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Falling in love with Landon was like scuba diving, slowly, safe and knowing exactly what she was doing.
Falling in love with Lizzie was like jumping to the deep end of the pool without knowing how to swim.
Her love for Lizzie had always burned brighter than anything else. So it wasn't a surprise when she gave it all up for her.
For her and Josie, technically. She gave up Christmas and birthdays with them so they could at least have them.
The spell, the loophole, was simple really. The merge was supposed to take away one of the twins essence and merge it to the other.
And what is someone's essence but their memories and their love for someone else?
So Hope took away that essence, she took away all those memories and all that magic. It killed Lizzie and Josie. It killed their minds, but not their bodies.
Caroline cried when she brought up the solution.
Alaric left for the night, possibly to a bar.
Josie hid herself in Penelope's arms, who had a lost look on her face but moved her eyes to Hope and slightly nodded. They both preferred their girls alive with no memories than dead.
Lizzie didn't say anything that night. She went into her room, Hope on her trail, and did not answer when she called out her name.
"You should let me die." She said, softly, moments later. After she had wrapped herself around Hope and they were laying tangled in the bed. "We both know Josie is strong enough to take me out."
"That's not true. And even if it is, I'm not strong enough to lose you like that." Hope turned around in Lizzie's arms, they were facing each other as they had done many times before. She raised her head and her lips met Lizzie's. And as always, Hope, behind all that dirt and roughness in her hands, touched Lizzie with such tenderness it made her feel like she was painting in her skin all the words she was too afraid to say. Lizzie knew what the words are. I love you. Don't leave me. Stay with me. They've been through problems enough times in their lifes yet they have always met each other after. But now, three months before the merge, Lizzie felt as if this time it was final.
"How did it go?" Penelope asked as Hope sat before her on the small dinner cafe.
She didn't answer for a second, she grabbed the menu and ignored Penelope's eyes, "She doesn't remember me. I walked in the room and she me asked who I was. I'm a total stranger to her."
Lizzie looked beautiful was all Hope could think. Not only did she look beautiful but she looked free. As if there was nothing holding her back, and maybe there wasn't. She was a writer now, the voices and crazy monsters in her head weren't pushing her to her limit anymore, they were just a part of her imagination. Part of the worlds she created and will continue to create.
Hope watched from afar as Lizzie picked up the drink a man offered her and smiled at him. Saw her point to Josie, on the other side of the room, who smiled back at them. God, did Hope missed Lizzie's smile. She stared at her, longer than she should have because one moment her eyes were meeting Lizzie's and the next she was on her way to Hope.
"I know you." She said as soon as she was in earshot. Hope tensed for a second, maybe the spell hadn't worked. "You were on the last book show."
"Oh, yes." She laughed awkwardly, "I'm a big fan, actually."
"Are you now?" She said looking up and down to Hope's blue navy suit, "I wouldn't imagine someone like you to be into fantasy."
Hope laughed and she reminds herself she's just talking to Lizzie. That even if she doesn't have any of their memories together, she'll always be her Lizzie. "I'm much more than I look like."
"Oh, I'm sure." Lizzie said in a flirty tone, "come on, you can tell me what's your favorite part about my books and maybe I'll let you buy me a drink."
"I think you're supposed to buy me the drink, coming at me first and all."
"You're wearing a suit like that and you expect me to believe you're not loaded?" She said turning around and walking to the bar, "come on, maybe I'll buy the second round."
She followed her because, of course she followed, it's Lizzie. She'll always go after Lizzie. Once they sit, Hope asked why writing but she only got a groan out of Lizzie, "Not you too," she said rolling her eyes, "I'd expect the enigmatic hot girl to ask better questions than some frat boy."
Hope chuckled, Lizzie was never fan of boring questions. She looked around the room, "Do you believe in that?" She said pointing to the old couple dancing to the slow song, "that there's someone for you out there you're meant to be with?"
Lizzie turned around and looked at the couple. She smiled softly at them, "I don't know," she sighed, "I feel like there's something missing in me, someone maybe. I can never put my finger on it," she moved the hair from her eyes, it was shorter than usual, Hope noticed and she wasn't able to look away, "I feel like I had this epic love once and now I can't find it again."
"Why not?"
"I don't know," she looked over at Hope, "maybe they're better off without me."
"I don't think anyone is better off without you." Hope echoed the words Lizzie had said to her so long ago and she thought there was a flash of recognition in her eyes for a second, but it was quickly changed for softness. Lizzie stood up and extended her hand to Hope, a silent offer to dance.
They danced for a few minutes, Hope let herself get lost on the way they still worked perfectly together. Lizzie's long arms around her shoulders, looking down on Hope. The redhead's hands around Lizzie's waist, softly grabbing the beginning of her skirt. In Hope's mind, they've done this a million times. In Lizzie's, she was nothing but stranger that knew exactly how to move.
"You're really good at this," said Lizzie after a moment, "does it have anything to do with the ring on your necklace?" She looked down to the engagement ring hanging from Hope's neck.
