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“If anything is worth it, it’s you .”
You didn’t expect to hear those words falling from his mouth. You didn’t expect the blush on his face either. When you came to visit that day, you didn’t expect anything really, at least anything apart from the usual banter, some casual flirting and a bottle of good wine. And yet here you were, sitting on a sofa, glasses of exceptionally good wine in your hands and a conversation that has suddenly turned into something you really wanted and were afraid of at the same time.
You had to admit you wanted this. It was painfully obvious for a while now. All the support you gave him throughout the last few months, all the times you went ahead of yourself to help him in the slightest; hell, you even managed to help him with the most complicated research based on tar chemicals that seemed to be impossible to examine under conventional circumstances. He had to know. You never said anything, never demanded anything in return and honestly, his company was enough to keep you going. But you couldn’t deny that you wanted more . Your heart skipped a beat every time he smiled, every time he pulled you into a hug when you arrived at his lab. But you knew that he was solely focused on finding his family. It hurt, but that was what he wanted, so you supported him in any way you could. And then he told you that he was moving on. That he finally understood it was pointless. That he realized he will be separated from his family even after death. That he wanted to focus on here and now . And you were happy, because he was happy. Still, you didn’t expect him to tell you that he actually wanted to try and treat his condition. That twenty one minutes was not enough for him. That he wanted more time here and now . And being the careful person that you were, you had to talk this through with him.
So there you were, glasses of exceptionally good wine in your hands, sitting on a sofa so close you could feel the heat radiating off his body. Your knees were pressing against his legs and he was playing with the hem of your trouser leg. The snowstorm outside made you feel more dizzy than the actual alcohol. You hated those weather shifts. But you were glad you could spend this time with him. Even if your head was starting to spin from all those pressure changes.
“You do realize that it’s going to take a long time, don’t you?” You asked, just because you felt it should have been said. “And it’s probably going to hurt. A heart transplant is not a simple thing. Especially in your state.”
“I know,” he answered, smiling at you softly. “But I want to go this… extra mile, if you will. I’m tired of this life I can’t even call life. I want a shot at the real thing again.”
You sighed. You were glad he thought so, but you couldn’t stop worrying.
“I understand,” you said after a while, swirling the wine in your glass with a motion of your hand. “I really do, Heartman. But I don’t want you to suffer any more than you already had to. This might be an entirely new level of pain. And the rehabilitation is not going to be easy either.”
“I know,” he repeated, the smile still present on his face. “But this is important to me. I really want to be able to go outside, you know. To travel. To see more of the world. And to have time for my friends. The people I care about.”
“I just… I know it’s going to be hard on us, you know. Worrying about you. Not that I don’t worry about you now,” you laughed and his smile grew wider. “But I just want you to know that I’ll be here for you. No matter what you decide, I will support you and I will help you. Even if I have to move in here and take care of you.”
He moved a little closer and placed a hand on your knee. You tried so hard not to show how much it affected you.
“Thank you. It means a lot to me. But I want you to know that I would never ask anything like that of you. There will be professionals helping me. I…”
“I don’t want to hear this,” you said, anger mockingly present in your voice. “I’m not leaving your side. I would be even more stressed if I couldn’t be next to you every step of the way. Especially if you decide to go through with this plan of yours. I just hope it’s all worth it in the end.”
He didn’t say anything for a while. He kept looking at you, the warmth in his eyes telling you more about what he was feeling than his words ever could. You didn’t want him to suffer, but you wanted him to do this. You wanted him to try. You did, because it possibly could mean that he-
“If anything is worth it, it’s you .”
At first you thought you didn’t hear him right. You could feel the blush blooming on your cheeks. Did he just…? What?
“I…”
“Sorry,” he said, obviously embarrassed with his own words. “I… shouldn’t have said that. I just… I don’t know what got into me. Must be the wine talking. I’m sorry, I’m gonna go and get another bottle and…”
He was starting to babble and get up from the couch, but you didn’t let him. You reached out and wrapped your fingers around his wrist, pulling him back down. He seemed puzzled but he followed your lead, sitting down and trying very hard not to be too close to you.
“Wait,” you said, not letting go of his hand. “Did you… really mean that?”
He looked at you then, obviously trying to evaluate your expression. Trying to figure out the best way to go about this.
“I… I did,” he said, sounding defeated. “I didn’t mean to say it out loud though. I… don’t know what happened. I’m sorry. But yes, I did mean it. I thought you know how much you mean to me.”
