Work Text:
I sighed as I opened my eyes, groggily grabbing my phone off the nightstand and dismissing the alarm.
I really didn’t want to get up today. I have a bunch of editing and voice acting work to do.
I wiped furiously at my eyes, trying to wake myself up enough to crawl out of bed. I laid there for a while, just staring at the ceiling until my second alarm went off. Huffing a bit, I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed. I slam my glasses onto my face with one hand and grab my phone with the other.
After dismissing the alarm, I begrudgingly stand and shuffle over to my dresser; I pull out some undies and socks before heading over to my closet. There, I picked out one of my long-sleeve, cream-colored sweaters and a pair of skinny jeans. I quickly get into the shower, hoping to wake myself up a bit with the water, but to no avail. After about 10 minutes, I get out of there and start dressing. I pull on my pants and sweater before catching my reflection in the mirror.
“Aw fuck.” I whisper to myself, craning my neck a bit to the left to get a look at the offending scar. Apparently, I made one cut longer than they usually are, and now the scar on my collar bone was visible over the collar of my sweater.
Sighing a bit and chastising myself for my stupidity, I snatch my makeup bag out from the medicine cabinet. I quickly grab some concealer and dab some on the scar, rubbing it in a bit and hissing at the way the tug on my skin made the new scar sting.
Since I had the bag out already, I decided to try and put on some light make up today- a rare occurrence- and after that was done, I curled my hair a bit.
Finally ‘ready’ for the day, I grabbed an apple from my fruit bowl and left my small apartment. The walk to work wasn’t too long- only about 10 minutes- and I didn’t really mind it; it gave me time to think.
~ ~ ~
Arriving at work, I quickly make my way to the kitchen, greeting people with simple ‘hi’s as I pass them by; I’m desperate for a cup of coffee.
I’m pleased to find that someone has already brewed a pot, so grabbing a mug, I quickly pour myself some before heading off towards the sound booth; I was scheduled to do a couple of lines for my minor character in RWBY this morning.
The lines went over smoothly and soon I was making my way towards the Achievement Hunter office.
I had to pick up some videos to edit in my little supply-closet-turned-office.
“Hey guys,” I greeted, pushing the door open. I quickly noticed, however, the saddened mood in the room. “What’s going on?”
Geoff was the first to look up at me, an almost distraught look in his eyes. “Oh hey [Y/n]… Most of the fucking office is gone and we need to film Let’s Play today.”
I quickly took note that only Ray, Geoff, and Ryan were in the room at the moment.
“Gavin, Jack, Caleb, Kdin, AND Kerry all called in sick today, and Michael and Lindsay are out on vacation.” He said somberly, wiping his hand down his face.
“God… that sucks. Sorry guys.” I reply, not really knowing how to respond. “Do you want me to go through some of the older videos to try and edit together a useable Let’s Play?”
It was like Geoff had a moment of clarity; his face and posture lifted suddenly and he started to smile a bit.
“Actually… I have a better idea!” He yells, turning to the other guys and whispering something to them.
That’s when I finally turned my attention to the rest of the room.
I glanced at Ryan and he looked about as equally stressed out as Geoff was.
Ray, however, was a different story.
He was always so fucking cheerful.
That, along with many other things, is what I loved about him.
I had a pretty big crush on him if I had to admit, but I think I’ve kept it under pretty tight wraps so far; we don’t interact a lot at work. He comes over to my house every so often to hang out and play some video games, but that’s about it.
Geoff snaps his fingers in front of my face, making me jump a little and blush once I realized I had been staring at Ray a little creepily. “Earth to [Y/N].”
“Yeah, sorry Geoff. What were you saying?” I replied, shaking my head a bit and turning my full attention towards him.
“They both agree with me on this… so [Y/N]… How would you like to be in a Let’s Play?” He asks excitedly.
My mouth gapes open slightly in shock.
I’m a bit dumbfounded. I didn’t really consider myself particularly skilled in games and I honestly wasn’t too funny.
I glance over to Ray, who returned my look with a thumbs up and a smile.
