Chapter Text
There’s always been so much on Aizawa Shota’s mind. There’s always been so much that goes unsaid. He can’t help it, sometimes he’d rather keep it all in than just tell people what he’s really thinking.
For someone so blunt, there’s so much he keeps to himself.
He mostly keeps his thoughts on Hizashi to himself.
Yamada Hizashi. Also known as Present Mic, a hero with a strong voice quirk, who is constantly loud, and obnoxious, and he always draws too much attention to himself.
Yamada Hizashi. Who is always right by Shota’s side, always there, despite how much Shota hates excessive noise or unwanted attention.
They’ve been playing this game since high school. Hizashi has always been so overly affectionate, so intent on breaking Shota out of his shell. In return, Shota pretends he hates it. But that’s just it, he’s pretending.
Shota doesn’t think he does a good job at it. He must be so obvious, right? Yet it’s been so many years since high school, and Hizashi still hasn’t noticed. Or perhaps he’s sparing Shota’s feelings by not acknowledging them.
Sometimes he catches Hizashi’s eyes and he almost thinks for a second that maybe he feels the same way. But then he thinks about himself.
Hizashi has the keys to all of his locks. Why shouldn’t he? Shota would give him everything if he could, there’s no need to keep him out. Not like Hizashi would let him, he’s quite stubborn about the time they spend together.
But that also means he’s seen Shota at his worst. He’s seen Shota at *all* of his worst moments. Why would Hizashi want anything to do with that?
After the first villain attack, when Recovery Girl had insisted on Aizawa being covered in bandages, it was Hizashi who insisted on taking care of him. Hizashi who insisted on cleaning his wounds. Hizashi who claimed he didn't care how long it’s been since Shota’s bathed, or even properly slept.
He can’t even count the amount of times Hizashi helped him around corners he didn’t see or other such things because of how much those damn bandages obstructed his vision.
It’s not even the first time Hizashi has seen him like that. There were many nights after they graduated when Shota would be beaten up from a particularly nasty fight with a villain and Hizashi insisted on helping him.
The world doesn’t know the Hizashi he knows. The world doesn’t see the Hizashi he sees.
A part of him wishes everyone knew the real Yamada Hizashi. The man who’s gently cleaned all his wounds. The same one who whines like a baby every time Shota’s cleaned his. The man who’s helped him get to sleep every night he’s having trouble finding his way. He remembers in school, the nights they would spend talking and talking over text. He wishes when he was younger he didn't complain so much about it. He wishes Hizashi knew he wasn’t serious when he complained all those late nights about keeping him up.
He thinks about how every time he meets Hizashi’s eyes when his hair is down and he’s lounging against Shota’s couch he thinks his heart will stop and never start back up again. Shota thinks about how his laugh echoes in his house, a house that’s always so quiet when Hizashi isn’t there.
It never feels like home when Hizashi isn’t there. He wishes Hizashi was always there. His heart aches when he comes home to an empty house and there’s no sound except for the various cats Hizashi has conveniently left with Shota over the years.
Shota loves that about Hizashi. Hizashi will just find out about all of Shota’s interests and then insist on making sure he’s surrounded by them constantly.
Shota’s rooms were so empty when he bought this place but then Hizashi came in like a hurricane full of color and life and Shota can’t go anywhere without seeing him anymore. Not that he’d want to find somewhere he doesn’t see Hizashi.
He thinks about the way Hizashi’s nose wrinkles when Shota says something jokingly mean to one of his cats. One of *their* cats. They share almost everything, Shota just wishes they shared their lives.
He feels so stupid for being a fully grown man and yet he’s still stuck on his high school crush like he’s a teenager still forced to wear an uncomfortable uniform everyday.
But there really was no choice. Shota can’t imagine a world where he isn’t helplessly in love with Yamada Hizashi. It’s almost pitiful how much he cares for him.
He hears his front door smack open, followed by his favorite voice apologizing profusely to the inanimate door. He wants to pretend his heart doesn’t soar. He wants to pretend he doesn’t feel like running to see him.
He remains where he is, laying on his bedroom floor. It wouldn’t be the first time Hizashi has found him like this. It probably won’t be the last.
