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Lan Jingyi doesn’t know how to start. He’s wringing his hands in front of his chest, Lan Sizhui watching him with a patience Lan Jingyi envies him for and Lan Jingyi just can’t find the words.
It’s not even just about telling Lan Sizhui that he’s in love with him. That would be almost easy, compared to the other thing he has to tell him.
“Jingyi, why don’t you just spit it out?” Lan Sizhui asks him and Lan Jingyi sees how his eyes sparkle, so he’s clearly amused at the whole situation.
Lan Jingyi wishes he could say the same.
“It’s not that easy,” he hisses, because it’s not.
It’s really, really not.
Lan Jingyi knows, logically, that Hanguang-Jun or Zewu-Jun have probably already told Lan Sizhui about their other forms, about their true forms, but just like in all things, Jingyi has to be different in this one as well.
He can feel his form shift, can feel his many jaws press against the human skin he wraps himself in, and he wants to do nothing more than run away and hide, and let Lan Sizhui believe that he’s like his father and uncle.
“So, I’m not human,” Lan Jingyi eventually just blurts out, encouraged by Lan Sizhui’s still patient, if amused, glance and Lan Sizhui sucks in a breath, clearly waiting for more.
“Jingyi, not to ruin this for you, but you know I know that, right?” he wants to know and it’s exactly like Lan Jingyi expected.
Of course his father already told him.
“No offence to your ability to appear human, you’re very good at that now, but you had trouble maintaining your form when we were little. You once swallowed a whole chicken, Jingyi, that’s hardly normal,” Lan Sizhui explains and Lan Jingyi almost dares to relax.
If he doesn’t know how Hanguang-Jun and Zewu-Jun look, then his form won’t even strike him as that strange.
“And besides, father already told me. I know what you look like”
And there goes Lan Jingyi’s hope.
“Oh,” he breathes out, his jaws opening all at once in a silent scream, and he prays to all the ancestors that his skin will hold.
It does, if just barely, and Lan Jingyi wraps his arms around himself, tries to keep himself together. It’s not always easy.
“Jingyi?” Lan Sizhui asks in concern, clearly seeing his distress on his face and he takes a cautious step forwards, just as Lan Jingyi takes a step back.
“What’s wrong?” Lan Sizhui wants to know, but Lan Jingyi shakes his head.
“Nothing, nothing at all, why would you say something is wrong?” Lan Jingyi tries to play it off, tries to act like nothing at all is wrong, but Lan Sizhui knows him way too well for that.
“Jingyi, tell me,” he almost demands, but Lan Jingyi barely hears him.
His jaws are opening and closing constantly now, shifting agitatedly and trying to break through, but he can’t let Lan Sizhui see, not if he knows how they are supposed to look like. He closes his eyes, tries to take deep and calming breaths, like Zewu-Jun taught him once, but it’s barely helping.
“Jingyi,” Lan Sizhui suddenly whispers from way too close and Lan Jingyi startles when he puts his hands on his shoulders. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’m not—,” he starts and then has to swallow to keep his jaw from unhinging mid word before he can continue. “I’m not like your father.”
“I should hope not,” Lan Sizhui says with a teasing sparkle in his eyes and while Lan Jingyi appreciates his attempt, he shakes his head.
“No, you don’t understand. I’m not—they are all shapeless and beautiful, covered in eyes. I’m not like that,” Lan Jingyi tries to explain, but he knows it’s difficult for Lan Sizhui to understand without actually seeing it.
Lan Jingyi hasn’t shifted in a long time in the presence of someone other that Zewu-Jun, in fear of mockery and rejection. Zewu-Jun has always accepted him like he was, without judging his form, but Lan Jingyi knows not all of the Lans do that.
Lan Qiren is very adamant that something with Lan Jingyi must be wrong, for him to take the form he has. It’s not his loudness that has brought him the title of the un-lanest Lan that has ever been.
“Jingyi, why don’t you just show me?” Lan Sizhui wants to know but Lan Jingyi shakes his head.
“Sizhui, why won’t you understand? You’ll be disgusted and then you’ll leave.”
“You’re an idiot,” Lan Sizhui tells him with a smile and leans forward to softly brush his lips over Lan Jingyi’s, who immediately flinches back and covers his mouth with his hands when he feels his jaw opening wide. Wider than any human jaw can.
“Jingyi?” Lan Sizhui asks, and for the first time he sounds unsure. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed,” Lan Sizhui mutters but Lan Jingyi furiously shakes his head, still trying to get his jaw to cooperate.
He has always reacted way too strongly to emotions. It’s one of his many problems, as Lan Qiren never tires to tell him.
“I’m not mad about that,” Lan Jingyi tries, and he cringes when his voice still comes out distorted and wrong. He works his jaw a few times, forces it into the human form again and then tries once more. “Really, I’m not. That’s the second thing I wanted to tell you, actually,” he tells Lan Sizhui who’s staring with wide eyes at him.
“You wanted to tell me you love me?” Lan Sizhui asks and Lan Jingyi nods, and this time he’s prepared for when Lan Sizhui enters his space again. “You dummy,” Lan Sizhui breathes out and pulls Lan Jingyi into a hug. “Of course I know you love me. Don’t you know I love you, too?”
Lan Jingyi can do nothing but nod, because he has known, that’s why that part of the confession today was the easy one.
“I know that,” he gives back, needs to reassure Lan Sizhui that that was never even the question, but he also gently pushes Lan Sizhui away from him. “It’s just, this form. You won’t like it,” he tells him, because Lan Jingyi knows he won’t.
Even Zewu-Jun needed some time to get used to it.
“Why don’t you just show me and let me be the judge of that?” Lan Sizhui asks and Lan Jingyi knows he should do it, it’s actually what he set out to do today, but the thought is still terrifying to him.
