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No Mercy is finally over.
They did it, the fought to show what they are capable of and they made it.
They were all so damn relieved to be here, to have secured a spot in the group.
All but one.
Changkyun could feel that the real hell would begin now.
He knew that in comparison to what would happen from now on, No Mercy was a walk in the park.
"Yah! Why are you spacing out now?! You are in the middle of the hallway! At least get out of the way so that the rest of us can actually be productive!", he heard Hoseok's voice from behind him.
"Ah, sorry...", Changkyun mumbled, scrambling to get out of the way, managing to collide with Minhyuk in the process who tsked in annoyance and shoved him away, not caring in the slightest that he pushed the youngest hard enough for him to hit the opposite wall.
Meanwhile Changkyun suddenly heard laughter, he saw dark figures, shadows, with red eyes looming over him and laughing down at him.
He shook his head, reminding himself that it wasn't real, only that it was.
After the youngest member of MONSTA X felt his heart had calmed down considerably, he slowly made his way to the kitchen to get a bottle of water, keeping his head down to avoid making eye contact with any of the members.
He could see their angry glares in his head, hear their whispers.
They talked about him having cheated, about how he stole Gunhee's spot and that he was a bad rapper and an even worse dancer.
They said he wasn't ready to debut, they didn't know that he was actually supposed to debut before that. If two companies deem him ready to debut, then that must mean something, right?
He also never told them that there were several trainees that went through the same missions that the original line up did to determine which one of them will be the one to enter the show.
Not that they would believe him anyways.
It was another thing that he is the maknae.
He has no say in anything, he is the last one in the hierarchy, at the bottom of the "food chain", helpless prey to the predators. The others seemed to take that rather serious, making sure to remind him of his place at their feet as often as they deemed it necessary.
Changkyun had taken to just either spending all of his free time in the dorm in his shared room or outside the room to try and escape the toxic atmosphere.
Just as he thought he had escaped one toxic environment, he had been taken to the next and now this.
Slipping into old habits, that's what he was doing.
He wasn't hurting himself in the original sense, but he was punishing himself.
For what? Not being what his members want? Not meeting their expectations? Coming in late because of the decision of some producers? His contract having been bought by Starship? Not debuting with Nubility? For deciding that he wanted to be an idol? A recognized rapper? For existing?
Not even Changkyun himself knows why he is doing this anymore.
Be it lying awake at night, keeping himself from falling asleep because he shouldn't be lazy, skipping meals because the others worked harder than him and therefore need the nutrients more than him and he is not hungry anyways. Or if it's ˋforgetting´ his jacket when it's freezing outside, hell he sometimes looks at his phone just to not have to watch where he was going and maybe run into a wall or door or something.
Changkyun knew that it isn't healthy, that he is actually very self destructive, but as of lately he couldn't bring himself to care.
Before, he had his Hyungs, or his parents, even some friends that were there for him, always and no matter what.
He had people who would make sure that he took care of himself and who would take care of him when he slipped deep enough to not be able to do it himself.
But now, in such a critical time, he had no one.
He couldn't tell his parents who had moved and were halfway across the globe, his Nubility members were still trying to get their lives in order and he long since stopped trying to keep in contact with his old friends. By now they only saw him for his fame.
His managers? Hell no, he might lose his job.
The Hyungs hated him and might use his weakness as an advantage.
He would just have to push through it.
Not that he hadn't done it before.
He would only have to hold on long enough until they would be famous enough for him to be able to go solo.
In practice, they all tried their best. Their best to point out his flaws, that is.
"You're off beat" this, "You missed a step" that, "Watch out where you are going" here, "Do you not pay attention?!" there.
He was being put down at any given chance.
How was Changkyun supposed to get better if they were constantly attacking him, ganging up on him like that.
With every comment, every glare, every shove Changkyun got closer to the edge.
They would also forget to call him to meals, and he was always the last to know about their schedules. And if afterwards, when they would all shower -he showered last, of course- all the warm water was gone... well it was good that over the past years he had gotten used to showering with ice water. It's not like he deserved warm water in the first place.