Now how the fuck could I say no?
“Uh… S- Sure I guess! Just warning you though I’ll probably not be the most talkative.” I say a bit shakily.
Geoff smiles widely before he gestures me over towards Michael’s desk. “That’s absolutely fine! I just think recording a new one will be easier than having to hunt through the other footage we have. We just really wanted more than three people in this video.”
I nod and take a seat in Michael’s chair, scooting over to where everyone was gathering around Ryan’s desk. Apparently Ryan was going to be playing Project Spark, a single-player game, so thankfully I wouldn’t have to display my mediocre gaming skills; we were all just going to be providing outside commentary.
“You ready?” Geoff asked, turning and raising an eyebrow at me. “Don’t worry, you’re going to be great!”
All I do to respond is swallow the lump in my throat and nod.
Geoff clicks a few buttons quickly and nudges Ryan a bit when he’s done.
“Hello everyone and welcome to Project Spark!” Ryan says clearly into his microphone.
“Wooo!” Ray and Geoff cheer unenthusiastically and I can’t help but snort a bit.
“Oh! And today we have with us a special guest, [Y/N]!” Ryan says, smiling at me and proceeding through the menus in the game.
“Hello everyone!” I yell, trying to sound as cheerful as I possibly can.
“Ok, so today, we’re going to be going through some custom maps…” Geoff says, looking through the long list Ryan was currently scrolling through on screen. “How about that one?” He asks, pointing at a level, “Fumbling in the Dark?”
“Sure!” Ryan exclaims, pressing the A button and loading up the map.
I can’t help myself when I say, “More like ‘Fumbling in the Spark,’ am I right?”
All I get is a snort from Ray and a death glare from Geoff.
This is going to be fun.
~ ~ ~
With the recording finally over, I stretch my arms above my head and groan a bit at the popping bones.
Overall, I think that went pretty well. About halfway through that, I kind of forgot that we were even recording and just reacted how I usually would if I were playing games with friends; hopefully I didn’t say anything too weird.
“Nice job [Y/N], that actually went really well!” Geoff congratulates me, clapping me on the back.
“Yeah, good job!” Ray said, scooting his chair back into its original position and flashing me a smile.
“Thanks guys!” I reply. “Now… anything you’d like me to edit?”
~ ~ ~
I had finally finished editing the Let’s Play that we had just done and published it. Usually, they had a back log of Let’s Plays to post, but apparently the one they had scheduled for today had gone fuck-knows-where, so they decided to just use the one we did instead; they gave it to me right after we were done recording and it was pretty easy to edit since it was just one screen.
It was kind of weird editing a video that I was in, but I didn’t hear anything particularly weird with anything I had said. I was pretty nervous after we had filmed it about how the audience would react to a new voice, so hopefully it won’t be too bad.
Even with that slightly calming thought, I still sat there, refreshing the video every couple of minutes waiting for the comments that weren’t just about how everyone thought they were the first viewer or fifth liker.
The first comment I saw wasn’t very comforting.
Who’s this new chick? She sounds retarded.
Sighing a bit, I close my eyes and rub my forehead. Looking at the comments isn’t going to help anything. With that in mind, I shut the laptop and grabbed my purse, deciding to take my lunch finally.
I had brought it today, so I went to the kitchen and snatched it out of the fridge, sitting down at one of the many picnic tables we have set up inside.
I’m not really hungry, but I sit there anyway, nibbling at my sandwich and mulling over my thoughts.
I’m snapped back to reality when I hear someone clear their throat behind me.
“Hey. Um… Mind if I sit here?” A familiar voice asks.
I turn to face none other than Ray, my face immediately sporting a bit of blush at how stupid I must have looked staring off into space, and I nod. “Not at all.”
He sighs as he takes a seat, tearing open his own bag and grabbing his sandwich. Before taking his first bite however, he says, “You did really well in that Let’s Play!”
I smile a bit at his compliment and reply, “You weren’t so bad yourself hot shot.”
He laughs a bit and continues, “Hopefully you could be on more in the future!”
