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The door to the break room opened and Connor didn’t lift his head from his hands. The emotions swirling through him were overwhelming and he felt like there was no end. Downey had died on his watch.
He’d never forgive himself.
“Connor.”
The strong south-side accent flowed into Connor’s ears and he felt a presence behind him. Connor swore; of all the people-
“Connor, hey. How are you doin’?”
“Fine.”
“We both know that’s bullshit.”
The shock of red hair sat down in the chair beside him, but not once did Will touch him. Fucking doctors and trauma training.
“Seriously, Will. I’m fine.”
“If you were so fine you’d have noticed I just sucker-punched my brother in the ER for being so fucking rude.”
Connor glanced up, attention caught, but Will just smiled softly.
“Thought that might perk your interest. I’m here to talk about you, man. April told me you went straight to another patient.”
“The ER doesn’t stop when I do,” Connor murmured, but Will shrugged.
“You’d be surprised; it’s almost like the room knows when one of us is down and gives us a multiple car collision.”
Connor couldn’t even laugh, or smirk, or snort. He just stared at the table. Despite the numb feeling in his mind, he knew his hands were shaking and his foot was tapping anxiously against the carpet. Peeking at Will, the man looked distressed at the loss of a colleague but he also had a calm and collected look to him. Will’s eyes, brown like rich coffee, were more like dark chocolate and Connor tensed up. Downey had always told him Will would be the one to break his walls.
“You know, I lost my mentor recently. I did my rotations with her in my fourth year; she was a genius.”
“Dr Rowan,” Connor murmured, and Will hummed.
“She taught me everything I know about medicine and maybe a little bit about life, too. She wasn’t the maternal type at all, but maybe it was just what I needed after mum died and Jay left.”
Connor was quiet, just listening to Will. Halstead stood, placing a hand on Connor’s shoulder.
“What I mean to say is I have an idea of what you’re going through right now and I want you to know I’m uh- I’m here for you. Anythin’ you need, all you gotta do is ask. I’ll have to borrow your card, though, because- well, med school for working-class isn’t exactly cheap-“
Connor got up and grabbed Will by the wrist to stop him leaving. Will hesitated, before extending the hand Connor wasn’t grasping.
“C’mere man. You’re not okay.”
The soft tone made Connor’s eyes push a couple of tears down his cheeks, and Will sighed.
“Come with me.”
The rush through the emergency room to the staff carpark was spent with Connor’s head down. Will was still holding his hand tightly- a grasp Connor could almost identify as one of comfort- and he tossed their bags into the back of his car.
“Hey. We’re gonna get you home, okay?”
Connor didn’t answer as he let Will help him into the passenger seat. Their hands released and for a moment Connor felt like he was going to join Downey six feet under. His breath hitched, chest tightening. Within seconds Will was in the driver’s side, and he had his hands on Connor’s biceps.
“Connor! Connor, you’re safe. I was getting in the car so I could take you home, remember?”
Just like that the panic is subsiding, and he’s gulping air to recover. Will’s hands are brushing through his fringe and holding his arm, and Connor almost wants to crumple against him. If he lets his guard down too long, he probably will.
Tossing their bags to the side Will closed and locked Connor’s apartment door. Connor was still grasping his hand and he cleared his throat, awkwardly stepping forward.
“I- uh… can I- can I- did you want a drink, or-or… have you eaten yet?”
Will smiled, shaking his head.
“This is about you. Go sit on the couch.”
“Can’t,” Connor blurted, and Will frowned for a split second before his gaze displayed the clarity he’d found.
“Okay, how about you sit at the island and boss me around while I get us some food?”
Rhodes slowly nodded, and despite the sadness deep in his bones, he felt goosebumps in response to Will’s hand running down his back in an offer of soothing touch. The pair walked to the kitchen and Connor anticipated the panic when he let go of Will’s hand this time. He focused on his breathing, inhaling through his nose and out through his mouth; a method he often recommended to patients who were anxious. Now the shoe was on the other foot and to be honest; he wasn’t completely in love with it.
“Connor? Hey, Rhodes.”
Connor startled out of his breathing pattern to Will holding two packets of steak; one was a rib eye piece, and the other was… very out of date, by the looks of it.
“Hm?”
“I asked which one you were okay with me cooking.”
“Ribeye.”
“Good choice, man. Jay sent me this awesome recipe for a mushroom and black pepper sauce that goes real well with rib eye, just you wait. Hey; where are your vegetables?”
“Freezer.”
Will turned and dug through the freezer drawer, finding whatever he was looking for. He tossed the packets on to the countertop, rustling around more for a pan to use for cooking the meat. Part of Connor wanted to kick the bastard; Will couldn’t cook to save his life and he knew for certain that Jay wasn’t much better- that rib eye was expensive!
As Connor rested his head on the island bench, he heard Will trying to get his shit together. The keyword here; trying.
He had to admit; he admired Will for at least trying. Not many people were willing to try.
“Here… we… go!”
A plate was put down in front of Connor and he had to admit the smell was incredible. When he glanced at the meal he realised he had a beautifully cooked (read: not burned) steak in front of him, a little cup of the magic sauce Will had been talking about, and of course some vegetables- to Connor’s surprise they weren’t steamed, but the beans had been in the pan with some olive oil and garlic. The carrots had been lightly blanched but they still looked crisp, and- okay, maybe Will could cook a little. The peas looked good too and everyone knew Connor hated peas.
“What do you think?” Will asked, and Connor glanced up. One look at Will’s- his friend’s- face and he could tell that despite the focus on him, Will wanted some sort of verification that he was doing what Connor wanted. He managed a weak smile, nodding.
