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Jiang Cheng is shaking with nerves. He doesn’t want to do this, never wants to tell Lan Xichen anything that could make him not want Jiang Cheng, but he knows that he has to do this. It’s not fair to either of them if he doesn’t tell Lan Xichen that he’s ace, or so Yanli’s voice keeps saying in his head.
He probably should have done this during their first date, Jiang Cheng muses as he tries his hardest to make his hands stop shaking, but Lan Xichen has been so sweet and attentive and Jiang Cheng has been in love with him for years, so he simply couldn’t bring himself to do it then.
It’s biting him in the ass now, Jiang Cheng is aware of that.
But then the first date has turned into a second one and a third one, and all the while Jiang Cheng couldn’t bring himself to say it, to just tell Lan Xichen the truth, because he knows how it will end. And he’s not ready to see Lan Xichen leave yet.
But Yanli is right when she says it’s not fair to either of them, which brings Jiang Cheng here, in front of Lan Xichen’s doors, about to ruin the one good thing that happened to him.
Jiang Cheng has himself convinced that Lan Xichen isn’t home when the door in front of him is finally opened.
Lan Xichen seems surprised to see Jiang Cheng, or maybe he just notes how pale Jiang Cheng is, and it just blurts out of Jiang Cheng.
“I’m ace, I’m not sexually attracted to you and I will never sleep with you,” he rambles and sees how Lan Xichen’s eyes go wide.
“I’m late for my plane,” is not exactly the answer Jiang Cheng was expecting at that, but when his eyes fall on the suitcase behind Lan Xichen he remembers that Lan Xichen talked about a business trip on their last date.
It would be just Jiang Cheng’s luck to catch him at this time.
“Oh, I see,” he weakly gives back and steps aside to let Lan Xichen out of his apartment.
“Wanyin, I really have to leave right now, but we’ll talk about this when I get back, okay?” Lan Xichen asks and Jiang Cheng forces himself to smile at Lan Xichen.
They will not talk when he gets back, and they both know it.
This is it, this is how the best thing in Jiang Cheng’s life walks out on him with no intention to come back.
“Of course,” he still says, because he’s not going to make a scene when Lan Xichen is already late. He’s more mature than that.
“I’ll meet you when I get back,” Lan Xichen says as he leans forward and softly presses a kiss to Jiang Cheng’s cheek.
“Fly safe,” Jiang Cheng can hear himself say on autopilot, because he’s too busy clinging to the feeling of Lan Xichen’s lips against his skin.
He knows it will be the last time.
~*~*~
Jiang Cheng is looking over some reports he brought back home with him, when he suddenly hears Lan Xichen’s voice outside his room.
He immediately tenses, and hopes to all the gods that he is just there to drop of Lan Wangji or something, but of course Jiang Cheng isn’t that lucky because a second later his door opens.
“Jiang Cheng,” Lan Xichen greets him and Jiang Cheng only shortly looks at him.
He is still as beautiful as he has been last week, and really, why shouldn’t he be.
“Lan Xichen,” he gives back, though Jiang Cheng turns his eyes back down on his report.
He can’t look at him. He knows what’s coming and he would rather Lan Xichen did it quick and painless and doesn’t drag it out.
Honestly, Jiang Cheng has been expecting a message all week, telling him that this is it, that Lan Xichen doesn’t want to see him again. It never came, but of course Lan Xichen would rather do this in person. Even though Jiang Cheng wishes he wouldn’t.
“Wanyin,” Lan Xichen softly says and Jiang Cheng’s mouth twists at hearing his name from Lan Xichen like that.
Why can’t he just makes this easy, get it over and done with, and not shred Jiang Cheng’s heart any further.
“Just say it Lan Xichen,” Jiang Cheng snaps and grips the report in front of him so tightly he’s afraid it might rip. He would never hear the end of it if that happens, so he consciously forces himself to relax his hands.
“Say what?” Lan Xichen wants to know and Jiang Cheng knows he’s still looking at him, can feel Lan Xichen’s eyes all over him.
“Don’t play dumb,” Jiang Cheng tells him. “I know you’re here to break up with me.”
