Work Text:
12:11 p.m.
"Each one of you will be given a child to take care of by yourselves to teach you what single teen parenthood is like. You must keep on the bracelet you receive with your baby, and you may not hand your baby off to someone else, as your bracelet ensures that only you can soothe your baby. Now, starting with Alex and Rebecca, walk up to the front of the class to receive your babies, along with their car seats, diaper bags, and bracelets." Ms. Carson drones.
Ned turns to face Peter. "How's Tony taking becoming a grandpa?"
Peter nudges him with his shoulder as they get on the line. "He says he's not even fit to be a dog sitter, so I have no clue how he could be a grandpa."
"Well, he should get some practice now for when you eventually spread your wings." Ned says with the accompaniment of theatrical hand movements.
"Um, I haven't found a way to tell him yet. But, I have to sleep at the tower this week, 'cuz of May's midnight shifts, so he'll find out in a couple of hours." Peter says.
"Let's hope he likes having a.. really? A girl?" Ned groans as he receives his doll and supplies.
"What's wrong with having a daughter?" Peter asks as he slings the diaper bag over his shoulder.
"I wanted to raise a son to learn a couple of life lessons before I had a daughter for him to teach them to." Ned sighs. "It would've been the perfect family."
"Well, I love my daughter, and I'm gonna name her... Meghan!" Peter says.
"As in Megan Parker? From Drake & Josh?" Ned asks.
"Well, Meghan with an h." Peter says. "But it's perfect, she already has my last name! It's like we were made for each other."
Ned looks at Peter for a second. "There's just one problem."
"What's that?" Peter asks.
"How are you gonna be a crime-fighting superhero...with a baby that constantly cries?" Ned asks.
Peter drops his head into his hands and groans. "Oh, fuc-"
3:00 p.m.
"Hey, Happy." Peter says as he slides into the car before looking to his left. "Hey, Tony. TONY?!"
Happy nods to him before he pulls away from the curb, leaving Peter to turn to the billionaire in the seat next to his.
"So you wanna tell me why you're carrying a car seat and a diaper bag?" Tony asks as he looks up from his phone.
"...Surprise?" Peter says with a nervous laugh.
Tony stares at him for a moment, his glare showing an unidentifiable emotion.
"Okay, it's not a real baby." Peter says.
Tony breathes a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank god. I'm not becoming a grandpa before I become a dad."
"Well, I do need a babysitter..." Peter starts.
"No. No, no, no. NO!" Tony says.
"But I have patrol!" Peter whines.
"This is the one time that I'm letting you skip patrol." Tony says.
"You can't just watch her? For one night?" Peter asks, flashing his puppy eyes at the billionaire.
"Don't do this to me, Pete." Tony warns.
"She needs her grandpa to show her what it's like to be a New Yorker!" Peter pleads.
"She? What's her name?" Tony asks, craning his head to look into the carrier.
"Meghan." Peter says.
"So, you want me to watch..Meghan..for one night?" Tony says.
"Well, I have her until Friday, so three nights. But, I'll only be gone an hour, two tops." Peter says.
"Peter, I said one time!" Tony says.
Peter pulls the bracelet out of his jacket pocket and drops it into Tony's lap. "Whenever she starts crying, just sync the bracelet with the heart on her foot and then figure out why she's crying."
"That doesn't sound that bad." Tony says as he looks in the diaper bag.
He doesn't see the knowing look that Peter gives him.
4:37 p.m.
Tony bangs his head against the marble countertop for the tenth time.
"I hate this baby." Tony groans over the doll's wails.
"Now, Tony, that's not a very nice thing to say about your granddaughter." Steve says as he bounces the doll in his arms.
"I tried feeding her, fixing her head position, changing her diaper, rocking her, fuck, PLAYING with her, and nothing's working." Tony moans. "I wanna rip her fucking head off."
Steve gasps as he covers the doll's ears. "How disgraceful!"
Tony sticks his tongue out at him, to which Steve reciprocates.
"Did you try burping her?" Steve asks.
"It's a doll." Tony says.
"It's supposed to simulate a baby, and babies burp." Steve responds.
He lightly taps the doll's back, and it lets out a burp before going silent.
Tony looks up at Steve. "Please stay."
Steve chuckles before holding the doll out to Tony. "This is your responsibility until he comes back."
"Steve, I can't, I really can't, she's gonna kill me." Tony says in a pleading tone.
Steve sighs before looking at the baby, then Tony. "This really wasn't my idea of a Wednesday afternoon."
"You'll stay?" Tony asks, looking at Steve with hope in his eyes.
"Of course I'm gonna stay." Steve says.
Before Steve knows it, Tony's arms are wrapped around his torso and his head is pressing into his abs.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Tony squeals.
Steve moves a hand to pat Tony's back. "So you're gonna be the one to tell Nat that I can't spar with her later?"