My stomach clenches at the thought of doing that again, and I’ve suddenly lost my already small appetite. While I did enjoy it at the time, I kind of regretted doing it now; the disadvantages of throwing myself into an already established community greatly out-weighed the rewards.
Despite all of that, I still say, “Yeah… that’d be cool.”
We sit there in a bit of silence for a while, me taking a few more bites of my sandwich before just deciding it wasn’t worth it and packing it back up in the bag.
As I make to leave however, Ray surprises me by shakily asking, “Hey [Y/N]… Are you doing anything tonight?”
Why does he seem so nervous?...
My eyes go a bit wide, but I still reply calmly, “Not really… Why?”
“Um… I was just wondering if maybe you’d want to hang out or something?”
Oh… Hang out. Of course.
Just friends.
“Uh... Sure, yeah!” I say, trying not to let my disappointment shine through, “My house, 7:00? I’ll order some pizza and we can just sit around.”
His already blooming smile widens at my comment and he responds happily, “That sounds great!”
“See you then!” I shout over my shoulder, waving a bit towards him.
I walk over to my desk with this weird feeling I couldn’t really shake.
As soon as I arrive, I open up my laptop to start editing again to try and clear my mind; however, I forgot what page I had been open to.
This new girl sucks!
Why did they invite her on? She doesn’t deserve to be there
[Y/N]’s jokes aren’t even funny. She should definitely be fired.
And this is why I didn’t want to do it.
Comments just like those made up about 40% of the total, and I couldn’t help but read a couple of them.
I didn’t really notice when tears started to brim at the edges of my eyes or when I finally shut off my laptop, but apparently I also wrote a note saying that I ‘didn’t feel well and decided to head home early.’
I remember finally regaining my senses as the door to my apartment slammed behind me.
I just left work early all due to some stupid comments on a video.
So weak.
I ran to the bathroom, hyperventilating a bit, and tore open the medicine cabinet, fumbling through the contents before grabbing one of the many razor blades I hid towards the back.
You’re just an attention whore aren’t you? That’s the only reason why you do it.
I roll up my left sleeve quickly, carelessly pressing the blade to my skin and dragging it across my arm the length of my wrist.
Why don’t you just get over it? I can’t believe you’re still sad.
Why can’t you just be like your sister?
You’re useless.
I sit on the edge of my bathtub and tear away my sweater. I aim my next slice for my collar bone.
I don’t understand how you think that’s a real job.
You’ve always been the runt of the family.
You should just kill yourself.
Useless…
I gasp as one of my cuts go surprisingly deep. I throw the blade to the floor and clench my collar bone, tears starting to spew freely from my eyes.
I slide off of the bathtub’s lip onto the floor and wrap my free arm around my legs, folding up into a ball.
~ ~ ~
It takes a while, but finally after the voices in my head turned it down a notch, I stand up on wobbly legs. I shuffle over to the medicine cabinet and grab for the gauze. I tentatively wrap up my arm and shoulder to my best ability; hopefully by tomorrow the bleeding will stop so I won’t be seen with them. I pull my sweater back on carefully and look at myself in the mirror.
So ugly.
I sigh as I slide back down to the floor and put my head in my hands. I can’t help but think back to the video’s comments.
Who’s the new chick? She sounds re-
I jump a bit as someone knocks loudly on my front door.
“[Y/N]?” Oh god it’s Ray. “Are you doing all right? Geoff told me you took off from work early.”
I scramble up to my feet quickly and run to my closet, quickly pulling out a jacket. I put it on and zip it all the way up to cover my bandages.
“[Y/N]?”
I run back into the bathroom and wash the blood off my hands, and after checking to make sure I didn’t look too suspicious, I shut the door to the bathroom.
I have to make sure he doesn’t go in there. There’s still blood on the floor.
Slumping over a bit to make it seem like I just had a sore stomach or something, I quickly pull the door open.
“Hey Ray.” I greet, stepping out of his way so he could enter.
He steps a bit inside my apartment and I shut the door behind him. “Sorry I came over so early. I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay. Did you just have a sick stomach?”
