Work Text:
He can’t do this.
There is no way he can do this.
He doesn’t have the qualification, he doesn’t know how, he is just… well, himself.
“If you mess this up, Heinz,” stated Lang, somehow managing to threateningly loom over Doofenshmirtz despite his shorter figure, “I’ll held you responsible.”
Heinz gulped. And yet, his mouth was once again quicker than his anxiety: “Right, right, Langie. It’s not like I plan to blow this school up. Which still might happen, just so you know.”
Lang looked horrified for a moment. “Whatever possessed me to agree to this madness?” he asked himself. Then he adjusted his tie and opened the door to the classroom, immediately starting to speak: “Good morning, everybody. As you might know, there have been some staff changes lately. As poor miss Giddypenny is nursing her broken arm, due to an unfortunate figure skating incident, we have been compelled to employ a new science teacher. If you’ll sit down, I will introduce you to…”
“Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz,” finished Heinz instead of him, waving enthusiastically as he entered the classroom.
Vanessa’s entire life flashed in front of her eyes. She suddenly felt the urge to bang her head to the desk repeatedly.
“Doctor Doofenshmirtz is here on a trial basis,” continued Lang, only to be once again interrupted by Heinz.
“Oh no, no, no. I’ve already had the trial. This is my probation service,” smiled Heinz.
Lang looked at the kids meaningfully. “I want you all to stay alert and report each and every weird thing he would do.” Then he turned back to the recently redeemed evil scientist. “Just so you know, Heinz, I’ve got my eye on you. And I miss nothing.” Lang attempted to leave while keeping Heinz in sight, only to walk into a supply closet. Quickly rectifying his mistake, he kicked back the scattered cleaning supplies and walked away.
The class fell into silence.
“Dad, come here,” Vanessa dragged Heinz outside the class. “What are you doing here?!” she practically snarled at him.
“Um, honey, we’ve discussed this. I’m not allowed to directly join O.W.C.A., not without probation in community service.”
“I know that, I know.” She took a deep breath to calm herself. “I mean, what are you doing here? In my school?”
“Oooh, Francis wanted me nearby in case I’ll cause some sort of world-wide catastrophe. So, I’m teaching science!”
“Please, let this be a joke,” groaned Vanessa. “Perry knows about this, right? ”
Heinz opened his mouth to answer her, only to be interrupted by a girl in the same style of clothes his daughter preferred, her bright pink hair tied into pigtails: “Excuse me, Dr D?”
“Yeah?” He futilely tried to recall the name of Vanessa’s friend that joined them. Stacey? Lacie? Amanda?
“Is Vanessa going to get, like, special treatment, now that you are teaching us?”
“Absolutely not,” announced Vanessa, crossing her arms and glaring meaningfully at her father.
Heinz wanted to disagree. It would be completely natural to treat his only daughter especially! To grant her certain privileges, like no homework or top scores in tests. But wait, wait, that would be rather unfair towards other pupils, therefore kind of evil, wouldn’t it? And he is trying to give up his evil ways.
Ugh, being good is such a chore.
Another similarly dressed teen approached. “So, you’re Vanessa’s dad? I’m Johnny.”
“Oh wow. Aren’t you the one my ladybug had been screaming at over the telephone?”
“We were hardly going out!” snapped Vanessa.
“Yes, we were!” whined Johnny.
“Get it over,” advised Heinz. “Girls don’t like guys who are whiny. Trust me, I know.” He stared into the distance with a pained expression.
Vanessa was instantly worried that he was experiencing yet another flashback.
“Buut that's a story for another time,” he smiled stiffly. “For now, back to class, everybody.”
Once they all took their seats, Heinz continued: “Right. So, well, umm,” he wrung his hands, trying to locate the lost thread of thoughts.
Should he write his name on the blackboard?
He should have done that as the first thing, shouldn’t he? Now it seemed rather obsolete.
“Calm down, dad,” stated Vanessa, whipping her mobile out.