"That's easy." Tony says as he looks up at Steve.
"This is Natasha we're talking about, correct?" Steve asks.
"She loves me." Tony says.
4:43 p.m.
"What do you mean, 'no'? I need him!" Tony whines.
"Tony, I don't have anyone else Steve's build to spar with right now. Plus, why do you need him so much?" Natasha says.
Tony wildly gestures to Steve cradling the doll while it makes cooing sounds. "He's a baby whisperer, and I'm stuck with this baby until 7 p.m., so please, please, find someone else."
"Tony, it's a doll!" Natasha snaps. "You can't take care of a fucking piece of plastic?!"
"You haven't heard that thing cry, and cry, and cry. I never knew a speaker could simulate such reality!" Tony cries out.
"Fine. But you're gonna owe me, big time." Natasha says.
"I'm sooooo scared." Tony drones.
"You should be." Natasha says with a cold glare before walking away. "Bye, Steve!"
"See you later!" Steve says before turning to Tony. "So, now what?"
"Well, I need a nap, so you can take care of your grand-niece." Tony says with a wave of his hand as he starts to walk to the elevator.
"No, no, no! If you want me to take care of this baby-"
"It's a doll." Tony interrupts, which he receives a glare for doing.
"-then I get to follow you wherever you're going. Just because you're a lazy grandfather doesn't mean you can be negligent." Steve says. "So, let's go."
"I can't believe this. I try to get a break on my day off, and now i have to tag along with Designated Granddaddy and his Doll of Terror." Tony huffs.
"Technically it's granduncle, but I'll let it slide." Steve says.
"What you just said qualifies as you not 'letting it slide'." Tony says.
5:27 p.m.
Tony's woken up by the sound of cries playing on a speaker and Steve gently shushing the doll.
"T'll th't thing to sh't UP!" Tony groans into his pillow.
Steve looks up from his seat on the ottoman. "Oh, sorry, didn't think you were that light of a sleeper."
"'m not, but if you put a cry'ng b'by in my room, I not'ce." Tony mumbles before pulling the throw blanket over his shoulders and flopping down onto the bed.
"This wouldn't be happening if someone took care of his grandchild." Steve says.
Tony sits up in his bed and throws a decorative pillow at Steve's head. It hits the doll's head and starts it into a bout of crying.
"Look what you did! You're making Peter's grade go down!" Steve says as he pulls the bracelet out of the diaper bag.
"I'll reprogram it to fix his score later." Tony says before shuffling over to Steve with the throw blanket hanging over his body.
The doll eventually stops crying, and Steve places it into the carrier before turning to Tony. "What?"
"I can't sleep, it's too bright in here." Tony says.
"And what would you like for me to do about that, Tony? Turn off the sun?" Steve asks.
At that moment, the power goes out, covering the room in darkness.
The two are silent for a minute before Tony says something.
"You jinxed it."
5:28 p.m.
Peter looks up from his seat on a random fire escape to see all the lights in Queens go out, plunging the city into darkness.
He hurriedly finishes his hot dog and lets out a loud groan as he shoots a web onto the side of an adjacent building. He grabs onto it and swings himself to the ground to find anyone who needs help.
"This is gonna be a long day, KAREN." Peter says as his feet touch the ground.
5:29 p.m.
"Breaking news, a blackout has hit boroughs Brooklyn, Queens, and Manhattan, already causing multiple car accidents." The radio news reporter says. "If you don't have a generator in your home, then you're in trouble. Officials say to stay inside and wait out the blackout, but it could last hours, or even days. Coming up, a woman in Jackson Heights has been found in a basement after being missing for three days. This is 1010 Wins, and I'm Larry Mullins."
5:30 p.m.
"Steve?" Tony asks, moving a finger to poke Steve in his side.
"Tony, I'm in the same spot I was a second ago, no matter how many times you poke me in my ribs." Steve says.
"How am I supposed to know where you are, then? I don't have my night vision goggles on me." Tony says.
"Of course you have night vision goggles." Steve groans. "Now, can we please go check on the generators?"
"Who needs to walk when you have surveillance cameras?" Tony says as he drags Steve over to his bed before fumbling around for his StarkPad. Once he picks it up, he goes to the live camera feed.
Tony shoves the screen in Steve's face. "See? It's fine, they're starting up now."
"How do you have power for the cameras?" Steve asks.
"When you're smart, you hook up different generators to different mainframes, so you only use power for what's necessary." Tony says.
"So where's the footage for the conference floors?" Steve says as he scrolls through the different cameras.
"Oh. there's no power up there. At all. Why give power to the place I hate the most?" Tony says.
Before Steve can say anything, FRIDAY comes on, saying, "Some of the systems are running up again, boss. However, I cannot access floors 45-55 since you labeled them as a tertiary concern for electrical issues."
