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Sitting at the table you tapped your fingers nervously against the wooden surface. He was late. And he was never late. Was everything alright? Did something happen to him? Maybe he got hurt and had no way to contact you? So many thoughts racing through your head and you had no way to stop them. You couldn’t help but worry.
On one hand you knew that he was strong and resilient, that if anyone had what it takes to do all this, it would be him; on the other you couldn’t ignore the little seeds of anxiety rooting themselves in your brain, always reminding you that this time something could go wrong. You didn’t like the feeling, but you couldn’t help it. The more you cared, the more you worried.
You stood up and went to the kitchen to busy yourself with something. Your shelter was nothing special, but at least you had some space to cook and something you could call a living room. Although calling four square meters a room was a bit of an overstatement, you still liked to think about it that way. Especially since you went out of your way to make it cozy and comfortable.
You turned on the stove and placed a kettle on one of the burners. It was always a good time for tea. As soon as the water was ready you poured it over dried mint leaves and a few spices of your own choosing. Before you managed to take the first sip however, you heard the familiar alarm sound telling you that somebody has arrived at the surface. You smiled to yourself and placed the mug on the counter before making it upstairs.
Sam was right there, standing by the terminal to deliver your package. He was surprised to see the door open, but you were glad to notice a small smile on his face.
“Good evening, Sam,” you said, returning the gesture. “Is everything okay? You’re not usually late. I was worried.”
“Uh, yeah,” he answered, handing you the package. “it’s fine. I just had to take a detour because of a new MULE camp. Pain in the ass, is what it is.”
“Well, I’m glad to see that you’re okay. Thank you for the delivery,” you reached out to take the package from him. “I really needed this for my research. I’m glad you were able to make it, especially since the weather has been awful those past few days.”
He nodded, taking off his hood and wiping black stains from his face. It was only then that you noticed he must have encountered BTs on his way here. As if the snow and wind wasn’t enough. You suddenly felt guilty. You knew that this was his job, that he actually liked what he was doing; still, you didn’t want him to suffer because of it.
“So…”, you said, turning your head away so that you didn’t have to look Sam in the eyes. “Any more deliveries today? Or are you done?”
“Oh, I’m so done. I’m actually not taking any for the next few days. I feel like I could sleep for an entire week.”
You could see that he was tired even in the way his arms tensed when he took off his backpack to repack it. Noticing he wasn’t really looking at you, you approached him and cleared your throat.
“Well, if that’s the case,” you said, suddenly feeling nervous. Why were you nervous? You have been thinking about this for a few days and had everything planned inside and out. “Maybe you’d like to stay for dinner?”
He suddenly stopped whatever he was doing with his backpack and looked up at you, obviously puzzled. He shot a quick glance outside into the raging snowstorm, and then back at you. You could see that he really wasn’t into going back outside immediately. Then again, you also knew that he never wanted to be a burden or impose his presence unless he had absolutely no other choice.
“You mean right now?” he asked, standing up slowly and adjusting the containers he just packed.
“Well, yes. I just made dinner and you look like you could use a hot meal. And a shower, if you please.”
Of course you couldn’t admit that you made more food hoping that he would say yes and actually stay. And that the instrument you ordered was just an excuse to see him once again.
Funny what solitude does to people.
“That… would be nice,” he spoke slowly but surely, as if trying to convince himself that it was okay. “I don’t have anywhere to be anyway and the weather is a bitch.”
You smiled. He didn’t have to make excuses, but you thought he probably needed them more than you did.
It’s not like you spent a lot of time together, but you did enjoy the porter’s company whenever he came to deliver one of your orders. You’d talk for a while, drink tea, make a few jokes and then he’d leave. But you’d always wonder how he was, if everything was okay and whether he was being safe out there. Also, you liked the fact that he didn’t talk too much. Sometimes you would just sit together in comfortable silence so that he could rest before hitting the road. And you liked that, you even started looking forward to these moments. It’s not like you had many people to talk to. In the shelter, it was just you and your plants. People rarely came to visit and even if they did you were usually just irritated with them being too engaging. It was different with Sam. Simple. Comfortable.
You started looking forward to these visits more and more.
You could also tell that he enjoyed them too. There was a strange type of pull between the two of you, something resembling familiarity, but very fragile at the same time. You were constantly worried that one wrong word, one wrong action could destroy this bond and at the same time you had no idea how to strengthen it. So you went for the simple things - company, tea, occasional banter. And now dinner.
