Chapter Text
Finn imagined a lot of ways this day could evolve. But running in a dessert on his own while a freaking tie fighter is trying to kill him was definitely not what he had in mind when he woke up this morning.
And what a lovely morning it was. He’s been waking up in Poe’s warm hug for almost 5 years now but still, he couldn’t get used to it. Every morning starts like this. Starts with warm peaceful thoughts and a beautiful smile and an extremely hot “Good morning handsome” in Poe’s still sleepy voice.
Well one more thing he couldn’t get used to was Lai’ra’s enthusiastic face popping from the corner of the bed and shouting “Come on dad! Wake up!” and then usually jumping on top of him laughing with her tiny hands trying to tickle him.
“Easy now” giggled Finn. “ You’re other dad is awake too”
“No i’m not, he’s lying” Poe said smiling, with his eyes still closed.
Lai’ra sat on her knees, between them. “Dad will we fly today?”
To that Poe opened his eyes. He had a soft expression and a loving but also sad smile on his lips. You could almost not tell how tired he was.
“ We can’t today cariño...maybe another day, okay?”
Finn’s heart almost broke to pieces. He knew how much Poe wanted to teach their little girl everything his mother taught him. But he couldn’t because they were hiding and their only ship was almost out fuel.
Finn hated this. He hated hiding and running. He hated the fact that he still couldn’t give his little girl the normal and peaceful life he always wanted. He hated the black circles under Poe’s eyes and he hated how every day he just turned more and more lifeless.
Poe never showed this to anyone. He was always positive and trying to keep going but Finn knew the difference. Finn could read him behind his eyes.
Late at night, when Poe would finally allow himself to sleep, Finn could finally set himself free and cry. Cry silently, about everything. Cry about the fact that he felt so helplessly weak and unable to protect and save the people he loved more than anything in the galaxy. Cry about the fact that his dear Poe, the love of his life, was slowly dying. The light he had in his heart, the light that made Finn fall helplessly in love with him, was fading away and there was nothing he could do about it.
Lai’ra nodded like she understood. She was so young. God she was so small, so thin, but she had to grow up early, just like he did. The day she was born Finn promised to himself that he’d give her a good life and now, 4 years later, he’s already failing.
There was knock at the door and then Rey appeared alongside with bb-8.
“Good morning. BB-8 is here to get our special lady to eat her breakfast.” Rey smiled at Lai’ra like she always did.
“Also Poe and Finn, i need you to General Organa’s office right now.” she said in a more serious voice.
“But hold on” answered Poe, “i can’t get up yet. I haven’t received my very special morning kiss from my very special pilot and i’m soooo out of energy”
He moved his hand dramatically to his forehead in such a Poe Dameron way.
Finn smiled as Lai’ra jumped and wrapped her little hands around Poe’s neck and kept pressing kisses to his cheek. Poe’s soft laugh made Finn feel warm inside.
“Thank you baby. Now go eat and take care of BB-8 for me,okay?”
Lai’ra nodded, her curly hair getting in her face. She run to the door and stopped to give “auntie Rey” a hug before disappearing completely.
“Okay i’ll wait for you in Leia’s office, don’t be late”
“Are we ever late?”
“Don’t challenge me Dameron” and with that, Rey left.
Poe sat up and took a deep breath. He covered his eyes, with his palms. Finn knew how to deal with this. He learned how. He had to.
He softly placed his hand in Poe’s back and slowly draw circles on it.
“You okay?”
He left a sigh. “Always”. He opened his eyes to look at him.
“You?”
“Always.”
And there it was- the smile that only Finn saw. The smile that makes Poe who he is.
The smile that was getting lost as time passed and Finn knew that it was fading away just like Poe’s hope.
Just like Poe himself.
The meeting didn’t go very well. It started a bit odd, with Leia looking at them with a sad expression in her eyes and it evolved with Finn shouting, Rey trying to shout harder telling him to calm down and Poe completely silent looking only at Leia.
