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You sat down on the grass, trying to collect your thoughts and relax before coming back to work. The weather was surprisingly pleasant; warm wind ghosting your face, some kind of sweet, flowery smell heavy in the air. Spring was in full bloom and you were so glad to have this moment outside. It wasn’t often that you could just unwind and sit down like that. You even made sure to bring a vacuum mug filled with tea to support you during the recess.
As it was, you really did have a lot to think about. You always knew that you were too nice for your own good. Too naive. You couldn’t help it at this point though; it was in your nature just like your parents’ before you, in the way they taught you to live and interact with society. You found yourself used and exploited by others many times, never truly able to read their intentions, always assuming that they were fueled by something good, by the will to do something right. The funny thing is, he was the first one you read right away. You knew it was wrong to even talk to him. You knew you should avoid him at all costs. You knew that his nature was an almost polar opposite to yours, incredibly selfish and arrogant, always focusing on his own gain. But even knowing all this you were somehow drawn to him, actually enjoying the time you spent together. You couldn’t really pinpoint the reason for that at first, but as time passed and as your meetings grew more frequent you realized it was because of the way he talked. He was a smart guy, very quick to learn new things, very attentive to whatever you would talk about. Truth was, he seemed to be the first person in a pretty long while to challenge you intellectually. And you liked that. You liked that because he made you see things in a new, fascinating light. Especially when it came to the events of the Death Stranding and the true potential of chiralium.
Now, you might have been naive, but you weren’t stupid. You knew of all that his ego has brought upon him. When he fell, he fell hard - putting everything on the scale and losing it all in the end. You saw the surprise, the desperation, the fear present on his face for the first time ever. And it did something to you - seeing him vulnerable, lost and defeated made you realize something you were trying to hide from all along.
It made you realize that you cared. Probably a little too much.
The realization dawned upon you as something so obvious you should’ve been able to tell a long time ago. But you made a pretty good job of pretending the feeling wasn’t there. Even though you knew he was just using you like all his other assets. Even though you knew you were as disposable to him as a paper towel. Even though you knew he was spending time with you just because he was bored . Yes, you were naive. But you were not desperate. It was time to let him go. You had to focus on other things, focus on your work; nothing good could’ve ever come of tending to him instead of the people who actually needed you. And you knew that getting attached to someone like him would just end in a disaster anyway.
So you stopped replying to his emails. You stopped taking his calls. You would send him an occasional message telling him how busy you were and that he should take the time to nurse himself back to health. That he should tend to his injuries. It was strange, not seeing him for nearly a month after spending so much time together. But you promised yourself to stay strong in your resolve. To not give in to something as trivial as missing him. You could do more good if you let him go.
Except now that he no longer occupied the space on your couch, he constantly occupied the space in your head.
You sighed and took a long sip of your tea. You had to get through this somehow. Might have been easier if you had other friends to spend time with, but in this world connections were not something to be built easily. Most of your friends were gone. Some of them indefinitely.
But you still had your job to do. You still had your research and enough chiralium supply to run your tests. People needed you and distractions were not welcome.
You laid down on the grass with a heavy sigh, happy to feel the warmth of the earth beneath you. It calmed your nerves, soothed the white noise in your head. You took a few deep breaths to commit the smell of blooming flowers to memory. You almost forgot what it was like. Cooped up in your lab, rarely coming outside because of all the storms and BTs. It was much better now. Easier. But your heart was somehow heavier.
You had no idea how long you spent laying there with your eyes closed. You probably even took a short nap on the warm ground. You expected the warmth to pass soon, to give way to evening and ultimately to the cold winds of the night. What you didn’t expect was to see someone standing over you when you woke up.
You did not expect to see Higgs.
“Took you long enough,” you heard him say, an unnerving tone to his voice. “I’ve been standing here for the last what… ten minutes?”
You sat up quickly, blinking once, then twice. It wasn’t a mirage. He was really there.
“What are you doing here?”
“What, am I not allowed to visit an old friend now? Is this the way you greet all your visitors?”
“No,” you answered quickly, taking another sip of your tea. “Only the ones who are not welcome.”
“Now that is just rude.”
“It’s showing up here with no invitation what’s rude. I’m busy, you know.”
“I know. Or so you’ve been telling me. But I don’t see you working too hard.”