He placed his backpack on a rack and entered your shelter. You gave him a fresh towel and gestured towards the bathroom so that he could take a shower. He accepted it with gratitude - it was fascinating to you how you managed to learn his expressions, even though to some they might seem unnoticeable. But you always noticed. The small twitch of his lips, the rising of his brow. You always knew what he wanted to tell you. Maybe that’s why he was so comfortable in your presence.
“Uhh… could you take Lou?” he asked suddenly, the tone in his voice inquisitive. “I don’t want to take her into the shower.”
He handed you his BB pod, filled with a strange liquid with a live baby inside. The pods always scared you, but this particular one looked… different. Friendly. As soon as you lifted it up to your face to take a better look, the baby waved at you and blew a bubble of air that strangely resembled a heart.
You’ve never seen a BB up close, but maybe there was no need to be that afraid.
“Sure thing,” you answered, smiling at the baby. She was actually kind of cute.
“She likes you,” Sam said, strange warmth in his voice that you’ve never heard before. Strange but nice. You noticed it made your heart warmer too.
“Well, I’ll take her into the living room then. You enjoy that shower.”
“Oh, I’m sure I will.”
At first you wanted to place the BB pod on one of the shelves, but you realized that it might be a better idea to find a more… comfortable place. So you took one of your pillows, tucked it into the corner of a couch and placed Lou on top of it. The baby waved her hands in your general direction and smiled again. Huh. No wonder Sam was so attached to the kid.
You went into the kitchen to heat up the food and prepare some tea. For the first time in a really long while you felt content. It was good to have Sam around, it was nice to just know that he’s here. You smiled to yourself and started humming and unknown tune. You could get used to this.
“Need some help?” you heard Sam’s voice after a while and turn around to meet his gaze. He was standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame, hair still wet after the shower. He was smiling. It was a tiny and unsure smile, but it was there.
“Oh, no, I’m almost done,” you smiled, trying to hide the blush on your face. “You can sit down and relax. I’ll be right there.”
You placed the food on two plates and brought it into the living room. Sam was there, sitting on one of the cushions by the table and playing with Lou. It was so nice to see him that way, relaxed and happy. You could almost feel yourself relax too.
You left the plates on the table and went back to the kitchen to bring back a bowl of salad and some tea. When you sat down on the other side of the table and poured the beverage into two mugs, Sam took one with a quiet thank you and started eating. You didn’t really know why his presence made you feel this strange warmth inside your chest, but you could feel it every single time he was close by. You liked the feeling so much it really made you miss him when he wasn’t there.
“Do I have something on my face?” he suddenly asked with a playful smile, startling you. You must have been staring.
“Sorry. I’m just… it’s good to see you. It’s been a while, you know.”
His smile grew a little wider.
“Yeah, I guess. Probably a little too long.”
You felt yourself blushing again and decided to start eating to hide it. Even if he noticed, he didn’t say anything.
You enjoyed the meal mostly in silence, exchanging occasional smiles and a few short comments. You were glad to see that he seemed to have enjoyed the meal, not protesting when you offered him seconds. You couldn’t remember when was the last time someone enjoyed your cooking. Was it a year ago? Maybe two. Your perception of time seemed to be a little skewed lately.
„Thank you, it was delicious,” he said after a while, slumping in his cushion and exhaling blissfully. „I can’t remember the last time I ate a home cooked meal.”
„You’re very welcome,” you answered, turning a little to take a better look at him. „I like cooking, you know. You can pop by from time to time if you’d like. I’d gladly have you as my guest.”
„I do-don’t want to be a burden,” there was hesitation in his voice, making him stutter for a second. „I’m just the delivery man, you know. You don’t have to do this.”
„I know,” you laughed a little at his words. „But I want to. You’re doing extremely hard work, Sam. You deserve a break every once in a while. I can’t help but think that you don’t really get to relax as much as you should. Besides…”, you paused for a while, trying to find the right words. He looked at you, puzzled. „I really enjoy your company. Somehow I feel really comfortable around you. Might have something to do with the fact that you don’t force me into small talk.”
Now it was his time to laugh.
„Yeah, I’m not that great of a talker. But I couldn’t help but notice that you aren’t one either.”
You sent him another warm smile and raised your mug to make a toast. He followed your action with the same gesture.
