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“You did the right thing, Harry.”
Those words had haunted him in the weeks that came after that conversation. Having Macy back was surprisingly more painful than not having her around. She came back to them, came back to him, but it was not the Macy Vaughn he had come to care about- there was something different about her demeanour. She was listless and grew distant. He understood that having the same face as the person who kidnapped her must have been taxing to her emotions, but there was something else.
“You liked him”
The flash in her eyes when he threw that accusation across the table was enough to answer him. She did care for his darker half. There was a pain in her voice when she spoke of James Westwell, there was sadness in her eyes, and all of that did nothing but drive Harry over the edge with jealousy. ‘Charming. Bold.' that’s how she had described him. It pained Harry to know that his Darklighter was right: Harry would never be enough for this Charmed One. She wanted Jimmy- she wanted the wild animal released from its cage.
'Sometimes danger can be exciting’ she had said.
“Not when you're thinking clearly,” he spat back, perhaps with more venom laced in his words than he intended. She flinched at that. He could not help the satisfaction that bubbled in his stomach- seeing her upset pleased him; he wanted to punish her for her feelings though he knew it was wrong to do so.
In his time as a Whitelighter, Harry had done his best to be impartial, to guide his wards down the path of Light. But when faced with Macy preferring the Dark version of himself, he began to question his own choices. Maybe giving in to his desires, his wants, his .. needs, was exactly what the scientist wanted- And in some twisted way, perhaps he could become more like Jimmy. Macy was attracted to the more 'feral' of the two- Harry could do that. The time he had spent assuming Jimmy's identity in the search to get Macy back, it had allowed him to open the door to the instincts he had previously suppressed.
Enter Abigael.
It would be a lie to say that she was not alluring- the curse of being of Caine bloodline meant that they were as attractive as they were undoubtedly demonic. Ever since their ‘time together’ in his mind, Harry had felt a strange .. connection to her. She was the only other person to know his innermost workings- she knows his faults, she knew his past, she knew his secrets.. and she blatantly flirted with him. She found him attractive- her eyes would sweep over him, lingering longer than they should, her comments always suggestive.
‘Don’t be a stranger. The Susans and I could use a fourth.'
A part of him felt a thrill at the prospect, and shame followed. When Macy had questioned him about his relationship with the demon-witch, he had brushed off her comments. But underneath it all, he knew the truth: An inner war waged within him- his heart belonged to Macy, but she didn’t want him. And here was Abigael Caine- a reflection of the woman he loved, but twisted, darker. And, deny it as he may, he found her intriguing. And Abigael wanted him. While Macy preferred the part that was split from him, here was flesh and blood wrapped in a haze of seduction that called out to him, that tempted him, that lusted after him. That chose him.
So why not give in?
When her lips came crashing down on his own, the initial reaction was 'shock'. Shock to have her that close, shock at her boldness. And shock at the realisation that he liked it. He liked kissing her. And a part of him wanted more.
In pulling the demon spawn close, Harry gave into temptation- allowing every pent up emotion he felt for Macy to pour out into kissing Abigael. When one hybrid denied him, here was another pulling him closer. And Abigael was skilled with her hands, with her lips, with her tongue- devouring him, moaning softly in his ears when his lips travelled down her neck, lingering in all the places he wished he could touch on Macy. His senses were filled with Abigael and it felt as wrong as it felt right.
And deep down he felt vindicated- if Macy could have her way with the Darklighter, he could play with a demon. And with his hands snaking their way around Abigael's waist, he thought he had found some insight into the attraction to Darkness that Macy felt, too. As his breathing grew ragged when he finally came up for air, his mind went back to the Charmed One- is this the thrill she had felt being touched by the Darklighter? The opportunity to play with fire, daring himself to get burned.. something carnal in him had been unlocked, and at that moment he understood what Macy meant. And his anger at her rejection of him was stoked once more.
Even after she left, Abigael’s invitation hung in the air. A promise of welcome, a place in her bed, a chance to let loose, a chance to give in to the desires he kept locked up. A world of sexual possibility awaited behind that invitation- and it felt good to be wanted in that way. To feel like he was not half a man, to be seen as a partner in the one place he had pushed aside after Charity. He had tango-ed with the Devil herself, and he had enjoyed it.
“How dare you?”
Harry had returned home and found an angry Mel waiting for him on the steps.
Her voice was deathly low. It was late into the night, and Harry had assumed the sisters would be asleep after the day’s events. But to find the elder Vera glaring at him was unexpected.
“I’m sorry?”
“You better be..”
He moved towards her, “Mel, I don’t understand…”
“Abigael, Harry. You kissed Abigael.” Her voice shook with anger, as her eyes bore into his. Harry felt himself freeze in the spot, his tongue felt like lead in his mouth. It was as though a million years had passed before he dared to venture a question, “How did you..?”
“Macy saw you.”
“What?”
“She saw you. And she came back in tears.”
His heartbeat was deafening in his ears- the hammering in his chest feeling as though the organ wanted to break through its cage. She had seen him. She had seen them. And she was hurt.
He found that he could not speak, and he could not meet Mel’s eyes. Instead, he remained rooted where he stood as she continued, the tremble in her voice getting stronger with every word.
“Macy went to talk to you, to tell you how she felt. And to see you... with Abigael. Harry, how could you? Abigael tried to kill Macy, or did you forget? She killed her own brother just so she could rise as the Overlord. She killed the witches in Vancouver. She is not our friend, she is nothing but a liar who does whatever she needs to get what she wants.
She doesn’t care about you. Macy does. Maggie and I do. You are our family, and you did that to us, to our sister.”
Her voice broke at the last word, and Harry’s gaze lifted off the ground to see Mel wiping away a tear., By instinct, he stepped forward, but she raised a hand to stop him.
“Wasn’t Charity a lesson enough?”
Hearing that name unglued Harry’s tongue from the roof of his mouth. “Mel, I didn’t know…”
“That Macy went to see you? That’s not the point here, Harry. The point is that you made this choice- and this time you don’t even have the excuse of not knowing, because Abigael Caine has been untrustworthy from the start.”
She got up from where she was seated, the steps elevating her to meet him eye to eye. “I thought I was wrong about you- that you were more than just a ‘typical male’, the way I saw you when we first met. I thought we had come so far, and been through enough together- you’re our Whitelighter, for fuck's sake. For all your talk about duty and propriety, and this to happen... I…”
Mel turned to walk up the stairs, her back towards him. “Sleep with her, don’t sleep with her, you do what you like, Harry.”
“Melanie, please..”
He had reached forward to hold her elbow, desperate for forgiveness. She looked at his grip before meeting his gaze. ‘I’m not angry, Harry. I think I’m more disappointed.”
If her speech prior could be likened to repeated blows to his solar plexus, that statement felt much like the Darklight's knife in his heart. His hand fell away from her arm, as his gaze dropped back to the floor. Shame filled him, expanding in his chest as though to burst out through every pore.
“Excuse me, but my sisters have had their hearts broken today. I think I should be with them.”
Harry crumpled on the lowest step once Mel had gone, his actions in the last hour replaying in his head. He had chosen to adopt the characteristics that were stripped from him 60 years ago, and the consequences were greater than he anticipated. Actions done in a haze of lust and jealousy had caused him to hurt the ones he loved, a betrayal on his part that had fractured his relationship with his charges. And Macy had seen him with Abigael. She had come to speak to him about ‘them’ only to be slapped with the image of his hands, his lips on the one person she did not trust. The satisfaction he had felt in those minutes was quickly replaced with a revulsion for himself, a rising taste of bile in his mouth.
“You will never be enough for her”
Jimmy was right, after all.