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"Look, I'm just saying, it's a little dark in here," Shisui was saying. "I know that being dark and damp is the in-thing for dungeons these days, but it's a little too old-school you know what I mean?"
"Will you be silent, Uchiha?!"
His captor was looking a little wild around the eyes, flushed but okay Shisui was generous. "I understand you're trying," he said encouragingly. "Sometimes you gotta work with what you got. I mean look at this bench here, it's a bit old and stuff, it's growing white mould - you could have it repainted it - with uh, old torture dungeon chic if you wanted. At least it won't look like se-"
The door slammed open. "Uchiha," Tobirama said.
Shisui's captor yelped, turned to try to snap his whip at Tobirama.
"Oooh bad move," Shisui said, just as Tobirama flung a negligent hand towards the whip, and a slice of water snake shot out, wrapped around it and snapped the whip.
"Senju Tobirama!"
"Yes, that is he," Shisui said, cheerfully. "Now you can see the contrast right? Someone like him, in your dungeon cells, it really makes it look very last year. You should update your look a little."
Tobirama was looking over the entire room with a hyper critical eye. "It's dark," he said.
"I know right?" Shisui said.
"You need more air movement when you have a long sex session," Tobirama said. "The air circulation here is abysmal."
"Yeah you heard him you need more air for - wait what?"
Tobirama sneered at the furniture that oh, those really did look a lot like…
"Oh," Shisui said, "So you were going for sex dungeon look. I see."
"It is not a sex-dungeon LOOK!"
"It's an inefficiently set up sex dungeon," Tobirama said. "Uchiha, you should have figured this out by now."
"Don't take it personally," Shisui told his captor, "he's got that teacher face thing going, he is always like this."
"I don't have a teacher face and I don't have students."
"Yet," Shisui said. "You don't have students yet. One day you will, my little kohai!"
"You're literally only three months older than me," Tobirama said. And then kicked at the bench with the questionable white stains. "Hn. cheap pine wood. You would do better with mahogany."
"Look, you got your teacherface on right now," Shisui said. "Hey man," he told the guy who was sputtering at Tobirama. "You can apply to the uh- his older brother for the costs of his damage. Wow is that weird to say. Just this time last year I would never thought I'd get to talk about the Shodaime like I personally know him."
"As you've said before." Tobirama shook his sandal-ed foot out a little till the splinters all fell off. "And if you do apply for the costs of destruction of cheap and inferior sex furniture, you also have to remember to take off the costs of keeping the Uchiha here without prior application."
"You know my name," Shisui said plaintively. "Tobira-chan - okay wow, weird, it sounded cuter in my head, it sounds WAY too cute out loud - you agree right?"
The guy was sputtering, and trying to do something with rope and maybe knives, Shisui had to give it to him for his persistence.
Tobirama huffed and flicked his fingers - and a clone went and dealt with the guy and his rope.
"I am polite," Tobirama pointed out. "And you are not convincing me that the future manners are any better than this time's."
"It's perfectly viable to use a little informality," Shisui protested. "Especially since you keep rescuing me from dungeons."
"From sex dungeons," Tobirama said. "Why do you always end up in these?"
He gave everything a very critical sweep of his very pretty red eyes.
(Look, Tobirama was Nidaime - will be Nidaime - but no one could ever deny that he was the prettiest little shit Shisui had ever seen, and he was from the Clan of Really Pretty Fuckers)
"Wait, don't say -"
"Sub-standard sex dungeons," Tobirama sniffed.
"Aw man," Shisui said. "Don't say that! You made the last guy cry!"
"He deserved it, the colours totally clashed, and he kept the sex toys with the wrong lube," Tobirama said.
"This is why no one will let you stay in their sex dungeons."
Tobirama's clone dealt with Shisui's captor, as Shisui exited the room through the shattered door.
"They keep inviting me and asking me what I thought," Tobirama said.
"And then after you told them, the Mizukage sent a very upset letter to your brother."
"If he didn't want my honest opinion he shouldn't have asked for it," Tobirama said. "Besides, the Mizukage should be strong enough to take honest criticism."
"No one wants to be told that their sex sling swing-thing is made of amateur and sub-standard materials!"
Tobirama slanted him a narrow look, and Shisui just HAD to reach over. He really wanted to brush his knuckles against those ridiculously high cheekbones, but restrained himself to a finger poke to the tip of one bright red tattoo.
Tobirama blinked, and then reached over to catch Shisui's wrist.
And like, Shisui knew just WHAT the other was thinking - ah, those long ago days when Shisui was his age - everything was always full of raging hormones -
"You're literally only three months older than me," Tobirama said, and before Shisui could compute that he had been saying it out loud, Tobirama pulled him close and kissed him.
(The first time they'd kissed, six months ago, Shisui had yelped about a) kissing nidaime-sama, b) violating his grandfather's sensei and childhood crush, and c) betraying the Uchiha Clan - and Tobirama had rolled his eyes and swept Shisui off his feet so of course Shisui had to retaliate and somehow they both ended up destroying the wall of Madara-sama's guest bedroom which was where Shisui had been staying in because Madara was his great-grandfather of COURSE he would stay with him - and then Madara screeched at them for two hours straight.)
"Guys," Izuna said, after two minutes of Tobirama trying to steal Shisui's breath and Shisui trying to take it back with interest, "You guys make a real pretty picture but can I try to burn down the building without you in it?"
"Hnghrable," Shisui said.
"Go ahead," Tobirama said, "That was a sub-"
"Don't say it!"
"-standard sex dungeon anyway."
"Nothing ever compares to your Anija's, I know and completely agree," izuna said, and his gaze was just that brief moment of dreamy, and Shisui gagged a little theatrically.
"Don't talk about my Anija like that," Tobirama said flatly. "What you and Anija do behind closed doors is private."
"Hnnn, closed doors," Izuna sighed. "I asked if I could invite Mikami-chan as well, do you think he'd say yes?"
Mikami-chan, grey, grizzled battle-axe of a kunoichi who still had a set of lungs that could yell across the compound and make her son-in-law Fugaku flinch and STILL had the air to set Shisui's hair on literal fire, and Izuna and Shodaime-sama.
Sometimes, Shisui thought, history never told the REAL TRUTH.
"He might, and I don't want to know," Tobirama said. "Come on, Shisui-kun, we should let Izuna indulge his pyromaniac tendencies."
"You called me -kun!" Shisui grinned, and landed an enthusiastic kiss on his cheek. "I KNEW you know my name, kohai!"
Tobirama rolled his eyes, but didn't quite fight the smile as they exited the compound of Sub-standard Sex Dungeon #26 that Tobirama had to fish Shisui out of, and when they kissed, the subsequent screeches of Madara-sama when he DID find them was drowned out by the crackling of flame.