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Long nights. They couldn’t be considered plural, because floating in the galaxy the atmosphere around them was just one continuously long night. Of course when they landed on various planets there were occasionally natural day cycles, but after what felt like weeks without stopping anywhere, Smith felt like she was trapped in a cage. After seven months of isolation on the Robinson’s Jupiter, she knew that she never wanted to spend another minute floating through the galaxy if she didn’t have to. As much trouble as it would bring her, Smith longed to finally start a new life on Alpha Centauri, this was her chance to make up for all the damage she’d done in the past.
Besides the endless night, and the longing for a new home, Smith was going stir crazy. Ever since Don pulled her out of that box and onto their Jupiter after her attempted sacrifice, she was incredibly bored. They didn’t need her to pilot the ship, any of the Robinson’s were capable of that. They didn’t need her to do any repair work, that was Don’s job and she wouldn’t dare lay a hand on the Jupiter in good faith. There were a few others on the Jupiter, stragglers that Don picked up on the way just as he’d picked her up, but she didn’t feel like talking to new people. Hard work had gone into trying to improve her character flaws, but she had to focus on the relationships she already developed before she could focus on new ones.
The only thing that passed the time was writing. It was something she wished she had bonded over with Penny, but there was never any downtime when some aspect of space wasn’t trying to kill them. She only had one notebook with a handful of pages left so she wrote small and sparsely. Every word she chose was a specific memory she wanted to remember. When she wrote, she felt like she was a teenager all over again, writing down everything in a diary so she’d never forget it. She didn’t have very many memories from her real childhood, at least not pleasant ones. This new life she was attempting to start would hopefully make up for that.
At the moment she was recounting the details of her last couple of days;
(I accepted my death that night. As soon as I put on that suit and walked into peril to try and save the Robinson family, I knew it was a dying mission. But sitting here now I realize that my death wasn’t literal, but rather metaphorical. The death of the old June Harris, the woman who would’ve been long gone as those robots took over, preventing any escape. This was the new me, and my motivations for once weren’t selfish.
Being a good person isn’t easy, but I’m working on it, I truly am.
It’ll all be worth it, I know it. And maybe one day, if I keep working at it, they’ll consider me family, like the Robot suggested. Wishful thinking I know, but I do care about them. Especially Maur–)
“What’re you writing?”
A voice startled Smith and she snapped her notebook shut, flicking her pen and trying to act casual. She felt a blush rising to her cheeks, her face felt hot as she looked up into the curious eyes of Maureen Robinson. She cleared her throat, trying her best not to look like she’d been caught red-handed.
If Maureen noticed she didn’t make any mention, “I didn’t mean to startle you, I just finally have some downtime and was curious to see what you were up to.”
Smith moved over and allocated space for Maureen to sit next to her, she tucked the notebook away into her satchel for later. She wondered if the woman had really purposely come looking for her, or if that had just been an excuse for her twisted curiosity. They hadn’t spoken at all since that night on the Resolute, and Smith had mostly accepted that the woman was ignoring her. She looked over at Maureen cautiously whilst fidgeting with the zipper on her jacket, “I’m going mad just sitting here doing nothing, no strenuous activity on doctors orders, so I figured I might as well do a little writing,” It felt like a secret she was hiding, childish, but still the notebook held importance to her.
Maureen dropped the topic, much to Smith’s relief, “Well luckily for you I have something you can help me with, no strenuous activity involved, just a little organizing of supplies,” She looked up at the woman, unsure if she truly meant what she said, “Unless you’d rather get some more rest, you’ve been through a lot in the last forty eight hours.”
“No, I mean yes. I mean I’ll do it, anything I can do to be helpful,” Smith rambled, eventually getting her point across.
“Alright follow me, I have something to show you,” Maureen stood, extending her hand to Smith who took it gratefully.
“–Yes! Please let’s do something, anything.”
That was something Smith missed most about those seven months, the time when she was trusted, and could actually help. The nights she spent helping Maureen were some of the best she spent on the Jupiter.
