Work Text:
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth logging on twitter to everyone talking their spo 🤮 spoti 🤮 i can’t even say it
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth you’re all blocked and reported, disgusting
Edward Kaspbrak ✓ @EKaspbrak He’s just being dramatic because I stopped paying attention to our movie to get my #SpotifyWrapped
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth @EKaspbrak im filing for a divorce as we speak
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth as a forever loyal apple music listener i have been listening to MY apple replay for three weeks now, youre all just LATE TO THE GAME
bev marsh ✓ @MARSH can Certain People not air their marital problems on the internet for everyone to see
bev marsh ✓ @MARSH pls @EKaspbrak just fuck your man the rest of us are Tired ™
*
“Here’s the thing, I actually don’t want to know how many times I listened to Sunflower at 2am when I was in the middle of writer’s block or how many times I listened tried to convince my husband that Under Pressure is a perfectly acceptable song to have sex to,” Richie tells his audience.
Smaller than usual.
Eddie claimed it was by pure chance that the bar they had decided to go to happened to be having a holiday themed open mic night that night, but from the way he was grinning from the front row Richie was pretty sure that he knew better.
Either way, there’s a santa hat on Richie’s head and an audience that is very pleased by their surprise celebrity guest.
“Also, just to be clear, any song can be a sex jam if you try hard enough,” Richie tells the crowd. Except like fucking See You Again, that songs is fucking sad, and Sail because now all I think of is Keanu Reeves, and fucking Kidz Bop covers.”
Another laugh.
Eddie from the front row shaking his head, because he knows what terrible joke Richie is going to make next.
But he has to.
Richie, using the voice he saves exclusively for characters like the white mom that wants to speak to your manager says, “They can’t hear me, they’re listening to Kidz Bop.”
*
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth call out post for @EKaspbrak who is currently playing Glee Covers in our kitchen because they made his decade wrapped
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth as an intellectual i obviously only have pitch perfect covers
*
“The Harry Potter soundtrack is also on here,” Richie says, scrolling through Eddie’s phone which is currently playing yet another Old Town Road remix, because apparently it had been stuck in Eddie’s head for a week and had been played non-stop when he was at the gym.
Because Eddie went to the gym .
“Like four differnet movies worth.”
“I used to listen to it to sleep,” Eddie says, not looking up from where he’s making these weird little cookies.
Another recipe that he found on pinterest.
He’s stress baking.
It’s a work thing that he didn’t want to talk about.
So Richie was pointedly not asking, and instead critiquing Eddie’s taste in music.
“Used to?”
“I…” Eddie pauses, and when Richie looks up, there’s a small hint of red against Eddie’s cheeks.
It makes his heart flutter just a little, silly how after all this time they can still get embarrassed around each other.
“I used to have trouble sleeping,” Eddie starts again, voice quiet this time, “You know, before we got together… I don’t like sleeping alone.”
Richie frowns at that.
Suddenly thinking of all the times that he has been on tour or that Eddie has been away on a business trips. Too many times to count. He doesn’t like the distance either, as much as he enjoys going on tour, there’s just something so much better about coming home.
“What do you listen to when I’m not here?”
“Whale sounds,” Eddie says, too quickly. “They remind me of your snores.”
“I do not snore just the fuck up.”
Eddie laughs. Still a small tone, too sentimental for a midnight stress baking session - “I also might have found some old records of when you were a radio host on the internet once upon a time, and I might listen to them from time to time, when I’m missing the sound of your voice.”
“Fuck.”
“What?”
“That’s so romantic, I’m starting to tear up, but I refuse to cry while Old Town Road is playing,” Richie says.
“Fuck you,” Eddie says, but the words sound a lot like I love you .
That’s their fucking love langauge, baby.
Richie kisses him, because that’s his husband, and because it’s the perfect distraction to steal the spoon that Eddie have been using to mix the cookie dough batter.
The romantic moment is ruined the second Richie pulls back and puts the spoon filled with delicious cookie dough into his mouth.
“When you catch salmonella and die I’m not going to mourn you,” Eddie tells him.
Richie grins at him. “If an evil clown couldn’t kill me, there’s no way in hell that cookie dough will.
*
Bill Denbrough ✓ @BillDenbrough The problem with being a writer is that my #SpotifyWrapped is all just instrumentals and rain recordings.