“I’m human. I need to take breaks.”
“Yeah right. Cut the crap. What’s up? Why have you been ignoring me?”
You rolled your eyes and focused on the tea again. What were you supposed to tell him?
Before you even managed to collect your thoughts, he sat down next to you and nudged you with his elbow. You sighed and turned to face him.
“I’m not ignoring you. I’m busy. I already told you.”
“Busy saving humanity? Busy laying on the grass? Busy ignoring me?”
“Not everything has to be about you.”
“Maybe not, but I’m pretty sure it is. At least now. So wanna tell me what’s going on or do I have to guess? I have time, you know. I can do this all week.”
“I can’t. I have to work.”
Was it… impatience that you were hearing in his voice? Or was he getting angry? You couldn’t really tell, but there was certainly a different undertone to his speech now. Something edgy. Something else .
“I called you seventy two times. You only picked up once. I sent you twenty long emails. You replied to two. You call this not ignoring me?”
“Higgs,” you sighed again, shaking your head. “I’m trying to focus on my work. I have a lot to do. I can’t be distracted now.”
“So you’re saying that I’m distracting you? I should probably take this as a compliment.”
“It’s not a compliment. It’s the best explanation you’re going to get.”
He went quiet for a while. That was something you didn’t expect.
“Why are you so distant, Y/N? Tell me. I’m worried.”
Worried. He’s worried. You almost laughed.
“I just… you don’t need me, Higgs. And I don’t need you. It’s probably for the best if we stay away from each other.”
You were suprised to feel his hand squeeze your shoulder. It was not a pleasant surprise, but it made you look at him nonetheless.
“Why are you saying this, Y/N? Why now? We didn’t really need each other before either. Yet I’m pretty certain you enjoyed my company during those long, boring nights filled with snowstorms.”
“I did. But that was before I knew who… what you were. Admit it. I’m just another asset to you. You never really cared about me. Just about what I could do for you. And I was stupid enough to actually help you.”
Wow. He looked really offended.
“That’s the stupidest thing I've ever heard, Y/N. It would probably even hurt me if I knew you were telling the truth.”
“I am telling the truth. I don’t want to be used by you any longer. I have to focus on things that actually matter. You can go bother the porters if you’re bored. I don’t have time for this.”
His movement was sudden and actually a little bit startling. He moved up, reached out for your face and framed it with his hands. For a while you thought that he was going to headbutt you. Instead, he just looked into your eyes with intent so strong it almost broke your resolve.
“So this is it? You think I’m bored? You think we don’t matter? Are you for real?”
You hesitated. Probably for a while too long. But you were not going to break because of the anger in his voice.
“I think you use people, Higgs. And I think you were using me too. And I don’t need this anymore. I want to do things that help people, not bring chaos to their lives. You are evil. You always were. I just couldn’t see it that clearly before.”
He let go of your face, letting his hands fall down his sides. His facial expression was suddenly something between hurt and anger. You almost regretted saying what you did. Almost.
“Did you ever even care about me? About my feelings?”
You didn’t reply. What were you supposed to say? You did care. But you didn’t want him to know.
Suddenly, he stood up and started pacing back and forth. You could see that he was distressed. Angry. You were actually surprised to see that your words affected him this much.
“Higgs, I don’t…”
“And here I thought you were different. That you were not like other people,” he spat, not letting you finish. “I thought you liked me. I thought we were friends. I thought… I thought I had something to keep me here. Someone. But no, of course not. Higgs is the monster, it’s all his fault. I’ve learned my lesson. I should have never trusted you. You think I used you?” he suddenly stopped right in front of you and brought his legs down to a squat. His face was inches from yours now. “Well, I think you used me. How does that sound?”
You wanted to turn away from him, to hide from the piercing look in his eyes. You felt like he could see right through you, right through the walls you put up to not let him get any closer. You felt so wrong when he was looking at you like that.
“You’re delusional, Higgs,” you whispered through gritted teeth. “And you’re mad. You are known to make people your puppets and then discard them when you no longer need them. Do you need me to remind you what you did to Fragile?”
He moved closer. You scooted back. You were actually starting to worry. Would he hurt you? What if he did? There was nobody here to help you. When he grabbed your hands, you actually felt panic rising deep in your gut. Even stripped from his powers, Higgs could still easily overpower you with his bare strength. A shiver ran down your spine.