“Just give me a moment before we go,” Maureen threw open the door of the cockpit, revealing a rather laid back looking Don West, talking to his chicken.
The man fascinated Smith since the first day they met, but she never once questioned his judgement or mental stability, even when he had long ongoing conversations with a chicken.
“Don are you and Debbie good here while we go take care of the storage unit? Everything is looking stable and we’re still on course so all you have to do is ensure nothing goes wrong,” Maureen explained as simply as she could.
Don sighed, “Something always goes wrong, but we have it covered for now so go do what you have to.”
Debbie clucked in agreement.
“Alright, we’ll give you two some alone time,” Maureen said half-jokingly, but Smith couldn’t find any joy in the moment because of the glare she was receiving from Don.
“Smith,” It was a short, cold acknowledgement.
She nodded, knowing she deserved that, “West,” It didn't matter because Don and Debbie were already back in deep conversation by the time she turned to follow Maureen. There were some things in the world she’d just never understand.
A moment of silence between them before Maureen spoke, “So, what’s with all the tension between you and Don?”
Smith glanced back at the cockpit which was now a small spot as they walked further into the hall. Don was a sensitive topic, nonetheless she spoke, “We have a complicated history, and I’ve been trying to right all the wrong I did him, but I’ve gotten nowhere,” Smith didn’t fully understand their dynamic, even now. Some days the man hated her and others they’d be fine, it was all too confusing for her.
“He likes you more than he lets on.” Smith raised her brow at that, wondering if Maureen was joking, “Seriously, when he pulled your box onto the ship he didn’t hesitate to get you help, not for a second. He carried you himself to the medical room.”
“Really?” Smith asked incredulously as they turned a corner.
“He acted so fast I didn’t have time to see that it had been you in the box.” Smith remembered waking up alone, wondering if she’d really made it out alive. And the only thing she could think of even then was Maureen and the children, hoping that they’d lived. She watched the woman intently, Maureen’s face falling, “You know, I kept telling myself when I left you that day that you’d be able to get away, even if I wasn’t entirely convinced.”
Smith nodded, “Sometimes we have to tell ourselves things in order to sleep at night, I can’t say I’m innocent when it comes to that.”
Maureen paused, hesitating for a moment as if she was thinking about saying something but ultimately decided against it. Smith figured she probably had countless questions about her past, but it didn’t matter now, they were long past dwelling on mistakes, “For the record, I’m glad you’re here, I’m glad Don insisted on pulling in that meat cooler.”
That earned Maureen a quick glance, a gleam in Smith’s eyes, “That means a lot.”
“And don’t worry about Don, he’ll come around eventually, he’s just stubborn.”
“I hope you’re right, I’m just glad I’ve got you by my side until then.” Smith’s heart skipped a beat when she realized what she’d said, but Maureen was blissfully unaware of the deeper meaning behind it.
Maureen stopped once they reached the door at the end of the hallway, and tapped in her access code to open another door. She held it open for Smith, allowing the woman to slip in first.
Smith thanked her quietly before questioning, “Where are we going by the way?”
Maureen walked a little ahead of her now, which Smith was thankful for because she never knew her way around, “There’s extra supplies in the back storage room apparently, stocked by the crews who built this emergency Jupiter,”
Smith stopped a moment, “We aren’t on our Jupiter?”
Our Jupiter, Smith lingered on that for longer than she should’ve. Of course she saw it as their Jupiter, even if she lived on it in captivity, she still lived on it for as long as anyone else had.
It wasn’t something strange to say, but Maureen still looked at her curiously. She cleared her throat and motioned for Smith to keep walking with her, “Don got stuck with the emergency Jupiter 88. I wanted to get it organized and see what supplies they had packed just in case of any complications we run into,” She opened another door into a smaller space that was scattered, supplies thrown off shelves from where she assumed it had once been organized.
“This place looks like it’s been ransacked,” Smith observed bluntly.
“It might’ve been.”
