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It was one thing to know he was, at his core, a terrible person. It was quite another to actually have proof of it. Sirius had always been selfish and uncaring. He liked what he liked, and he held onto it with obsessive focus; everything else could burn and he would gladly strike the match.
He knew that's what he was like.
But he had hoped that James would never find that.
He'd hoped that Remus and Peter would never get hurt because of it. It shouldn't have been a sodding surprise, what he did, yet it was.
He'd apologised to Remus the morning after, when he was pale and shaky in his Hospital Wing bed. He'd said something that felt entirely insincere even though he'd meant it. "I'm sorry." Two little words that might as well have been spoken to a leaf for all the good it did.
It didn't matter that Remus had muttered, "It's okay," because that's what Remus had to say. Remus knew that he was the nicest of them, and if he didn't say that everything was okay between them, what was going to happen? They all shared a dorm, they'd been best mates since first year, and they'd made themselves even closer from all the pranks and study sessions and full moon runs. And Sirius had buggered it all up because he couldn't control himself from pissing someone off.
"Hey Sirius, we're going down to the Great Lake, you wanna come?" Peter asked.
"'m fine." He needed to get the essay for McGonagall done. Normally he and James did their essays together since it helped him from being boring, and he had someone to check word spelling with without having to move.
"Oh," he said, obviously surprised. Apparently Peter had thought of the invitation as a mere formality, and not the offer that Sirius had taken it as. Whatever, he still wasn't going. "Er, okay. See you when we get back, then."
"Mmhmm."
He either couldn't get any sleep these days, or sleeping was all he wanted to do. Today was a no-sleeping sort of night. His eyes were open, and there was only the faint hint of shapes in the darkness of the dormitory. He'd checked the time a while ago, and he'd been laying there for two hours. His arm was starting to get sore though, so he rolled onto his back and flicked his wand again. Another hour and a half.
Sirius blew out a breath and knew that he wouldn't get to sleep just by laying in bed for another three hours. He rolled over again to the edge of the bed and swung his legs out. The cold of the stone floor ached something sharp, but he shoved himself up to stand and started for the door to the stairs even while his legs tried to give out from under him.
"Sirius?" James called as he entered the dormitory. Sirius couldn't see him from his position under the bed, and even if he could, he wouldn't have responded. "You in here mate?" He heard James's footsteps go towards the loo, then back out. "I could've sworn," James muttered, and then there was the shuffling of parchment. Sirius had the sinking feeling that he was looking at the Marauders' Map, and that feeling was confirmed a moment later. "Sirius, I know you're in here, c'mon, I wanted to talk to you about a new prank."
A new prank? Seriously? How could James even think about wanting to involve Sirius in something like that again? If he wasn't hiding under the bed right now, he'd get up and leave. Why was James looking for him in the first place? They'd tried the best mate thing and... well look how that turned out. It had been a bloody disaster at the end, and it would surely only get worse if they tried to keep it going. Maybe Remus was unwilling to split the group, but Sirius knew it needed to happen. With Remus, Peter, and James all acting like they wanted to remain in the friendship like nothing had changed, he was the only one capable of putting it in motion. Which was stupid, because he wasn't the responsible one here, someone else definitely should've done this for him.
James's feet were right in front of his snout, and Sirius could practically hear the confusion in the air. A moment later though, and James was kneeling down and peering under the bed. His expression softened when he saw Padfoot. "Hullo love."
It hurt. Merlin, why did James have to call him that? It was bad enough that he called him 'love' when they were friends and not anything more, but to do it when Sirius was trying to avoid him? He whined, shuffling back. He didn't go far, just a centimeter or two, and it didn't even help because James was reaching out a hand and petting his head.
"Something scare you?"
That was a fair guess since that's usually why Sirius transformed when he was all by himself, but no, this time he'd been feeling kinda shitty so he'd crawled under and hoped to waste away the day. He hadn't done any of his homework. Flitwick would be disappointed and ask him if maybe he'd just needed another day or two? He didn't want to go to classes anymore. He didn't want to keep crawling into bed only to have to crawl out so soon afterwards; it wasn't worth it, he might as well stay awake the whole night-- which he had done before.
