Work Text:
Funko ✓ @OriginalFunko Coming Soon: Pop! Directors - William Denbrough! @BillDenbrough @AtticRoomMovie @warnerbros #AtticRoomMovie
*
“It’s a fucking Walgreens exclusive,” Richie says, probably too loudly considering the elderly woman in the same aisle as him looks up in disappoval. Gesturing to his AirPods in the universal signal of ‘ don’t judge me I’m on the phone ’ does nothing to stop her glare.
Then again, old women often look at Richie with disapproval so this isn’t as shocking.
This is New York after all.
Eddie hums across the line.
He’s at work and doing something important probably, Richie can vaguely hear the sound of keys being tapped on a bit too forcefully in the background. So either work or searching eBay.
Eddie always is a bit aggressive when it comes to finding a bargain.
“Who the fuck even goes to Walgreens?”
“I do,” Eddie replies. “Usually to pick my prescriptions or to buy you the children’s Tylenol.”
“I get headaches! Everyone gets headaches! Don’t bully me!”
Sure maybe Richie couldn’t swallow any cold medicine larger than a Xanax, but he could swallow other things just fine. Something Richie would be reminding Eddie of, if it weren’t for the fact that there is still an old woman glaring at him.
And despite popular belief Richie does have a least a hint of common decency.
Like 2%.
“I mean, who buys fucking action figures at a Walgreens?”
“Technically, I believe it’s a bobble head.”
Richie groans.
Crouching down when he finally finds the section in question, the meager amount of toys sandwiched between the candy and gift card aisle at the drugstore.
There’s maybe ten Funko Pops there, all with battered boxes. Some Star Wars, Marvel, a Disney Princess shoved in the back there and then, just where he almost would have missed it is one box with the words Attic Room in the creepy bloody font across the top of it.
Bill and his fucking horror movies.
Couldn’t they all have just locked their trauma in the past and been done with it.
That’s what the cool kids did.
“Got it!”
“Thank god, because if I get in another bidding war, Richie, I swear-”
“Oh no wait.”
“Fuck.”
“You’re not supposed to cuss at work, babe.”
“You’re one to talk.”
“I’ve got the cool job, Eds.”
Richie grins. Of course, Eddie can’t see him, but he’s sure that Eddie knows. They’ve been together long enough to know everyone’s quirks.
Eventually Eddie heaves a sigh across the line and says, “Shut up, and tell me what you found?”
To be fair, he was on the right track, it does say Attic Room on the box, but instead of it being from their Director collection and instead of a creepy black eyed bobble head of their good friend Bill staring up at them, he is instead greeted with the picture of one of the kids from the movie.
Of course, the movie Bill would be most well known for would be the one he based on all of their summer from hell.
Richie pointedly didn’t watch the movie, but he knows well enough that Bill gave one of the characters glasses and it’s a pretty damn accurate caricature of himself.
The one in the box isn’t his, it’s the girl, red hair, those creepy Funko eyes, a dress covered in blood. Otherwise known as Lucy the cheap Beverly knock off.
“Fake Bev.”
“That’s disappointing.”
Richie flips the box over, the collection of kids are pictured in small versions on the back as well as fourteen different versions of the knock off swamp thing that Bill has as the villian.
“Is it weird that I kind of want to buy knock off Bev?”
“Yes,” Eddie replies. “But if you’re already buying things maybe pick yourself up some more Tylenol? And Nyquil? And oh, actually, I was reading up on this new vitamin-”
“Yeah, yeah, Eds, you’re lucky I love you.”
*
LOSERS CLUB
RICHIE: im in the SUBURBS right now bill you better be feeling the love
BILL: I don’t even know what’s going on?
BEV: fuck why didnt we check the burbs @BEN
RICHIE: bev i love u but i swear if you take my idea i will FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH
RICHIE: as the now proud owner of a bev voodoo doll i will win
BEV: th e fuc k
BEN: Dude, what?
EDDIE: We do not actually own a Beverly voodoo doll. Richie is just being dramatic.
MIKE: The scary thing is I wouldn’t put it past Richie to be tricked into buying a fake voodoo doll.
EDDIE: Voodoo dolls aren’t real. So all of them… Would be… Fake?
MIKE: No, they’re definitely real.