“Hey Shota! I know you’re in here! I’ll find you eventually.” His walls shake a little with Hizashi’s quirk. He figures he’s probably in his hero costume. He’s just so. Damn. Loud. Shota wants to pretend he hates it.
“You know I saw Ms. Joke earlier, she was asking about you.” Aizawa snorts at that, how ridiculous. She’s always saying things like how he should marry her, entirely as a joke. But still, the only person Shota has ever considered marrying is currently being incredibly loud and especially obnoxious in his entryway.
He hears the telltale sound of the silly meowing cat slippers Hizashi insisted they get a matching pair of and before long he watches as the man in question enters his bedroom, ruffling through Aizawa’s freshly folded laundry for his own clothes.
He looks at Hizashi surrounded by all of the things he’s acquired for Shota over the years, and he thinks about how it’s as much Yamada’s home as it is his own. He just wishes that feeling was mutual.
“Oh no, are you dead?” Hizashi jokes, still wearing his loud speakers and grinning down at Shota as he pilfers through the laundry.
“Migraine.” Is all Shota bothers saying, and Hizashi understands. He disconnects his speakers.
“Alright. Do you mind if I use your shower? I’m itching to get all of this hairspray out of my hair.” Shota already figured that’s what Hizashi was doing. He glares up at him before even answering the question.
“When have I ever cared. Or would you rather I say no?”
“Geez Shota, I just thought I’d ask. Why’re you in such a rough mood anyways?” Hizashi makes the same face he always makes, and Shota stares up at him wondering how he still looks beautiful from such a terrible angle.
“Aren’t I always?” Shota teases, and he gets the lightest kick in response. He doesn’t mind. Hizashi could push him down a flight of stairs and he wouldn’t mind. Not that he’d tell Hizashi that.
He watches as Hizashi escapes to the bathroom, listens to the water run and Hizashi hum through some song Shota has never heard. It’s probably the last thing Hizashi played before he ended his radio show tonight.
It soothes him, the muffled sounds of Hizashi’s humming and singing echoing through the nearby bathroom. Shota could almost fall asleep. So he sits up.
Before long Hizashi is wandering into Shota’s room again, wearing a hilariously fluffy sweater and towel drying his hair. For a moment, the way the light hits the fuzz of the sweater and the soft gold of Hizashi’s hair makes Shota almost think he’s an angel.
Shota thinks that’s an utterly ridiculous thought. Hizashi looks down at him with curiosity.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” He plops down next to Shota, which almost makes him laugh. How strange they are to be sitting on the floor when there’s perfectly good chairs to sit in.
“Hm?” Shota tries his best to not look like someone who’s just contemplated whether or not his best friend is the loveliest being he’s ever laid eyes on.
“Shota…!” The familiar whine laces through Hizashi’s voice, and Shota’s heart aches. In a moment of delirium, he reaches over and brushes a strand of long golden hair behind Hizashi’s ear.
Hizashi’s eyes grow wide, cheeks dusting a red color that’s grown to be Shota’s favorite. He wonders if Hizashi is so easily flustered by anyone else. He hopes not.
“It was bothering me..” Shota breaks eye contact, trying to regain his composure. Hizashi lets out a sound that probably counts as acknowledgement.
“Shota…” Hizashi clears his throat. “How’s your head?”
Sometimes Hizashi speaks so softly when they’re alone that Shota wonders how he could ever be so loud anywhere else.
“It’s a little better… how are you?” Shota’s eyes search Hizashi’s, knowing he’ll keep whatever’s bothering him to himself.
For someone so talkative, there’s a lot Yamada Hizashi keeps to himself. Shota likes to think he’s gotten good at deciphering every false “I’m fine” and every look of hurt that briefly crosses Hizashi’s golden eyes. But knowing it’s there doesn’t mean he knows what causes it.
Hizashi meets his eyes, knowing better than to try and fake like he’s okay if he isn’t. Hizashi probably just blames how observant Shota is, but really it’s just that Shota can’t help but give him all of his attention. Hizashi sighs and Shota feels this awful pain in his chest.