They got to work quickly, dividing the room in half and taking inventory of everything they could use. Spare parts to the Jupiter they set aside in a pile for Don, extra rations and supplies like blankets and lanterns Smith put on a shelf lower to the ground for easy access in the event of an emergency. Every box the two women sorted through was like uncovering a new possibility, a twisted scenario in Smith’s mind. What could they possibly need this wire for? What would have to go wrong for them to have to use this plug? She knew a lot less than the average person about the aspects of space travel, and all of these variables still puzzled her.
Something inside of her changed when she dug into the next box and found a small stuffed bear, similar to the one she’d had as a child. It was wrapped up with the spare blankets, she assumed it was packed with a small child in mind. Deep in her thoughts of the one object that brought her joy all those years ago, she barely noticed when Maureen gently asked,“Are you alright?”
The woman was nearer to her now, having taken a break to move a wrench to Don’s designated box. Smith wasn’t sure what to say, logically Maureen had no interest in her childhood memories, or lack thereof.
She placed the bear back on a shelf with the blankets, trying to move onto the next box. She tried to shield her emotions from Maureen, but the pain was clearly displayed on her face, which had scrunched into itself in a display of grief. She didn’t want to push her trauma on Maureen, that was embarrassing especially since the woman barely trusted her. Smith drew in a shaky breath, “I just wonder where I’d be now if I’d never been honest with my parents, if they’d kept me as their daughter. Would I still be here? Or would I be living an even bigger lie?”
Maureen frowned, and Smith watched her toss a bolt over in her hand, contemplating, “I think everything happens for a reason. Even if I don’t exactly agree with everything you did in the past, or anything your family did to you, I still acknowledge that you are who you are because of it.”
“All these years of purposely only relying on myself so I wouldn’t get hurt or have to worry about trusting people, I’ve damaged myself,” Smith ran a hand through her hair, taking a deep breath before turning away to find another box.
She flinched when she felt the weight of Maureen’s hand on her shoulder, “Nevertheless, you’re perfect. You’re perfectly you, Smith.” She’d never been told that, by anyone. The weight of Maureen’s words held her there in place, her mind racing with anything to say in response. Maureen didn’t retreat, instead bringing her other hand to turn Smith around to face her.
They were closer than they’d ever been both emotionally and physically and Smith felt like she was drowning, “They exiled me because I would never be the perfect daughter, or wife, or mother one day. They taught me just how cruel the world was, and always would be to people who were immoral like me.” She held her breath, afraid she’d said too much, gone too far in the face of her sudden vulnerability. Something about the way Maureen hadn’t left, but rather tightened her grip on Smith’s shoulders made everything seem like it was going to be alright.
“You’re not immoral, and living a lie would’ve been worse than the few missteps you made to get here,” Maureen’s words were barely a whisper, but Smith was just glad she understood without having to say anything more, “Don’t ever regret being proud to live as yourself, because you are perfect.”
“Thank you,” Smith smiled as Maureen reached up to wipe the few tears that had fallen, she leaned into the woman’s touch before pulling away hurriedly to return back to the box she’d been unpacking.
“Good thing we’re not on Earth anymore,” Maureen laughed, the loud clang of metal hitting the floor as she missed her toss of a screwdriver startled Smith, “No one gives a fuck in space.”
“You’re right about that,” Smith pulled out a stack of notebooks from a dusty box, examining them to make sure the pages were intact, “These notebooks will be perfect for Penny, for Christmas.” Then they’d finally have the chance to bond, assuming the girl would still be friendly with her in a couple of months.
“You should keep at least one for yourself, you’ll need more space for whatever you’re writing,” Maureen reasoned, clearing a spot on the shelf for Smith to start a pile of her own.
Smith set the notebooks where Maureen had cleared space, running her hand along the matte cover of the book on top of the stack, “I’ve been writing memories, happy ones.”
One of the boxes Maureen was trying to lift got caught on something and Smith came over to help her detach it, “Memories of your journey to Alpha Centauri?” She questioned as she was finally able to set the heavy box down.
