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Tanjiro Kamado stood before a grand mountain, flanked on both sides by his two companions: Zenitsu and Innosuke. Also Nezuko is there. In the box.
“This is it guys.” Said Tanjiro “In those mountains are demons.... oni?... demons.”
“Like I dunno Tanjiro man.” Said Zenitsu. “I don’t know if we can do this. I hear the demon there killed ten slayers.”
“BRING IT ON!!!!” Insouke screamed “ILL KILL TEN HUNDRED DEMONS! RRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!”
Tanjiro nodded.
“That’s the spirit!”
The trio stepped into the mountains and made their way further inside.
Nothing exciting happened between this and them reaching the demons so I’m just skipping to the demons.
They found the demon as he was eating a body. He was dressed in reds and had several mambo stalks on his back.
“Needs sauce- oh shit!”
The demon quickly spun around to face the slayers.
“It’s the demon!” Said Tanjiro.
“Oh so you just assume I’m the demon and not like.... a creepy old man!”
“....”
“I mean I am the demon but it’s rude to assume.”
Zenitsu raised an eyebrow.
“So what’s your gimmick? I see the bamboo.... are you like a bo sta-“
The demon then pulled out a gun and fired, shooting Zenitsu in the shoulder.
“Holy shit is that a gun!?” Tanjiro exclaimed.
“Yeah. What you think I’m gunna fight a bunch of swordsmen at close range!? HELL NO!”
Inosuke then let out a battle cry and charged forwards, pulling out his two swords.
“RRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“DEMON BLOOD ART! SECOND GUN”
The demon then drew a second gun from his robe and unloaded at Innosuke, who dodged every shot.
“IM TOO FAST FOR YOU DEMON BASTARD!!!!!! YOUR ATTACKS ARE RETARDED!!!!!”
Before Inosuke could close the distance, Tanjiro dashed up to Inosuke and grabbed his arm, stopping him.
“GONPACHIROU KAMELION!? WHY!?”
“Retarded is a derogatory word Inosuke. You shouldn’t use it, not even on a demon.”
“OH I NEVER REALIZED HOW OFFENSIVE IT WAS YAMJIROU FOKOMO! IM SORRY FOR BEING SO IGNORANT IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!”
“As long as you understand.” Said Tanjiro. “I know you never meant anything by it, you just didn’t know.”
The Demon then open fired on the pair, forcing them to take cover behind Nezuko’s box.
“He’s too strong!” Said Tanjiro.
“IF ONLY WE HAD SOME HELP!” Said Inosuke.
The demon cackled before suddenly his head flew off his body at lightning speed. Zenitsu had managed to behead the demon with his thunderclap and flash technique.
“Good thing I have narcolepsy.” Said Zenitsu.
The demon’s head rolled onto the ground.
“No... this can’t be... all I ever wanted was to play Minecraft.... but my parents bought me roblox.... that’s my tragic backstory...feel bad for me yet?”
“Not exactly.” Said Zenitsu.
“Damn it.”
And then the demon died.
“I-Is it over?” Tanjiro Asked as he peered over the box.
“oh no.” Replied a new voice.
Everyone froze in place, terrified by the chilling tone of a new arrival.
“It’s only just be-hee-hee-gun!”
Everyone turned to see that the demon lord himself had arrived, striking a malevolent pose.
“Guys be careful! It’s kino.... kibusu....kink...ITS MICHAEL JACKSON!” Tanjiro screamed.
Michael Jackson moonwalked towards the group, turning stylishly to face them, glaring with red eyes that faintly glew in the night.
“The demon slayer with the stupid ass earnings.... OHH! We meet again....shamon...”
“MICHAEL JACKSON!” Tanjiro shouted as he drew his sword. “You will pay for everything you’ve done! To Japan! To the humans! TO NEZUKO!!!!!!”
“Tcha tcha!” Michael Replied
“You monster! All the pain you have caused my sister ends here!”
Nezuko emerged from her box, covered in bullet holes and glared at her brother.
“Let’s go Inosuke!”
“ACTUALLY IZUKU MIDORIYA IM KINDA TIRED SO IM SITTING THIS ONE OUT. HAVE FUN KILLING THE DEMON LORD!”
And then Inosuke passed out.
“Then...um...ZENITSU GO!”
“THUNDERCLAP AND FLASH!”
Michael began dancing as Zenitsu attempted to strike him with his technique, but the dark lord’s slick moves made him difficult to hit.
“Zenitsu! Try something else!” Tanjiro shouted.
