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Patrick hadn’t meant to exclude Ray from his housewarming party. He just never quite got around to inviting him. Somehow the idea of seeing Ray in his new place, surrounded by all the things he had never bothered to unpack at Ray’s house, made his stomach clench unpleasantly. Of course, that wasn’t the only thing that hadn’t gone to plan lately. He hadn’t meant to kiss Alexis at the party, or bicker with David, or gawk at Ted, or make a fool of himself in a dozen other ways. At least he could get a do-over on Ray.
“What do you mean we’re having a second housewarming party just for Ray?” David asked with horror after Patrick broke the news. They were in the store, Patrick returning from the cafe with a cheeseburger for David and a tea for himself to go with his peanut butter sandwich from home.
“I had to do something! He walked in the cafe just after Stevie made some joke about me and Alexis kissing. I could tell he was about to run out the door and tell Bob and Gwen, and then the whole town would think I was cheating on you with Alexis!”
“You did want revenge for my beautiful moment with Ted.” Patrick was relieved that David was smiling and stole a quick peck on the cheek. “No, no,” continued David, “I’m not totally on board yet. So we’re putting our matching pajamas back on and doing the high school slumber party thing all over again?”
“Sort of. I told him that this was the real party, the friends and family. You, me, Ted, Alexis, Stevie, and Ray. Tonight.”
“You’re lucky that I am both an understanding boyfriend, and someone that loves to watch you dig yourself out of a hole of your own making.”
Patrick nuzzled his nose into David’s neck, trying to find that musky place between David’s sandalwood hair pomade and spicy citrus cologne that smelled like, well, David. “Yes. I am very lucky,” he whispered.
**
Ray showed up ten minutes early, just as Patrick was cleaning up the bowl of M&Ms that Stevie had absent-mindedly knocked over. Ray carried a tray of Rice Krispie treats and a bottle of surprisingly good Scotch. He was also wearing the same white pajamas as Patrick.
“Patrick! I love what you have done with the place!” Ray exclaimed at the same time as David muttered, “Incorrect,” and disappeared into the bedroom to change.
“Thanks, Ray,” said Patrick. “Um, nice pajamas.”
“Thank you! I asked Stevie about the attire, and she told me to wear these. She remembered that when we were roomies, I got us matching white pajamas for Christmas, and then matching blue ones for your birthday. And now we are finally wearing them together! Did I see David in the blue pair when I arrived? What fun!”
Stevie looked up innocently from her phone. “Looking good, Patrick and Ray! Now if I can just get a picture of you two with David.”
Five minutes before the appointed start time and Patrick was already frazzled. He was determined to stay calm tonight, to prove to David that this apartment was a new start for them. He wanted to move beyond the hesitant, nervous person who didn’t have the courage to kiss David on their first date; beyond the edgy, snappish person who was confused by his entwined jealousy and desire when Ted kissed David. This was time for confident Patrick, devoted boyfriend with his own apartment, who could finally prove to David Rose that he was worthy of David’s love, still surprising after all these months.
David emerged from the bedroom in his real sleeping clothes, black sweatpants and a very soft black sweater, retired from the daywear collection due to a slight fraying around the neck band that was invisible to Patrick no matter how many times David pointed it out. Seeing David there, knowing how soft that sweater was, and how easily the drawstring on those pants came undone, made Patrick regret this whole party. Maybe he hasn't proved himself worthy, but all he could think about was sliding into bed with David, kissing that mocking look off his face.
**
The party was a disaster. No surprise there. Everyone stood around awkwardly, Ray admiring the new bathroom door. Finally, Ted suggested Spin the Bottle, but Patrick, Alexis, and David all yelled, “Absolutely not!”, overpowering Stevie’s enthusiastic yes.
“How about Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board, David,” hissed Alexis, “Unless you’re worried about the ‘light’ part with all that pizza you’re eating.”
“Go put your bra in the freezer, Alexis,” snapped David.
Ray politely tried a Jell-o shot, but got a stricken look on his face as the solid lump stuck his mouth instead of sliding down his throat. He smiled with fake cheer, looking as though he gingerly held a slug in his mouth. Finally he tried to chew the Jell-o, and a red drip landed on his pristine pajamas.
“I’m sorry,” said Ray, “I don’t think I went to many teenage slumber parties. Sometimes my cousins came for the holidays, and we enjoyed eating popcorn and playing Monopoly well into the night. Perhaps you should not have invited me to this special friends and family housewarming part two.”