You smiled and moved your hand against his wrist, placing it gently in his palm. He looked at your joined hands, still puzzled, but at least not panicking . You placed your glass of wine on the table and reached for his to do the same. He was so still you thought he must’ve been holding his breath.
“I do,” you whispered after a while, trying to reassure him with a smile. “And I want you to know that you mean a lot to me too. And that it would break my heart if something happened to you.”
He looked into your eyes then, obviously looking for something. You squeezed his hand, trying to remind him that you were both still here .
“Can I… touch you?” he asked after a while, blush evident on his face again.
“Yes,” you said, squeezing his hand again.
He moved slowly but surely, kneeling down right next to you on the couch. Reaching out with his right hand he brushed your cheek with his fingertips. You shivered under his touch, trying to control yourself. He was there , he was touching you. You never wanted him to stop.
He was so close to you that you could feel his warm breath on the tip of your nose. You moved your head to look into his eyes just as he placed his palm flat against your cheek. Nuzzling into his hand, you smiled and let out a contented sigh. His warmth was so sweet and addictive. When he placed his other hand on your other cheek, you parted your lips to say something, but he met you halfway and spoke first.
“You’re so strong,” he whispered softly, his breath ghosting your lower lip. “And yet I feel like I’m your only weakness.”
“You are,” you answered, reaching out to tangle your fingers into his hair. “But I don’t really mind, you know. It’s fine as long as I’m by your side.”
“If that’s the case, I never want you to leave.”
Suddenly you felt his thumb moving against your jaw, resting next to your lips. You couldn’t stop yourself then. You pulled his head towards yourself and placed a soft kiss on his lips. It was just a quick peck, a sweet little something to seal the deal. But when he whimpered against your lips, coming undone under your touch, you knew it won’t be enough. You knew you both wanted more.
The next kiss was bolder, yes, but still tentative and questioning. You felt your chest constrict with pain. Did he really want this? Or maybe he still wasn’t sure about his feelings… or yours?
“I’m sorry,” he said, obviously trying to collect his thoughts. “I… haven’t done this in a while. I don’t really know… I was never really good at any of this.”
You blinked a few times. He must be joking.
“What are you talking about?”
“I... “ He was obviously babbling now. “You must have some… expectations, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to… I’m not really, uh...”
You rolled your eyes. This guy .
“Heartman,” you said, looking into his eyes. “The only expectation I have is you . I don’t care about anything else. I just want you .”
He looked up, straight into your eyes, probably trying to assess if what you were saying was true. So you smiled at him. Again. Just to give him more comfort.
“You… really want… me ?”
You placed a hand on his cheek and brushed it softly with your thumb.
“Yes. More than anything.”
He didn’t say anything, he just moved closer with an uncertain smile on his lips, diving in for a kiss again. This time you weren’t planning on letting him go that easily. You pulled him towards yourself, hard, wrapping one hand around his neck and pulling at his shirt with the other. When he surrounded your waist with his arms, you knew he had no intentions of letting you go either.
“I’ve been thinking about this for so long ,” he whispered against your lips right before he captured them in a heated kiss.
You lost your ability to think straight for at least a few seconds. The only thing you could focus on was the warmth and the softness of his lips. God , the softness of his lips. When he parted them after a very suggestive lick from your side and you felt his tongue slide against yours, you were pretty sure it was you who moaned louder. You couldn’t let go. Now that you finally had him, there was no way you would.
The kiss was hot, messy and long awaited. You could feel his desperation in the way he clinged to you, the way he licked into your mouth. You didn’t want to stop. It felt like coming home, the way you fitted against one another. It felt so right. So much better than anything you ever...
“THREE MINUTES TO CARDIAC ARREST”
He pulled away from you, breathing hard, burying his face in the crook of your neck, pressing his lips against the skin there. You sighed and suddenly realized how fast your heart was beating. It wasn’t easy to come down from that.
“Stay with me?” he whispered, slotting himself between you and the back of the couch.
“Sure,” you kissed the top of his head, closing your eyes. “I’ll be here when you come back.”
When silence fell around the both of you, you embraced him with both arms, pulled him close and inhaled the scent of his cologne. Strong, sweet and just a little bit overwhelming. The smell you always associated with his presence, with him standing a little too close to you, and yet too far to touch, too far to reach for.
Now it was going to be the smell of his presence right next to you, in your arms, body pressed against yours, welcoming .
You’ll always be here to welcome him back.