Mike @MikeHanlon @BillDenbrough Mine were mostly guided meditations…
Ben Hanscom ✓ @ArchHanscom I don’t know how this wrapped thing works, but the NKOTB reunion tour was The Best Moment of the decade, and that’s a known fact.
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth @ArchHanscome didn’t you also marry bev this decade lol @MARSH
bev marsh ✓ @MARSH @trashmouth why does this make it sound like youre not sure if we got married, as if you werent my fucking maid of honor
*
“Best moment of the decade?”
It’s some interview.
Some press thing.
A bunch of celebs in a roundtable saying some shitty jokes.
He feels bad for the poor Buzzfeed intern that got assigned to the person who makes the beeping noises they used for BB8 as their celebrity guest to promo the new Star Wars movie.
Nobody even cares about BB8 anymore, why couldn’t he have been cast as something cool and unique like baby Yoda.
Richie personally believes that he would have been an excellent baby Yoda.
Not that his agent had paid any attention when Richie had spent the thirty minute drive over to this interview explaining how they should call Disney and demand that Richie get to do the voices for one of the cool characters in the next adaption because gay rights or something.
They need to fill that diversity quota.
I mean, it’s Disney .
“Technically I can’t say my best moment on recorded television.”
“This is for our Youtube channel,” the very tired Buzzfeed intern replies. “Wait, is it a sex thing ? Because it’ll be funny if it’s a sex thing.”
“You know Bill Denbrough?”
“The author?”
“Yeah, he’s my friend.”
“Did you have sex with Bill Denbrough,” the intern suddenly sounds far too interested.
Richie had momentarily forgotten about how prior to announcing his wedding with Eddie, and still during and after, the press seemed obsessed with the idea that Bill had had an affair with him, because childhood friends didn’t sound cool enough to the press.
“Fuck no, I have standards ,” Richie says. “But, I did help him crush the beating heart of an evil clown demon with our bare hands.”
There’s a beat of silence.
A camera still on him.
And a poor interns awkward laugh of “Hey, what the fuck?”
“I’m joking! That’s a joke! I’m funny!”
“If you have to say that you’re funny. It doesn’t seem true.”
“Okay, first off, fuck you unnamed Buzzfeed intern.”
“My name’s Wyatt.”
“Fuck you, Wyatt,” Richie says, “And secondly, I forgot the question.”
The intern looks down at his cue cards. “Best moment of the decade?”
Since apparently killing an evil alien clown demon from space didn’t count.
“I feel like I’m legally obligated to say my own wedding? It’s that or a sex thing, but my husband would kill me if I talked about our sex life on Youtube of all places.”
“Well then-”
“Actually wait, can I change it to converting to Apple Music, because he hates that even more.”
*
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth realizing that none of my friends have any good taste in music is my biggest end of the year regret
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth meanwhile i have been listening to africa by toto on repeat since 1982 because i have standards
Edward Kaspbrak ✓ @EKaspbrak @trashmouth We were six years old in 1982
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth @EKaspbrak KINDERGARTEN ME HAD TASTE
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth @EKaspbrak i mean that’s when i fell in love with you for the first time so….
Edward Kaspbrak ✓ @EKaspbrak You won this time @trashmouth… Well played.
*
“Why do you listen to this song so much?”
Richie shrugs.
He should say something casual.
Some joke.
But it’s early in the morning and they’re both having a lazy day in and maybe Richie falls a little bit more in love with Eddie every time he sits there doing the morning crossword in his flannel pajamas.
Richie’s almost certain that half the reason he made them move to New York was to have an excuse to wear flannel pajamas in the winter.
So Richie sets his coffee down and replies, “It was our first dance.”
Eddie frowns, though whether that is at the crossword or Richie’s answer he isn’t quite sure.
“No it wasn’t, Your Song was-”
“Not at our wedding.”
And this time, the crossword lays abandoned.
Eddie’s eyes on him.
Trying to put together the pieces of what he wasn’t saying.
“Seventh grade? That terrible dance that we all didn’t want to go to but got dragged to because fucking Bill had a crush-”
“We left early, I remember that much.”
“Yeah, right when they started playing Africa.”
“ Oh .”
*
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth yeah sure okay i listened to africa 364 times this year, but have you considered that i am gay and in Love
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth @EKaspbrak youre my africa baby ;)
Edward Kaspbrak ✓ @EKaspbrak My most streamed song of the year is a Taylor Swift song, but can you really blame me? #SpotifyWrapped #Lover @trashmouth