“I can’t!” The thunder breath user replied. “If breaths are a fighting game, then I’m gonna the guy that spams hadoukens!”
“DEMON BLOOD ART! INSTANT DEATH ATTACK!”
Michael then kicked Zenitsu in the groin with his full might, knocking him backwards towards Tanjiro and Nezuo.
“ZENITSU NO!”
“I’m sorry Tanjiro.... I’ve been hit by...a smooth criminal.”
“HEE HEE!” Michael exclaimed.
“This is it Tanjiro.... I’m dying...”
“Don’t say that... you have to live..l-you’re my best friend...”
“Tanjiro.... please watch over Nezuko... and the child growing inside her for me....”
“Of course Zenitsu- Wait the what!?”
Nezuko cocked her head to the side in confusion.
“She’s not pregnant...” Said Tanjiro
“....That didn’t work did it? Damn, I was trying to be all cool and tragic, that way when I recovered you would accept me as a brother in law...”
Tanjiro glared at his comrade
“Zenitsu.”
“Yeah.”
“Please just pass out now, before I break your legs.”
“Sure.”
And then he slipped into unconsciousness. Michael Jackson then adjusted his hat and grinned evilly at Tanjiro.
“You’re allies are done slayer, you will fall next... OHH!”
Tanjirou readied himself for combat, grasping his sword with two hands before pumping it like a shotgun. A small empty bullet cartridge flew out the side of the sword and hit the ground with a quiet ring.
“No... you’re going to fall.”
Tanjiro charged towards, slashing rapidly with water breath attacks. Michael managed to moonwalk past most of the swings at an incredible speed. He was moving so fast that he still had enough time between moonwalks to pose and let out more Michael Jackson sounds.
“HEE HEE! SHAMON! CHKA CHKA!”
Tanjirou let out a war cry as he swung again, his sword enveloped with overly-stylistic tidal waves.
“WATER BREATHING STYLE! WATERFALL SLASH OR WHATEVER I CALL IT!”
His slash missed Michael, but had enough force to shatter the boulder his blade came into contact with instead.
“He dodged it!”
Michael then twirled around, coming to a stop as he brandished a tommy gun.
“Are you okay Annie!? BECAUSE YOU WONT BE AFTER THIS!”
Michael open fired, forcing Tanjiro to swing his sword frantically to deflect all the bullets. As the magazine emptied, Michael dropped the gun and glared at Tanjirou, who stood seemingly unharmed.
“I blocked your bullets.... it’s over Mich-“
Before Tanjirou could continue, he erupted with blood and collapsed. The tommy gun had hit with every shot, because katanas can’t actually deflect bullets, that’s just something they do in movies.
“Well he’s dead.” Said Michael. “Now that the slayers are all dealt with, I think I’ll say the N word.”
Michel Jackson inhaled deeply.
“Nitrogen.”
and then Michael Jackson got pegged in the face by a brick.
“Who the hell threw that at me-hee!?”
Nezuko stood atop her box triumphantly holding a brick.
“Oh right the girl... well I can take her...”
“BUT CAN YOU TAKE US!?”
From the darkness several more individuals emerged, each armed with unique swords.
“It can’t be... the demon slayer pillars!”
The eight pillars stood around Michael.
“Your reign of killing people and making catchy songs is over Michael Jackson.” Said Captain Ginyu of the Freiza fo- I mea Water pillar.
Shinobu nodded in agreement as she drew her sword, which was not actually a sword but just a bee hive that she throws at people.
“For everyone I hold dear, you must perish.”
Obanai said nothing but drew his sword. His pet snake also drew a smaller, snake sized sword,
“You can’t stop all eight of us!” Said Kyojuro
“Because that’s how many pillars there are... totally not forgetting anyone.” Added Gyomei
Tengen pointed one of his blades at Michael.
“You will die and then I will go meet with my three wives! Did I mention I have three wives!?”
Sanemi was about to speak but when he opened his mouth, raw sewage instead poured out.
Mitsuri had spent the entire last few minutes drawing her long ass sword, which was now fully unsheathed and ready to go.
Michael growled and cracked his knuckles.
“Fine... I WILL JUST KILL YOU ALL!”
Michael Jackson then began to glow with demonic energy as Beat it began playing in the background.
The pillars and Nezuko all charged into combat, with the exception of Sanemi who slipped in his mouth sewage, fell, and snapped his neck, dying instantly. As this epic battle waged, Tanjirou laid bleeding out on the ground.