“Thanks, honey. Buuut, you know, the usage of mobile in lessons is against school rules. I’ve had to memorise them.”
“Just an emergency text.” Vanessa nimbly typed a message. A reply pinged several seconds later:
You’ve been told.
But I understand that the sounds of joy over your dad’s
new heading in life might’ve drowned out the details.
Or was it your mp3?
P the #[ ]°>
“Vanessa, sweetie, are you all right? You just slammed your head to the desk. I mean, really hard. Aren’t you hurting?”
“You date a sass master,” she whispered under her breath. She gestured thumbs-up, not bothering to remove her face from the hard surface. “Don’t mind me, dad. Go on with the lesson.”
“All right?” Heinz gave her a concerned look. “Well, let’s start with something…” he flipped through the textbook in search for a topic interesting enough for a class full of teens. “Oh, you will love this. Let’s start with genetics, the building blocks of life. Pay attention, I’ll make it as simple as possible. Your genes determine what you will be. A turtle or a bird or… for instance:” Heinz smirked and plucked a hair out of Johnny’s head.
Johnny whimpered.
“Oh don’t be a baby, you’ve got plenty. At least for the next ten years,” assessed Heinz.
He shoved the strand of hair in a petri dish and pushed it underneath a microscope. Then he fumbled a little with the setting of a projector that connected the view from his microscope to the white screen on his left, trying to clear the focus.
“Let’s see genetics at work, shall we? Now, all of the information that makes this young man who and what he is, is stored in these DNA strands in every cell of his body. The genetic code is very delicate. See, now, if we move this base pair over to here,” Heinz swapped two DNA strands with tweezers, “he would have been a gorilla. Or you know, maybe a lizard. You see, there’s this whole world of things going on, too small for us to even notice.”
He attempted to lean on the desk, but miscalculated the distance and almost fell down. In the last moment, he caught himself on the desk, but such movement toppled his books. They fell like domino blocks, knocking down a decorative piece of antique balancing scales. A pair of electrode pins resting on one of the pans whooshed high in the air. They landed, one stuck directly into a deceased frog, the second landed on the battery, hence giving the frog enough voltage to a powerful post-mortem kick which sent the petri dish flying.
“Duck!” yelled Vanessa and took cover underneath her desk.
The rest of the class remained where they were, staring in disbelief as the petri dish landed squarely on Johnny’s face.
“Oh, come on!” whined Heinz.
“Somehow, I’m not even surprised,” confessed Vanessa.
With growling and grunting, Johnny started to mutate.
“OK, so everyone pay attention to this. This is what I was talking about. The DNA of a human is only a few base pairs from that of a monkey,” explained Heinz as Johnny turned into a vaguely gorilla-like creature, his right hand growing mighty muscles and even mightier hairs. Then Johnny grew a scaly tail and his other hand turned into that of a lizard. “Or, or a reptile for that matter,” concluded Heinz.
Transformation finished, Johnny ran out of the classroom, wailing in anguish.
“See, I told you. A whiner. Vanessa, sweetie, what are you doing?”
Vanessa answered without looking at her father, furiously typing on her mobile: “Summoning our salvation.”
Heinz looked at her in confusion. “Whatever do you mean by that?”
The door banged open and in walked a sharply dressed tanned man with teal hair and brown fedora.
“Perry the Platypus?!” exclaimed Heinz.
“Why do you call him Platypus?” asked Mort.
Perry churred.
“Wow, that sounds almost like a real platypus,” mused Annabelle.
“Yes, well, it’s his coden-”
“Nickname,” interjected Vanessa. She turned to Perry: “How did you get in here so quickly? You've been lurking around the whole time, haven't you?”
“Nickname, right,” conformed Heinz. “Class, this is mister Perry, he’s my… assistant?”
Vanessa smirked: “Assistant, oh right.”
Heinz ignored her muttering and turned to Perry: “It was an accident, I swear.”