Smith began to help her dig through it, having finished most of her own workload on her half of the room, “Seeing as the only happy memories I’ve ever made have been on this trip, yeah I guess you could say that.” They brushed hands as they both reached for the same bag of rations, Smith found herself lingering a little too long and hoped Maureen hadn’t noticed, “I figured that way whenever I feel down, or like trust isn’t worth it, I can look back on the times when it was.”
Smith was about to change the subjects before Maureen could say anything, but her eyes locked on something in the very corner of the room on a back shelf, “Is that what I think it is?” It was an old radio, and Smith suddenly felt the happiest she had in awhile.
Maureen carried a box over, “All these CD’s I found make sense now,”
“It’s music, oh my god it’s music!” Smith placed the machine aside and began searching through the discs neatly packed at the bottom of the box.
Maureen joined her in the search, “It's been so long since I heard any kind of music,”
“These smart asses only packed space related songs,” Smith scoffed.
Maureen picked up a few, listing them off;
“Rocketman by Elton John, Moon River by Andy Williams, It’s Only A Paper Moon by Ella Fitzgerald,” she sorted through them, putting the ones she recognized to the side as Smith hummed a tune under her breath.
“My favorite, Fly Me to the Moon,” Maureen pointed out, tossing the disc over in her hand. She put it in the machine, hoping that it would actually play. And when it worked both women laughed from pure joy.
Smith kicked a box out of her way, creating enough space for them to move around comfortably. Maureen looked unsure, but that didn’t stop her from giving Smith a puzzled smile as the woman extended a hand to her.
“May I have this dance?” Smith wiped her hands on her jacket and extended her hand to Maureen.
She was hesitant, “I haven’t ever danced really,” she admitted honestly.
This didn’t discourage Smith at all, her smile only grew wider as she stepped closer, “Don’t worry about that, you'll be a natural. Besides, when’s the last time you actually had a little fun?” Her voice dropped a few octaves, her flirtatious nature getting the better of her. It seemed to have the right effect on Maureen, who was considering it.
Smith figured the woman owed it to herself to just let loose and have fun for once. She knew how hard Maureen worked every day for hours on end, never taking time for herself. She deserved it, they both did, even if it was only for as long as Sinatra’s voice could serenade them.
“Alright,” Maureen took a deep breath, “Let’s dance,”
Smith was completely in awe watching as the beautiful woman took her hand, and wasted no time pulling her out into the cleared area. This was a scene from her dreams, the light bounce of Maureen’s auburn hair as she spun the woman to grab her by the waist and hold her close, “Is this alright?” She asked, rubbing her thumb gently over the dip in Maureen’s hip, still hesitant until she received approval.
“Yes, it’s better than alright,” Maureen’s words were usually thought out but a quick glance told Smith that the woman was completely out of her element. She reached for Maureen’s hand, guiding her in simple swaying steps and encouraging the woman to feel the beat and let it do the work for her. It was clumsy at first, them stepping on each other’s feet and giggling to themselves, but seeing Maureen’s face light up as she finally got the steps down was an image Smith hoped she’d remember forever. The woman's eyes were telling a story more complex than Smith could ever recount in a notebook, but she was grateful that Maureen was sharing the details in the moment.
When they began to dance completely in sync, everything slowed to a stop. It was as if the entire universe acknowledged their profound connection in that moment. Each woman moved as if the steps were ingrained into their minds and feet alike, not daring to stop for fear of the moment ending. Smith felt almost foolish now, like a child shirking her chores and responsibilities, using her imagination to create scenarios that brought her out of the real world she was living in. She did that a lot in the past, imagining that one day she’d experience a moment like this, but now she didn’t have to imagine. The real world was cruel and unusual, but dancing with Maureen in a storage room, the world felt small in comparison.
