time she had reached his side though his heart rate had already stabilized and saw that he wasn’t even awake. But she could feel the unease of panic still racing through her as her heart beat hard against her rib cage, unable to calm back down. She bit her lip for a moment, studying his sleeping face. Relieved to find he didn’t look in pain but decided it would be best to run all of her tests anyways. At least any she could run without waking him. He needed rest, especially after the day they had.
As she began her procedures her mind drifted back to that afternoon. It had been nothing. A bank robbery. He went alone as Cisco and her sat at the monitors making jokes about old times but then in an instant it became too much like them. A sound from the past that has haunted her in her darkest hours echoed over the speakers.
CRACK!
Once you’ve heard it there was no way to mistake the sound. The sound when a human’s back broke.
The rest wasn’t much more than a blur, the events played in her mind but it was hazy around the edges, details too specific were difficult to recall. Her brain had honed in to one person in particular and everything else faded away into nothingness. Nothing else except what she did next mattered.
She remembered yelling his name into the mic but getting no response, quickly instructing Cisco and Ralph not to jostle him as they suited up to breach him back to the lab. And how she cursed herself for no one being out there with him to protect him.
“We all thought it was just some run of the mill baddie, you couldn’t have known,” Frost tried her best to comfort her in her head.
“We shouldn’t have let our guard down,” She snapped back in a tone far colder than Frost’s own powers had ever been. Her alter ego remained quiet after that as Caitlin tied her hair back and prepared the medbay with methodical precision. Caitlin would apologize to her other side later, for now it was important she was the one completely in control.
Finally Cisco’s breached opened in the middle of the Cortex as they brought him back, Ralph having morphed his arms into a stretcher. On it Barry was thrashing his head around barely pausing to even let Cisco pull his cowl off.
“Cait! Caitlin!” He called as she ran up to him, his fingers grasping around desperately until he found her hand. She could tell he was trying not to cry from the pain.
“I’m here,” She reassured him quickly giving his hand a squeeze, looking up and curtly tilting her head to direct Ralph and Cisco to carry him into the medbay.
“C-Cait, ugh god it hurts!”
“I know, I know,” She hushed softly, futilely trying to comfort him by passing her fingers through his hair with her other hand, “Just hang on. It’s going to hurt a lot, okay? Your metabolism will burn through all of my anesthetic so I can’t use it but you will pass out and when you wake up it should be all better, do you understand?”
But he didn’t answer as Ralph and Cisco as gently as possible moved him to an actual gurney and he let out a whine that gave only a hint to the agony he was in. The hand holding her’s clenched so tight it was painful but she wouldn’t pull away, especially not when he began thrashing his head around again. If he wasn’t careful he could do some serious damage. She looked up sternly at Ralph, Cisco, and Harry who had just entered the room looking to be of assistance.
“Ralph, Cisco, hold him down. Harry get the O.R. ready,” She ordered quickly and they all promptly did as she said. Then her focus returned to Barry, his eyes skewed tight in pain but no longer tossing around as Cisco held down his shoulders and Ralph grabbed his legs.
She readjusted her grip on his hand, holding it more firmly and pulling it closer to her chest as she leaned in towards him, “Barry I’m going to need you to open your eyes and look at me okay? I need you to respond so I know you understand what’s about to happen. Did you hear me? Barry, look at me.”
He sucked in a few ragged breaths before his eyes finally reached her’s and he nodded, tears glistening in his eyes.
“I need you to respond verbally if you can.”
She could tell he was struggling to form words through what must've been torturous pain, but she needed him to verbally consent if he could. In order to maintain her composure she needed to follow procedure. All the steps drummed into her in med school, each one followed to the letter. It was the only way she knew how to get through this.
“I trust you,” He finally choked out.
She nodded taking in his words and swallowed hard, the next part hurting her the most, “Good. Good, you’re doing great, Barry. But I'm sorry I... I’m going to need my hand back now.”
He somehow managed to give her a small smile through the pain and squeezed her hand before he let go. And as his fingers fell through her's it tore her heart in two.
Her next thoughts were of the surgery, it had to be her least favorite part of the job. Having to cut and reopen his wounds over and over. Harry the only one in the room with her, none of the others having the training or strength of constitution to handle it. All the while racing against his super healing to complete the operation properly and praying he wouldn’t wake up in the middle of it. One wrong move and-- no she couldn't think about that. Not now.
Focus... focus... focus...
And then hours later once it was complete she found herself in the bathroom, scrubbing at the flecks of blood staining her skin, rubbing it raw until the events of the last few hours hit caught up with her. Impacting like a freight train. The sound of the break playing in her head, Barry’s features twisted in pain, and then full realization of who’s blood was on her hands. It was too much and she was exhausted. Finally she broke down.
Her back slid down the tile wall leaving the faucet running, her breathing becoming short and ragged, as she buried her head into her hands for what felt like an eternity until there was a knock on the door.
“Caitlin? Are you in there? The water has been running for awhile,” Cisco’s voice came from the other side, but she couldn’t find her voice to respond. Finally the door pushed open, “Hello? Anybody-- Oh Caitlin...”
He didn’t say anything further as he turned the sink off and came to sit by her, putting an arm around her shoulders and pulling her closer. She leaned into him and he didn’t even have to say a word before her thoughts just started pouring out of her mouth through her choked tears.