"Something like that." She smiled sadly, "she preferred to dance shoeless on our bedroom thought."
"What happened to her?"
"I lost her a few months after I proposed."
"I'm so sorry." Lizzie moved her hand and wiped away the tear Hope didn't realized had fallen.
"Don't worry about it," she said looking up to her favorite blue eyes, "she's in a better place now." She sighed and stepped back, "I should go."
"Can't you stay a bit longer?" Lizzie asked, "I'll buy you another drink."
"I can't, sorry." She got on her tipped toes and softly kissed Lizzie's cheek.
"Wait," she grabbed her hand, "I don't even know your name."
"I'm sorry," Penelope reached out and grabbed Hope's hand, "at least they're safe now." Hope reminded herself she wasn't the only one that had lost their loved one, Penelope had lost as much as her. Josie had forgotten them too.
"Yeah-" she took out the sunglasses out of her face making the bags under her eyes visible- "she said she felt as if someone was missing." She added softly.
"Well, of course. She doesn't have you now." She smiled sadly, "do you- do you think they'll be able to remember one day?"
"I don't know. Freya said something might trigger their memory one day but it wasn't probable."
"Lizzie remembered you once, maybe she'll do it again."
"I hope she doesn't," she sighed then and continued at Penelope's surprised face, "it'd only put her in danger, Freya said getting back their memories will eventually kill them. She's better off."
Lizzie knocked on her door three years later. She wore a proud smile, "I found you."
"Lizzie," the name fell from her lips without her consent yet she did not seem surprised at all. She only stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Hope, "what-"
"I remember. You popped into my messed up brain like an acid flashback, again."
Hope reached out and put her hands on Lizzie's face, "How?"
"I don't know," she whispered back, "you keep understating how much I need you."
Lizzie moved forward and rested their foreheads together, or maybe Hope did, she wasn't sure.
"You shouldn't remember me, it's too dangerous for you." She felt a tear that wasn't her own fell on her cheek and looked up to see Lizzie crying.
"I know," she said, "I won't remember you for long."
"What do you mean?"
"I thought I was going crazy at first. Having this visions of me in another life. That they were dreams, a part of my brain still writing stories." She moved herself from Hope and sat at the sofa a couple steps away from her, she extended her hand to Hope. She took it and sat beside her. "Until I remembered you. The girl from the bar was real. She had a name and she loved me."
"That doesn't explain why you said you won't remember me for long."
Lizzie sighed and wiped away her tears, "I tend to forget once I remember it all. I've been writing it all down, to make myself understand once I start remembering again. But when I forget I throw all the notes away, thinking it's just a bad story. It's an endless loop." Her voice broke at the end but she took a deep breath and kept going, "I'm so tired Hope, I want it to stop." She rested her forehead against Hope's, “I can feel myself pulling away. And a part of me wants to let it, so I can move on and live life without you. But the other part is praying the loop will never stop. So I'll never lose you. And you'll never lose me."
"I lost you a long time ago, Lizzie." She let out a shaky breath, she closed her eyes and let herself be lost in that one moment. Imagining Lizzie was actually back, that she won't forget her again. "That hurt you're feeling are the past catching up to you. Slowly killing you." Lizzie needed to leave, she was going to die. And it was all because of her, because she was weak and went to see her. The words ran through Hope's mind but they were interrupted.
"Do you remember when I told you we were together until the bitter end?," Hope nodded, "when I forgot you...You never followed me. After everything we went through, you just let me walk away. Why?"
"I did follow. But you were happy. You had your books and Josie. And you smiled freely." Hope smiled, sad and painful, trying in wain so hard not to show Lizzie just in how much pain she was in, "I just followed in the shadows because doing otherwise would have put you in danger. And you were happy. I always wanted that for you."
"And I always wanted you." Lizzie's voice broke, "I'll always want you. I love you."
"It's not the same. It's not the same as it was before, and it won't ever be again. You have another life now, a better life. Going back to before would just kill you."
Lizzie stood up, angry, "Don't you understand! That new life is empty! It's boring! I always feel like there's something missing, and when I realize you are missing, I forget you all over again." She knelled before Hope and took her hands in her, "Please, Hope. Let's fix this, I love you."
"You can say that as many times as you want, but it won't change anything. You don't remembering it's to keep you safe. I'll talk to Freya, see if we can find a way to keep your memories at bay."
"No, no, no," she shook her head, she hid her face between Hope's legs, "I want to remember, I need you Hope. Even if you don't love me anymore."
"I love you so much," she rested her hands on top of Lizzie's head, "that's exactly why I'm doing this."
Lizzie fell to the floor, unconscious.
She received a text from an unknown number one winter night, two years later.
"Hope. I remember. Please. Let's talk."
She can't bring herself to answer then. The text remains unopened until three days later when Penelope finds her looking at it and answers for her.
"Monday, 4pm. Tom's cafe?"
The reply came later in the day.
"Sorry. Who's this?"
