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xiao zhan
main vocal of xnine
chongqing king of seduction
the man who unifies the beauty standard of the chinese entertainment industry
the hottest star of 2019
jianguo’s dad
yes, that’s my dad.
a lot of people think being a celebrity’s cat is amazing.
I know, because dad always mentions me in interviews and posts pictures of me on his sns. and then all his fans are like “so jealous of jianguo!!” or “why can’t I be reborn as a cat???” or “I wish he can call me baby girl too TT”
but honestly?? being his cat sucks
first of all! why does he keep posting pictures of me?
he knows his fans want to see his face, right? not me, right? but no, whenever he has to post something but wants to slack off, he just uses me.
and it’s not like he even posts nice things. he posts videos of me with a lampshade over my head. he turns me into memes. he calls me his daughter in interviews, but then he lets his millions of fans see my most embarrassing side.
and I’m not the only cat in his sns feed either. he always goes and pets every cat or dog he sees and takes pictures of them too.
I heard he arrived in shanghai at midnight and went to the hospital an hour later to get a shot because he got scratched by a cat. ha! serves him right.
I never scratch.
but that’s not the worst part.
the worst part of being xiao zhan’s cat is wang yibo.
it took me a while to learn his name at first, because dad has so many stupid nicknames for him.
lao wang
wang laoshi
bo di
puppy
little boy
ugh
but I matched the names to his face because he’s the only one who can get dad all red and riled up. he’s the only one that gets happy when dad punches him. he’s the only one that dad has to coax and spoil all the time.
and he’s always here!
you’d think that celebrities are busy. don’t get me wrong. they are definitely busy and I rarely ever get to see dad.
but on the days that he is free, he’s always home. and always with this yibo. if yibo isn’t here in person, then dad is calling him or texting him or video-calling him or watching his show on tv.
dad used to spend his free time serving me. now, he traps me in his arms and makes me witness everything.
“yibo, what are you doing now?”
“yibo, you went snowboarding without me?”
“yibo, I went to a cool play in shanghai. let’s go together next time.”
“yibo, it’s snowing in Beijing!”
“yibo, you wrote happy new year, you’re so stupid hahahahahahahahaha!”
“yibo, I can’t eat spicy food anymore. it’s all your fault.”
“yibo, take better care of yourself!”
“yibo, I’m really trying to arrange things for new years. it’ll work out, trust me.”
“yibo, I want to watch the fireworks and stars at haikou with you.”
“yibo, I miss you—”
yibo this, yibo that
sometimes, dad randomly calls me ‘yibo’ too.
who’s jianguo?
obviously not the one always on his mind anymore, hmph.
ok, but yibo isn’t really a bad human, I guess.
he always holds me the wrong way because he’s dumb, but he tries. he holds me carefully and rubs the right places. he always makes dad watch videos of him vrooming around on things with wheels and brags about how cool he is, but he’s soft with me. (he better be, or else…)
it’s like having a second servant too. yibo brought a pink apron one day. he said it was from his show and he wanted dad to wear it. but dad refused. so now, yibo wears the pink apron and sweeps up the hair I shed and the potato chip crumbles from dad. it’s great.
and somehow, he always makes dad feel better when even I can’t.
like that time dad came home super late from acting lessons and had to write a report but had work early the next morning and he just started crying while writing. I tried to comfort him, but he told me to go play by myself. dumb. but then he called yibo for a long time and ended up laughing while choking on his snot.
oh, humans are such dumb but endearing creatures.
but!!!
can they stop hugging and kissing and mating all the time, everywhere?
like, fine, hug each other. but don’t hug when I’m in the middle?
I’ll never forget the time yibo went to kiss dad and dad forgot he was holding me. I honestly almost suffocated. just imagine getting sandwiched by two humans who want to get as close as possible to each other.
a jianguo sandwich.
they didn’t even notice when I escaped. they just closed the gap and continued eating each other’s faces.
got it, I’m not important.
this is their own little world.
do they think that it’s ok to do things in front of me just because I’m a cat? I know about these things too!
and I don’t want them to mate on the sofa, kitchen counter, against the window, and everywhere! that’s where I play and sunbathe, this is my house!!
why can’t they go mate in the bedroom?? I’d still have to listen to dad say yibo’s name all night, but at least they won’t get sticky white stuff all over my territory.
speaking of my territory, I hear them talking about wanting a dog too.
I hate dogs, but if dad is going to keep yibo around, then maybe a dog would be nice too.
at least then, I won’t have to suffer alone.
I need more people to die from witnessing xiao zhan and wang yibo’s love.
(oh, I know there are hundreds of thousands of people who’d love to be me and see xiao zhan and wang yibo fuck all night. sucks that you can only imagine it in your mind.)