“Dad turned my ex-boyfriend into a mutant,” explained Vanessa.
Perry hummed approvingly.
“Well, not that I mind, but he might get in trouble. I mean dad, not Johnny.”
Where do you have him? signed Perry
“He ran away.”
Perry raised his eyebrow in silent demand of an explanation.
“It all happened so quickly,” apologised Heinz. “Didn’t you meet him on the way here? He has greasy hair and wears a black trench coat.”
“And he’s a man-gorilla-lizard hybrid,” added Vanessa.
Perry smirked at her.
“Hello!” she pointed at her father. “You're the one to talk!”
“In her defence, he was just a whiny-baby prior to this… accident,” interjected Heinz.
Perry started signing to Heinz only to be interrupted by an outburst: “Of course I can prepare an antidote! You know I never build anything without some way to reverse the effects.” Heinz crossed his arms and huffed: “And I could hardly install a self-destruct button on a living boy. I just need to find some of his hair. We’re lucky that this is an extended lesson with lab time,” mused Heinz.
All right, Perry turned to Vanessa, let's hunt your ex down.
“Sssooo, how exactly is mister Platypus here related to you?” asked Lacie as the small group of teens led by secret agent entered the gym.
“Is he single?” asked Mort, eyeing Perry’s backside.
“Well, he’s my…” Vanessa hesitated. “It’s complicated… this summer was kinda crazy and he and dad finally worked out their weird relationship after going at it for, like, ages, and ugh, I'm rambling like my dad!”
“Yeah, but is he single?” asked Mort again.
“Not anymore, thank God. The UST was beyond frustrating. Johnny!” she called out, eager to change the topic. “Erm, creature formerly known as Johnny? Are you here?”
Johnny screeched from his hideout behind stands. He dashed out, toppling his classmates down on the secret agent. While Perry was digging himself out from the pile of teens, Johnny grabbed Vanessa and took away with her.
She tried to wiggle herself free, watching Perry’s expression of growing concern as he and her classmates chased after them through empty corridors.
“This won’t help, like not at all, Johnny, we’re still over,” she stated, miffed and unimpressed. When they got outside way ahead of Perry, she mused: “If you could run like that, you should join the athletic team. Move it, Perry, you’re lagging behind!” she yelled at the pursuing secret agent.
An aggravated growl came in reply.
“That’s all those sweets dad’s been feeding you! You are on a diet starting tomorrow. Hey! Hands up, Johnny, no groping.”
Johnny laughed manically and started to scale up the bell tower. “Sanctuary!” he shrieked.
Vanessa rolled her eyes. “Ugh. You are such a drama queen.” She swatted at his shoulder in exasperation. “This, this is why we broke up. And here I hoped I had better taste in partners than my dad.”
“Krttkrttkrttkr!”
“Sorry, Perry!” she yelled down to the secret agent. “I didn’t mean it like that!”
“What is he doing?!” screamed Heinz. He and the rest of the students came running with a vial of freshly made antidote. “Haven’t he seen King Kong? Up is not a way to escape, it never turns out good!” He turned to Perry: “Even I know that!”
Perry made a haphazard sign, already dashing in the direction of the parking space.
“Good idea. Go and get it. Now,” Heinz turned to his class, “does anybody, perchance, have, like, a crossbow? Or something like that?”
“I do.” Annabelle pulled a sturdy crossbow out of her bag.
They all stared at her.
“What? I like to be prepared, this is Danville.”
Heinz let the statement sunk. “I’m actually slightly terrified of how valid this reason is. Aaanyway, ah, Schatz, here you are!”
With a screeching of tyres, Perry parked his car next to him.
“Is that a new model? Or just a new varnish? The last time I’ve seen your car, it was, well, toasted. Yeah, yeah, totally my fault.” Heinz climbed into the passenger seat. “Still won’t let me drive?”
Perry pushed a button on the dashboard and the wheels transformed into tiny engines.