“Hell no i ain’t calming down! Are y’all serious right now?” If Finn wasn’t this angry he’d actually feel bad for shouting at Rey.
“We’re not gonna solve anything if you continue shouting like a maniac!”
Finn was ready to shout back some totally not friendly words at Rey, when Poe’s tired and broken voice made the room go silent.
“Is this the only way?” His eyes were steady and only looking Leia, in the familiar look they always shared.
“Poe.” Finn was desperate. “Are you crazy? Didn’t we hear the same thing?”
“It is.” Leia answered back, not breaking the gaze they shared.
That’s when Poe looked away, with tears in his eyes. “Finn if the General says it is the only way then it is.”
Finn didn’t have a chance to answer back because Poe started to swallow his sobs as he continued talking, “I have given my life to the Resistance. To this cause. I never doubted anything you said General. I always followed my orders. Always. But this i-” his voice was shaking more with every word, “i- i just can’t. I am so sorry but i can’t”
Leia got up and moved around her big desk. She reached Poe in just 3 steps and hugged him tight. That’s when Poe stopped trying to hold back and cried.
“Finn”
He didn’t even see Rey getting next to him.
“We’ve always known it would come to this. We tried so many things. We even traveled to planets in the outer rim. Lai’ra is only getting stronger day by day and if we continue to run like this we put her, the Resistance and ourselves in danger. The best solution right now is to split up and you know it. The Resistance needs this and Lai’ra is in danger while you and Poe stay with her”
Finn shook his head. “Rey i can’t. No. Me and Poe will take her and run away alone.”
“Finn how long do you think you three will last? A week? A month tops? Is that what you want?”
“Rey please” he begged, “Don’t do this. Anything but this”
Just when he finished his sentence, a siren filled the room.
“The first order.” she breathed, “They’re here.”
Rey and Leia run out of the room, already shouting orders about evacuation and the defence plan.
“Okay you go find Jess and the rest of the squadron, i’ll go get Lai’ra and then then we can-”
Finn stopped talking immediately when he realised Poe wasn’t paying attention.
He was standing in the same corner he was throughout the whole meeting, his arms tight around his body and he was shaking.
Poe wasn’t always like this.
Finn knew how to take care of him. He knew this wasn’t the result of him being scared of a first order attack. This was his body and mind giving up under the weight of anxiety.
Poe was taking quick and short breaths and Finn could almost hear his heart pounding. These panic attacks were getting more and more frequent, almost every month now.
Finn could hear the chaos outside and he almost felt guilt that he actually didn’t care as much. Because his whole world was inside this room and this is where he’s needed.
Slowly he came to Poe’s side. He was doing his best in keeping his voice calm.
“Poe”, he breathed, “Is it okay if i sit next to you?”
Poe didn’t react in any kind of way. Finn swallowed and tried again.
“Poe, can i stand beside you please?” his voice was steady.
“Yes”
“Am i allowed to hug you?”
Even tho Poe was still shaking, Finn saw the little hint of a nod. So he carefully placed his arms around him, one arm steady and tight on Poe’s back and the other gently brushing his hair.
In the last 5 years, Finn used the force in people’s minds many times, but not even once on Poe’s. He didn’t need the force to know his thoughts or feel his pain or read behind his eyes.
He didn’t need the force to know how heavy his chest felt or how his motivation to get up every day was slipping away or how his eyes burned a little bit more every moment.
Finn’s voice was soft against Poe’s ear, “shhhh it’s okay. You are not alone. I’m here, i will always be here and i will never allow anyone to harm us.”
It was brief but Finn could feel Poe calming down, even a little bit.
“I just...i, i- i feel so...i just feel so helpless. Finn. Finn you don’t deserve this. You deserve so much better than this. I hate it. I hate this situation and i hate myself for doing this to you.”
“Poe please darling no. All you did to me was love me and give me a family. You ever only gave me love and i love you Poe so much. Nothing you do is wrong. We are humans. Our hearts can only take this much.”
Poe was also hugging him now. Slowly, he raised his head to look at him. His eyes were red and swollen and fresh tears run to his cheeks.