——
Tanjiro stood in a field of flowers.
“Huh? Where am I?”
“My son....”
Tanjirou turned around to find his father sitting on a lazy boy in this spiritual field of flowers.
“Father...”
“My son... you are dying.”
“That can’t be... I need to-“
Tanjiro’s father raised his arm up.
“Dying is not dead... but we don’t have much time... you see... you must defeat Michael Jackson.”
“But father, he’s too fast, too powerful... too cool.”
“That May be, but you have the means to stop him.”
Tanjiro’s father got up from the lazy boy and crossed his arms.
“You must use the breath of the sun to kill Michael... you know it.... locked away in your memory.... just reach for it.”
Tanjiro’s father then turned to look up at the sky.
“And tell the author to post the next chapter of the My Hero Academia Chatfic! It’s been like three months since the last update!”
With that Tanjiro’s father faded away and Tanjiro closed his eyes.
“Yes... I can see it... the breath of the sun... I KNOW HOW TO USE IT NOW!”
Tanjiro returned to reality, bullet wounds mended by...l dunno friendship or something. And got to his feet.
“I can defeat Michael and stop anyone else from dy- OH GOD!”
To Tanjiro’s horror most of the pillars were brutally murdered, blood everywhere. Shinobu’s corpse clutched tightly onto the bee hive that was her sword. Nearby the three surviving pillars: Ginyu, Mitsuri, and Obanai were locked in combat with Michael Jackson. Nezuko stood nearby, missing both her arms.
“Victory is mine pathetic slayers...”
“No you.” Said Ginyu.
“That doesn’t work.” Said Mitsuri. “But I like the effort.”
Obanai’s snake dropped its tiny sword and instead pulled out an M9 pistol and open fired on Michael Jackson, who moonwalk dashed away from each shot.
“..... Fuck it, let’s just kill this guy.”
Tanjiro drew his sword and charged at Michael Jackson, initiating the breath of the sun.
“Breath of the sun!”
Tanjiro swung at Michael using a breath of the sun slash, which looked exactly like a breath of water attack but with orange liquid effects instead of water.
Because it’s Sunny D.
The strike hit true and beheaded Michael, who screamed in agony.
“NOOOO!!!! THIS ISNT EVEN A GOOD BEVERAGE!!!! CURSE YOU TANJIRO YOU DUMB BITCH!”
And then Michael Jackson exploded. Tanjiro sheathed his sword and smiled. Zenitsu and Innosuke also woke up. Weird coincidence right?
“It’s over. We’ve ended demonism.” Said Tanjiro proudly
“But Nezuko is still a demon.” Said Zenitsu
“Baby steps.” Tanjiro Added.
“NOW THAT THE PILLARS ARE DEAD I HEREBY NAME MYSELF NEW PILLAR!” Innosuke shouted.
He gathered up the fallen pillar’s swords (yes that include the beehive) and fashioned them into a crown, placing it atop his head.
“I AM PILLAR.”
Ginyu rolled his eyes.
“Well it’s over anyways....“
“What now?” Tanjiro Asked.
“Well since we’re the only slayers left, we’re getting married.” Said Mitsuri as she grabbed Obanai’s arm.
“Yeah, we’re off to get married and partake in activities not suitable for a T-Rated story so... bye.”
And with that the pair ran off. Ginyu cleared his throat before speaking.
“Everyone I love is dead now.”
“But Ginyu, you still have us.” Said Tanjiro
“I know what I said.”
A single tear escaped from Tanjiro’s heartbroken eyes.
“Nezuko sounds.” Said Nezuko
Zenitsu looked up towards the sky, his eyes immediately widening.
“TRAIN!!!!!”
Tanjiro shook his head.
“There’s no need to train Zenitsu, the head demon is dead.”
“NO THERES A TRAIN-“
Before he could finish, a train fell from the sky, crushing the remaining characters. On the side of the train was written “Watch the Movie Next Year”.
And then the train exploded.
——-
Tanjiro awoke in a cold swear and frantically surveyed his surroundings, he was in the butterfly estate and Kanao Tsuyuri was sitting next to his bed.
“Tanjiro! You’re awake!”
“Kanao?... I had the strangest dream.... trains fell... most of the pillars died... and Muzan kept posing.”
“Sounds like a dreadful dream.” Said Kanao “but it’s over now.”
Tanjiro nodded.
“Yeah... I guess it is.”
Neither noticed as a nearby window opened and two red eyes peered in.
“As he came into the window....”