BILL: Why do I suddenly feel like getting on this flight to New York is a bad idea?
RICHIE: eddie we literally fought an evil alien demon clown from space everything’s real now
RICHIE: including my creepy bev doll :)
BEV: me, driving to the burbs right now to duel you to the death
RICHIE: my DREAM tbh
*
As far as best places in New York City to have a birthday party, Richie really will insist that the Olive Garden in Times Square was quite possibly his best decision ever. Sure, their table is slightly tilted, and the whole place is crowded, but they are by far not the most obnoxious people in here.
Which had they gone with any of the fancy suggestions Eddie and Beverly had tried to insist upon, they most certainly would have been kicked out for being too loud.
Plus here Bill gets a free dessert and singing waitstaff so really what isn’t there to love.
Classy as fuck.
“You know they gave me one of these for free after they made them,” Bill says, holding up one of the three (3) Funko pops of himself that are currently sitting on the table.
Because apparently everyone had the same idea when it came to what to get Bill for his birthday.
“Then I’m taking mine back,” Richie says, reaching across the table, “Free Bill voodoo doll!”
“No,” Bill replies, draping himself over the table and jostling the breadsticks in order to protect the small bobble head versions of himself. “Hands off, Tozier.”
*
bev marsh ✓ @MARSH @OriginalFunko I think your next collection should be fashion designers, and by that I mean, you 100% have permission to make one of me! :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
bev marsh ✓ @MARSH or else :)
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth not to be like funko is homophobic BUT the fact that BILL OF ALL PEOPLE has a bobble head before me hMM Much To Consider
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth pls @ my trashheads tweet at them until they love me :( :( :(
Mike @MikeHanlon There are two types of people in the world.
Bill Denbrough ✓ @BillDenbrough @MikeHanlon I’m kind of terrified of both of them at the moment.
Mike @MikeHanlon @BillDenbrough Yes, exactly.
*
“How is it that you’ve voiced so many awful animated characters and none of them were made into bobble heads?”
“Homophobia,” Richie replies.
He’s half asleep, a little tipsy from that good Olive Garden wine, and currently would like to be doing a lot of other things with Eddie in his bed right now. Things that he can’t do because Eddie’s got his laptop out - the universal signal for no sexy times allowed, ever since that one time Richie accidentally stepped on his old laptop - and has Richie’s IMDb page open in one tab and eBay open in another.
“Fuck them,” Eddie replies.
“Yeah, fuck them,” Richie agrees. “Or actually, you know who you could fuck-
“I’m going to write them an angry email,” Eddie says, cutting him off.
And Richie knows a lost cause when he sees one.
So instead of trying to distract Eddie, he curls himself closer, pressing himself against Eddie’s side and letting the comforting lull of the wine and the memory of a good night help him get closer and closer to sleep.
“You know,” Richie says, voice a sleepy mumble. “Twitter campaigns usually get more traction than emails. I’ve got plenty of loyal and angry fans.”
“Oh believe me, I couldn’t forget about them.”
Richie laughs lightly. It’s always a joke between them, the time when Richie’s twitter followers were all convinced that Eddie was an anti rather than the love of his life. At least Twitter unsuspended his account after that one time.
“I can’t believe, I’m starting 2020 by getting into a Twitter war with a fucking bobble head company.”
“You know, creepy knock off Bev doesn’t even bobble.”
Eddie’s eyes dart rapidly around their room, hunting for where Richie had hidden the bobble head this time. It had been a game of theirs during the last week since he bought her, hiding it in Eddie’s work bag or medicine cabinet. Like a horrific not actually bobble headed version of Elf on the Shelf. Right now she’s in the kitchen by the toaster and Eddie will find her in the morning and let out that frustrated but fond sigh of his before making them toast.
But for now…
“She’s not in here,” Richie says, putting Eddie out of his misery.
“Where the fuck is she, then?”
“Dunno, Eds, she moves during the night, it’s magic .”
*
Edward Kaspbrak ✓ @EKaspbrak Are corporations even allowed to block people? I have a verified check mark! What the fuck?
richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth @EKaspbrak Is it weird that you being blocked by Funko kinda turns me on?
Mike @MikeHanlon @EKaspbrak @trashmouth Yes, it is.