“I never shifted with a human present,” Lan Jingyi explains and when Lan Sizhui makes a face at that, Lan Jingyi lightly slaps him. “Shut up, I didn’t fully shift, not even as a kid!”
“True,” Lan Sizhui allows and darts forward to press a kiss to his cheek. “Let me see, Jingyi.”
“You can’t—you have to remember that I would never hurt you,” Lan Jingyi tells him and Lan Sizhui frowns at him.
“I know that, Jingyi, why would you even say that. No matter what form you take, it’s still you.”
“I’m hard to look at,” Lan Jingyi whispers. “Please don’t be disgusted.”
“Jingyi, I love you. I won’t be, I promise.”
Lan Jingyi nods at that, though he still hesitates for a few more seconds. This is it. Either, Lan Sizhui is telling the truth, or he’ll be calling Lan Jingyi a monster in just a few moments.
Lan Jingyi isn’t sure he could stand that.
“Okay,” he finally says and then just lets go of his human form all at once.
His human skin drops immediately and he expands, his form finally taking the room it deserves. He knows he’s small, not even half as big as the other Lan’s, and it has nothing to do with his age.
Where the others are sleek black, swirling tentacles and countless eyes, Lan Jingyi is not. He’s small, and compact; he’s edges everywhere and the color he takes can barely even be described as grey.
But most unsettling of all is that he has gaping maws all over his body. His jaws are huge, his teeth white and sharp, and he’s covered in them.
Where others have eyes, he has this.
Lan Jingyi is so concerned with Lan Sizhui’s reaction, that he doesn’t even notice that shifting in the presence of a human feels stranger than normal. Like he’s even more exposed.
He doesn’t have any eyes in this form; isn’t sure he could ever adequately describe how he sees without any, but he does, and that’s the only important part.
So he sees Lan Sizhui’s eyes go big, sees them dart all over his body, and Lan Jingyi tries to make himself smaller, pulls his limbs closer to himself, but he knows it doesn’t help. The jaws don’t go anywhere. He doesn’t even have lips to cover his teeth with.
He knows he makes a sound, something wretched; it’s just another thing none of the others can do, and he sees Lan Sizhui startle.
“I didn’t know you could make a sound,” Lan Sizhui tells him, explains his reaction and Lan Jingyi relaxes, just the tiniest bit.
He makes a questioning sound, most of his jaws opening to let it out, and Lan Sizhui cringes with the sheer volume of it. Lan Jingyi never learned to regulate that.
“It’s just a bit loud,” Lan Sizhui reassures him as well, and then he smiles at Lan Jingyi. “Jingyi, you’re adorable!”
Lan Jingyi bristles, instinct making him bigger, trying for a more menacing look by allowing his jaws to open wide, but Lan Sizhui just laughs.
“Don’t be offended,” he chastises him. “It’s the truth.”
Lan Jingyi starts to pull himself together again, compresses his form into the human skin again, but Lan Sizhui reaches out with a gasp.
“No! Don’t, Jingyi, let me look some more. Can I touch you?” he wants to know and Lan Jingyi hovers in his half form, unsure where to go from there.
But Lan Sizhui seems honest in his request and so Lan Jingyi takes his normal form with a sigh again. It’s easier expanding than compressing himself, after all.
Lan Sizhui carefully steps closer, clearly wary of startling Lan Jingyi again, and when his hand just hovers over one of Lan Jingyi’s few tentacles, Lan Jingyi takes the initiative.
He pressed forward, allows Lan Sizhui’s hand to make contact, and he gasps at the feeling of a hand on him.
It’s entirely different than having the smooth tentacles of the others come into contact with his form, and no one in human form has ever touched him. They are afraid of getting hurt by his jaws, Lan Jingyi knows it. He can’t even be mad about that.
But Lan Sizhui doesn’t seem to have the same concerns, because he brushes his fingers over some of his teeth, careful not to get nicked by them, and he doesn’t seem disgusted in the slightest.
“Can you eat with all of them?” Lan Sizhui wants to know and Lan Jingyi nods with the tentacle he thinks of as his head.
“No wonder you’re always hungry,” Lan Sizhui mutters under his breath and Lan Jingyi blushes, even in this form.
When Lan Sizhui notices it, he lets out a delighted laugh.
“You are adorable,” Lan Sizhui reiterates again, and Lan Jingyi huffs but he bumps his tentacle into Lan Sizhui’s hand again.
He enjoys being touched like this.
Lan Sizhui finds one of the rare spots without a jaw and starts to scratch Lan Jingyi, like he would a dog. Lan Jingyi would take offence to that, if he wasn’t busy melting into the floor.
“I didn’t know you could liquify,” Lan Sizhui teasingly tells him and Lan Jingyi swiftly takes his human form again, just so he can glare at Lan Sizhui.
“It’s not funny,” he mutters. “I’m not used to being touched in that form.”
“Well, that’s something we have to change then,” Lan Sizhui decisively says and grabs Lan Jingyi by the lapels.
He pulls him up almost effortlessly and drags him right into a kiss.
“I love you,” Lan Sizhui breathes against his lips, “and that means I love you in both forms.”
Lan Jingyi can feel some tears sting at his eyes, so he flings his arms around Lan Sizhui and buries his face in his neck.
“I love you, too,” he mumbles, words almost swallowed by Lan Sizhui’s robes, but Lan Jingyi knows that Lan Sizhui heard him when his arms tighten around Lan Jingyi’s middle.
“No more hiding, okay?” Lan Sizhui asks him and Lan Jingyi can do nothing but agree to that.
Not that there is anything he has left to hide. Lan Sizhui knows all of him, now.