“It looks great, Will. Smells good too.”
Forever a modest guy, Will blushed and settled into the seat beside Connor. They began to eat in silence, a conversation between them lacking as they ate. Connor poured the sauce on to his steak and almost gaped in surprise; okay, he had to admit maybe Jay was a better cook than he thought too. Taking a bite he closed his eyes and sighed at the explosion of flavour.
He owed Will an internal apology. Maybe Jay too, if he managed to pick up his mood a little. No one likes a cranky Rhodes; Connor or otherwise.
“Hey, so I was thinkin’, maybe I should crash here tonight.”
Connor nodded at Will’s suggestion and Will raised an eyebrow.
“I was kidding, but now that I think about it I think your guest bed’s more comfortable than mine at home.”
“Will why does it hurt?”
The joking around ceased and Will frowned as he put down his napkin.
“Why does it hurt, he was stubborn and an asshole and-“
“-the one person you saw as a father figure,” Will cut Connor off. He was surprised when Connor pushed back from the table and stood. He went to go to his room when Will caught his arm again; just as he had in the break room. This time Connor span on his heel and let his head collide with Will’s shoulder. Will wrapped his arms around him, rocking him gently side to side. The sobs Connor had been holding in since they’d coded Downey- no, since he’d found out about Downey's cancer prognosis- racked his body and he buried his face into the soft hoodie Will wore (Will didn’t have the heart to tell him it was Jay’s). With each sharp intake of breath Connor find he struggled more for the next one until he was heaving breaths desperately for fresh air. Will’s steady body against his helped, but when Connor felt his knees weaken he let himself fall to the floor. Will was right there with him and he didn’t complain when Connor grabbed his hoodie, allowing himself to be surrounded by the familiar smell of his friend. The scent helped him to relax until he was just sobbing and no longer gasping for air. Will had a hand on the back of his neck, the other running over the expanse of Connor’s back. Soon the sobs began to subside, and Connor rested against Will. Will Halstead; the stubborn, egotistical, smartass doctor he never would have considered becoming friends with after their first meeting. When Connor felt he could talk he wrapped an arm around Will’s side, allowing him to get closer to his friend.
“Th-thanks-thanks.”
“Don’t thank me, man.”
Connor glanced up, grey eyes meeting hazel. Will sent him a gentle smile, patting his back.
“I’m here for you, Connor. I know it’s hard right now, with everything that’s going on at work and at home, but just know that I’m always around, even if you just want to drink beer and watch a game.”
Connor frowned at Will’s rambling; since when had he been so freckled? Did he always have that many freckles? And his eyes; were they always that colour?
“-uh… Connor? You with me?”
Connor shook his head to clear his daze, reaching to get off Will so they could stand. Will followed and they headed for the lounge room, leaving their half-eaten meal to go cold.
Neither was very hungry anymore anyway.
“Dr Downey believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.”
Will muted the movie that had been playing quietly anyway, turning to face Connor. Hugging a pillow to his chest, Connor did not look like the hard-headed, stubborn guy Will had met at the start of the year. He looked vulnerable, and broken, and… not like the Connor Will had come to know.
“I freaked out on this one surgery; I felt like I had to bail, I wasn’t going to be able to do a good job. Downey- Downey, he, well- he practically told me to suck it up and get on with it; people’s lives were in my hands and I couldn’t let a lack of confidence affect them. After the surgery, he admitted he was nervous about me too, but he- he thought I had potential.”
“You had a lot of potential, Connor. You still do.”
“Yeah, but; I don’t know if I’m going to be able to reach it without him.”
“Why? It’s you who controls your destiny; he had a hand in it, but at the end of the day Connor it’s all your doing.”
Connor frowned, putting his bottle of beer down. He stared at the ceiling for a moment and in the kitchen backlight, Will could see tears building again. Standing, he gently took the pillow from Connor’s grip and settled down beside him. A deep breath became stuttered, and Connor’s head ducked. Another deep breath; this time accompanied by tears. Will sat beside him, not touching until Connor glanced up to meet his gaze.
“I just- I just really need you right now.”
Will inhaled sharply, before extending an arm. Similar to earlier Connor buried himself into the soft hoodie, focusing on his breathing like he’d taught others so many times before.
“I’m here, Connor.”
They fell asleep together on the couch; a tangle of limbs and red hair. Will was the first to stir in the darkness at the realisation that his phone was vibrating on the coffee table and he reached for it. Skimming the where are you? text from Jay, Will replied that he was with Connor, to which Jay replied with a winky emoji.
Fucking detectives.
Connor groaned, one leg between Will’s and the other trapped against the couch. Will’s other leg was dangling on to the floor, and it didn’t take much for Connor to realise how he’d fallen asleep.
“Did we- was I drinking?”
“No, man, chill. You passed out and I didn’t have the heart to move you.”
Despite the urge to shoot from his position and never talk to Will again, Connor had to admit he was comfortable. Will made a good mattress.
“How are you feeling?” Will asked, and Connor shook his head.
“Need to sleep more. Talk later.”
“Fair enough.”
He tried to ignore the thought of Connor being on top of him for another… more sensual… reason. Thanks, Jay.
When Connor shuffled to get comfortable he pressed a kiss against Will’s shoulder, settling down to go back to sleep. Will ran a hand through his usually immaculate hair; from all the crying and the sleeping it was now a mess, so Will took the time to try and fix it. Connor huffed, grabbing Will’s hand and putting it on the small of his back.
“Get comfy,” he murmured. Only seconds later he was asleep and Will had one hand in Connor’s hair, the other where Connor had placed it. Internally crying out for mercy he closed his eyes, ready to get back to sleep. At least the couch was comfortable.