I nod weakly and lead him over to the couch. “Yeah, it’s ok though now.”
“We still on for our video game session?” He asks, sitting down on the couch and getting comfortable.
“Of course! Let me just grab some stuff from the fridge.” I reply, heading over to the kitchen.
As soon as I’m out of eyesight, I slump back to the ground and put my head in my hands.
Why did I say he could stay? There’s no way I can keep this act up that long…
God I’m so stupid.
I take a deep breath and slowly stand back up. I open the fridge and grab two water bottles before heading back over towards Ray.
“Here you go.” I say, handing him a water and taking a seat next to him on the couch.
“Thanks. I took the liberty of setting up an online Halo game; I hope that’s ok?...” He gestures towards the TV.
“Yup!” I reply, grabbing my controller and settling in for a game.
We play a couple of games, our team winning every time, until one time, while we were waiting for a new game to start, Ray bumps my shoulder as he is adjusting to get more comfortable on the couch.
I try to subdue the flinch that happens as a result- he hit one of my fresh cuts- but he notices anyway.
“Hey, is your shoulder ok?” He asks quickly, concern in his eyes as he looks from my eyes to my shoulder warily.
“Oh that?... It’s fine. I just pulled it the other day when I was getting something off of the shelf at the grocery store. It’s still kind of sore though…” I reply, actually surprising myself with my quick thinking.
When did lying start to become so easy?
“Oh… ok.” Ray says, turning his attention back to the game, thinking nothing of it.
I let out an internal sigh of relief.
A few more games, and we’re waiting for a new game to start when he speaks up again.
“Hey, can I use the bathroom?”
My small apartment only has one bathroom- the one attached to the master bedroom- and it’s still dirty from earlier.
“Uh… Yeah! I was actually just about to go: I’ve been holding it in since last game. Could I possibly go first?” I say, stretching a bit.
“Yeah, sure thing!”
I have to physically hold myself back from running towards the bathroom.
As soon as I get there, I grab some towels out from under the cupboards and mop up the blood that littered the floor. I also rinse the razor blade I used, but before I put it back, I just stare at it for a bit.
Another few can’t hurt, right?
With my mind already made, I quickly roll up my right sleeve and make a few more slices, savoring in the release that comes with it.
“[Y/N]? I don’t mean to rush you but I think I may explode soon…”
Oh god.
I quickly rewash the razor and toss it back in the medicine cabinet, and after gathering up the messy towels and taking a deep breath, open the door.
Ray can’t see into the bedroom, so I’m able to quickly store the towels in my closet without being detected.
“Ok, you can go!” I chirp as I head into the living room, flashing him a smile before sitting back down on the couch.
“Ok!” He says, standing up and brushing his hand through my hair quickly as he passes by.
Wait… What was that?
Probably thinking too much into it.
I breathe a sigh of relief as he gets out of eyesight. A few stray tears start to leak from my eyes without my permission, so I quickly wipe them away and fan my face a bit.
It’s about 7:00 now, so I only need to occupy him for about 3 more hours… I can do that, right?
He comes wandering back in a couple minutes later and plops back down on the couch, ready to play a couple more games.
As I reach over to the coffee table to grab my controller, I’m horrified to see a drop of blood plop out from under my right sleeve onto the floor.
Oh fuck. I forgot to bandage these new ones…
My eyes go wide and put my foot over the stain on the carpet; luckily he hadn’t seen it. I press the sleeve of my sweater into my wrist to try and soak up the rest of the blood- luckily I still had the jacket on over top so it wouldn’t show through- and close my eyes and bite my tongue as I do so to stop from making any noise.
I sigh a bit as the game starts and he’s none the wiser.
I’m getting too good at this.
The game finishes quickly and before we start searching for a new one, he asks, “You want to get some pizza?”
“Sure,” I say, reaching for my phone. I dial Pizza Hut’s number quickly and pull the phone up to my ear.
As I order the cheese pizza, I glance over at Ray and catch him staring at me. Even after I start to glare back, his stare doesn’t let up. He isn’t even looking at my face…
I hang up, and immediately ask, “Uh… What are you looking at?”
