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dear mom. dear dad.
peter here.
remember me?
dumb question.
of course you do.
i mean,i’m your son.
right?
at least, i was.
i don’t really know anymore.
we haven’t talked. not really.
not in that family way you see in movies.
not like we used to.
i didn’t think i’d ever write one of these.
a suicide note.
and yet here i am.
i don’t want to die.
i didn’t want this.
but i also don’t know what i want anymore.
because it doesn’t seem to matter.
still, i hope you don’t read this.
because if you’re reading it,
then i guess. i did it.
i’m sorry.
god, i’m sorry.
i didn’t want to be a coward.
but maybe that’s all i ever was.
i don’t remember my birth parents.
never knew their names.
never saw their faces.
but i had you.
and that was more than enough.
you were my mom.
you were my dad.
you chose me.
you loved me, until you didn’t.
until you couldn’t.
and that’s okay.
it’s not your fault.
i mean… look at me.
flash says i’m trash.
just white, useless garbage.
a stupid, puny parker.
not even a real stark.
and maybe he’s right.
you never changed my last name.
not that it mattered.
except… maybe it did.
a little.
because sometimes, i wanted it to.
but i told myself love was enough.
and for a while, it was.
i was eight when auntie nat told me.
about how you tried for years.
about how you couldn’t conceive.
about how you wanted a baby so badly.
and then, you got me.
seven months old.
tiny.
yours.
you brought me home
and you loved me.
everyone did.
and i believed i belonged.
you gave me fourteen good years.
fourteen amazing, golden years.
and then on my 14th birthday, you told me:
“peter, you’re going to be a big brother.”
i was so happy.
why wouldn’t i be?
a sibling.
a real family.
mom. dad. me. and baby.
perfect.
except… it wasn’t.
mom got moody.
sick. tired.
and i got it.
it was the pregnancy.
i tried to understand.
i told myself:
“you’re going to be a big brother.
be mature. stop being needy.
this is how families grow.”
and then morgan was born.
morgan h. stark.
she was everything i wasn’t.
your miracle child.
your flesh. your blood.
a real stark.
and suddenly…
i didn’t matter.
i know she was a baby.
i know she needed more.
but i needed you too.
i needed you when flash shoved me into lockers.
when i won the decathlon nationals.
when i had my first panic attack.
when i couldn’t breathe.
i needed you to hold me.
to hug me.
to say “we see you, peter.”
“you still matter.”
but you were busy.
and maybe that’s fair.
you had SI.
you had sleepless nights.
you had her.
i had… me.
i thought maybe it was temporary.
that once morgan got older,
things would go back to how they were.
but then…
you didn’t come to my career day.
and that hurt more than anything.
flash’s dad showed up.
flash’s deadbeat dad.
and flash laughed.
“you’re not a stark,” he said.
“you’ll never be a stark.”
“not their real kid. why would they care?”
and for the first time,
i believed him.
friday says i’m showing signs of depression.
that i need help.
so i went to the school counselor.
twice. maybe three times.
she said she had to tell you.
i begged her not to.
said you had enough on your plate.
said i’d tell you myself.
but i didn’t.
i tried.
but every time i opened my mouth,
you weren’t listening.
i’m not jealous.
i just feel like a ghost in my own house.
i don’t know how to talk to you anymore.
don’t know where i fit.
i used to tell you everything.
now i can’t even say “good morning” without choking on the silence.
morgan turns one next week.
and i’m happy for her.
i really am.
i love her. she’s my baby sister.
but i’m also,
dead inside.
it’s hard to breathe.
the anxiety’s getting worse.
i need help.
i’m not okay.
i haven’t been okay in a long time.
and i’m sorry.
for being broken.
for not trying harder.
for not being strong enough.
stark men are made of iron.
but me?
i’m not even a stark.
i’m just peter.
and i’m sorry.
i love you both.
more than anything.
you’re still my mom and dad.
even if i’m not your son anymore.
don’t blame yourselves.
you’ll be okay.
i promise.
i was just…
already gone.
love always,
your (maybe forgotten) son,
peter b. parker
(maybe flash was right, i’ll never be a stark.)