“That’s a hovercraft!” stated Ben in amazement. “Like, a real hovercraft! Mister Perry, you have a really cool ride!”
“Yeah, and he never lets me drive,” complained Heinz.
Perry churred and took off.
The teens stood there in amazement.
“This is like…” started Lacie.
“The best damn lesson ever!” they all agreed in unison.
They watched the drama unfold.
“Did Johnny just… thrown a bell down on Dr D and mister Perry?”
“He has always been such a drama queen.”
Heinz tried to shove the bell off Perry. He nearly managed to throw himself out of the hovercraft. Perry grabbed him by the belt at the very last moment. He shook his head in an attempt to get rid of the ringing in his ears.
Heinz looked at him in horror. “I’ve dropped the antidote!”
The bell landed upside down with a bang. The crossbow fell into it, sliding along the curvature. The movement set off the trigger, releasing the vial of antidote back to the air.
Vanessa grabbed the vial as it flew around her, injecting the antidote into Johnny’s hand. He started to mutate back, loosening the grip he had on her.
Perry swerved sharply, grazing the tarnish of his hovercraft on the bricks of the bell tower. Vanessa landed on the boot of the car. “Nice catch. Do we have the net-shooting gun in here?”
“In the trunk, honey,” answered her father.
Then Johnny fell as well.
Vanessa stamped on the boot to open it and pulled the device out. She caught her former boyfriend in the net.
They dropped Johnny to the crowd of cheering classmates and the hovercraft landed safely.
“All right,” stated Heinz as he hopped out. “This concludes our lesson. So, what did we all learned today?”
“Never mutate anyone unless you have a handsome assistant with a hovercraft to help you set things right?” suggested Lacie.
Heinz contemplated it for a moment. “Huh, that’s one way to put it, I guess,” he concluded finally. “Well then, the lesson ended. See you next time. Don’t be late for your other classes.”
All the teens gradually trailed back into the main building, chattering excitedly.
Johnny beamed at Vanessa. “You saved my life.”
“Oh, please don’t read anything into this.”
“There’s still hope!” he happily announced before his friend dragged him away.
“What did I just say?!” complained Vanessa.
Need help with him? asked Perry.
“I can make it looks like an accident,” offered Heinz.
Perry hesitated a little before shooting him a reproving look.
Vanessa contemplated it for a moment. “Nah. I’m good, I think. Let me handle it myself. So,” she took them both around shoulders, coercing her dad to bend down to hers and Perry’s eye-level, “this is not going to be a regular occurrence, right? ”
Perry shared a meaningful look with her, nodding his head furtively in the direction of her father.
“Weeell, there’s 261 days between summer vacations, and, you know, a lot can happen.” Heinz shrugged his shoulders. “I’m just saying.”
Vanessa sighed. “And I thought this summer was the craziest time of my life.” But a small smile appeared on her lips and she chuckled. “Whatever,” she kissed her dad on his cheek, leaving behind a lipstick mark. Then she smirked mischievously and kissed Perry as well. “You’d better keep him in line,” she winked at the secret agent.
Perry grinned at her.
“Gotta go prepare for math. Coming?” She headed towards the main building, both men trailing closely behind.
She opened one leaf of the door, letting Perry handle the other. They both outstretched their free hand towards Heinz.
Heinz hesitated. He looked at them, trailing his sight from his amazing partner to his perfect daughter.
He still felt unsure whether he can carry this out.
He still felt unsure about this radical change of lifestyle.
But he realised that he doesn’t have to make it perfect on the very first try.
Because now he has people who care about him. People who would help him make it right.
“What the… bell?” asked director Lang upon seeing the state of the lawn between the main school building and the bell tower. He raised his hand and shook it in a dramatic pose, threatening the stormy sky. “Curse you, Heinz Doofenshmirtz!”
The thunder, in an utter lack of dramatical timing, did not rumble to emphasize his point.