“Fragile,” he hissed, his nose almost touching yours, “Was not you. She was a tool. I was wrong about her. But you… you… I thought you were… all this time, I thought…”
The desperation in his voice was new. The shift in his speech was strange. Unfamiliar. It went straight to your heart, piercing it with searing pain. Was he… scared? Angry? Lonely? Or maybe all of that?
You tried to move your hands, but his grip was heavy, almost punishing. There was no way for you to escape. He moved even closer, kneeling between your legs. You were frightened.
“I don’t know what you thought,” you whispered, suddenly ashamed of the fear so obvious in your voice. “You never showed me. You never let me understand. You just took whatever you wanted.”
He pressed his forehead against yours. Cold. Another shiver went through your entire body.
“I never showed you,” he repeated, a weird laugh finishing the sentence. “That’s true. I never did. I didn’t know how. But I will. I’ll make you understand. I’ll make you see. That’s easy.”
When he pressed his lips against yours, he took you by surprise. You gasped. The sheer desperation of this gesture took your breath away. His lips were chapped but warm, not an unwelcome presence against your mouth. You closed your eyes. The worry didn’t dissipate at all.
He let go of your hands and brought them to his face, pulling you closer, teeth nudging at your lower lip. You moaned against your will, hoping he wouldn’t notice, but he did. He pressed into you even harder, licking into your mouth with wild abandon, not even stopping to take a breath. Hs hands were suddenly behind your back, pulling you closer, flush against his chest. You couldn’t move away, you couldn’t let go. But you didn’t want to.
You tried to pull away from the kiss to breathe, but he chased your mouth with his immediately, not letting you go. It was messy and ehxilarating at the same time. But you had to breathe. At least for a while.
“No, don’t, don’t go ”, he whispered against your lips whenever you tried to put some distance between you. “Don’t turn me away. Please. Please. I’m begging you.”
You never heard this type of desperation in his voice. Broken. Scared. The kisses were grounding him, you could tell; and when you didn’t move away he pushed into you even more.
“I’m not,” you said between kisses, against your own will. “I’m here. I’m here.”
One final push sent you back on the grass with Higgs on top of you. His hands were in your hair, on your face, tracing lines against your hips. You fisted his shirt to bring him closer. You needed to make this right.
“Y/N, I’m…”
“Shut up,” you said, your lips ghosting against his. “I think I get it now.”
He leaned into your touch, chasing your hand where it reached for his cheek. You felt another sting in your chest at the look on his face. He was scared. So all this time... and he only showed you that now.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured, voice barely above a whisper. “I’m so sorry.”
He kissed you again, hard, grinding against you with his entire body. He was heavy, but you didn’t really mind. It was a welcome weight to counter the constant painful pull in your chest. When you felt his fingers in your hair again, you moaned. He was actually gentle. Desperate and so lonely, but surprisingly gentle.
Your moan made him moan too. The shiver that ran down your spine this time was something entirely different from the fear you felt not so long ago.
Biting your lower lip, he closed his eyes and nuzzled your nose with his. You bit him right back, sliding your tongue against his. Who would have thought this might be a better way to settle your argument. Pushing and pulling back and forth you made a hot, writhing mess of each other. It felt oddly satisfying in more ways than one. But you needed to settle this. And you decided to take him by surprise.
You managed to roll him onto his back, straddling his hips and locking him down with your thighs. He looked at you then; looked at you in a way you’ve never seen before. Admiring. Passionate. Desperate. Wanting. So many emotions visible on his face you didn’t even know he was capable of.
Who would have guessed. Maybe you were wrong about him after all.
“You can stay,” you whispered, trying to collect yourself somehow. “But we need to set a few things straight.”
“Anything,” he answered, reaching up to place his hands on your hips. “Anything you say. I’ll do anything.”
You were starting to like that side of him. Submissive, desperate. In a good way.
“You help me with my work. I let you stay at my place. You do the dishes.”
He nodded eagerly, a smile spreading across his lips. You lowered yourself to place a soft kiss on his forehead.
“I’ll even walk the dog.”
“I don’t have a dog.”
“Well, that’s something we could look into.”
You shook your head with a laugh. He was impossible.
But maybe, just maybe, you will be able to make this work.
You were definitely willing to try.