“I love you so much. I don’t know what i’ve done to deserve you and i’m so selfish for not wanting to let you go”
Finn carefully took Poe’s face in his hands. With soft moves, his thumbs brushed away the tears from his cheeks and then he kissed him there, like it was the most sacred thing to do.
Maybe to him it truly was.
“Then i’m selfish too because i’m never letting you go.”
Even tho Poe was still shaking, Finn could feel his body relaxing under his touch and his heartbeats getting slower.
“Take a deep breath okay? For me”
Poe closed his eyes and obeyed. His first breaths were shakinly but with each one, he was getting better.
Oh my darling, Finn thought, if only i could keep you here in my arms forever...if only i could protect you from everything...if only my love was enough.
Poe opened his eyes and did his best to give him a smile.
That’s him. Trying to give me light even when he can’t escape his own darkness.
Finn leaned in and kissed him gently. He tried to tell him all the things he desired but also to pass his love though that kiss. It was desperate but also soft. It was quick but also slow. It was fulfilling, but also it needed more.
It was too much and not enough.
It was all of that at once. Because that’s how it always felt. Like they had everything they wanted, but that everything was at the same time lost.
Finn broke the kiss and heard Poe’s instant breath. He closed his eyes, their foreheads touching. Poe took one last deep breath and raised his head.
“Okay.”
Finn opened his eyes, already missing Poe’s warmth against his forehead.
“You feeling better?”
“Yeah…” Poe whispered, sounding unsure.
What Finn wanted to say was “It’s okay baby, it’s okay...take your time, let your wounds heal, i promise you, you’ll be okay. I can help you...” But, what he said was, “I promise you we’ll talk about this again, but i need you to go find Lai’ra right now, okay?” even if it hurted like hell.
Finn saw guilt in Poe’s eyes. That look right there, was what made his heart sunk. Poe please no, this isn’t your fault-
“On it. I’ll meet you on the main hangar in fifteen minutes, okay?”
I am so sorry about this Poe, i can’t believe i hurt you like this.
“Okay be careful”
“You too.”
Poe reached Lai’ra’s room in, what felt like, a heartbeat. As impossible as it felt, even more fear made its way to his heart, when he saw the empty room.
“Nena?!”
He felt the massive amount of relief, when he saw the familiar curly hair pop up from under the tiny table. He let a breath he didn’t know was holding and he kneeled down as she run to his arms.
“Papá!” she cried, “tengo miedo!”
“I know nena, it’s okay, i’m here now”
He saw BB-8 rolling next to him and he knew he had no more time to waste.
He picked her up and started making his way to the hangar, as fast as possible.
People were running and screaming, the whole place was like a blaster rain, in red and green colors and the the familiar noise of x-wings and tie fighters, was making his ears bleed.
Lai’ra was holding him tight- her little hands around his neck, while sobbing and shaking into his neck.
Poe recognised Rey immediately. He run to her and took cover. They were now standing next to her A-wing.
He couldn’t help but remember his mother.
Rey stopped firing her blaster, and turned to look at him. She didn’t need to say anything because her eyes did all the work.
“No”
“Poe it’s now or never”
“I need to wait for Finn please-”
“There’s no time.” She reached her hands to take Lai’ra, right from his hands.
Lai’ra cried harder and shouted things he couldn’t understand or hear clearly.
“Poe help me out we need to go now!”
“Let me-” He cleared his voice, “Let me calm her down. Please.”
Her expression was soft and full of sorrow, but she nodded.
Poe hold Lai’ra’s little body even tighter than before and started to whispear the familiar melody his mother used to sing to him when he was very young.
“muñequita linda, de cabellos de oro, de dientes de perlas y labios de carmín”
He felt her relax, under his hug so he continued, “Dime si me quieres, como yo te quiero, dime si te acuerdas como yo de ti.”
She lifted her tiny head and looked at him with her beautiful hazel eyes. He smiled at her and moved her hair from her face, as gently as he could and he finished the lullaby just before kissing her softly on her cheek.