Jiang Cheng cringes at his own phrasing because for Lan Xichen to dump him, there must have been a relationship first, and they never defined what they are.
“Won’t you even look at me?” Lan Xichen asks instead of reacting to what Jiang Cheng has said, but Jiang Cheng keeps his eyes resolutely down.
He’s not going to look at Lan Xichen. It hurts enough as it is.
“Just get it over with,” Jiang Cheng mutters and he startles badly when a soft hand covers his, still clenched around the report.
“Please, just look at me,” Lan Xichen coaxes again and Jiang Cheng is helpless but to obey the softly muttered plea.
Lan Xichen looks entirely too good for someone who is about to crush Jiang Cheng’s heart.
“What?” Jiang Cheng demands when Lan Xichen doesn’t say something and Lan Xichen sighs before he intertwines their fingers together.
“I said we would talk about this when I get back,” he says and pulls Jiang Cheng up and over to the couch. “So let’s talk.”
“You—want to talk about it,” Jiang Cheng dumbly repeats and he cannot believe his ears.
Lan Xichen had a whole week to decide that Jiang Cheng and his stupid issues and his sexuality weren’t for him. What is there to talk about?
“Yes,” Lan Xichen says, like it’s the most normal thing in the world. “It was kind of a big thing you dropped on me at a very bad time.”
“I didn’t mean to,” Jiang Cheng mutters as he sits down next to Lan Xichen. “I didn’t think. I forgot you were going on that work trip.”
“And you were nervous,” Lan Xichen says what Jiang Cheng cannot and Jiang Cheng nods.
“I looked it up, asexuality,” Lan Xichen goes on and Jiang Cheng frowns at him.
“You were on a work trip,” he says, because Lan Xichen is very diligent about his work.
“And I might have been more distracted than normally,” Lan Xichen easily gives back.
“Alright, what’s the verdict?” Jiang Cheng flippantly asks. “Too much of a bleak prospect for you, never sleeping with me?”
Jiang Cheng tries to keep his voice even, but his heart is hammering in his chest. His partners in the past have stated very clearly that, if they don’t get to sleep with Jiang Cheng at one point, there is nothing holding them by his side. Apparently, his personality can only be tolerated by the promise of sex.
“Not at all,” Lan Xichen gently gives back and raises their still intertwined hands to kiss the back of Jiang Cheng’s. “But I do have a few more questions.”
“What do you mean ‘not at all’?” Jiang Cheng says, blinking owlishly at Lan Xichen because it cannot be true what he is saying.
“Wanyin, sex is not what defines a relationship, and I honestly refuse to let it be the one thing that comes between us. I’ve been in love with you for too long to care about that.”
“You’ve been what?” Jiang Cheng dumbfoundedly asks, because things like this don’t happen.
He has been in love with Lan Xichen for years. Not the other way around.
“In love with you,” Lan Xichen patiently gives back. “For years now. I’m sorry I never said it before.”
“That’s okay,” Jiang Cheng whispers, still digesting the fact that Lan Xichen apparently feels the same about him and then he finally relaxes on the couch.
“So it’s not a hard no,” he says, just to be sure and Lan Xichen tugs him into his side which Jiang Cheng allows.
“It’s not even a soft no,” Lan Xichen reassures him. “But I do have questions, and we should talk about what you’re comfortable with.”
“What about what you are comfortable with?”
“I have you by my side. I am very comfortable,” Lan Xichen gives back without hesitation and Jiang Cheng turns his head into his chest to hide the flush that’s spreading out on his face.
He cannot believe that he gets to have this.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Lan Xichen reassures him, a hand at the base of his neck as he presses a kiss to the top of his head.
“Good,” Jiang Cheng mutters into his shirt. “Because I’m in love with you, too, and I don’t want you to go anywhere.”
“Well, that sounds like a good, solid basis for a relationship,” Lan Xichen says and Jiang Cheng melts against him completely.
“It does,” he agrees and then they fall into a comfortable silence.
There will be questions, and Jiang Cheng might even be ready for them later, but right now, nothing tops this.
And nothing ever will.