James was waiting for a response, so Sirius's lip curled back and he growled. James didn't remove his hand, but he looked more sad than before. "Hey," he said softly, a gentle reproach like Sirius needed to be talked to quietly or he'd have a breakdown. That wasn't true; Sirius was fine, if a little tired. "I could really use your help on this one, you wanna come out?"
No, of course he fucking didn't. He growled louder before turning his head away.
"Sirius," he said, sounding heartbroken, "c'mon." He touched at one of Padfoot's shoulders, and Sirius snapped his teeth at him. Not close enough to be of any real danger, but a big sign that he wanted to be left alone. Thankfully, James took it this time. He sighed, retracting his hand. "Fine. If you change your mind, I'll be in the library. I'll have the mirror on me if you need anything, okay?"
Sirius didn't react, and after another moment James left. Why the hell was he trying so hard? Sirius knew his own value, and it... well, to put it bluntly, it wasn't much. His parents had disowned him, and the only reason he hadn't starved to death before the school year started was because James and his family had taken him in. He should probably start looking for new places to stay-- maybe with Uncle Alphard, who'd always had a soft spot for him-- but maybe by the time summer hit it wouldn't matter.
Sirius woke up, pulled the covers over his head, and fell back asleep.
"Sirius, are you still asleep?" Peter asked. "Class is in an hour, you need to get up to eat."
He didn't bother to respond to that, knowing that Peter would leave him alone if he got ignored.
"Sirius?" he tried one more time, then walked away to keep getting ready. "Suit yourself, mate." They'd made an agreement back in first year that if someone didn't get up on time, you were obligated to try once, and then it was their own damn fault.
He managed to relax a little after that, secure in the belief that no one was going to try again. Of course, that was because he'd forgotten how bloody annoying James could be. Remus and Peter left, and Sirius had thought that yes, now he'd be able to get back to sleep again. He hadn't realised that James stayed behind until he was shaking Sirius's shoulder gently. "C'mon Sirius. I know you want to keep sleeping, but we've got class soon and you're grumpy when you don't eat breakfast."
Sirius rather stubbornly stayed where he was.
James shook him harder. "Sirius, I'm not joking. Get up."
"Go 'way."
"No. Get up, we need to get going." He tugged the blanket down so it was no longer covering Sirius's head.
Sirius was about a hair's breadth from killing someone just so he could get back to sleep. The room was garishly bright, and now he was getting cold. All he fucking wanted was to not be tired and to be warm, and James was ruining that for him. Sirius snatched at the duvet to get it back, and James let him take it with a bewildered expression on his face.
"Are you feeling alright? Are you sick?" he asked, pressing a hand to Sirius's forehead.
"I'm fine," he snapped, slapping James's hand.
There was a pause, and then James said, "Okay. I'll see you in Potions then-" their first class of the day, that Sirius had zero intention of attending "-and I'll grab something for you so you're not starving till lunch."
How nice, Sirius thought snidely.
Sirius kinda wanted to lay in the sun by the lake the rest of the day, kinda wanted to crawl back into the dormitory where it was nice and dark so he could get some sleep. He'd slept for a while last night, but when he got up that morning it hadn't felt restful. He almost didn't see what the bloody point was of sleeping if he wasn't going to feel better, but at least he didn't have to think when he was asleep.
Sometimes he wanted to get all his homework done so he'd have something to do, other times he didn't see what the sodding point was since it's not like any of this mattered. Good job Sirius, get an O in Charms, that'll totally help you out in life even though your entire family figured out you were useless by the time you were eleven. None of it mattered yeah, but it was nice to have something to pass the time.
There was an armchair next to the fireplace in the Common Room that was nice and comfortable. It felt like it molded to his body when he sat down, there was a little table that he could prop his feet on if he wanted, and the chair was low enough to the ground that it was easy to reach into his bag for a book or more parchment if he needed it.
"Hey Si," James said, and Sirius tried not to sigh. He'd been having a good time for once, and now James wanted him to go out and socialize as if anyone in the group actually wanted to be around him. James's persistence probably meant that-- for some unknowable reason-- he missed Sirius, but it was doubtful that Remus and Peter felt the same after what he'd done. "We're going to the kitchens for a bit, you want to come?"
"No thanks," Sirius said, trying desperately to hold onto the contentment he'd had for a moment there.