Smith was unprepared for the raw emotion she felt when Maureen rested her head lightly on her chest as they swayed. She heard the woman’s heartbeat, louder and more erratic than she imagined it would be in comparison to her own. Simply because Maureen always prided herself in her ability to remain calm under the most stressful of circumstances, nothing ever seemed to shake her. But now as they swayed gently to the soft staticky sound of the almost broken radio, Smith had to comprehend a new truth. This moment was more nerve wracking, yet, calming than anything either woman had been through while lost in space. Maureen’s body brought a soft pressure against her own, a feeling she welcomed. Earlier Smith felt like she was drowning in old memories, but now she felt like she was flying in new ones.
Smith inhaled deeply, she wasn’t sure if it was the feeling of Maureen against her chest, or the way they moved in tandem, or even perhaps just the heat of the moment, but she found her lips moving with her heart rather than her mind,
“It’s always been you,” The words were so quiet she wasn’t sure Maureen had even heard them, but in that moment she wanted her to hear them and understand them.
It had always been Maureen that Smith stayed for, that she changed for, that she risked everything for. After all it was Maureen she was holding to her chest at that very moment. It was Maureen she taught to slow dance what felt like eternities ago. It was Maureen who came to find her today. It was Maureen who had assured her that she would always be perfect. It was Maureen now running a hand through her short matted hair. Maureen tightening her grip on her waist ever so slightly, whispering, “I’ve got you and I’m not letting go,”
Smith wasn’t sure when the song had ended, but Maureen pulled away, spinning her as the last notes of the melody played. She spun right back into her embrace like something out of a fairytale. Their faces inches apart to the point she could feel Maureen’s shallow breaths running down her neck, awaking every sense in her body. Adrenaline coursed through her veins, Smith never wore her heart on her sleeve but she was sure Maureen could read her emotions in their entirety if she just looked long enough.
And then, finally, it was Maureen kissing her.
It started as clumsily as their first attempt at dancing had. Their lips moved against each other softly, their teeth knocked as they both tried to find the exact right position, but it didn’t matter because every second of it was just as magical as the last. Eventually they found their sync as they had when dancing, everything aligned and the embrace was unique in its own right. Every inch of Smith’s skin was on fire and every nerve was alight with the purest sensation possible. Maureen’s desperate touch was the only thing grounding her, and the woman let out a whine as Smith pulled away to catch her breath.
As soon as she was able to think, Smith began second guessing everything, “If you never want to talk about this again, I understand. I mean you have John and your family—”
“You are my family you stubborn woman,” Maureen’s smiling lips crashed into hers once more, this time with more confidence and just as much finesse. Her arm once again wrapped around Smith’s waist and her slender fingers tangled at the nape of her neck and through her dark hair. Smith gently bit Maureen’s lower lip, reveling in the reaction she got from her, she vowed it wouldn’t be the last time the woman moaned because of her. She found herself grasping for more of Maureen so she could pull her closer and experience this feeling longer and deeper. She pushed the woman until they made contact with a wall. She felt so alive like this, laughing into Maureen’s mouth as her hands traveled from her hips up the front of her shirt. Her nails traced patterns into Maureen’s soft skin, and everything around them diminished to nothing until it was just them kissing and grabbing and gasping for shared breaths.
“Thank you,” Smith gasped out when she finally had the air to, and she tucked a strand of Maureen’s hair behind her ear, tears involuntarily slipping down her cheeks. Maureen immediately reached for them and wiped them, stroking her jaw line gently and leaving a small trail of kisses from her chin to her ear lobe. Smith closed her eyes and allowed the tears to fall, “Thank you,” She gasped again, barely able to speak now for the emotions overcoming her were too strong.
Maureen’s lips finally ghost back over her lips before pulling away, her hands never leaving the woman. “Don’t cry,” She implored, and Smith leaned into her touch as she cupped her cheek gently. “Don’t think for a minute I would ever be ashamed of you,” As if Maureen could read her mind, the thoughts of doubt and insecurity running rampant in her already crowded brain.
