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“Would you still love me if I was crippled?”
FN-2187 feels as if he’s watching this memory in third person, but he’s positive he is the man lying on the ground next to a lake. There’s another man next to him, but he can’t quite make out what his face looks like. They each have an arm behind their head, their free hands joined together in the middle. It was memory-FN-2187 who asked the question, eliciting a chuckle from the unfamiliar man.
(Somewhere, there’s a mechanical beeping noise, but he can’t seem to pinpoint its location.)
“Yes, dear. I’ll love you even then.” He replies good-naturedly, his thumb rubbing soothing circles onto memory-FN-2187’s hand.
“Will you love me even if I’m captured by the First Order and come back covered in scars?”
The man wrinkles his nose, no doubt picturing it in his head. “Of course I will, Finn. Where are these questions coming from?”
“I’m just curious.” The other man turned to memory-FN-2187 (Finn?), and seemed to realize his answers were important to him.
“Even when you stop loving me, I’ll continue to love you. Promise. For the rest of my life and beyond.” The other man winks at memory-FN-2187, (No. Finn. He can’t help but like that name more.) a mischievous grin on his face.
Memory-Finn rolls his eyes in reply. “Like that’ll ever happen. I promise to love you forever too,” he says, leaning into the other man for a kiss.
“-nn? Are you there? Can you hear me?”
FN-2187’s eyes flutter open, but he quickly shuts them when the bright white lights flood in. He takes a breath and slowly opens them again, the worried face of a young, good-looking woman swimming into view.
“Yes, I can hear you.” He replies raspily, and relief washes over her as she places a glass of water in his hand. He quickly gulps it down and the cool sensation of it running down his dry throat is heavenly.
“If you don’t mind me asking, who are you? And where am I?” He fears it’s the wrong question when her relief is quickly replaced by alarm and she orders everyone else out of the room. It’s only then that he realizes their presence, and sees their worried faces as they shuffle out quietly.
The woman introduces herself as his best friend, Rey, and tells him he’s suffering from amnesia and that his name is Finn. She tells him of how he’s a hero and how he saved the Resistance’s best pilot, (and you’ll meet him very soon, she says) escaping the Finalizer in the process. The stories she tells him of Starkiller base sounds bizarre, and he feels like a stranger taking credit for someone else’s achievements. He can hardly believe it when she tells him he’s a General now.
She’s telling him of their latest mission and how how he fell off a cliff and suffered a concussion. He’s been in a coma ever since and he’s only just woken up, and she fears he’s lost his memories. She’s interrupted by muffled shouting from outside the room, an angry voice rising above the rest.
“-et me in! He needs me, and I need to see him-“ The door bursts open and the voice becomes clear as its owner barrels in. Rey shoots him a disapproving glance, but the man completely ignores her. He’s in a flight suit, his helmet still in his arms, his errant curls extremely messy. Despite the fact that he’s sweating and clearly has just gotten back from a mission, he’s the most glorious being Finn has ever seen. His piercing eyes and lean yet muscular build does things to Finn’s insides, and he feels slightly guilty for the inappropriateness of his thoughts.
“Finn!” He calls, voice full of affection and wow, heart, slow down. “Do you remember me?”
He sounds so hopeful, his eyes pleading and Finn wants to just say Yes, I do, will you be my boyfriend?, but he doesn’t. He can’t find it in himself to lie to the man.
“No.. I’m sorry,” He really is sorry when he sees the man seemingly fall apart in front of him. The pilot turns around and stalks out of the room.
~
Poe slides to the floor next to the door of Finn’s hospital room, and his head falls back against the wall with a thud. Jess crouches next to him and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.
“What are you going to do?” She asks. “Are you going to give him up?”
“No,” He replies without hesitance, and she looks almost proud of the man he’s become. No longer the boyish, playful hotshot he once was.
He looks up and tries to blink the tears out of his eyes. “I made a promise to never let him go and I’m going to stick to it.”
~
His first visitor after Rey is another one of the pilots of Poe’s squadron. She introduces herself as Jess, and he asks her about Poe.