"Your voice sounds horrible. Just listening to you speak gives me a headache."
"You call that rap? Even Hyungwon could do better than you!"
"Where are you going? It's your turn to take out the trash. And clean the bathrooms after you are done. Oh, and we also need groceries. I wrote a list, let's hope you are smart enough to read what it says and actually get everything on the list."
"What's with your face? How do you want to be an idol with that face? You don't even smile and if you do it looks weird."
"It was supposed to be Gunhee. You took his spot. You are just a cheater. Why don't you go and cheat your way into another group?"
"You are bad for the group. It always gives a bad image to have a cheater in the group. You presence also causes high tension in the dorm. Maybe it would have been better if you hadn't been chosen to debut with us, kid."
But it wasn't only his own group that seemed to want to make his life a living hell.
Trainees were trying to break his spirit by verbally and sometimes physically harassing him.
They tortured him emotionally and mentally.
To be honest, Changkyun had thought about quitting more than once.
But he felt that now that he had come this far, it wouldn't be right to just give up.
He had come this far, this was his second chance to debut, he had made it through that goddamn survival show and he was still able to not give in to all of the abuse.
Of course, after all he was used to it. This wasn't the first time someone tries to break him down and it certainly won't be the last.
No matter what they all came up with to push him down, Changkyun was stronger than them.
He had to fight alone.
But he wasn't only Changkyun. He's also I.M, second rapper and maknae of MONSTA X.
He would not let that be taken from him. Because I.M is a part of him, a part of his identity, something he worked very hard to achieve.
As long as he was still standing, still breathing, no one would be able to take that from him.
At fan meets and other events that involved cameras, the Hyungs would treat him like he is the precious maknae, doting on him and spoiling him, including him in their games.
But as soon as those cameras stopped recording and the mics were turned off, they ignored him again, treated him coldly yet again.
Changkyun was working harder than anyone else. Even if his brain said otherwise and he punished himself for not working enough, deep down he knew that he was working the hardest.
So it was no surprise to the rational part of his brain when he overworked himself, when all he could feel was the exhaustion, sleep deprivation, hunger and the ache that had seemed to settle in his bones.
He was at dance practice with the other guys when he just couldn't move anymore.
He froze mid movement.
He heard the music being shut off and he could feel the glares of his members directed at him.
"Im Changkyun! What the hell do you think you are doing?!"
Suddenly something warm dripped from his nose. Changkyun reached up with a badly trembling hand, to see it coming back red.
"Huh...?", Changkyun couldn't talk.
His tongue was too heavy, and was the world always spinning so fast? Ah, no, he was just dizzy...
Changkyun dropped to his knees, barely being able to hold himself up with his trembling arms.
"Changkyun?!", that was definitely Kihyun's voice.
"Call the manager!", Hoseok.
"On it", Hyunwoo. Of course he would call the manager, he is the leader.
But why were they all so panicked?
"Hang in there Changkyun!", Changkyun snorted. It almost sounded as if Jooheon was truly worried.
Something climbed up his throat and made it's way up and up and up, until it landed on the floor.
"I DON'T CARE WHAT MANAGER-NIM SAID, CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE!!! HE IS PUKING FUCKING BLOOD!!!!", is he now? That would explain the metallic taste on his tongue.
Changkyun felt his arms giving out, but before he could drop to the floor, someone caught him and carried him over to the couch, making him sit down there whilst still making sure that he was comfortable.
After that, nothing.
Just an all encompassing darkness surrounding him, cradling him in its dark embrace and keeping the pain away.
When Changkyun opened his eyes again he was in a hospital.
He noticed his members and manager either standing or sitting in his room whilst looking at a doctor.