Patrick felt a pang. Even if he was starting a new chapter, he owed a lot to Ray. It was Ray’s offer of a job and a room that brought him to Schitt’s Creek, and then to David and the Apothecary. Ray had offered him friendship, maybe a little too much at points, but during those first weeks in Schitt’s Creek when Patrick was shell-shocked and terribly lonely, it was all he had.
“Don’t be silly, Ray,” he said, grasping Ray’s shoulder, “It wouldn’t be a party without you. How about I open this nice Scotch that you brought, and we play…” he looked around at the group desperately until David jumped in.
“Truth or Dare. Do you know that one, Ray?” David brushed Patrick’s back supportively.
“I would never DARE to not tell the TRUTH so I think I will be very good at this game,” said Ray happily as they all sat in a circle on the floor. Patrick brought Scotch for he and Ray, and Ted brought a vodka tonic for Alexis and a Jell-o shot for David. Stevie stuck to her mysterious concoction in the red plastic cup.
“Okay, how about I start,” said Patrick. He was the host, after all.
Stevie immediately jumped in. “Truth then. Who’s a better kisser, Alexis or David?” She raised her eyebrows innocently. Patrick found himself locking eyes angrily with Alexis before he could help it The whole point of this evening was a do-over, a fun low-key get together where he remembered Ray, and didn’t get wound up by Alexis, and didn’t make a fool of himself with David.
Patrick was relieved to hear Ray say evenly, “I don’t think this is a good truth for Patrick to answer. Perhaps we can think of another question. How about this: Patrick, which celebrity do you find most attractive?”
“Oooh, that’s cute, answer that one,” squealed Alexis, giving Stevie a quick glare. “Who’s your hall pass celebrity?”
“My what?”
“Come one, Patrick. Everyone has an immediate answer to that question,” said Stevie. “If the opportunity came up, who would you ask David for a hall pass to hook up with? Who’s the dream?”
Alexis added, “Most couples have this conversation at the beginning to establish the ground rules of their relationship, like what’s considered cheating, and if it’s okay to accept private plane rides from ex-boyfriends and stuff.” She and Ted exchanged a meaningful look. “Patrick, you’re such a sweetie that you haven’t made David give you his list already. I mean, it’s probably a lot shorter since that time you crashed the Degrassi cast reunion party. Did Drake ever show up?”
“Go eat lard, Alexis!” growled David.
Patrick tried to make peace. As usual. “Well, I don’t have a hall pass. Or a big celebrity crush. The only guy for me is right here!” He slung an arm around David’s shoulder and plastered a smile on his face while the whole group looked at him pityingly.
“It’s okay,” said David softly, his dark eyes meeting Patrick’s. “You can say it. I want to know.”
Patrick felt his ears growing red. He wasn’t ready to share the whole truth with the group. “I really don’t have one, I swear!”
“Mmmm. Okay,” said David, his delicate lips pursing into a tight line.
Ray had been very quiet for a while, but he chimed in, “Perhaps we should all share our celebrity crushes, or as Alexis says, our hall passes. Then I hope Patrick will realize that he is among friends and be comfortable revealing his to us. Mine is Padma Lakshmi. She is elegant, and always compassionate when she tells people to pack their knives and go.”
Alexis took the last swallow of her vodka tonic. “Ted’s is Terri Irwin. The Croc Hunter’s widow. Even though she’s really old.”
“C’mon, babe, she’s only 55, and she looks a lot younger. Plus she’s really adventurous, and she works with wild animals, and has a cool Australian accent.”
“Fine, Ted. If Terri Irwin ever comes to town to teach some wild raccoons how to ride bicycles, you can absolutely hook up with her.” Alexis seemed truly annoyed. Patrick wondered what it felt like to know your boyfriend’s secret crush was the absolute opposite of you.
“Raccoons could never ride bicycles. They don’t have the leg strength,” Ted muttered to himself. “But they do have thumbs so she could probably teach them to pick locks or something.”
“Thank you, Ted, for that horrifying image,” said David. “Let’s move on to hearing about Alexis’s so called hall pass.”
“David…” Patrick muttered, with one last try to keep the peace.
“None of your business,” snapped Alexis.
“Let me guess, then. Idris Elba? No, too sophisticated. Chris Hemsworth? No, too cheerful. Chris Hayes? No, much too intelligent.”
“Fine, David, if you must know, it’s Paul Hollywood. From Great British Bake Off.”
“But you don’t even eat carbs!” said David in disbelief.