“Your wrist is bleeding…”
Oh god. He could see up my sleeve.
“Oh… Uh. That’s nothing… I’m fine. Don’t worry…” I say, standing up quickly and fumbling around with said wrist. I start to walk towards the bathroom, but am stopped by a hand on my shoulder.
“[Y/N]… How did you get that cut?...” He asks carefully, spinning me around to face him and holding onto my arms firmly.
I can’t help the tears that start to fall.
“I… I just- I must’ve nicked it on something…” I lie, trying to turn back around; his grip is too strong.
“[Y/N]. Just tell me.” He looks into my eyes with so much concern I can’t stop the truth. It just pours out of me.
“I… I did it.” I hang my head, not able to look at him.
And there goes another friend…
He quickly rolls down my sleeve and gasps slightly at the sight. “God [Y/N]…” He mumbles, “Why did you do this?”
“I- I can’t help it, ok?” A sudden strength comes over me as I jerk out of his grip. I don’t want to hear what he has to say. I know it’ll just be disappointment. “Please just leave. I know that’s what you want anyway…”
He looks shocked, and before I can really react, he’s wrapped his arms around me. “I won’t [Y/N]. God how could I not have known?...”
I just stand there in shock. No one has reacted this way to my secret before… I don’t really know what to do.
Before I can stop myself though, I’m returning the hug and starting to sob openly into his chest.
“And I bet the comments on the video didn’t help either…” He whispers, understanding flooding his voice. He slowly moves us over to the couch and as soon as we’ve sat down, he cups my face with his hands. With tears in his eyes, he whispers, “I know what you’re going through [Y/N].”
I shake my head immediately and make to stand up, but he holds me down.
Too many people have told me that… They have no idea.
“No [Y/N]… I’m serious.” He says as he rolls up his left sleeve.
I suck in a gasp when I spot the scars that adorn his arm.
Ray?
This beam of sunshine cuts too?
“I don’t do it anymore, but when I was still living in New York, I did every once in a while…” He trails off, rolling his sleeve back up. “When Michael found out, he helped me stop… I’ll try to do the same for you.”
I’m utterly speechless.
This can’t be happening.
“[Y/N]. You need to want my help though. I can’t do anything if you don’t want to change.” Ray whispers as he strokes my cheek lightly. “I need you to trust me.”
How could I change? I’ve been doing this for so long…
“You may not think you can do it, but you can [Y/N]… If I can do it, you can too.” He says, almost as if he’s reading my mind.
What have I got to lose?
I slowly nod my head and sniffle, “I trust you.”
“Ok [Y/N]… You need to show me where you keep the razors…” He says, standing up and dragging me up with him. I had to lean almost all of my weight on him; the crying is taking so much out of me.
I slowly start to walk towards the bathroom. Once we arrive I just stand there for a minute.
Am I really going to show him? There’s no turning back if I do…
“Come on [Y/N]… You know you have to. This is the first step; you just have to trust me that things will get better.”
With his encouragements in mind, I shakily reach my hand out towards the medicine cabinet and open it. I push everything aside and grab the 3 razors in the back. After another moment of hesitation, I drop them into Ray’s open palm.
“Thank you [Y/N]…” He whispers. He lifts the toilet seat and chucks the razors in, and without any thought, he flushes it.
I let out a little squeak and dig my nails into my palms as I watch them swirl into oblivion.
No more cutting.
No more release.
Ray scoops me up into a bear hug and pushes his forehead to mine. The notion goes straight over my head. “It needed to be done [Y/N]… You are an amazing person who shouldn’t be doing that to yourself. No matter what anyone thinks or says, don’t let it get to you. I will always be there for you ok? Whenever it gets to be too much just call me and I’ll be there.” Ray whispers as he cups my cheek and wipes away a stray tear with his thumb.
He quickly presses his lips to mine and I just melt into the connection.
Ray is kissing me.
He does like me back…
I kiss back lightly for a bit until he pulls away.
“Always.”