"......-underweight. He also has bruises all over his body, some bones are cracked slightly. We suspect that he is also suffering from both dehydrated and malnutrition. Luckily the internal bleeding could be stopped in time and there should be no complications. According to our neurologist, Mr. Im also hasn't been sleeping enough. Now, we know that your schedules are crazy, but even then he should have been able to sleep more. We are very worried about Mr. Im. We are relieved to have not found any marks of recent self-harm on him but if he is letting his exhaustion go this far, only god knows what kind of pressure he is under. I highly suggest that you try to relieve some of the strain that is put on him and make sure to support him. Maybe even professional therapy", the doctor concluded.
Changkyun couldn't stop the whimper that escaped him.
Now they were going to think he was weak, they would make him leave the group, maybe even the company, they would-
"Changkyun! Thank god! You are awake. We were so worried!", Jooheon and Kihyun threw themselves at him to wrap him up in a hug, holding onto him tightly.
"Please don't get me wrong, but all of this seems to be a bit surreal...", whispered Changkyun.
"We want to apologize. Sincerely. We are truly sorry for how we treated you", said Minhyuk.
"We also understand that our behaviour can't just be excused and certainly not forgiven over night. But we promise that we will make it up to you. If there is anything we can do to make it up to you, just tell us. We will do everything", continued Hyungwon.
"And we promise to take proper care of you and protect you. Because whilst we didn't treat you right, we never laid a hand on you. So those bruises aren't from us. Please tell us who hurt you, and we will protect you and make sure that they get their punishment", finished Hoseok.
"Wrong....", croaked Changkyun, clearing his throat afterwards with some soothing water.
"What?", asked Hoseok.
"You said none of you ever laid a hand on me....That's wrong....", said Changkyun.
Changkyun could see their hearts drop and he saw the exact moment Minhyuk realized that he was talking about him.
"I pushed you... You hit the wall...Oh my god, I actually hurt you!", Minhyuk exclaimed, putting his head in his hands and crying, "I'm so sorry! That such an asshole move from me, I-"
Changkyun decided to stop him.
"Minhyuk Hyung...I'm not going to say it's okay because it's not. You didn't only hurt me physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. But those last two, all of you are guilty of that. But I think I will be able to forgive you, all of you, eventually. Just not now. You all will have to prove that you mean it, that you truly regret your actions, but I am confident that, if you truly feel sorry, that won't be a problem for you. I hope that we can become friends soon", Changkyun said with a soft smile.
Call them emotional, call them weak but they all broke into tears after that, both from the implication that they didn't screw up for eternity and the fact that this was actually the first time they got to see their maknae smile. Smile at them, a true smile, directed at them.
They, all seven of them, knew that the way to recovery was long.
After Changkyun was discharged from the hospital, he was taken back to the dorm where his Hyungs held a ˋwelcome back´ party for him, Kihyun even baked a cake just for Changkyun.
They did a whole 180 shift after the incident, they became sweet and caring Hyungs that everyone else envied him for.
They made sure that he ate enough.
"Changkyun, that can't be everything you're eating?!"
"Yah, maknae! We got chocolate for you!"
"Let's go out and I'll treat you to some food, yeah? I know you've been eying the Bibimbab at that place."
They made sure that he drank enough.
"Woah, that dance was intense. C'mon Kyunnie, drink some more water."
"Do you want to drink some more water? Actually, yes you do. I'm gonna get some more."
"This water actually tastes like cherries! You have to try this!" - "This doesn't taste like cherries at all Hyung! These are strawberries!"
Taking breaks whenever he needed to.
"How do you even have any breath left after that rap? Why don't you take a short break? For Hyung so I don't have to worry about you."
"Where do you think you are going? You have a perfectly fine bed to sleep in on our day off."
"Let's take a five minute break" - "Hyung, we don't need to, I'm fine!" - "You almost collapsed, that's not fine!" - "I can keep going!" - "Maybe you can, but I can't. Ahh, I'm too old..."
And the best thing - in Changkyun's opinion - that he got to enjoy now: Hyung cuddles!
Changkyun woke up early, so he went to get ready and have an early start at the company.
But when he looked into the other rooms to see if anyone else was awake, he accidentally woke up Hoseok.