„Well, here’s to the non-talkers then,” you said, noticing another change in his expression; it was getting even warmer. „May we never be forced into uncomfortable conversations with people whose company we don’t enjoy.”
„Hear hear!”
Suddenly, you heard a bubbling sound coming from the BB pod. You froze.
„Is… is Lou okay?”
„Yeah,” now Sam was actually laughing. „I guess it’s her way of saying that she agrees with us.”
„Great. So you’re raising another introvert.”
„Well, what can I do. No other role models around here.”
Noticing Lou smiling and doing flips in her pod actually made you smile to yourself too. She was cute. You had to admit that BBs weren’t actually that scary. The thought made you realized that you’ve never actually seen one up close.
„She’s kinda cute,” you said, putting your mug back on the table.
„Oh, that she is,” Sam’s face lit up visibly. „She’s the sweetest kid. You should see how she reacts when we encounter MULEs. She makes this gurgling sound, it reminds me of people reacting to foul smells, with the nose crunching and all.”
„I can imagine,” you looked at Lou and waved your hand at her. She blew another heart-shaped bubble. „I’m glad she has good instincts.”
„She protected me from a bullet once, you know. Using the odradek.”
„Wow,” you were truly surprised that a BB could get that attached to someone. „I’ve never heard of anything like that before.”
„Because it never happened before,” he said, pride obvious in his voice.
„She must really love you.”
„I think she does. She can’t really say it, but if I were to describe love somehow, that must be it. I love her too. I’d do anything to protect her. I don’t… think I’ve ever felt that before.”
„Well, you two were very lucky to find each other then.” You smiled. You adored the way Sam’s face lit up when he was talking about Lou.
„Yeah, I definitely feel like the lucky one. She saved me. In more ways than one. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t really know where I’d be right now.”
„Well then,” you turned to face Lou this time. „Thank you for taking care of Sam, Lou. I’m glad you’re looking out for him so that I can have him over for dinner.”
Lou clapped her hands soundlessly and made a cute bubbling sound. You couldn’t help but smile.
„She likes you,” Sam said again, this time with something sounding like a surprise underlining his words. But it was definitely a pleasant surprise.
„I like her too,” you said, sending another smile in the direction of the pod. „I think we could be friends. What do you think, Lou?”
The baby made another happy sound and clapped her hands again.
„I guess that’s a yes,” Sam said, turning his head to look at you. „Maybe we could be friends too.”
You smiled, feeling the warmth pool your chest again. In that moment you realized there was nothing you wanted more.
„Maybe,” you answered, blush creeping up your neck again. „I’d like that.”
Sam moved closer to the table, raising his mug to another toast. You followed his lead and bumped your mug against his.
„I’d like that too. Very much, in fact.”
You didn’t know how to answer to that and there was a strange tingling sensation in your throat, so you went for your drink instead. But those words did something to you. Something you didn’t quite understand yet. You felt your head spin because of all the emotions you couldn’t really process fast enough.
„So maybe you’d like to spend the night? It’s not like you have anywhere to be tomorrow and we could maybe watch a movie?” The words came out of your mouth before you even had time to think it through. You suddenly felt anxious that maybe it was too much too fast.
Lou nodded her little head before Sam even had the time to answer. You smiled.
„I’m not going to refuse such a generous offer,” he said after a while. „Especially since I haven’t seen a movie in months. And Lou hasn’t seen one, like, ever. But we have to watch something kid-friendly.”
„Sure,” you laughed softly at the thought. „We can ask her to pick something from my Blu-Ray collection.”
You never thought that spending an evening going through Blu-Ray movie cases with Sam and showing every single one to Lou could be so fun. You didn’t have that many family movies, but she ultimately made a very happy sound seeing cats on one of the covers.
„Would you look at that. Seems like we have a cat person over here,” you mocked, smiling warmly at Lou.
„I hate cats,” Sam whispered into your ear, making sure Lou couldn’t hear it. „I’m not getting one for her when she grows up.”
„You say that now, but I’m pretty sure you’re going to run around looking for one as soon as she says that she wants it.”
„I’ll never be that kind of parent.”
„Oh yes you will.”
It felt so good. This time together. Watching the movie, sitting on the cushions, Lou making happy sounds and blowing bubbles in her tank. You couldn’t really name the feeling, but this must have been what home was supposed to feel like. You looked at Sam only to notice that he was also looking at you. When you smiled, he smiled right back, mouthing an inaudible thank you.
You smiled to yourself. Yes. This must be home.