He kept his eyes trained on the textbook in front of him, so he didn't see anything happen, but a moment later he heard Peter mutter, "C'mon James, he's not interested, just let it go."
"Go on, I'll catch up."
"James-" Remus cut off, then sighed. "Fine." Then, in an undertone, "He doesn't want to hang out with us, you're wasting your time."
For half a second, Sirius thought about chiming in to say that Remus was right and maybe they should just buggering leave him alone, but that wouldn't really help the distance he'd managed to get.
James picked up Sirius's feet so he could sit on the table, then set Sirius's feet back down on his lap. "Despite what you might think," he said in a low tone so that nobody else could hear him, "I do miss you. Moony and Wormtail do too. We get why you've missed the past couple moons, and that's probably for the best so Moony can get back to normal, but you're coming to the one on Thursday, right?"
"Why the hell would I?" Sirius asked blandly.
"We need you there."
Sirius snorted.
"It's not the same without you, love."
"Will you stop with that already?" Sirius said, knocking his head back against the headrest. "I fucked up and I know it. You don't have to keep pushing it."
"Do you really think any of us are still mad about that?" James asked, pressing his thumb into the arch of Sirius's foot. He started massaging one of his feet, and for a moment Sirius forgot himself in how good it felt.
"Merlin," he groaned. It had been a while since he'd touched anyone more than accidentally bumping into them, and he'd forgotten how much it comforted him. He was weak. He should've pushed James away, or at the very least pulled his feet back and ignored him.
"Peter was never mad, just scared. Remus was mad for all of five minutes, and me..." James made a face. "Well, I needed about two days, the first to be mad, and the second to remember how it all went down, y'know? You're family Si, come back."
"See, it sounds nice when you say it like that," Sirius said conversationally, eyes still closed, "but in the real world my family hates me."
"I hate it when you say that," James said quietly.
"Say what, the truth?"
"They're not your family anymore. Family is me and Mum and Dad, and Remus and Peter."
"Yeah, well... good for you."
James sighed, knowing that Sirius was saying that to make him shut it, not because he agreed with him or anything.
After that, James flat out didn't let him be alone. He was stuck to Sirius's side, always dragging him around wherever he went. At first, Sirius was annoyed, trying to insult James enough that he'd let him go his own way, but James saw right through it. It didn't matter that normally he did everything Sirius said if he thought it would make him happy, this time he outright refused.
Sirius wanted to hate him for it, but all that happened was he started feeling... better. He didn't dread every single morning and every single class and every single time he had to force himself to eat. He didn't really feel good, but he stopped feeling horrible all the time.
It made for a nice change.
James had taken to aggressively cuddling Sirius until he finally got comfortable enough to get to sleep, and that easily turned into them falling asleep together. Sirius got used to the extra weight and the way his mattress tilted to adjust for the extra weight.
The arrangement made it so easy to roll over and kiss him one night when Peter and Remus were already in bed with the curtains drawn.
"Si..."
Sirius didn't want to hear him say that it was a bad idea, so he kissed him again, putting his hand on the back of James's head to hold him close. For a beautiful moment, James kissed him back. Then he pulled back, the air between them shared in hot puffs. "You okay?" he asked quietly.
Stung, Sirius retreated into his own space a little. "'m fine."
"Hey," James whispered, reaching out and pulling him back in. "Do it again in the morning, and I'll believe it's not because you're lonely and I'm convenient."
They woke up, and James's heart sank when Sirius rolled off the opposite side of the bed, rubbing at his eyes. Sirius went to the loo, brushed his teeth, and got dressed, all with his eyes barely open and yawning periodically. He collapsed back on the bed and hugged James's pillow as he got ready.
"C'mon, Si, we gotta go get breakfast." James expected that this was going to be a morning where he had to manhandle Sirius the first half hour, but instead Sirius turned over and stumbled to his feet.
"I hate this," he mumbled, which was a welcome change from when he used to say 'I hate you ' to James.
"I know, I'm sorry."
"Umph." Sirius swooped in and gave him a kiss, then shuffled to the door.
James blinked, then grinned, following after him. This didn't fix everything, and Sirius still wasn't back to his old self, but it was heartening to know that things were getting at least a little bit better.