She laughs when he brings Poe up, and tells him that Poe is his co-general and is heels over head for him. Finn flushes. He doesn’t quite believe her at first.
He starts to believe her when Poe seems to never leave his room. Poe is there every meal time with food sneaked from the mess hall, more edible than what the meddroids give him.
He’s there almost every hour of the day, even when Finn is sleeping, and when he’s not, he leaves his astromech, BB-8, to watch Finn while he’s gone.
Finn thinks it’s kinda sweet and wonders if pre-amnesia-Finn was in love with Poe. He wouldn’t be surprised if he was.
When Finn is finally released from the medbay, Poe doesn’t hesitate to make space for Finn in his quarters when the meddroids say that Finn shouldn’t be left alone for a while.
“Here,” Poe shoves a soft, gorgeous leather jacket into his hands, and Finn awes at the quality of the material. He’s never worn anything like this when he was a Stormtrooper. “This jacket used to be mine, but I gave it to you a long time ago. It’s your favourite.”
Finn doesn’t doubt Poe’s words when he slips it on, and it feels like home.
~
He starts to dream of heartwarming smiles, boisterous laughter, sneaky kisses and caresses in the hanger.
He dreams of someone whispering sweet nothings and endearments to soothe him after a nightmare, someone holding his hand when pain seemed to shoot through his body, someone hugging him tightly and stroking his head when he cries at night.
He dreams of someone jumping into the line of fire for him, confessing their love for him, believing in him.
He still can’t picture the face of the person in his dreams, but he’s sure it’s a man.
He doesn’t dream of Poe though. (At least he doesn’t think he does.)
~
Once, he gets too overwhelmed by the way everyone looks at him, as if they expect him to remember them, so he runs.
He runs through the forest wherever his legs carry him, and finds himself at a lake. He doesn’t know why he subconsciously knows the way here but he can’t find it in himself to care anymore. He simply lies down to take a nap.
When he wakes up some hours later, the sun is setting and Poe is leaning forward above him, hands on his knees looking down at Finn. The look on his face is speculative, but he doesn’t look surprised that Finn is here. Somewhere deep inside, Finn isn’t surprised it was Poe who found him either.
Poe doesn’t say a word. He simply picks Finn off the ground and cradles him against his chest. Finn doesn’t have the energy to fight it and simply lets Poe carry him back, dozing off again on the way back.
When he wakes up again, it’s morning and he’s alone in his bunk. He doesn’t question how Poe found him or why he’s never felt safer than in Poe’s arms, and Poe doesn’t bring it up.
~
“People don’t stare at me so much anymore. I’m glad the novelty of an amnesiac seems to have finally worn off.” Finn’s in the hangar with the rest of the pilots, sans Poe, who was currently training new pilots.
Snap turns to him, brows furrowed. “No, that’s not it. After you ran from the mess hall that day, nobody could find you. When Poe heard of it, he flew into a rage, yelling that anybody who had a problem with you, could, and I quote, “catch these hands”. I don’t think anyone dares to stare at you anymore.”
Finn’s face reddens and he falls silent, unsure of how to reply to that. Jess elbows Snap in the stomach and they quickly move on to another conversation topic.
The ex-Stormtrooper doesn’t think he can stop thinking of Poe, who seems intent on playing the part of his hero.
He also can’t help but find himself falling in love with the pilot.
~
“I dream of a man sometimes,” Finn confesses, staring down at his soup as he stirs. “I have dreams of him comforting me, holding me, treating me like I’m someone special to him.”
Poe tries to hide his excitement, tries not to get his hopes up. You are someone special, he wants to say. It’s me you’re dreaming of. “Do you know who he is?” He asks instead, faking nonchalance.
“No,” Finn replies.
“That’s a shame,” Poe replies, shoving bread into his mouth and trying not to let it show how much that affects him.
Finn is none the wiser.
~
“Why don’t you tell him that it’s you in his dreams?” Rey asks Poe one day, as she watches him repair the Black One. His hands still for a moment before he continues working.
“Why do you ask?”
“Because he’ll know it’s you and he’ll love you and the two of you can be happy again.”