“Yeah, I wasn’t doing so good earlier but… I think I feel better now.” Shota searches Hizashi’s eyes. He believes him.
“Why?” Hizashi coughs.
“Why what? Why was I feeling bad or-“
“Both, either.” Shota shrugs. “Whatever you want to tell me.”
Hizashi stares for a long moment. His brows knit, and he looks away. Shota wants more than anything to keep whatever’s worrying him as far away as possible.
“I… There was- I have this…” Hizashi just looks more frustrated.
“It’s okay, take your time…”
Hizashi lets out a long sigh, running a hand through his hair. The strands hung together like they’re still damp.
“There’s… someone who came to me for advice recently. This person is… well this person really cares about someone, probably more than the person cares back.”
Shota takes in a sharp breath. This… sounds more familiar than he’d like to admit. Especially as he sits here on his bedroom floor wanting nothing more to get closer to Hizashi, yet there remains at least a foot of distance between them.
“Okay, Shota, I can’t…” Hizashi’s eyes start wandering and Shota feels like he’s going to cry with him.
“I… I was going to just lie and say some really nice little story but you always know when I’m lying and I can’t lie to you about this so…”
“So…?” Shota leans into Hizashi’s line of sight, trying to keep eye contact.
“There’s not some little listener out there who reached out I… made that part up. I thought it would be easier to talk about if…” Shota sighs.
“If you pretended it wasn’t you?” He offers. Hizashi looks away.
“Yeah.” Shota nods.
“You can keep pretending if it’s easier, but you should know by now I’m not going to judge you.”
“Yeah… Yeah I know, Shota.”
Hizashi takes a minute, trying to gather his thoughts probably.
“There’s someone… Someone I don’t spend nearly as much time with as I wish I could. Someone… Honestly I think I’m probably in love with this person. It’s… been enough time, really. But… I feel like maybe I’m just like some annoying leech to them, you know?”
Shota feels anger rise in him. Whoever this is… is probably the luckiest bastard out there. If this person thinks that of Hizashi? They don’t deserve him.
“I mean, they’re always so exhausted, and they only seem that much more tired after having to deal with me… it’s like I’m taking away all their energy… I try to do everything I can to help them but what if I’m just making them worse?”
Hizashi can't help it, his eyes water more and before long he’s crying. He probably doesn’t even realize it. Whoever this is… How dare they make Hizashi cry like this. But then Shota takes a second to think. Was Hizashi not able to spend time with them because he’s spending all of his time stuck with Shota?
Shota feels guilty. Maybe Hizashi is struggling because of him?
“I try so hard to take care of them… I can’t help it-“
“It’s who you are. You… you care so much. If they can’t see that-“
“But Shota, they do! Just… probably not in the way I want them to. Crazy right? This is the type of problem you’d think our students would be having…”
“I was thinking the same thing earlier…” Shota spoke before thinking, and he regrets it immediately. Hizashi looks over at him, watery eyes full of confusion.
“What do you mean, Sho?”
“Ah- well… I’m in the same situation, I guess. It’s… it sucks.” Hizashi’s eyes go wide, before a look of hurt crosses them that Shota can’t place. Maybe it’s because he didn’t tell Hizashi sooner… but how do you tell the person you love that you’re in love with them without them finding out you’re in love with them? It’s impossible.
“Oh… yeah… Yeah it sucks.” Hizashi looks away, eyes watering again. Shota leans closer, which catches Hizashi’s attention.
“Look… you’re…”
“I know, I should stop wetting the carpet right? I-“
“Hizashi.” Shota lets out a sigh. This is hard, maybe harder than anything Shota’s ever done. “If they don’t know your worth… they don’t deserve you.”
“...Thanks, Sho.” Hizashi still looks hurt. Shota wishes he had better words. He wishes he knew exactly what Hizashi needs to hear.
“Do you want to watch something to get your mind off of it?” Hizashi nods, and Shota helps him up. The feeling of Hizashi’s warmth burns on Shota’s skin long after he’s left to get comfortable in the living room. Shota has to take a second to breathe before he can join him again.
Before long Hizashi falls asleep on his sofa, looking much like a dream to Shota.