“It-It wasn’t supposed to be this way, Cisco. My life wasn’t. I-I was supposed to be just a bioengineer. Alone in a lab, studying gene therapy and trying to find cures for things like ALS not this... not... I wasn’t supposed to be constantly operating on someone I-- on him!” She finally let out and broke down further into Cisco’s arms as he held her.
She didn’t know how long she cried, letting out the stress and fears she had to just push to the side in order to clear her mind. She didn’t have even a notion to how long it was before Cisco gently pulled her to her feet, only that it was after she finally stopped sniffling. Her emotions finally spent, leaving her feeling numb. In a daze her friend guided her to her medbay where a cot was laid out and Harry had been keeping watch over Barry. She couldn’t remember their exact words but she remembered Harry telling her he was stable and Cisco pleading with her to get some sleep. Which she had... at least for a little while.
And just like that she was broken from her memories by that heart rate monitor dinging in alarm yet again, her mind coming back to the medbay in present time and where Barry was sleeping, though not soundly as before as he groaned. Moving slightly in his sleep his brows pinched. But not in pain rather... in worry.
“Cait...” He called, suddenly his movements becoming more erratic as he tossed and turned, “Cait.”
She quickly placed her hands on his shoulders, too much movement and he’d open his stitches.
“Barry, it’s okay, wake up,” She called, gently squeezing his shoulders and his eyes flew open. She immediately pushed him back down when he tried to sit up, his gaze darting around the room and over her grip holding him down wildly before it finally landed on her face and he instantly relaxed.
“You’re here,” He breathed out, sounding relieved.
She pulled her hands back giving him an odd look and a small confused smile, “Of course I am, where else would I be?”
His eyes were becoming heavy has they found her’s, exhaustion quickly returning to him after the slight scare. His hand reaching over slowly as if it weighed a ton, brushing along over her knuckles where her hands rested on the edge of the bed. She wanted to look away to hide her pinkening cheeks but was caught staring at the vulnerability in his eyes.
“It’s just seems like... everytime I get hurt something happens to you. I dreamt I woke up here and I was alone. You were gone. And I was powerless to do anything about it... again,” He choked out before looking away his hand slipping off her’s as his blinks grew longer. Caitlin got the distinct impression if he hadn’t been so exhausted he wouldn’t have been quite so forthcoming with what his nightmare was about.
“Well I’m here, I'm not going anywhere, and I’m okay. You should be too but it won’t be easy. For now bed rest and then we’ll talk about some physical therapy. Doctor’s orders.”
He smiled at her, and it was a beautiful sight to see after their day, it made her grin right back, “Well if my doctor orders I guess I have too.”
She snorted a laugh, “Like that’s ever stopped you before.”
And just like that bantering with him made her feel like she could breathe again, that weight pressing a constant suffocating pressure against her chest lifting, as she finally knew he was really going to be okay even beyond just the physical.
“I’m sorry for scaring you like that,” He said switching gears as he tried to sit up a little. She jumped to help him as she shook her head.
“You have nothing to apologize for. It’s part of the job... we’re never going to know every trick a bag guy has up their sleeve. I’m just glad you’re okay.”
He looked at her as if in awe for a moment before his gaze softened, “But are you okay?”
“Tired, but yeah. It wasn’t the simplest fix this time,” She explained forcing a small smile.
His green eyes were big as they studied her, “Were you worried?”
“Only a little,” She tried to reassure him.
He let out a deep breath as he nodded slowly. Absorbing her words, knowing he was trying to use her answers to assess how bad the damage really was, before looking back up at her and asking seriously, “That bad, huh?”
“It could’ve been much worse.”
Their eyes met and there was just a moment of silence as their gazes bore into the other, each trying to read the truth behind the other’s answers.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
She waved him off, “I’m fine. Honest.”
“Caitlin I--”
“Really Barry, it’s okay, thank you though,” She smiled and reached over to pat his hand, his care certainly warmed her heart. But when she made to pull away he gently grabbed her hand before she could, holding her there.
"That’s not what--” He seemed to give up on his sentence halfway through before simply saying, “Cait?"
"Yeah?"
"Just... Thank you. For saving me."
As Caitlin looked at him, his eyes crinkling fondly at the corners as he gazed at her, she couldn’t help but think of the whirlwind of the day they had and she knew that despite everything, the blood, the pain, the tears, this made it all worth it. Healing Barry, seeing him okay, seeing his smile, keeping their team safe while protecting the city and its people by his side... it was what she was meant to do. Even in her lowest moments she’d never choose anything different. In fact, more than once, she had given everything up for it. It brought her back from the brink everytime, the one fundamental truth that kept her going when all else was lost. That this was right where she belonged.
At that thought she gave him a tender look and squeezed his hand, "And thank you for not dying on me."
Barry opened his mouth to say something, she figured a joke to lighten the mood, but he seemed to decide against it.
"Please just get some rest. For me?" He finally said tilting his head forward as his eyes looked up at her pleadingly.
"Only if you do the same for me."
Suddenly it felt as if something passed between them while their eyes met, both their expressions becoming gentler. A softness in them neither one of them wanted to name that practically froze them in this moment. Almost like the whole world had gone into Flashtime except for them. But it lifted slightly when Barry smiled at her,
"For you Dr. Snow, anything."
With a final gentle squeeze he let go of her hand, but this time it didn’t hurt her inside, instead she smiled softly in return. It was a promise. They made it through, they’d be okay to live, to fight, and maybe even love another day... and along the way she’d be ready to heal every broken bone, fight every big bad, and help Barry save as many as they could, everyday.