Poe finally turns to her, a sad smile on his face.
“That’s just it, isn’t it? I don’t want him to feel obligated to love me. If he falls in love with me, I want him to love me for me.”
Poe turns back to his Black One and Rey’s heart aches for her friends, but she can do nothing but accept his decision.
~
“I think I’m in love with you,” Poe jumps in surprise, yelping when his head makes contact with Black One’s wing. “Ow,” he mutters, rubbing the back of his head while turning around.
“Oh, hey, Finn,” Poe’s heart warms at the sight of his favourite person. Finn looks at him expectantly and his brain finally registers Finn’s words. His heart hammers rapidly in his chest, his hands are sweaty and he can’t hear anything except the rush of blood in his ears. “Kriff, buddy, that’s amazing, I too-“
“But I’m not going to pursue it.” Finn interrupts the pilot and Poe’s face falls. “I’m so sorry, Poe, but the man in my dreams.. I know he’s real and I made a promise to him and I have to find him. I really do, Poe. I can’t fall in love with you.”
Poe’s heart breaks and he wants so desperately to take Finn into his arms and tell him everything, tell him he’s the one that Finn’s been looking for.
But instead he takes a step back and smiles. Tells Finn he understands. And if his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes, well, Finn doesn’t comment on it.
He just walks out of the hangar and Poe waits until Finn’s out of sight before slamming his hand onto Black One’s hull.
~
It was supposed to be just a simple reconnaissance mission, no one was supposed to get hurt. Nobody expected the sudden ambush, and now Poe is lying in a hospital bed, and Finn just wants to punch himself.
If only Poe hadn’t taken shots for his crew like the self-sacrificing idiot he was. But it’s one of the reasons you fell for him, isn’t it? A voice in Finn’s head speaks up. He feels so stupid, chasing some imaginary man in his head, when an amazing one was always there right in front of his eyes. He royally kriff-ed up and he prays to the Force that he’ll get another chance.
He doesn’t realize how tightly he’s holding Poe’s hand, when a pathetic “ow” knocks him out of his reverie. “Poe!” Finn yells in pleasant surprise.
“Hey, buddy,” Poe coughs, smiling up at him, “Mind loosening your grip there? You’re crushing my bones.”
Finn answers him with a kiss and Poe doesn’t hesitate to kiss back. It feels so right that Finn decides to stop chasing the man in his dreams anymore. He’s got the perfect one right here.
~
It finally happens, one day, when they’re lying on Poe’s bunk facing each other. Poe had his eyes closed, humming contently as Finn stroked his curls when Finn is suddenly struck with a memory similar to this. He’s been in this bed before, with Poe, except it was Poe running his fingers through Finn’s much shorter hair. He knows it’s not a memory from after he’s woken up, but a memory he had lost. One by one, they slowly come back to him.
It hits him then, like a lightsaber to the back. In his dreams, the man always there with the boyish grin, a soothing voice, and a warm presence. It was Poe.
It was Poe who flew him off the Finalizer. It was Poe who held his hand while he was recovering from Starkiller. It was the same Poe who was there when he woke up with no memory, and has been by his side ever since. The very same Poe currently lying in front of him, holding his hand tenderly. The one man he falls for every single day. It was, it is, and it always will be Poe.
“Finn? You alright, love?” Poe asks, noticing the stillness of the hand perched on his head.
“Poe,” Finn answers, voice full of affection, deliriously delighted. He doesn’t have to explain because Poe just knows. He’s been waiting for this moment for far too long.
Poe’s eyes are open, searching. Watching him with a gentle smile on his face.
“Hey buddy. Welcome back.”
“You didn’t give up on me,” Finn whispered, tears running down his cheeks as he held Poe’s hand tightly, interlacing their fingers.
“I promised, remember? And in your own amnesiac way, I believe you didn’t give up on me too. Well. Until you gave up on me to pursue me. Should I be hurt or flattered?” Poe teased, their foreheads touching.
“Shut up.”
Poe’s chuckle was quickly silenced by Finn drawing him in for a kiss.