“It makes perfect sense,” Ray piped in. “He is a stern father figure who recognizes outstanding achievement. He has twinkling blue eyes and is, I believe, what some people would call a ‘silver fox.’ Perhaps with him Alexis sees a future where she might allow herself to enjoy cakes and otherwise settle into a more matronly role.” He gave an unsettling chortle. “Now what about you, Stevie?”
“Rihanna,” said Stevie and David in unison.
“Another excellent choice,” said Ray. “I believe she inspires sexual fluidity in many people. Her balance of tough with an essential core of sweetness is an excellent match for you, Stevie.”
Patrick felt a pang of shock. Had Ray always been this insightful into people’s desires? Is this how people talked about their crushes, with such frankness? He felt naked and exposed, but he still turned to David. “What about you?”
“Are you sure you want to know?” David was speaking just to him, though he knew everyone else was listening.
“Tell me. It’s okay.”
“Harry Styles.”
Patrick suddenly felt very drab. “Oh.”
“That’s very interesting!” exclaimed Ray. Patrick had forgotten what a talker he was. “But if I may interject, do you think he is your crush, or is he perhaps an idealized version of yourself, the man you would like to be? He possesses a more colorful aesthetic than you, as well as an outgoing personality. During his time in One Direction he developed deep friendships with Liam, Niall, Louis, and Zayn, which you no doubt desire but I suspect such intimacy would be uncomfortable for you in real life. While this is only a party game, I must interject that should you ever meet Harry Styles, I don’t think you would find him to be your perfect match. You are better suited to someone who appreciates your dramatic flair, and who doesn’t try to share the spotlight.”
“Burn, David!” shrieked Alexis.
“Fine, but I am declaring this game over. There will be no more sharing of crushes, or kissing games, or giving people relationship advice,” snapped David as he walked over to the kitchen and started eating handfuls of potato chips.
The rest of the evening passed uneventfully. Ray, Ted, and David played poker while David, Stevie, and Alexis scrolled Instagram and gossiped, with Stevie sneaking frequent peeks at her phone. Patrick was incredibly relieved once everyone left and it was him and David.
“I don’t like insightful Ray,” said David as he gathered up the dirty glasses. “I like it better when he’s just barging in to ask me how many pancakes I want.”
“Harry Styles, huh? I knew you were way too excited to pre-order his new album.”
“And I like his hair and his clothes and the way he opens his mouth really wide when he sings.” David came up behind Patrick at the sink and wrapped his arms around him from behind. “But you know none of it means anything, right? I can have a crush on Harry Styles. You can have a crush on Ted.”
“I don’t have a crush on Ted!”
Patrick could practically feel David’s small, smug smile pressed against his shoulder. He turned around and tried to land a kiss.
“Uh uh,” said David, shaking his head but sinking into his arms. “Not until you tell me.”
Patrick sighed. New, confident Patrick always told the truth. “What I said before, about you being the only one for me, I meant it. It’s kind of embarrassing because it makes me feel like a desperate teenager, but I spent so long in the David Rose fan club that I still think of you as my celebrity crush.”
David’s eyes widened in surprise. “You’re making fun of me.”
“Are you kidding? When I first saw you at Ray’s, I couldn’t believe that a real person who looked like you and dressed like you and smelled like you was just walking around this town. I could have written a newsletter about your sweaters. And by the way, I like the way you dress better than Harry Styles. It’s cozier.”
“Not quite the adjective I was going for, but I’ll allow it,” murmured David as he melted against Patrick. He moved in for a kiss but pulled back. “You’re allowed to have crushes, though. I don’t want you to miss out on things because we’re together.”
“So you don’t mind if I suggest that we move things into the bedroom and turn out all the lights, and I call you Ted?”
“Actually, I mind that very much. But if Ronan Farrow, or Jon Hamm, 1970s John Travolta, or whoever does it for you, walks into the Apothecary tomorrow, I’ll give you ten minutes in the stockroom.”
“Ten minutes? That’s insulting, baby,” murmured Patrick, finally landing a kiss against David’s smile. “I’m the founder and president of the David Rose Fan Club. I took an oath to honor and protect. And to take longer than ten minutes.”
David giggled, and Patrick held him tighter. He thought of how flat his life had seemed before, with Rachel and his job at the bank. Back then, he had dreamed of being confident and decisive, not just drifting through life and wondering why nothing felt right. Now he had so much, friends and work and love and now this apartment. Maybe he didn’t have to be perfect. Maybe he could just open himself to the pleasure of this moment, David pliant and accepting against him. David Rose, with his dark eyes and expressive hands, his soft sweaters and warm skin, would always be his celebrity crush.