So before Changkyun could go anywhere, he suddenly had his Hyung draped over his back, Hoseok's arms locked around his waist.
"Ah, did I wake you up? I'm sorry. You can go back to sleep, Hyung"
"Alright...", mumbled a sleepy Hoseok.
He then proceeded to carrying Changkyun with him and using him as his personal plushie, hugging him close to his chest.
--
"Kyunniiiiieeee."
"......"
"Kyuuuuuuuunnnniiiieeeeee."
"......"
"C'mon, don't ignore meeeeee."
"Stop whining, Hyung!"
"Then pay attentioooooonnnn to meeeeeeee."
"Jooheon Hyung, we are supposed to work on this song", reminded Changkyun.
"But we are almost finished anyways! I demand my maknae cuddles!", whined Jooheon.
Changkyun stood up to pop his bones back into place, walking over to the couch where his Hyung sat.
"Alright Hyung, but only five minutes."
Jooheon squealed in delight, pulling Changkyun onto his lap.
Changkyun rested his head on Jooheon's shoulder, enjoying the attention and the contact.
And if he fell asleep in his beloved Hyung's arms and had to be carried back by Hyunwoo who came by to pick them up, well nobody has to know that.
--
Even Hyungwon absolutely loved to cuddle the maknae.
Something about "It's as if he's made for being cuddled, just look at him! He's so soft and small!", whatever.
Truth to be told, Changkyun liked cuddling with all of them.
He cuddled with Hyungwon when he couldn't sleep, the sleepy tall model always being able to soothe him to sleep.
He went to Minhyuk when he couldn't stand the quiet and needed someone to fill it for him with talking.
Hyunwoo was perfect for when he needed quiet and cuddles.
When he needed reassurance, he went to cuddle with Kihyun.
His youngest Hyung was his go-to cuddle when he was feeling playful.
And Hoseok, well when he wanted to feel small and protected he went to Hoseok.
He also went to Hoseok the few times his bullies had tried to get to him again, hitting him or just calling him names.
His bullies had tried to get to him a few more times.
At first Changkyun wanted to deal with it alone, but when it got to be too much one time, he curled up in Hoseok's arms on the couch in the living room during movie night.
He felt so safe and protected there, in Hoseok's arms, surrounded by his other Hyungs, the air filled with the smell of their dinner and the sound of light conversation and laughter, that he just couldn't help but to break out in tears, crying and wailing his heart and lungs out.
His Hyungs immediately tried to comfort him, wanting to know what happened.
"H- hurts...", Changkyun managed to get out between sobs.
Minhyuk carefully lifted his shirt up and gasped at the bruises that were blooming on his soft skin.
After they had all seen it, Changkyun pulled his shirt down again as fast as he could and buried himself into Hoseok's chest.
"Who did this?!", asked Hyungwon with murderous intent clear in his voice.
"T-trainees..."
"Your bullies?", asked Kihyun softly, gently playing with their maknae's hair to calm him down.
Changkyun nodded, getting sleepy after crying.
"We'll talk to the managers and CEO-nim tomorrow, let's finish the movie for now and go to sleep afterwards, sound good?", asked Hyunwoo.
Changkyun nodded.
"Hyung... Hoseok Hyung.... can I sleep with you tonight?", asked Changkyun hesitantly.
They all knew about Changkyun's preferences at times, and no one of them would ever deny Changkyun his comfort.
"Of course. How many times do we have to tell you that you don't have to ask, hm?", answered Hoseok, kissing the top of Changkyun's head.
Changkyun smiled at the small display of affection.
So, all in all, it was looking up for the youngest.
He now had his Hyungs affection and their fanbase also grew steadily.
They were becoming more popular and other groups admired them, their music and their close relationship.
Changkyun was able to smile and laugh more often and he was, to the absolute delight of his Hyungs, putting on some weight again.
He was becoming his carefree self again, more often than not acting like the youngest he is.
He has his family now, his family who is ready to coddle and spoil him, to protect him and to be there for him.
They had become a true family and they couldn't be happier.