"You really cut power from all of the conference floors?" Steve asks.
"I know you wanna see how freaked out execs get when their slideshows don't show up." Tony says. "It's really funny."
"You're terrible." Steve says. "Absolutely terrible."
5:40 p.m.
"You wanna do what now?" Steve asks.
"Make a blanket pile. It's the comfiest thing you're ever gonna experience. Trust me." Tony says as he pulls some blankets out from the linen closet.
"We can't just watch a movie, I dunno, NORMALLY?! Like on the couch?" Steve asks.
"I can watch this movie without you if you want to complain." Tony says as he walks to the bedroom to get the car seat.
"You know you don't want to, so what's the point of the empty threat?" Steve asks.
"Who said it was an empty threat?" Tony asks. "I can and will ask FRIDAY to paintball you."
"But you bought me this." Steve says as he picks at the fabric.
"Look, it's not that I don't love the way your boobs look in it, it's just the fact that it's supposed to be an ugly sweater, and you're making it look ugly in a good way. And that's not gonna slide." Tony says.
"They're not breasts!" Steve groans, moving his hands to cover the front of his shirt.
"Be proud of them, Steve, you're a solid C-cup. Some girls would dream to have that." Tony says as he lays a blanket out on the floor. "You should be glad I didn't buy you a bra for your birthday."
"I think I would've killed you if you gave me a bra. Not even on my birthday, just at any time." Steve says.
"Do you want that backless bra that sticks to your boobs? It's convenient and gives you some cleavage."
"TONY!"
5:51 p.m.
"So, what movie genre are we watching?" Steve asks.
"Horror movies." Tony says with a smile.
"Why, Tony, whyyy?" Steve groans."Can't we watch a comedy?"
"Steve?" Tony asks as he places a hand on his shoulder. "Do you want to be a functioning member of society or do you wanna laugh at something for an hour?"
Steve thinks for a moment. "Comedy."
"Well, we can't all get what we want." Tony says as he clicks on a movie option.
Steve looks at the screen. "Nightmare on Elm Street? Tony."
"It's mediocre at worst, okay. And that's if you aren't paying attention." Tony says. "I'll be quizzing you afterwards, so pay attention."
6:05 p.m.
Peter swings into the tower through a window, expecting FRIDAY to greet him. He hears nothing, which puts him on edge.
Peter creeps down the hall wrapped in darkness before slipping back on his mask.
"What's going on, KAREN?" Peter asks.
"There seems to be a black out all throughout the Lower West side of New York." Karen says. "The backup generators don't supply power to these floors, only the lower floors and the labs, so everyone's fine."
Peter huffs out a sigh of relief before walking to the elevator.
"Does the elevator work?" Peter asks. "I don't think my legs can take walking down the stairs."
"Fortunately, it does work." KAREN says. "Also, would you like me to schedule a massage appointment with your masseuse in the gym?"
"Please do." Peter groans out before pressing the 'down' button on the elevator panel.
The doors open and Peter walks in before the doors close. He pulls off his mask and runs a hand through his hair as the elevator takes him to where the others are.
The doors reopen to a giant blanket fort on the lounge floor as a movie plays on the flat screen TV.
Peter walks over to the blanket fort as he tugs his suit off his arms and down to his waist, revealing his T-shirt.
"Hey, Peter." Steve whispers as he gently moves the carrier aside, trying not to awaken the sleeping figure in his lap.
"What are you guys doing?" Peter asks.
"Well, after the power went out, we went the more...recreational route of dealing with the dark." Steve says as Peter burrows under the huge blanket draped over Steve and Tony, the latter's snores indicating that he didn't know Peter was there.
Peter finally peeked his head through an opening after getting comfortable. "How was Meghan?"
Steve looks down at Tony, who incoherently mumbled at the mention of her name. "I think I'll let Tony tell you when he wakes up."
"If I get a grade below an 80, I blame the both of you." Peter says as he rests his head on Steve's thigh.
"You'll be fine." Steve says. "Plus, Tony's gonna feel too bad to let you keep a bad grade."
"What does that mean?" Peter asks.
Steve turns his head away from Peter and mumbles, "...Reprogramming the doll."
Peter lifts his head up. "That's cheating!"
Steve throws his hands in the air. "That's what I said, but it apparently doesn't count."
"I' does n't." Tony mumbles before nuzzling further into Steve's side.
"You know what? He can deal with Ms. Carson when she threatens to lower my grade." Peter says before resting his head back on its spot on Steve's thigh.
---
And after a long, stern call from the Tony Stark, Peter's health grade mysteriously goes from an 87 back to a 100, even though Tony swears this could've been avoided if he was allowed to reprogram the doll.
---
And if Natasha makes Steve and Tony try on bras in a Victoria's Secret while recording the entire time, everyone else is none the wiser.