“I’ve done terrible things and you’ve been nothing but forgiving and kind and beautiful and you could do so much better than me, or anyone else in the galaxy. I don’t want you to feel like I’m holding you back.”
“Your beautiful resilience is propelling me forward, you gave me the courage to step back and see the world from a different perspective. I am so proud of you, you wonderful beautiful woman, and I’m never gonna let you second guess yourself again.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,”
“You won’t, I won’t let you.” Maureen said matter of factly, “Now, dry your tears, we’ll talk more about this later but we do have a job to finish, we don’t want anyone to come looking for us.”
“Speaking of anyone else, am I going to have to worry about John? We’ve already made amends and I don’t want him to think–” Smith could think of many ways to end that sentence, there were so many things John could think of her after this.
Maureen held her face gently, “I’ve already talked with John, we’ve been long divorced even if not officially, he’s given me my blessing to move on.”
Smith sighed in relief. John had given them his blessing, he knew what the future could be for them and he fostered that hope into what it was now. She made a mental note to find him later, to thank him for everything but especially that.
All of the weight from her shoulders was gone, and for the first time a genuine smile came to her face. She turned from Maureen to finish packing up the appropriate boxes.
When they finally finished, Smith stacked Don’s box on top of her own. She tore a piece of notebook paper out and grabbed her pen out of her bag.
Did some organizing of extra supplies and thought you could use some of this
- Smith
She placed the note in the box along with a piece of chocolate for good measure. It wouldn’t be the solution to their problems, but it was a good start.
Maureen grabbed two boxes of her own, and made her way to the door, holding it open so that Smith could leave first before locking it behind her. They walked in a happy silence, first making a stop at Don’s room so that Smith could leave her gift.
“He’ll appreciate it,” Maureen assured her with an encouraging smile.
Lastly they stopped at each of their rooms respectively, parting ways. Smith set the radio on her mostly empty shelf, deciding she’d sort the CDs out later, but playing the Sinatra song once more, for the memory. As the notes drifted into the small space she called her own, she placed the three notebooks on her shelf, tucked safely behind the box of CDs. One she’d keep for herself, two she’d give to Penny for Christmas, she decided. The very last thing Smith did was pull her nearly empty notebook out of her bag, taking the pen from behind her ear and deciding to use the last page for the memory that would start the rest of her life.
She crossed out where she’d started a new sentence before Maureen interrupted her earlier that day.
(I do care about them, and they care about me too. I love Maureen with my whole heart, unsure if she knows just yet how strongly my love extends to her. I love the Robinson children, smart as whips and so true to themselves and the people they love. I love John, the man who was my first real friend in space, and gave me a second chance. I love Robot, the first creature to ever call me family, the one who saved us all when we needed it the most. I even love Don West, the man who saved my life, when I left him behind.
When I set out for space I was a different woman. I was selfish and calculating, because that’s how I was taught to live my entire life. I was completely self sufficient and I didn’t think I needed anyone else in life but myself. I did terrible things and I was a ruthless villain on all accounts, but something changed as I drifted through the galaxy from planet to planet. I was welcomed with open arms, and I learned that a life spent alone was not a life worth living. Before launching into space I never knew what family meant, never considered myself part of one, because I wasn’t. I boarded the Resolute hoping for a second chance at life on Alpha Centauri, and I abandoned ship with a second chance at love. The Robinson family changed my life, they taught me how to trust, how to laugh, and most importantly how to love.)
Smith read over it once, deciding it was a perfect end to her first notebook. She set it aside with the empty ones on the shelf, knowing she’d have plenty more to write about in the future. This was just the start of her new life, and she had a long future ahead of her.
A quiet knock on the door, Maureen leaned against it with a knowing smile, “You all set?”
“Yeah,” Smith smiled, turning to lock eyes with her once more.
“Good,” Maureen stepped into the room, wrapping her arm around Smith’s waist, “Because I was hoping I could take you to dinner.”
“A first date?” She feigned shock, “How courteous of you Robinson.”
“The first of many.”