“Yo te quiero mucho,mucho, mucho, mucho, tanto como entonces, siempre hasta morir.”
She sniffed and grabbed his shirt.
“Nena, you will stay with untie Rey for a little while, okay?”
“No papá, i want you and dad.” she cried.
“I know nena.” he kissed her forehead “Lo sé” he took a deep breath. The blaster noise was even louder now.
“We’ll come very soon, okay? We love you more than anything in the galaxy”
She still looked at him with the same expression.
“Te quiero papá”
Only the force knows, how he held it together and managed to smile. He picked her up carefully and handled her to Rey.
“Te quiero mucho nena”
Rey lost no more time and got in her A-wing as soon as possible.
Poe kept his eyes on the ship, up until the moment it completely disappeared from his gaze.
Poe made sure everyone got in to their transports before he got in the falcon
“Jess?! All the transports are gone, tell everyone to leave and make the jump to the rendezvous point immediately.”
“Copy that black leader. Did you get in one?”
“I’m in the falcon now. Go!”
“Okay Poe. Be careful.”
He saw all the x-wings jumping to hyperspace
Come on Finn where are you
Just as he was really starting to worry, he saw Finn running to the falcon while a tie fighter was shooting at him.
Oh god.
Poe prepared the engines. “BB-8 set the coordinates now!”
Cold sweat was dripping from his head to the back of his neck and his hands were holding the lever so tight, it made his fingers white.
Come on Finn. You’re almost here. Come on, you can do this.
I can’t do this.
Finn was running faster than he thought he could, his throat and legs burning. He could see the falcon up ahead and sense Poe in it, but he could also sense (and hear) the tie getting even closer.
That’s when the idea hit him.
He stopped running and stood there with his eyes close. The last thought before clearing his head was i hope this isn’t stupid. He took a deep breath and turned to face the fighter more determined than ever.
He extended his hand, keeping his eyes steady on the enemy ship and felt the force surround him, a pleasant and strong feeling. It was like every cell in his body was as bright as a star. He could sense the pilot of the tie fighter getting confused at first, and then that becoming fear as he lost total control of the ship.
With a move of his hand, Finn crashed the ship to the ground. The exhaustion hit his whole body like a blaster fire but he turned and run again, to the falcon.
He felt the ship making the jump, moments after he got in.
His body gave up to the weight of exhaustion and he fell to the ground breathing hard.
He heard Poe’s quick footsteps and then felt his hands on his shoulders.
“Are you okay?!”
He managed to breath a quick yes.
Poe left a relieved breath and hugged him tight.
“I got so scared. I didn’t know how to help you and-”
“It’s okay, there’s nothing you could do i had it under control i promise”
After a long moment Finn realised something. He broke their embrace to look at Poe.
“Where’s Lai’ra? I can’t sense her here”
Poe just looked at him without answering. Finn could feel the anxiety on his stomach as much as the raising heat on his face.
“Poe. Where’s Lai-”
“Rey took her.”
His face was hot with anger now.
“Where”
“I…I don’t-”
“Poe, where?”
“I don’t know!”
they were both shouting now.
“What do you mean you don’t know?! You just let her take our daughter like that without even talking about it with me first?
“Finn i didn’t even know where you were! And they were firing at us and i just-”
“You just what?!?!”
“I just did what i thought was best at the time!”
Finn could not believe this. How could he do this?
“Poe you knew i did not agree with this. You knew and yet you acted on it like i don’t matter.”
“Finn that’s not-”
“That’s not what?! What?! You know how fucked up your mind is, you know you can’t even make a simple decision without me anymore and you that you are completely useless on your own and yet you went out there without me and managed to make everything worse and i have to fix it up again!”
Finn regret every single word he said, the moment the words came out of his mouth. Poe looked at him with shock that slowly turned to hurt.
“I’m sorry.”
Then he stood up and made made his way to the dorms.
“Poe no, that’s not what-”
Poe didn’t stop and and very quickly Finn just stood there alone with his thoughts.