"Do I know you?" The blonde asked.
Hoped looked up, surprised, at hearing Lizzie's voice again. She was living in New Orleans again. Thought the ghosts of her parents might make her forget the ghost of Lizzie. Her hair was longer again, a year long length. She was wearing a denim overall with a blue shirt underneath. Hope had always loved it when Lizzie used sunglasses but in that moment she was loathing them for covering up her blue eyes.
"I'm sorry," she continued awkwardly, "I just- you're that girl right? The one from the book show."
Hope moved uncomfortable in her chair and waved her hand at Lizzie with a small smile on her face, "That's me."
"Maybe I can buy you that drink now?" She smiled kindly, reminding Hope of that night long ago when they danced.
"Oh, I'd love to but-" she watched Lizzie's face fall,"but I'm actually waiting for my aunt."
"No, you're not," said Freya while she walked over to them and picked up her bag, "Nik's school called, they think he's sick."
"Do you need me to go with you?"
"Absolutely not, you girls have fun." She gave Lizzie a bright smile and winked at Hope as she left.
"What brings you to New Orleans?" Hope asked as Lizzie sat in front of her and took off her glasses.
"I've always wanted to come here, there's just something here." She answered, a smirk on her face. "I've heard so many stories about it."
Once upon a time Hope had told her too. About the streets full of people. The magic in the air. All the costumes and cultures. "Yes, it's rather magic."
Lizzie looked her up and down, "What brings you here?"
"I live here, actually."
"Great," she said with mischief in her eyes, "you can give me a tour later."
"Who says I want to?" Hope answered, raising an eyebrow.
"I see the way your eyes keep shifting to my legs. You want to."
They talked about the food, the weather, Lizzie's lastest book, Hope told her one or two stories about New Orleans' legends. It wasn't long before they were walking side by side along the street markets.
"You know, I still don't know your name," said Lizzie while she watched one of the street artists paint.
"Well, maybe at the end of the night you'll find out." Hope received a huff and a shoulder crashing with hers as answer, but Lizzie said nothing else.
At some point Lizzie took Hope's hand and dragged her some old books. None of them let go after.
Hope should've said no when Lizzie asked her to go with her to her hotel room. She should've said no when Lizzie asked her if she wanted a drink. She should've definitely said no when Lizzie asked if she could kiss her. That way she wouldn't be laying on Lizzie's king size bed, her shirt already somewhere on the floor along with Lizzie's pants and both their shoes, Lizzie on top of her, slowly leaving a trail of kisses in her neck.
She knew, in some part of her mind, that she should stop pretending this was her Lizzie. That the woman on top of her was the same woman who had been in that same position more times that she can count. But then Lizzie kissed her way down to Hope's belly and all logical thoughts left her mind.
Hope leaves hours later, after the sun had set and Lizzie had fallen asleep. She put a silent spell on herself and slowly dressed. She sat besides Lizzie for a second and watched her sleep. She looked at the small wrinkles that have started to form on her face, the almost unnoticeable white hairs that have grown in the past few years. She looked at her left hand and the empty finger where once was her engagement ring.
She sighed and left the room.
Dear Hope.
I don't think I'll ever fully understand why you're so headset on making sure we're not together. That I never remember you. I understand the memories will kill me, eventually, but I rather spend that time with you than here, alone. But the memories, no matter how hard you and I try, keep coming back. And I want them with me. The stories we had. The adventures. The love.
It's been years since the last time I saw you. I've published a couple of books since then. If you've read them, and I'm pretty sure you have, you've read all the stories of loss and impossible love. It's the only way I have to keep you with me now.
A lot has changed since that day in New Orleans.
Josie got married two years ago. She has a little daughter, she's wonderful. There's still that part of me that feels like Josie is trying to fill the void left there by Penelope. But her mind was the opposite of mine, she never remembered. I think she forgets more and more, I'm scared she might forget me too, one day.
Maybe someday, in another life perhaps, we can rewrite our story. Maybe in that story we can stay together, and have that future we always talked about. Maybe we'll only be in love and happy.
But I can't linger in that wish for the rest of my life. Maybe I just have to move on. Maybe someday we will just become a memory that happened long ago. Maybe we won’t remember the time that we had or the love that we shared. Maybe I will forget your smile, your lips and the person I was so in love with. I really hope I don't, thought. I'll always love you, Hope.
Maybe somewhere we get the ending that we should have. We just met in the wrong universe. I have to believe that, that maybe someday we will meet again when the timing is right and there is nothing holding us back. Not a damn Merge keeping us apart. Not a spell keeping me from remembering you.
I've decided to leave. Go where you can't find me and take my memories away again. I ask you not to look for me. Stay away. Stay away until our wishes are once again the same and you see our future together again.
I'll be waiting for you.
Yours, always.
Lizzie.
The knocks wake up Lizzie. She looks at the clock and sees 4:00 staring back at her. She drags herself to the door and remains unmoving until the woman standing at the door speaks up.